Past Loves/New Interests

[ontariogirl]

Hi everyone......i'm new here so i hope this goes ok. Anyway - i'm 26, and i would like to say that this website is really great. I have really been struggling over the past 4 or 5 years of my life to figure out who it is that i am/was/am going to be!! I have a really hard time letting go of the past. I don't know how many people could or have related to the way i am feeling, but here it goes. I went to college for two years, took a year off, and then got my university degree. I am working full time now, but have this extreme sense of loss. I really miss my friends from school, and the whole family-thing you create while you are away. I feel a bit cut-off from the only life i have known for the past 5 years. I am also struggling with one huge thing. I have loved the same person for 5 years. And while i have dated and gone out with other men, my heart and my thoughts are always with this other guy. We were off and on for 3 years, b/c we went to schools far away from eachother. But when we got the chance to be together, it was like no time had passed at all. I thought after school., we would finally be together. So during my own schooling, i never really gave other guys a chance b/c i knew (or thought) that he and i would end up together.

Well here i am a year after graduating, and i got the news in October of last year that he is marrying a girl he has dated since - school ended. Weird you know, you wait four years for someone and he starts dating someone else. Lately, i find myself very sad and i do things that i would have never in a million years thought i would do - i've had a one-night stand with someone i barely knew, i've dated old flames that i don't love at all, just trying to feel loved again. But these things make me feel worse, like i have really hit bottom. I miss him so much, i wonder what happened, why he didn't choose me - i know he loved me, but it was never enough. I think about him all day long, i don't try and contact him but he is always on my mind. I feel like i will never get past it.

Anyway, i am sorry to have babbled on - it's my first posting, so my next ones will not be so incredibly long. I wonder how many others there are like me - when you have loved someone that long, and that intensely - how can you possibly love that way again?

[Densel]

I know this might not sound much but the only thing that would make you feel better is...TIME.

Easier said than done...I know. Take it from someone who dated someone for 6 yrs. and the relationship didn't work. What makes it harder for you is that there was no closure.

Since he is planning to marry someone else, I hate to tell you this but you might never get closure until you find someone new. You've got to open your heart again. He has moved one, you should too. You'll find someone else and you would be surprised when days would go by and not a single though of your ex would have come to mind.

TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS! JUST OPEN YOUR HEART AND EVERYTHING ELSE WOULD FALL INTO PLACE.

In the meantime, find something to keep yourself busy and out of trouble. Something to work towards like a masters degree or something so that in future when your ex sees you or hear about you...Hmmmm! You can walk with your chin up and think! "EAT YOUR HEART OUT BASTARD!" THAT'S WHAT I DID! :O) It's not the end of the world! Make something good come out of an unfortunate situation...then again, maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe it isn't an unfortunate situation afterall!

GOOD LUCK!

[Lipgloss Boost]

i empathize.

Ryan: i loved this guy for *years*. we've been best friends, dated other ppl, supported each other when those relationships fell apart, etc. then we messed around & it *rocked*! i guess we tried to date (or something) but it didn't work & dented the friendship. distance of my going to university dented the friendship as well. still wonder if he's 'the one" - though i know he's bad for me (drug addict, severe alcoholic, directionless, etc.) i still have feelings.

Mark: i fell for the next guy. we were so close, i was his first. we were friends, partners, etc. then he walked out. graduated, packed up & said, "well, it'll never work in the real world. thanks. bye". *ugh* 'took me 18 months to get over him! (*see Ryan mess!)

Clint: now i'm with clint. but i'd be lying if i didn't say that some nights i think of mark. or i call my best friend & ask her if she's *sure* ryan & i aren't "meant" for each other? & i get frustrated with clint sometimes. but is that because i'm unemployed & bored?

time doesn't heal. time lets you know that you can move through pain. honestly: i'd suggest still keeping the friendship even though he's married. i've had some of the best times with ryan when he's been dating other girls. good luck. you're in my thoughts.

[Unregistered]

Ontariogirl,

Believe me, I can identify with what you're going through. I'm in the same situation that Densel was in. I dated a girl for six years and, for some reason, it just didn't work.

A couple of things:

At some point you have to make a decision that you are going to stop asking yourself why this happened. I know that's easier said than done, but you have to do it. The fact of the matter is that no reason you can come up with will really be good enough to satisfy you. You're not going to wake up one morning and come up with a reason that makes sense of it all and just say "I accept this." It doesn't work like that. What you will end up doing is running over the same old ground and driving yourself insane.

Time is a great healer. Ask one of your friends to mark a date on the calendar two months down the road. Have them call you that day and ask you how you feel about this then. You won't be completely over it, but I'm willing to bet that you'll feel better about it then than you do now. That's certainly been true for me. It's been five months for me and I can honestly say that I feel a lot better now than I did two months ago. And I know that two months from now, I will feel better than I do today. You just have to take it one day at a time. That's all you can do.

Don't call this guy and don't try to remain friends. That's the worst thing you can do. This is going to sound cruel, but the best way to handle this situation is to pretend this guy is dead. Don't call him. If he calls you, tell him you're busy or you don't want to talk. Tell your friends that you don't want to even hear his name mentioned. Tell any friends that you two share that you won't resent them for maintaining their associations with him, but that you don't want to hear about him and that you're not willing to sit in the same room with him. It sucks, but that's the only way to break the attachment. And mind you, I don't say this out of anger. My ex was my best friend. I'm just not willing to allow her to live rent-free in my head.

Be careful about self-medicating. Whether it's drinking or casual sex, it won't help. A one night stand may get this guy off your mind for a week or two and it might make you feel better about yourself, but it won't solve your problems. One thing though: don't beat yourself up for what you've done. Sex is a basic drive. It's a need that all of us have. Sometimes those drives take over. There's nothing wrong with it. It's natural and it's okay. It's also natural to want to feel loved and physical contact is a logical, if misguided, substitute. If you were a man, your friends would be patting you on the back. You may be socially conditioned to feel ashamed of it, but when you get down to brass tacks, it's no more wrong for you than it is for a man.

If you don't work out, start. Others will find you more attractive and you'll feel better about yourself. Trust me, endorphins are a really cool thing. Also, try to get involved in some nightly activities so that you're not sitting around with time on your hands. The more time you have to sit around, the more time you have to think negative thoughts, the more depressed you become.

I hope some of this helps.

GSL

[ontariogirl]

In reply to the unregistered guest:

Thank you so much for your reply. You have no idea what it means to hear a great reply from a guy's point of view. Don't get me wrong, i am greatful for everyone's replies, but happy to know that from a guy's point of view, i'm not crazy!! I'm doing ok. He is getting married in about a month, and my friend that i told you about (who is friends with him too) is always talking about it. So i did what you said, i told her nicely that i would love to remain friends with her but it is too painful for me to pretend it doesn't bother me, so she has agreed not to mention it anymore. I do workout, and have been trying to do that more often to pass the time and do things that are good for me. Is that what you do? Where are you from? Anyways, i hope you are doing better. One day at a time, i keep saying that to myself. I hope someday i can find a connection like that one again, but until then i will try to make the most of what i have. I hope you continue to post here! I really appreciated what you had to say. thanks again.

[ontariogirl]

in reply to lipgloss boost:

sounds like we have gone through a few of the same things. I have had a few boyfriends since my everlasting ex, and it seems that i am always making excuses to break up with them, like i never give them a chance b/c i was always waiting around for my ex to come back. These are things i would never admit out loud, on paper they seem so utterly ridiculous but it seems that we do so many things unconsciously for love that we lose site of our sanity! I don't know, maybe i am just lonely or haven't found the right person to allow me to move on. I am very scared that i won't. I am a hopeless romantic, like you have one great love in life and if you cannot be with that person than you just have to settle for the next best thing. I think i need to quit watching movies! Maybe it is possible to have two great loves. Maybe Clint is your second? Maybe he is right there in front of you but you will not allow him into your heart? And you are right, time does not heal., we must heal ourselves and allow for this healing process, if not we will never truly move on. You are also in my thoughts.

[Unregistered]

I completely understand what you are going through. The same thing happened to me about 2 years ago and although I still get upset when I think about it, it's better now. My college boyfriend and I were on and off for about 3 years in a very intense relationship. A year after college, I left my extremely prestigious job in New York and moved South to the city where he lived -- only to have my entire life backfire. He hurt me even more deeply than he did in college, my job ended up being awful and I got fired because my boss was a complete psychopath who hired prostitutes on every business trip and kept me at work until 3 am every night, and even the rebound guy I took up with turned out be a drug addict. I suddenly found myself at 24, careerless, homeless and having to face the fact that my ex, who I thought I was going to be with forever, was with this horrendously unattractive (seriously!) new girl and I was never going to have the life I envisioned for myself when I was in college.
So....I packed all my belongings into my car and drove off in the dead of night. I went home for a while, and went through quite a nasty bout of depression, but my mother forced me to go job hunting, and eventually I found a great job (akin to my first one that I left) and I live in a place that's far better than the city I had moved to for my ex.
My ex is now getting engaged to the horrendous girl and even though we've kept in touch (he called me Sept. 11, etc.) I decided to not initiate any further contact. If he's happy in his mediocre life with a really tacky girl in a really boring city then that is his right! I had to go find a better life for myself, and maybe I needed a kick in the butt to do it.
You WILL get through it, I promise. I struggled because I lost everything at once -- man, job, home -- but now I have a better job and a better home and a bunch of much better men around. Although I thought I'd always be with my college boyfriend, it just didn't work out that way. And I don't begrudge his happiness - I'm glad that his life worked out the way it did because I think he might really actually be happy. I know I'll always love him -- always -- he was my first love and nothing can ever touch that -- but you don't have to be with someone to love them, and I'll carry the happy memories with me until my last day on this earth.
I never thought I'd get to the point where I completely gave up all hope that we'd ever get back together, but here I am, and I'm not hysterical. And I always get the last laugh because the girl he picked over me is a real loser! I guess that helps. But seriously, my best advice is to go after what makes YOU happy. Remember the things you did for fun as a kid, or before you met him. Go after your own dreams and goals, and don't let anything hold you back. You will be okay!

[fairy710]

ontariogirl,

i'm going through this right now too. the love of my life , my first love broke up with me this june and now im trying to find my way without him. he still calls and we talk sometimes but i know i dont have him and he is the only person i can love 'that intensely' and have that deep connection with that you descibed. i also had a one night stand with someone i barely knew to try to get over it, and i know its not me and it felt like something totally foreign and it was a relief to read that post from a guy's point of view also , saying that wanting to feel loved is natural. i just know im going about it the wrong way. i agree with the person who said to do things that you used to enjoy before you were with him and just try to get into your own interests. i've tried to completely immerse myself in mine but i still find myself depressed, so i'm thinking of trying to start working out too. you're not alone in this. i feel this pain everyday and think of him alot but fight the urge to call him. i know i need to work on myself first and foremost.

[M4A1]

Fairy,

Why is he still calling you? I'm curious to know. Is he trying to get back together with you? or just calling to make conversation? Unless his calls have no other intentions and only wants to find out how things going with ya AS A FRIEND. You should not let him, or yourself, get beyond that level or get more involved than what friends would do.

I don't know what the whole story is. But being depressed over anything isn't going to help you, and I know that is bad enough. So you should eliminate the source that's causing your depression, and when I say "source" I am implying to your tendency to keep letting your mind fall back to the source of pain. If this guy initiated the breakup, or should I say he broke off with you, then it is him who started the process of hurt. He inflicted pain upon you. You need to re-draw a line in the sand. As "FRIENDS", there are certain things that you can do and there are certain things you shouldn't do. You need to re-establish that with this guy. If he goes too far, and you must remember it was him who started the process of hurt, then you must end this relationship immediately. Throw away all things that can remind you of him, and stop communicating with him. This is what must be done to someone who has already went beyond a friendship level with you, to fall back to being friends is not easy. The relationship at this level is very fragile. And if he's moving back and forth over the line, then he must be dropped from a friend's status immediately. Don't let him play you like a fool.

Good luck.

[ontariogirl]

Ah.........thank you so much to everyone who replied to my post. Weird, how sometimes the greatest comforts can be found from advice taken from those who are completely foreign to the situation.....

As for me, well it's been a year since my ex got married. Yes, married. You'd think the word would help me to heal. Not even close. I am constantly thinking that i will never have that kind of connection again, with anyone. I date. I have had one boyfriend (long term)., but had to end it b/c it wasn't the same. I wasn't comparing them as people, just 'that feeling'.......i used to have. That certain zing you feel when he walks into the room. I just didn't have that. Someone please tell me it can happen twice in one lifetime......

[DietCokegrl22]

"That certain zing you feel when he walks into the room. I just didn't have that. Someone please tell me it can happen twice in one lifetime......"


Not that this is any consellation or anything, and no it's not even an answer but it felt so good to read those words from someone else! Part of me (the part my friends would describe as "jaded") thinks that because in my relatively short life I have experienced a very intense love/connection with another person and was loved back as intensely that it's selfish/impossible to ever hope for that to happen again! I look around at friends who have never even dated anyone long term (at 22 that's not saying much, but still..) and I think to myself that at least I experienced it even if it ended, and maybe that's as much as anyone deserves...

Then I look at people who have been married/divorced and remarried, or even widowed and remarried and I think that sometimes, it does happen again...

Guess that's another thing that only time will tell...

[M4A1]

Ha ha ha, it's funny to come back and read a post that I wrote a while ago. It's amazing how some of my ideas have changed-- although some still haven't.

ontariogirl,

No, time doesn't heal. With time, only your bodily function changes, and it cannot change your mind. I can write real long and detailed here for you, but you probably won't read it. (plus it's late, and I'm terribly tired)

So 2 quick suggestions:

1. Would you rather not have loved him? or would you rather not have loved at all? Never?

But you have, haven't you? Isn't it really wonderful like all those who claimed to have experienced? Or would you rather be cold and bitter, confined in a house, travel 25 miles everyday each way to a job that you resent? And not ever experience true love? And would you rather spent alot of your time in a hostile atmosphere? so that you can replace that feeling of love with escalating feeling of aggression and frustration?


Appreciate what you had with him. A good number of people here never had a chance to feel what you felt.


2. Will things change by you wanting and wishing to get back with him?

Can you bend a spoon just by your will power?

Please move on. Appreciate the fact that it happened, and appreciate the fact that it happened to YOU. You are lucky. There are still many who have never loved.

You need to change your focus, take your mind away from wanting what you cannot have. Focus on what you can do to cheer you up. Have some coffee and go read at a bookstore. Go to a Comedy club. Go out. Hang with your friends.

He will come.

Best.

[grover123]

HIya!
I've just joined - impressed by the advice and level of involvement in this dicussion!

I too was in a long-term relationship (4 years) that ended about 2 years ago. We were young when we started (18) but things worked between us. WE fell in love easily and we fell hard. I still have a box full of luv letters and notes, pictures and gifts (not sure what to do with them now...don't feel right trashing them!) IT felt as though we'd be together for ever...of course, now looking back, I realize how naive that was.

I'm a strong believer that we encounter people and relationships for a reason. For me, it was to get me through difficult times at home ...and in the end, i realize that XX helped me face many harmful aspects of my personality that I had avoided until then. So I agree that you can either dwell on the "would have, could have, should have", or just accept it as a self-discovery phase. Partners and friends are the best mirrors of ourselves, so learn what you can and concentrate on your life, re-building your identity and so on...life is so full of incredible experiences and things to do. Just live life!

[Anonymous]

I guess everyone goes through these things b/c as I read all these messages, I know that now. I had a long term boyfriend for 9 years and needless to say, I was very much in love with him. It ended horribly with him leaving me for another girl. I was completely distraught. It was my last semester of school and I did everything you're not supposed to do, I drank, I fooled around, I did it all and I felt horrible doing all of it. I talked to him on occasion through this time and it was very hard to hear him happy with another person. So here I am 3 years later, and I'm in a relationship for the first time since my ex. And let me tell you . . it can happen again. I've finally fallen in love again. And no it's not like the first time, but nonetheless, it's great. I love this new guy with all my being and I know that he is much better for me then if I had stayed with my ex. I don't hate my ex or wish him badly on his relationship. What's that going to do, just make me miserable. I actually hang out with him on occasion b/c of mutual friends and I'm glad to see him happy and I know he's happy to see me the same way. Of course I think of him from time to time, and of course I compare, that's only natural. He will forever be an important part of my life. But you have to just come to terms with what happened, why it happened and why it was for the best b/c once you think about it enough (EVEN AFTER 3 Years) you'll know you'll be OK! So as rough as it sounds be patient, you'll be OK and you will love again. And remember, living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable b/c of a bad/former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you and no one is worth ruining your life over.

[grover123]

Thanks for that "Anonymous", it really hit the spot.

But one more issue that I can't ignore: where can I find a new love interest? And I know you're all thinking the usual "just do your thing and love will come"...but I'm tired of that!
Any advice on where to meet decent people who are interested in the world and who are not just out for a good time. Is it just me, or are most guys aged 25-30 suffering from commitment phobia, and therefore content to with having booty calls and f*** friends??? No tele-personals or singles hot lines please...

[squirmy]

Hey Grover,

Do you have any hobbies? or other special interests? Maybe you can join a group or club that meets once a week or every two weeks. And even if you don't find true love through it, at least you'd meet people with the same interest(s) as you. I'd say that's also pretty valuable.

Some examples: book club, volunteering, classroom aide, sports league, etc. The list can go on and on, but you probably get the gist.

[ontariogirl]

past loves
It's been a while. I've forgotton how much i love this forum. Do you ever stop and think.......wow, it's amazing that strangers, people from all over the world are sharing their stories., hoping to help others, or receive some kind of advice......no matter how small.....it truly is a great thing.

Anyway......i have read and re-read posts that followed my original story. It's strange to look back and read your words from a year or two ago. I think about time.....and the famous 'time is a healer' sentiment. I think that no one thing is a true healer. You yourself are the predictor of your own happiness. I have travelled half way across the world since then, working abroad. Hoping to 'find myself'., when in essence......your ghosts follow you. What i've found., is time away from the people and things that remind me of what i was running from every day. I've learned that my ex, the love of my life, played such a huge role in my life. I've been here for 7 months,. writing journals, spending time with people from all over the world. Sharing stories. Lastnight was one of those turning points you remember for a long time. I was having drinks with coworkers, two from the US and one from Ireland. We were talking about life passions, what makes each of us 'tick' so to speak. When i realized, that if i hadn't met my ex, i may not have ever realized my life's passion.......to study Law. He was full of passion and set really high goals for himself. He encouraged me to dream and to never set limits.

Well one of my coworkers asked me, 'at what point in your life have you reached the highest level of intensity'......i said it was when i was with my ex. I felt like my world was right, in every way. And that i've never gotten back to that since we seperated and he married someone else. I wanted to share with you what my friend said to me following that 'you should not think in terms of the way you used to be, you should think of what he brought to your life, how your life changed for the good and bad. You should be so incredibly thankful for the amazing things he brought to your life and the dreams you realized while with him. Instead of being sad that you aren't together, you should remember that you are different people now, with different lives, but never doubt that you are always in each other's thoughts and because of him, you still realize that dreaming big is the most important thing'

I came home lastnight and realized that the only thing i've been running away from is not him, it's my dream to go to Law School and become someone i've always wanted to be.....successful, happy.....full of life's passions.....i think that is the most important thing. Who knows, upon returning to Canada and pursuing this dream, you never know who i'll meet along the way.