Anyone feel like this???

[Dharma]

Hi.

I feel really confused and pretty alone. See I am in a happy relationship for like 6 years now (since I was 17 and about to start university). My boyfriend is awesome. He's goodlooking, funny, caring, interesting and totally in love with me. We are each other's betstest friends (even though I have a female best friend as well)...The "problem" or more appropriately the "crisis" is that I lately feel like having a fling. Not a sexual fling (wouldn't want to share sex with anyone other than him). It's like I've suddenly realised that I'm now 23 and will soon be getting married and settling down - and that This is IT. And while i love my boyfriend, I feel like I want to have some fun while I am still young.

I never got to date through University and do all that clubbing and picking up etc (not that I minded, I know I have the best guy for me already) but I just want to enjoy the attention other guys give me. There are so many guys at work and friends paying me compliments and flirting and sometimes I just want to give into it and just be in the moment. To enjoy myself and let them kiss me or whatever. (No sex or sexual activity but more like just making out...though I know the guys would probably want to take it further but I'd stop it because that's not what I want.) I know it's still cheating and I don't want to hurt my b/f at all. But I just feel that if I never get to have fun, never get to enjoy this sort of flirting then i'll always feel 'settled'. In many ways I feel like we're already married even though we're not even engaged! We hang out with each other all the time, talk 3 times daily and always discuss things with each other (and i love this, i don't feel like he's invading my space) - it's just that I now feel that I will soon be his wife (he hasn't proposed but we've talked about it...maybe a year or two maximum before we tie the knot) and then what? I wish we'd met now - after I had gotten all the fun of picking up and exchanging numbers and making out and dating out of my system. This is definetely the best relationship I could imagine for myself...I feel deep within me that he is the "one". But....

I would only have been with the 1 guy from the age of 17 for the WHOLE of my life, which is great for a movie or a book, but in reality I wonder if I would have missed out on some key growing up...discovering stuff about myself in this context. And just having some fun...I feel like such a bad person. So immoral! But I can't help how I feel....I've tried pretending I don't feel this way...but I do. ANd it's so confusing!!! To be with my b/f and feel all loving and then to be elsewhere and desire to be kissed by another man...to hang out with him...coz it feels so enjoyable...

There's a guy I work with and we get along really really well. He's quite interested in me(he knows i have a b/f) and I am so attracted to him. I don't know what to do...I feel like I just want to go to dinners with this guy and stuff...just hang out and enjoy his company (discussing books, art flims etc things we have in common that my b/f isn't keen on) and maybe kiss and make out but not have sex or anything...I feel like i'm losing my mind. How can I do this to my relationship?? How can I do it to my b/f when l I love him so much? And I DO love him - a lot - it's just that I feel like living for myself a bit before I do actually "settle down" = and i know that sounds so selfish and wrong...I feel so alive when I'm with the other guy...but I couldn't see myself with him long term (he's the casual type of guy, who wouldn't want to be bogged down into anything and I wouldn't be compatible with him over the long term...). Last week after a b'day drinks for someone, he was flirting with me badly and I was flirting back - and i had a bit too much to drink (but I was still aware of everything) and he offered to drop me home. On the way back - we kissed, a lot. Now I don't know what to do. He's told me he doesn't really want a heavy relationship...he said he's after a casual thing and couldn't ever hope to offer me what my b/f is. My b/f doesn't know...it would KILL him...but he does know i'm attracted to this guy and that I feel very confused about where I am in life...

Anyone got any advice?? I'm going crazy here. Can't sleep at night, can hardly eat, feel so crazy. I know that If I met the guy again, I'd want to kiss him - I don't want sex (he does and he knows it's not happening) - and i would love to spend time with him...but I don't want to leave my b/f...it's just that things with my b/f are so comfortable and settled...and if I don't experiement with other guys now...then when? Once I'm married that'll be it.

I know it's selfish...but I really feel like for once i'm living MY life when i'm with the other guy. I feel like I deserve to enjoy some of this attention and be 'young' while I am...before I devote my entire life to someone...but it's cheating, it's SO wrong! Especially to do that to someone who loves me so much, somone whom I love...

Help!

[shimmer728]

Hey sweetie,

Well, I've never been in your situation, exactly, but I think I understand how you feel. I am also 23 and have never been tied to any one guy for more than a few months.....and honestly, it's been for the best for me. I think if I had been in a long term relationship since high school like that I'd been feeling suffocated and like I needed to break free for a little bit, too.

My advice is to talk to your bf about your feelings. I know it will be hard. But tell him exactly what you told us--that you're still in your early 20s and already feel like you're married and that you missed out on some of the fun experiences of being a 20-something--clubbing, etc. Maybe the best thing would is for you guys to "take a break" (to use a Friends cliche)

Good luck!!!

[nlfl1]

I would have to agree with Shimmer on this one. Be totally honest and upfront, any lie no matter how small could ruin things that you have going on right now.

As far as being "tied down" goes. Im 24 now and over the past summer I broke up with my ex of three years. During that time, I never went out, lost a lot of my freinds due to graduation and leaving town and of course not trying hard to make new ones, and the fact that i wasnt alllowed to talk to anyone (she got mad when i would take of for a day to see my family without her even if she was working or busy otherwise).

When we did break up, I felt kind of like i was liberated. For the first few months i was partying like an 18 year old again. Now I am finally starting to chill out on the partying some.

The main point is that if you have never had the chance to be yourself and not have an attachment and have curiosities about it now, they could possibly grow stronger in the coming years. It sounds like now you can control the urges if you have to, but a lot of times things like that build up. Even just a night of clubbing or one casual date may be enough to give you your fill on this kind of lifestyle but If you want to experience it, definitely do it now instead of later and be honest

Good luck!

[nlfl1]

I made a long post earlier on how everyone in my opinion needs to experience the single life at least once in their lives. But at the same time, if i would have been lucky enough to find someone that young who i could truly see myslef with forever, i would be afraid to lose her too.

My uncle was with his wife to an extent since kindergarten. the did the little kid boyfriend/ girlfreind thing and they ended up evolving to high school sweet hearts and have now been married almost 25 years. They get along very well too, so it is possible to find somene that young and be happy the rest of your life.

Whatever you choose to do, just be honest with yourself and those around you

Good luck!!

[Dharma]

Thank you for all your advice. I'm still pretty confused but I know that honesty - most of all with myself and my b/f - is of utmost importance. I just don't know if it's worth breaking his heart over the kissing the other guy when I don't really want anything more from that really.

But all your advice helped. Gave me some much needed support and perspective.

Thanks!!

[hajime]

If the guy's as good as you describe and you guys have a real good relationship going on (it sounds like a great, healthy friendship), then I would suggest just talking him about your feelings. Not saying you should tell him about the kissing incident... just talk over your feelings regarding wanting to experiment, get out there, etc. Ask him if he has similar feelings. See how that goes.

Perhaps it might work for you guys to take a little break from each other- which doesn't have to be the result of some fight/argument.. it doesn't even have to be real formal, like the two of you deciding oh, let's not see each other for X amount of time. Just... take advantage of your alone time to do more with your friends, etc., and see how that feels. However, if you really do want to seriously flirt with/date other guys, I think it would be wise to discuss that with him. Have a trial "open" relationship... of course, there are plenty of risks... what if he finds another girl he's really interested in? It just depends on what you want and how much you are willing to risk for it.

[dliepmanSUX]

trying not to be harsh here...but I think you royally f-cked up...and I think you ought to take responsibility for your actions out of respect for yourself, your relationship, and primarily your boyfriend who is also your BEST friend...how perfect IS your relationship and how comfortable are you REALLY if you haven't been able to be upfront about this with your BEST friend???...I am in no way saying that your urges are unfounded or that you shouldn't have the opportunity to 'live it up' per se, but evaluate what the point of it all is...is it to have all those cliche experiences you think you missed out on so that you can find a way to relate to others your age??? is it to look for something better??? is it to look for something worse (comparative evaluations of your relationship so that you have proof of how good you may have it)???

...I agree with the other QLCers that you need to evaluate the advantages/disadvantages of your options, but unfortunately it sounds like you shanked your responsibility with regards to using some foresight about the situation and now are left with a heart full of regret...

lastly...'love' is both a noun and a VERB...

[and1grad]

I also agree with everything EXCEPT telling your bf about the kiss. Unfortunately, honesty ISNT always the best policy and telling your bf might cause you both more heartbreak than is necessary, assuming the kiss, as you said, meant nothing.

[Moonbeam]

I know what you are going through. If you are happy in your relationship, I suggest staying with him. I had a similar problem. I met my boyfriend(now my husband) at 19. When I was 23 and about to graduate college, I thought our relationship over. I did miss out on the "college experience" but it wasn't because of him but because I commuted. I figured, maybe there is somebody else out there more suitable for me. He loved me and watched out for me and helped me out whenever I needed it. My boyfriend and I didn't have much in common. I broke up with him for a few weeks because I met this guy I worked with. The guy I worked with "Frank" was charming and "swept me off my feet." After being in a serious relationship for almost 4 years, I wanted something different and that feeling you get when you begin dating somebody. Frank and I had so much in common and we were able to talk for hours. Because my boyfriend was quiet, our conversations only lasted a few minutes. I did cheat on my boyfriend and went out on a few dates with "Frank." I felt really bad about doing that. I felt like I had to put closure on my relationship and break up. That was the toughest thing I've ever done in my life. I was so confused and I lost about 15 lbs because I wasn't eating. Then after a couple weeks of dating Frank, I found out he was having problems with his girlfriend and used me to make her jealous. I also found out he was a sex addict and that his girlfriend(whom he is now engaged to) is very protective of him and will not let any other girls talk to him. I ended it with Frank because he lied to me and told me he wasn't in any relationship and I didn't want to be the "other women." Plus Frank told me I was too nice and too quiet. My solution is to go with the guy who truely loves you. Luckily, my bf and I got back together and got married a year later, Sept. 8, 2001 and have been happily married ever since. We worked out some problems and breaking up brought us closer together. Just because you are in a serious relationship or out of college doesn't mean you have to miss out on fun. Once a month, I get together with my friends and go out. You can have fun. My best years are the present. I'm 26 and I'm having a blast with life. Having different interest can be a good thing. My husband introduced me to hobbies I would of never thought of doing. I suggest staying with the guy who truely loves you. Good luck in all you do.

[dliepmanSUX]

I ended it with Frank because he lied to me and told me he wasn't in any relationship and I didn't want to be the "other women."
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I am not entirely certain that I have the patience to respond to such drivel...I am happy that you and your now husband are happy, but I think that your actions were LAME with an emphasis on -AME...you don't want to be the 'other woman' yet you are the one who nroke up with someone you apparently 'loved' so you could have a fling with a guy you know nothing about (not his sex addiction nor his girlfriend)...I will repeat myself one more time...'love' is not only a noun (something you have...ie. to have love for...) but 'love' is also a VERB (something you do...ie. to love someone...)...

I wasn't gonna go there...but its unavoidable...

Quoting Jon Bon Jovi:

"Shot to the heart, and you're to blame...YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!!!"

[Masterbuilder]

hmm . . . well, I don't know much about relationships, but I can offer a few points from a guy's point of view. If I were Dharma's boyfriend, I'd be crushed to find out about all this. Totally devastated. To know that I've faithfully been with a woman for several years, and then to suddenly find out that she's been having such feelings and thoughts about another/other guys, well, that'd just be hard to take. Personally I don't believe in the whole "taking time off" deal, it sounds too contrived. It's as if you still want to keep all your options open, so you're not going to clear up one situation before plunging into another, so to speak. In all honesty, I don't know if I could continue to be with a woman if this situation arose in a relationship I was in as it would bring up all kinds of fundamental issues regarding trust, communication, etc.

That being said, we are all quite different when it comes to these things so I don't necessarily expect my experiences/beliefs to apply to others. And if, Dharma, you are feeling the need to "get out" and "live a little", then, well, maybe that's the right thing for you to do. There's no certain way to tell what the outcome would be . . . nevertheless, I'd say that dliepmanSUX, despite his rather blunt (but seemingly honest) writing style, raises some solid points in his first post especially that anyone involved in a situation like this would do well to consider.

Well, I'd write some more, but I'm starting to fall asleep here . . . I'll check in later, see how things develop. Of course, regardless of what course of action you (Dharma, but also anyone else reading this who is thinking this situation might/does apply to them) choose to take, I hope things work out for the best for all involved.

[Dharma]

You guys are absolutely right. I am being a total selfish B!tch in wanting to keep all my options open with the guy who loves me/who I love AND with the guy who makes me feel good in the short term beginning-stage hormones sense. It's like after being in a relationship for so long, when you get that sort of rush it feels really mad - because while you love each other - it's not as exciting and passionate (obviously) as when you first got together. And I admit I'm being really awful. THAT is what is eating me up.

And I really did appreciate the frank style of DliepmanSUX(though he may wanna tone it down for other people in case they are clinically depressed or suicidal or something). I need someone to ask me the hard questions I suppose. Because there's nobody else I can discuss this with in my 'real' life. Everyone in my life knows my b/f and I wouldn't do that to him that other people know this sort of stuff when he doesn't.

We are Best friends - really truly. And I have discussed it with him, about how I feel that we got together at such a young age - we don't really know what else is out there in many ways. That I sometimes feel like just having fun and not having to be responsible. He can see where I'm coming from but doesn't feel that way himself. Well at least not as much. And he thinks that having a break to test the waters elsewhere is BS because the damage done to the relationship would be incredibly hard to repair.

So it seems all relatively simple - give up the guy who you aren't emotionally involved with, the one who only gives you a short-term high. And be faithful to the guy who you love and want to marry in the future. Hmmm...but I still have these feelings. That's what I don't get...ok...this is the pathetic sad immature part that can't seem to kill that desire...that side of me that wants to live it up a little. At the expense of the relationship? No. So that's the Crisis. I really do want the best of both world's keep my options open - which is very wrong...It made me feel better reading Moonbeams response...at least she's been there. It's weird you know you have a good thing but that sort of temptation that comes from that initial romance stuff is very strong.

And I think you may be onto something DliepmanSUX when you ask "is it to look for something worse (comparative evaluations of your relationship so that you have proof of how good you may have it)???". Yeah in a sense it's to have fun and be a bit reckless for once and at the same time affirm that what I have is as great as I think it is. If I've only ever been with 1 guy from 17 - and believe it's the best relationship - is it?

In the meantime when I see the other guy we're just casual normal friends as we were before. He's told me that our friendship is very important to him and he'd rather not risk losing it over some flirting and kissing, but that if I were single he'd like to date me also that he's not encouraging me to leave my b/f coz he can never give me what my b/f can (he's not into serious relationships, never been in love - he's in late 20's, longest relationship was few months). I don't desire to be his girlfriend but I do like him as a friend. There's obviously still chemistry though.

You're right Love IS a verb...and if I love my b/f it's about time I start behaving more considerately. I am definetely going to talk to him more about how I feel (minus kissing details etc, that would just devastate him and make him walk away...it's not worth it over that kiss). And hopefully we can work something out.

What do I want?? If given the opportunity to make things happen the way I want. I'd want to keep my relationship with my b/f as it is - coz it's great - and see the other guy to have fun (coz it's so different to what I have with my b/f) and feel young and silly and then grow up and settle down with my b/f who is definetely the best guy for me. How immature is that? And so against my moral values - which is why I'm confused and feeling f-cked up - I know people who've been in my situation and cheated without remorse coz it's "just" fun in the end. Doesn't work that way for me, each action causes it's own reaction, and as such has the power to change the course of a journey. There's no "just".

And I do ask myself how can I say I LOVE my b/f when I feel like this?? But I do, I feel it so deeply. When i'm with him, when i'm away from him...it's intense. It's just that when I'm with the other guy I feel like just being 'young' and not thinking of all these consequences etc...Maybe it's just an ego thing. Because the other guy is the hottest and most intelligent guy we work with and all the girls think he's really awesome...and he likes me(NOBODY knows about me and him at work, they just know we're friends). Which after 6 years in a relationship - well it's quite nice to know you still have "it".

So 1 question - I don't want to lose this relationship. But I do feel attracted to the other guy and wouldn't mind non-sexual fooling around and stuff. So what now? Forget that guy, stay with b/f, and hope that I never feel this way again? Consciously resist such thoughts/desires.

Thanks

[dliepmanSUX]

Dharma...there are SO MANY contradictory thought patterns going on in your head (or at least being conveyed through your keyboard) right now...in an effort to keep it simple, I would recommend that you put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes...how would you feel to know that he had recently succumbed to drunken lip locking with someone he was attracted to for non-sexual fooling around (which I suspect has more to with sexual fooling around than it does with running in the pool area or having a food fight or shopping cart races) who was also someone he worked with who was also someone who had indicated an interest in dating, etc., etc., etc.

...sure, in the end we are all responsible for our own well being...but relationships are somewhat contractual...sure you are 'free' to do whatever you please, but often rash behaviors are met with severe penalties...you can run up a tab on your credit card, shoot, you can swipe it until it melts...but don't forget that the magic of credit cards (for the credit card companies) is the 19% interest rate...you can go shopping whenever you feel like it, but that doesn't mean you can avoid debt just because you'd rather not deal with creditors...

...right now your heart and your head are playing tug-o-war...listen to whomever you have more faith in...thoughts change...hearts break.