Feeling too stable, too grown-up at 23 (24 in October)

[haley]

A friend of mine, Anna* (name has been changed to protect her innocence, um... i mean, privacy), says she's feeling too stable and too grown-up at 23. There are three things in her life that are making her feel like she wants to split. 1) Her own business & busy schedule. 2) A new house her boyfriend, Seth*, 27, a film director, bought for them. 3) She isn't finished with college.

1) Her graphic design business started 1 1/2 years ago. She says it keeps her stable, but the full-time schedule and the fact that she owns a business are getting to her. She feels she's too young to be worrying about these things. She likes the independence, the hours, that she can work at home. But she feels, I suppose, that she's not young anymore. Maybe she's realizing there is no safety net below her and that's scary.

2) Her boyfriend bought them a house. Again, she feels too young to be worrying about mortgage. She already feels like she's married to her boyfriend of almost 6 years, but she wonders, "How do I know if he's the one? And how does he know if I'm the one for him?" The house, whose rooms they painted together using different, earthy colors, is comfortable for her, but it entails responsibility, maybe commitment. The worrying has depressed her.

*She chooses to remain mostly self-sufficient from her boyfriend. She pays for half the mortgage and bills.

3) She hasn't finished with college. She wants to get it over with. She divides her time between school and work. She believes that getting her degree will teach her about her trade and will improve future relationships with her clients. She feels that everyone her age is already finished with school and doing other things.

On those three points, what can you tell her? What did you do when you faced those challenges? Thanks.

[Unregistered]

Hi,
Dont feel behind because you're 23 and haven't finished school. I am 251/2 and just got my bachelor's. I took a few years off to figure out what I really wanted to do, and the work experience I have is far superior to my classmates. Because of this, I graduated with a 4.0 and had money thrown at me by professors who wanted me to go to grad school and do research under them (I changed my major, but that is another story!). The experience you have that is related to your major can really help you understand concepts better in class, which puts you at an advantage to your peers. As for the boyfriend, I don't know what to tell you. I got married at 22 (almost 23) and now am beginning to wonder if I should have waited. We have a house together and I am just now trying to separate our finances again. (We moved to go to school and combined our finances in the process). We have been together a total of about 6 years now, and I feel like I am the one changing. I know people don't stay the same throughout their whole lives, but I don't know if he can handle the independence I crave. He is a few years older than me and has more experience in the love department than I, so I think I probably should have waited to get married until I had at least dated around. I thought at the time that I would never fall out of love with him, but as they say things change. If someone had told me at the time, I would never have believed them! You live and learn, I guess.

[Coop]

First off, don't worry; it's just a waste of time and energy. Things can go two ways: the way you want them to, and the way that you don't want them to. Obviously, you're not going to worry if you know things will go your way. And if you have no control over the situation, then why worry about something that...you have no control over!

Secondly, not to sound pompous, but I would almost kill to have my own business (which I *am* working on, by the way!), and house....but that's just me, and I'm not going to complain about my problems.

That said, she has to figure out what she thinks will make her happy, and then do it. If the situation with her boyfriend is not making her happy, or she is scared of commitment, then the best thing she can do is to talk to him about it. Communication is the single most important thing in a relationship--otherwise, how do you know how your partner feels? Talking to him may reveal that he has similar feelings about commitment, and they may realize that they should be together, take some time off, or maybe they should be apart. It might even seem to backfire.. Either way, any of these is the path to a better place than where she is now--nowhere and miserable.

Same thing goes for the mortgage; if she doesn't like the house, etc, then by all means *DO SOMETHING* about it! The worst thing you can do when faced with a problem you have control over is to get lazy, comfortable, and decide not to do anything at all. If you have a choice, then choose! Sell the house, get an apartment if you like..

Don't allow yourself to be tempted to accept the status quo if you don't like it--think of your accomplishments in your past, things that make you proud to be you. Keep thinking about them, and smash through the barriers of your mind to a better, happier place!!

About college...If she wants to finish school, then she should finish school. On a resume, do you list what degree you have, or at what age you received it? As long as she has the degree, who cares how old she is--at least she has one!

Who cares what her other friends have done and are doing? Gauging your personal success against others' is the sure path to...being miserable.

Yes, life is about competition. The trick is realizing that ultimately, we are not competing against each other, but ourselves!

Best of Luck!!

[Unregistered]

But don't worry about it. I'm 26 and finishing a master's in geology. (First of all, I'd like to ask exactly what you were thinking of, buying a house at 23 years old? You should have posted this message before you bought the house so that we could talk you out of it.)

You sound like you have a lot of things that were supposed to make you happy but aren't really doing it. That's okay. I've been there a lot within the last four years. One thing that you might ask yourself is, who is all of this stuff making happy? Your parents? Your boyfriend? It'll give you some insight on what, if anything to do about it.

My suggestion would be to take lots of small ways to keep living. Take a vacation or two. Buy a sexy new car (if you have the money). Learn painting or pottery. If you do, you'll stay young for the rest of your life. If you don't, you'll burn out.

Lots of luck!!

[formermichigan]

I totally understand. I moved to a new area, started a job, and lived with family for two months. For the two months I was with my family, I commuted on a train for a hour and half everyday (each way) to work. Also, while in the town my family lives in, I met a guy who I would of never been interested in more than a friend in college, but things progressed. But things progressed so quickly that at one point he was talking about giving me a wedding ring by the end of 2002, it should be noted that we had only been dating for a couple of months. Also, I was going to move back to where he was living, leaving the city life that I have begun to enjoy and forgo graduate school. The thought of giving that all up right now totally freaked me out and we called off plans to be together at all. Well, slowly we have been rebuilding our relationship, because it is great. But one minute I am completely fine with us and the next I'm scared to death that I'm settling down to fast at the age of 24. While I was in college I enjoyed the single life and not having to take another person in to account when making major decisions, such as grad school, moving at all... Now I feel overwhelmed with the idea that this guy wants to marry me and have children with me. Although, I can see us together and happily bickering about nothing and loving every minute of it. I don't know if this is too jumbled but it just feels good to get it out of my system.

[haley]

thanks for the reply guys. my friend anna... she ended up dumping her boyfriend because he was basically cheating on her, left their house, moved to Hollywood, still has her business but with a reduced role in it to give her time to... model... for mavi jeans. that's the story and I'm sticking to it. oh, she met this guy at the coffee bean - she asked him out...

[uoperin]

I just have to laugh at Anna's end result! I guess that's one way to deal with it all, just up and leave. I too am 23 and feeling way too grown up. I went to college right out of highschool, got the degree in 4 years, had a job when I graduated and am now making a lot of money in a job I love with a lot of responsibilities (which I know you all are thinking, oh poor you), but there are more days than not that I take a step back and start to freak out at what my life is right now. I supervise 8 people who are older than me by a minimum of 10 years and they aren't always happy about that. There's a lot of pressure on me to succeed, and part of it is self-imposed pressure, but I am also afraid of disappointing everyone around me. So as a result everything is always fine with me, no one ever sees the bad days or the insecurities. They think my life is grand because I have a great job and a good salary.

In typing this I guess my real message to everyone out there is if you have your own business or own a house or have a great job or a perfect life, then more power to you! Enjoy what life gets you, but don't ever take it for granted. Feeling way too grown up may mean you're living a life that someone else wants for you. Take a step back and breathe. Go after what you want first and then check to see if others are affected by it and if that matters to you. That may sound selfish and snobbish to say, but we're old enough to make decisions and deal with the consequences of our actions. Give back to your family/community/friends/school in any way you can because it will enrich your life as well. If we feel too grown up because of all that life has brought to us, then take steps to change it (like move!) but don't discount that things happen for a reason.