Things about my SO

[yankeeyosh]

Today has been three months since my girlfriend and I first met. Things are still going fairly well, but there are a couple of things that are bothering me...

First thing...we are still not seeing each other a lot. We actually spent most of this past weekend together, but it was probably due to the fact that I will be away this weekend, and will not see her until the following weekend. Keep in mind we don't live that far away...only 20-30 minutes, depending on traffic. But sometimes, later in the week like Thursday when I haven't seen her for five days, I wonder if we are in a relationship. She tells me consistently she needs space and she is very busy (which she is), but I would wish that once in a while, we could get together for a couple hour or so during the week. I guess last night's conversation made me wonder about this even more, since she almost sounded like I overstayed my welcome, since she told me that by Sunday morning, she needed to "shut down" since she spent all that time with me since Friday night, and perhaps she felt a little worn out (granted there were a lot of things on her mind).

Another thing she brought up (related to the whole "space" thing) is that it is hard for her to reciprocate attention. I try to be good to her and rub her back, give her spontaneous kisses, etc. She said it's not me...it's just her personality and she cannot get into that comfort zone. I guess I knew about this for a while, but she brought it up again last night when we we talking about things. It's not a huge deal, and I realize I am "learning the ropes" about this whole relationship thing, but I tend to be pretty touchy-feely (at least by guy standards), and would enjoy getting some attention in return....it feels weird when it's just one sided like that.

Finally...this is a bit sensitive, and I do NOT want to sound like I am jealous or anything like that. However, every week or so, somewhere in our conversation, my girlfriend says something like "I get paid well for what I do". Now, I know she has a great job, and while I don't know exactly how much she makes, I can probably figure that she does indeed do well for herself. However, I am somewhat annoyed by this comment, especially since I told her about the frustrations with my job (which is a whole other topic). Again, I don't want to sound jealous or resentful, but I have heard it enough. It's fine if she just said it once or twice, but it has been very repetitive, and I wonder if I would be out of line to mention this....and if not, how I should approach this.

Thanks!

[winneythepooh7]

Mark, before I was married I only saw my husband on the weekends, sometimes maybe one weekend day and on occasion during the week. It's very normal for couples to not have a lot of time during the work week.

Even now that we are married, we don't have a ton of time for one another. We both leave very early for work, he usually gets home around 7PM at the earliest. Often I am ready for bed by 9 or 10. He works a lot of the weekend too.


Not saying it's okay----or that YOU have to be okay with this, but just offering up my perspective.

As for the affection thing, sometimes this will be a deal-breaker for some people. It could be for you.

Regarding her comments, I think that's a bit of the comparison-game going on. My husband often does the same thing with me because I work a more "normal" job, with a less intense schedule than him and I have perks like working from home. If you fixate on it, it's not going to help matters though. Trust me!

[pisces2473]

I totally agree with what Winney said.

To offer my perspective, I got home at 7:45 (it's now almost 20 after 8) after leaving for work at 8:30 this morning. That's almost 12 hours not seeing my husband and we live together. I worked from 9 til 6, then went to get my hair cut. We'll be in bed in a few hours, and that's that.

[Krishna]

I don't see much of my SO right now either, even though we live together. He works nights quite frequently, so we can go for days without seeing each other at all (or for more than 5 minutes at a time. Prior to this we did the LDR thing and saw each other every weekend or every other weekend.

It all boils down to what you're comfortable dealing with. Personally, this living together but not seeing much of each other bit is far superior to where we've been before, and what's coming down the pipes at us (9+ months apart when he deploys).

[wordsmith]

If I didn't live with my S.O., I'm certain that we'd not likely see a ton of one another during the work week. But we went from an LDR to living together in short order. There never was a period in our relationship where we were living nearby one another, separately. I think it's fairly normal for working adults to not have a ton of couple time planned into their workweek if they're not cohabiting. I wouldn't worry so much about this.

This, however, gives me a bit more pause...because it's not a logistics thing, it's more just something about who a person is hardwired to be:

...it is hard for her to reciprocate attention. I try to be good to her and rub her back, give her spontaneous kisses, etc. She said it's not me...it's just her personality and she cannot get into that comfort zone. I guess I knew about this for a while, but she brought it up again last night when we we talking about things. It's not a huge deal, and I realize I am "learning the ropes" about this whole relationship thing, but I tend to be pretty touchy-feely (at least by guy standards), and would enjoy getting some attention in return....it feels weird when it's just one sided like that.

You say it's not a huge deal, and that's good, because to a lot of people, lack of compatibility on that front IS a huge deal. I guess I'd monitor how I was feeling, and see if it becomes more and more of a sticking point that physical affection feels one-sided. If it's something that's important to you, it's a pretty big thing to have to resign yourself to do without. Comfortability with physical affection, both giving and receiving, is a pretty big are of compatibility for most people.

The money thing would annoy me. Not gonna lie.

[yankeeyosh]

If I didn't live with my S.O., I'm certain that we'd not likely see a ton of one another during the work week. But we went from an LDR to living together in short order. There never was a period in our relationship where we were living nearby one another, separately. I think it's fairly normal for working adults to not have a ton of couple time planned into their workweek if they're not cohabiting. I wouldn't worry so much about this.

This, however, gives me a bit more pause...because it's not a logistics thing, it's more just something about who a person is hardwired to be:


The thing is, this really is not a LDR. As mentioned, she is only 20-30 minutes away from me. I was two miles from her this evening, and will be even closer tomorrow night. But she needs her space, and while I am OK with granting it for now, I don't know how this will be in the future.


You say it's not a huge deal, and that's good, because to a lot of people, lack of compatibility on that front IS a huge deal. I guess I'd monitor how I was feeling, and see if it becomes more and more of a sticking point that physical affection feels one-sided. If it's something that's important to you, it's a pretty big thing to have to resign yourself to do without. Comfortability with physical affection, both giving and receiving, is a pretty big are of compatibility for most people.

It's not a huge deal simply becuase I am trying to feel it out myself. I guess it would be nice if I got attention, but it isn't mandadory.

The money thing would annoy me. Not gonna lie.

It is annoying. I don't care if she makes a lot, but it almost sounds to me like she is gloating over it....even though I don't think she really means to do that.

I will say we have a good time together, and enjoy each other's company. But compared to a month ago, I just am not as smitten about her as I was...could it come back? Possibly. But it seems things on my end have plateaued for a while.

[drummer]

When she says she needs her space, does she just mean time for herself, or is she literally busy with work and other things? I am single, so maybe things would be different if I had a girlfriend, but I'm pretty obsessed with having time after work to get things done around my place. That's where I get a lot of writing done and reading and my non-work interests, so I'm usually kind of grumpy if I have something that takes up that time. Again, if I had a girlfriend, I would be more open to giving her some time during the week, but not tons at this point.

[winneythepooh7]

Can you explain the money part a little more? Is she randomly just throwing that out there? How does it come up?

I've seen you get mad about people on HERE though Mark when they are just having a basic conversation related to $$$$$ (all trolls/intentional braggarts aside). Could it be it's just something personal you are being hypersensitive about?

I also know from an outside perspective, you often seem to be pretty hard on yourself when it comes to $$$$$. From what I believe you've posted before about how much you save, especially based on what you make, you are worlds ahead most people I know IRL. And remember you and I both hail from high COLA's. ;).

I also know you don't like your job, which must be tough, but that still does not IMO warrant getting pissed at someone because they "feel they get paid well for what they do". IRL, there's always someone who's going to get paid more, or get paid a sum we personally may not feel they deserve based on what they do for a living, who they are as a person, etc. etc. the list goes on.................it can be annoying, but bottom line, this is LIFE and we need to deal with it. NOT continue to compare ourselves to others. Otherwise, we are never going to be happy.


From an outside, unbias perspective, how you phrased it at least, really does not come across as being THAT offensive.


Just my opinion, but as I've posted on here before, anything related to $$$$$ often brings out the worst in people and creates unnecessary pissing-contests.

Lastly, if this relationship is going to have long-term potential, you should be HAPPY if she makes good $$$$ and is content with that to boot............because IMO, that could ultimately be YOUR combined income one day ;). And if she is happy with her job too (or at least not running for the hills!), that will only translate to a better home life with her SO. Actually, this is important for ANYONE someone plans to be with for the long-term........

[wordsmith]

Really, all the other stuff is minor to my way of looking at things, except for the whole, "I can't show you affection, it's just who I am," thing. Couldn't live with that, myself. Major no-exceptions must-have. That stands out to me as being the biggest potential make-or-break issue down the road.

[Mini14]

You said she's very busy, is it her work that keeps her so busy?

I'm just wondering because if it is, that could be what the "I get paid well for what I do" comments are about... i.e. maybe work can be overwhelming sometimes but she's trying to remind herself that there are benefits (i.e financial).

Just a thought.

[cheshrcarol]

Maybe when your girlfriend makes comments about how much she makes, it's not so much bragging as it is feeling a sort of guilt about it? I've said similar things myself. I *do* make a very decent amount of money and I make more than most of my friends, so sometimes when money comes up I feel like I somehow need to justify it.

I think it's important to distinguish whether she's randomly bragging about how well she does, or if it's part of the conversation and she's trying to justify it.

[hoodie]

On the bragging thing, I agree with carol, I think it's important to note that she's not saying, "I make mad dolla billz!" but according to you, "I get paid well for what I do". Sounds to me more like she's justifying being busy all the time more than bragging about her job and/or salary. It might just be rubbing you the wrong way if you're unhappy with your job, perhaps.

I echo others in that the seeing each other during the week thing is no huge deal but that the affection could be a problem, if it's a deep seeded part of her personality and it doesn't jive with your style. You really need to look at yourself and think about how much it truly bothers you.

[yankeeyosh]

Maybe when your girlfriend makes comments about how much she makes, it's not so much bragging as it is feeling a sort of guilt about it? I've said similar things myself. I *do* make a very decent amount of money and I make more than most of my friends, so sometimes when money comes up I feel like I somehow need to justify it.

I think it's important to distinguish whether she's randomly bragging about how well she does, or if it's part of the conversation and she's trying to justify it.

You may are right...maybe she is just trying to justify the situation. She is constantly busy, and under stress from students she works with (she is in financial aid), and so perhaps it might be that. Usually it comes up when she is talking specifically about her job, so that might explain it. I don't really like hearing it...especially every week, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it. I hate to say this, but money is still a touchy issue for me. I need to talk about this to my therapist next week.

But anyway, that does not deal with the problem that I think things have not been going anywhere in the past month. Besides what I already told you, there are other things...we haven't really been as intimate as we were, say a month and a half ago...I still have the same problems I discussed previously related to that, so I am wondering if that may have something to do with it. The amount of contact we have had since the fight is way down...we still talk to each other on the phone a couple of times a week between the times we meet, but no more texting during the day...perhaps an odd e-mail here and there and a Facebook comment. And to be honest, even though I usually call her Thursday nights, I really don't feel like doing it tonight. And I'm not really sure why. I think part of it has to do with the fact that I am going to be visiting a friend tonight (five minutes away from her...yet she didn't tell me to stop by). But that doesn't explain everything.

[hoodie]

Is it the issues you mentioned that cause the problem, or do you think you just might not be feeling it anymore?

[yankeeyosh]

Is it the issues you mentioned that cause the problem, or do you think you just might not be feeling it anymore?

I don't know. I really enjoy spending time with her and we get along very well. She understands and in some ways, relates to my issues...we talk about deep things, and she doesn't feel fazed (neither do I). And she is the most honest, open, respectful person I have ever dated. She really has every quality I want in a partner (outside the fact that our interests are diametrically different). So I don't know if it's because I'm not feeling it.

Another thing is, I do not really want to break up with her unless there really is a concrete dealbreaker. My brother is telling me constantly to dump her, but he's the outlier. One of my friends said that being with her is "the best thing that ever happened to" me. And he may be right. I fear that if I end this, I may never find someone else like her.

I am also wondering if emotionally, I am ready for a relationship. I have had major difficulties in the past, and perhaps it hasn't changed all that much. I really hate the concept of being single for the rest of my life, but I think that if this doesn't work out, I will stop this whole dating scene, concentrate on improving my lot, and then maybe in time (perhaps a long time) I will try again. So far, I have been in three relationships, each lasting only two to three months. I don't know how long this one will go, but if it falls within that realm again, I think there's my answer.

[pisces2473]

I am going to be visiting a friend tonight (five minutes away from her...yet she didn't tell me to stop by).
As for that part, maybe she doesn't want to infringe on your friend time? Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as the "needy girlfriend?" I don't know...

[yankeeyosh]

As for that part, maybe she doesn't want to infringe on your friend time? Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as the "needy girlfriend?" I don't know...

Well, it's mostly the fact that I will not see her until the weekend after this coming one that makes me frustrated over that.

[cheshrcarol]

Maybe you just need to have an open talk about what both of your expectations are for a relationship, and find some compromise. There should be some middle ground - she shouldn't feel pressured, but at the same time when you're in a relationship you have an obligation to work to keep it going.

As for the physical stuff, have you made it clear that you want to be as intimate as you were before? I think the best thing ever for my relationship is that my SO and I talk all the time about how much we want each other and and what we'd like to do with each other. And then when we're together, we try to do the things we talked about. It helps foster intimacy, and also builds the anticipation. And try not to let it stress you out. Remember, it's something to be enjoyed between the two of you.

[gemma-dahl]

As for that part, maybe she doesn't want to infringe on your friend time? Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as the "needy girlfriend?" I don't know...

I know that in the early parts of my past relationships, I was always sure to be superbusy because I was hypersensitive to being perceived as needy. Friday nights were designated "friends only." Good suggestion.

Maybe you just need to have an open talk about what both of your expectations are for a relationship, and find some compromise. There should be some middle ground - she shouldn't feel pressured, but at the same time when you're in a relationship you have an obligation to work to keep it going.

Good point as well. I personally am not very physically affectionate, and I can understand how someone would feel hurt if this was not discussed. It's important to keep the lines of communication open.

I hope things turn out well for you OP! I wanted to add one more thing: you said before that since the first few relationships you had only lasted 2-3 months, that must be your pattern. I gather you are fairly new to dating, and I just wanted to tell you that it can take some practice before you hit your stride, so to speak. I had a large collection of relationships in my teens and college years that only lasted 2-3 months before I had one that lasted for longer (he was also an ass, but that's besides the point). So if this is something you want, I'd encourage you to keep trying.

[wordsmith]

I know that in the early parts of my past relationships, I was always sure to be superbusy because I was hypersensitive to being perceived as needy. Friday nights were designated "friends only." Good suggestion.

Absolutely. After so many years of hearing male acquaintances bash "needy" women, I pretty much made playing it cool my default setting when I'd first get to know guys. I was INCREDIBLY sensitive to being perceived as needy, so I went the opposite extreme and was just super unavailable.