How do you support someone...

[KCboy]

...when you disagree with all their decisions?

A friend of mine and I got into an argument this weekend because she says that I'm not good at being supportive. This obviously bothered me, because I think that is a vital role a friend should play.

Our issue is that I disagree with most of the decisions she's made. She always waits until the last minute or until its too late to act on something, when a little bit of planning and responsibility would have prevented the problem in the first place.

I can tell someone "I'm sorry, I feel bad for you," but have very little else to offer. And when the person continues to talk about there problems, my only natural response is to point out what that person did wrong to put themself in that position ("well, that's YOUR fault, and here's why...")

I can't stand how I've begun to look down on people for their problems. When I have an issue, I tend to handle it on my own and say very little about it to others.

[AznHisoka]

Heh, I have an inclination to do the same thing, but I say it in such a manner that it doesn't seem disagreeable to most ppl...

It's a hard thing to balance.. telling someone your true opinion and being supportive. Personally, I think some ppl do need some tough love and need to hear the truth... but then again, they probably won't listen to you. Noone likes to hear they're wrong.

[ScottyTheBody]

Rather than pointing out where they went wrong or where their fault is try instead saying you understand and offer a suggestion of what you think will better their situation rather than telling them what will if that makes any sense.

[KCboy]

Rather than pointing out where they went wrong or where their fault is try instead saying you understand and offer a suggestion of what you think will better their situation rather than telling them what will if that makes any sense.

that seems to be the problem (and maybe I'm not understanding you correctly), I think I'm helping by pointing out where they went wrong, thinking that they will learn from their mistake and not repeat it later.

Then they say something like, i dunno, "you're a fuking asshole" :D

So I've tried to just not do that, and I have absolutely nothing to say. I just say "I'm sorry, I feel bad for you" over and over. If they continue very long after that, I ignore them because I start to get stressed out.

[hoodie]

I hear you on this; I know a few people sort of like this who shoot themselves in the foot but never want to hear how to stop pointing the gun at their shoes....

Variations on the theme of "I'm sorry/I feel bad for you"...

-That sucks....
-Man, that's tough...
-Sheesh, hard times...
-Is there anything I can do for you?
-What can I do to help?
-I wish you didn't have to deal with this...
-Want to meet for ice cream/pie/booze to make you feel better?


Supportive but stays away from the issue at hand. It sucks for you because you want to actually help, not just coddle, but some people just need to learn for themselves the hard way.

[DaneCA]

I understand how frustrating that can be. I think everyone has “that” friend; the friend who makes bad choice after bad choice, no matter what you say to him/her.

There are those people who can handle well-intentioned advice, and those who can’t. So if your friend wants to vent to you, not be told what to do, I’d say you have to let her vent, assuming you want to remain friends with her. As long as her bad decisions aren’t self-destructive or really, really stupid, it’s OK if you don’t agree with everything she does. Part of being a good friend is being supportive, (almost) regardless of the circumstances.

Hopefully, as Hoodie said, she’ll eventually figure it out on her own, and then she’ll appreciate the good advice you gave her and that you were there for her, even though you disagreed with her poor decisions.

[Schecter_Guy]

I've found it is best to listen and not do much else. In the end you may come off as judgemental and end up just becoming a lecturer. This leads to the whole jumping on your high horse thing. You can really never know someone's problems until you have walked in their shoes. This is mainly the case unless this person has gross lapses in common sense. And I mean really gross. If they ask for advice give it. Preface by saying you may say something they may not want to hear. And as was said before in teh end they may have to learn themselves.

[FishOutOfWater]

I think this is always really hard. as much as I care for my friends, most have made a decision I've strongly disagreed with at some point. The biggest one that sticks out in my mind is a high school friend of mine who seriously dated a complete loser for four years. No one liked this guy, including her family or friends. what I found in this situation was that the best thing to do was to keep treating my friend with respect and listen to her vent without passing judgment about the guy. Her family and friends even forced themselves to include the guy in family gatherings, because when it came down to it, everyone still cared about her and didn't want to alienate her as a person because of a disagreement with one of her choices. telling her what we thought of him would have just left her stranded without family and friends and more likely to lean on the poor decision (in this case, get closer to engagement / marriage with the guy). and quite frankly people usually know when someone else disapproves even when they don't say anything. eventually my friend dumped the guy and now is with someone much better. hopefully your friend will come to her senses on her own as well!

The only other advice I would have is that if a friend makes a large number of decisions you disagree with, sometimes it might be better to cool off the friendship. I think this is especially the case if you disagree morally with the choices or if the person is leaning overly heavily on you and demanding things of you financially, emotionally, etc, that you just can't take. not saying your friend is like this, just thinking generally.

[winneythepooh7]

Listening and GENTLY offering support, observations and suggestions to change positively is a good way to go with these kinds of people. Also keep in mind that everyone has the right to make a bad decision. Or a decision you don't agree with. This is often how people learn from their mistakes. Unless they are a serious danger to themselves or others, very often there's not a whole lot we can do. And even then, there's often not a whole lot we can do. I think this topic hits home a lot more for me, because I deal with it in my work every day with someone. It's easier to walk away from "friends" in these types of situations, but with my clients, I can't ;). That actually is very rewarding for me.

[wordsmith]

I tend to follow the childhood rule of "if you can't say something nice, say nothing," when it comes to people with whom I'm close, family members, loved ones. Unless I'm seriously concerned for somebody's safety/wellbeing due to their decisions, I'll keep my negative opinions to myself. People don't need intervention over dumb decisions, IMO, just dangerous ones - their dumb decisions are pretty much theirs to make...that's how people learn. I've noticed that there's a difference between friends, etc. coming to me for support, not advice - two slightly different things. I can generally always support THEM, if not the specific choice they're making. I only offer actual advice if somebody's asking. And I tend to focus on the positive.

[fuzmiq]

Man, I am going through the same thing.

A friend of mine wants to go to school for something that she has always dreamed about doing, but she does NOT have skill set for. Professionals have given her a chance and basically told her the same thing.

Now she wants to spend about $40K on a degree which will likely not lead to a job because in our area people are getting laid off in this profession left and right.

She asked what I thought and (gently) I told her that I would really consider the cost and if it was worth going into the debt. I also told her that I wished someone had been honest with me about getting a similar degree some years back.

She felt like I was crushing her dreams...

[Tayl405]

I can be like that but I've learned the hard way that it doesn't work. I've since learned to try to listen and help my friends/family members reach their conclusions on their own.

When I need support from someone, I don't want them to tell me what I did wrong (I usually already know) or tell me what I should do (I also usually already know). Unless I flat out ask "what should I do", I want someone to be a sympathetic ear and let me talk out my problems. By talking it out I usually come up with the same conclusion my friend has, but I've done it on my own, can see why that's the right thing to do, and can therefore confidently pursue that path.

[squidney]

i know a few people who are like your friend. who make really bad decisions about things that are easily preventable in the first place. and i tend to go into - well you could have done - or - in the future - etc

which is really not what they want to hear. especially if they keep coming to you and not taking your advice. they just want to say it out loud to someone else and really don't want help. they just want you to say "yeah, wow, that sucks - what bad luck you have" which you know is not true and you feel like a tool every time you say it but in the end they're not going to take your advice and its easier to just wait until they're really ready to change their bad habits - then offer your advice if that ever happens.

[ScottyTheBody]

that seems to be the problem (and maybe I'm not understanding you correctly), I think I'm helping by pointing out where they went wrong, thinking that they will learn from their mistake and not repeat it later.

Then they say something like, i dunno, "you're a fuking asshole" :D

So I've tried to just not do that, and I have absolutely nothing to say. I just say "I'm sorry, I feel bad for you" over and over. If they continue very long after that, I ignore them because I start to get stressed out.

It's more tone I guess and not really what's said but how it's said. If it's said as sort of a "know it all position" or the solution to their problem is obvious then nothing really should be said. Definitely NEVER say "well you should have done THIS instead of THAT".

I first try to sympathize for a good little while. If the solution to their problem is obvious and they know it then don't offer any suggestions. However, if the solution to their problem isn't obvious then provide your suggestion almost in the form of a question or even better would be to lead them to your advice with guiding questions, that way when they realize it, it's almost like they discovered it with a bit of your assistance rather than you directly telling them. However it's a little tricky to do sometimes and oddly enough I find it works GREAT for teaching. Sometimes though just saying "I'm sorry to hear that" repeatedly (or things along those same lines) is the best solution too.

[mahlerssecond]

Been there, done that.

One of my closest friends from childhood and I went through this about 12 years ago. He was 2 grades behind me, but we grew up in the same neighborhood together.
I had a big dispute with this friend whom got his girlfriend pregnant when he was still in high school. He was in tears about the incident, and I was in shock that this person would engage in an act like this. I also had more of a black and white perspective of morality on teenage pregnancy at the time. On the other hand I did feel a little sorry for him, and how he got kicked out of his folks' house, and the rumor mill that was going amongst my friends and classmates. Some of the comments were nasty!!!! Basically, I kept a neutral attitude about the rumors and got other trusted adults in both of our lives to discuss the issue with him and answer his questions.
Not totally understanding the situation, I also got somewhat upset when he said that he wasn't going to go to college. I was thinking, what a waste, because this is a very brilliant individual. He did toy with going into the service for awhile.
I was not totally sure how to handle the situation at the time and not in agreement with his life path, so I almost dropped the friendship with him. He did come back later, but the friendship was never as close as it was before.
Even after this escapade, my friend did turn out ok. He ended up marrying the gal, taking his family obligation very seriously, and becoming active in his community.
Looking back today and having a better understanding of my friend's personality (he has known ADHD, is very curious, erratic, and impulsive), I understand why he acted the way he did. He was also very overweight and a little odd, so he was looking for female companionship. I also understand now that life is not a black and white issue.
Give someone like your friend some time, and you may better understand them and their disposition.

[Tayl405]

I would just be her friend and support her. It's her decision to choose the job and let everything else fall apart. Eventually she'll realize it and she'll need a friend to turn to. It's sounds like you are a really good friend, and that's exactly what she needs.

In the meantime maybe you can ask her questions to help get her to realize what a problem the job is? Help lead her to her own conclusions.