Age Differences

[dreams82]

How much does age differences matter in a relationship? Please share your personal differences and how they have worked or not worked. I tend to date younger men, I think it's because I look younger, but it seems that society is more accepting of younger women dating older men, and not older women dating younger men. Thoughts?

[HDC80]

For me personally 5 years is my threshold.....and generally older men.

If I do hang out with someone younger, its generally not much younger...Ive found that men are generally immature...and since Im pretty mature with relationships this doesnt make for a good combo...at least long term.

As for what I 'accept' with my friends, generally not an issue if whoever they are dating isnt young enough to have been in a former class of mine, that I was not a supervisor of theirs at camp (as in I was a supervisor and they would have been my employee) or that I would have been a counselor of theirs had they been attending camp.

My one friend whose 26, is dating a 21 year old and is having a really hard time understanding why she isnt invited out.

The reasons:
1) we work at a college, with kids her age, so we generally dont associate with kids
2) she JUST graduated college, the likelyhood of her having anything in common when we go out and talk about marriage, babies, mortgages, 401k's, economy, career path is slim to none
3) for me personally....I would have had her as a camper when I was 18 and she would have been 10, AND I would have been her supervisor if she had worked at my camp...sorry line in sand drawn.
4) oh she JUST turned 21.....as in a month ago, and JUST graduated college as in 2 weeks ago. She is still in that OMG IM AT A BAR phase....which is what makes us LEAVE the bar if we encounter it.

[wordsmith]

My boyfriend is two and a half years younger than I am. We were 27 and 30 when we met. Less of a big deal than if we'd been say, 20 and 17.

I've generally dated all around my age. Never more than three or four years younger, and never more than 10 years older, though. There's usually been anywhere from a 2-5 year gap. I've probably dated more older men than men my age or younger, overall, but I have to say that the couple-year age gap we currently have going is really pretty meaningless.

[KCboy]

Ive found that men are generally immature...and since Im pretty mature with relationships this doesnt make for a good combo...

I find this funny. Aren't you the one who will give out your phone number to strange guys while you’re out on a date?

[Bocheezu]

Well the old adage for guys is nothing younger than half your age plus seven. But it's not like that's based on anything.

I think it's like anything else in life, no two people are the same and each person has a different maturity level for a given age. With that in mind, however, I think the stage of life that someone is in has a major impact on compatibility. For people in their 20s and 30s, I generally categorize them into three groups:

1. Undergrad
2. Grad school or going back to school (ie, not making real money)
3. Working full time

I think it's certainly normal to intermingle with other groups, but the person lower on the maturity rung has to be above-average mature to make up for it. It's rare for someone working full time to hang out with a college undergrad without it being anything but a fling, simply because there's no compatibility there. If both people are working full time, than age doesn't really matter too much.

And the man being older/younger doesn't really have much to do with maturity as much as cold hard cash. A woman working full time is rarely going to date anyone but 3s, while guys working full time will certainly date 2s and sometimes 1s.

[wordsmith]

Yep, compatibility and being able to relate well to one another is pretty crucial regardless of an age gap. If there's a significant gap, it warrants bearing in mind that people have different priorities at different ages.

S.O.'s dad's second marriage to a much younger woman is now in the divorce proceedings stage, in part because different priorities associated with being a significantly different age (though that's far from the whole picture). When your wife is of prime childbearing age and wants a baby, and you've determined that you're in your fifties, on a second marriage, and not interested in having anymore kids, that's likely to cause a real priority conflict.

'Course, it would have probably been better to think about that BEFORE tying the knot and having the kid, but, hey, not my life.

[Tayl405]

I don't care about an age difference at all. For me, it's just about lifestyle and maturity. Sure, most likely 2 people will have similar lifestyles at similar ages, but I know plenty of people 15+ years older than me with whom we share common interests and lives. One of my best girlfriends is 43, lives with her boyfriend, doesn't want kids, and shares many of the same interests as me (fitness, food, going out, etc.). But I know plenty of people my exact age who have no interest in those things and prefer to focus on raising a family.

I think too many people are hung up on age and sometimes miss the person behind the number. I have a long list of qualities that I look for in a guy that come before his age.

However, at this age (27), I probably would not date much younger but I wouldn't rule it out. I would just need to be confident that the guy was mature enough for me.

[HDC80]

I know a guy working full time whose dating an undergrad (she just grad)-----not sure that I see the connection...or how it works.

He would go from his apartment, where he lives along to visit her in her DORM....WTF?

KC...the story was that I was on a date and was asked for my phone number....to which I told the guy no. But he handed me a card with his number on it, that I then showed my date and we had a laugh.

[wordsmith]

I think too many people are hung up on age and sometimes miss the person behind the number. I have a long list of qualities that I look for in a guy that come before his age.



True...I wouldn't have even necessarily known my BF's age...I'd just have (correctly) assumedit was somewhere around mine. It wasn't like I was thinking, "OMG, you SEEM a lot younger than I do," or "I feel so much older than you." Nah. We're peers, and compatible.

[carmenjones]

I am 26 and just went on a date with someone who is 38! He has a son that's 21...OMG!!! But on the date we seemed to have a lot in common....I'll keep you guys posted....I usually date guys my age so this is very new for me ;):

[wordsmith]

When I was in my late twenties, I dated a couple of different guys who were pushing forty. Both of them had their shit notably less together than my current boyfriend does at 29. You never can tell.

[hoodie]

You can't assume anything, I've learned.

Some younger people really have their act together and some older people are just babies in an "adult" costume. You've got to judge based on the individual.

[wordsmith]

Absolutely.

[Krishna]

I think I've discussed this before, but acceptable age ranges vary for me based on the ages of the individuals involved. If you are 17 and dating a 23 year old, I have a problem with that. If you are 30 and dating someone who is 35, that's not a big deal at all.

Having said that, my SO and I are only 1 month apart. At this point in my life, age isn't so much an issue...status in life is. I can't really see myself dating someone who is still in college, for example.

[wordsmith]

Hah, I was 17 and dating a 21-year old. My dad wasn't a fan. But it was really just his bias, the guy was actually incredibly nice and respectful. At any rate, I broke up with him when I left for college.

I'm also in a relationship with somebody who's back in school. Probably at some point, we'll BOTH be in school at the same time.

[Krishna]

I'm also in a relationship with somebody who's back in school. Probably at some point, we'll BOTH be in school at the same time.

I actually meant attending school for the first time. I'm starting school again in the fall, but I view that as being different than being away from home for the first time.

[pawnstar3]

Age doesn't matter as much as where you're at in your respective lives- age, of course, plays a role in that but is not always the determining factor as to where you're at in your life- for instance, i was 24 when i met my ex who was 27 at the time- when we broke up i just turned 26 and she was 29 - she was looking to get married at the time we broke up and i didnt feel ready for that - she also was an attorney, lived on her own a lot, etc- and i didnt feel like i had the same life experiences - looking back on it though, i prob didnt want to commit to her because i didnt feel completely happy with her

Would i date an older woman again? absolutely - i would prob date an older one faster than i would date a younger one

[PenforPrez]

I keep a very wide age range in who I will go out with. I have the same problem George Burns joked about when he was dating in his 80's: "Look, I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age." I have no choice but to keep my options open. I've flirted with a couple of women past 50, and they were really cool.

The only actual relationship I've been in was with a girl who was 30 when I was 21. It worked out well because I was mature for my age. Most of the women who have been interested in me have all been about 10 to 12 years older; those tend to be the only women who understand me. :rolleyes:

It really depends on the individual people involved. I tend to go out with women 35 to 40 because they tend to be the only single women I meet, and they also tend to be the women who are willing to get to know me. That's not the case for some people. Their needs as far as age range will be different.

Paul

[Tayl405]

I mean no offensive by this to anyone, but I always think it's funny when people say they date "older" men or women, when in fact they're only a few years older. My boyfriend is 3 years older than me, but I consider us the same age. I would never phrase it like I'm "dating an older man". I guess it would take a significant age gap for me to acknowledge it.

[DaneCA]

I agree with you, Taylor, but I think it depends on a person's current age. I've dated a couple of guys who were seven years older than me; I considered that "dating older men." But I'm only 25. 20 years from now, however, I wouldn't view seven years as a significant age difference. Likewise, at 25-30, a guy who's three years older than you is probably pretty much on your level, but 10 years ago, he wouldn't have been.

[ebrillblaiddes]

Yeah, the age difference that counts as anything to mention definitely depends on the age. 90 and 70 is OK, 40 and 20 is a little weird, 30 and 10 is illegal. BF and I are 7 years apart, which is fine when we're 32 and 25, but would be a problem of varying magnitude if either one of us were a teenager (I realize that 19 and 26 could happen, but the people would be at totally different places in life, so, still probably a bad match).

[yankeeyosh]

Funny thing...until recently, it was essentially required that I date someone older than me since I felt I related better. But I think my views have changed...in fact, I now feel that the fact that my girlfriend is a year younger than me is ideal. I did have a 34 year old girlfriend a year ago, and while that isn't a huge age difference, there were times when I did feel a tad young.

[callyna81]

I'm generally not attracted to guys who are much younger. Maybe physically, mentally, not so much. But everyone's different. Almost all of my (female)friends have younger partners, and my male friends have older female partners, which is not really status quo, but it is what it is.

I know a few people who are old souls and it wouldn't surprise me if they were with much older people.

[FishOutOfWater]

I think it's less about your age and more about whether the two of you are in the same stage of life. For example, one of my friends has been with a guy 5 years her senior since she was 21 and he was 26. Both of them were actually in very similar life stages when they met - both were students at the same university (him in PhD, her in BA), neither had had a serious relationship previously, and neither was quite ready to settle down (a common problem friends have run into when they date guys 4-6 years older - the guy wants a family and kids much sooner than the woman, and it dissolves). Because he was on the less mature side for his age, it worked out.

I have a friend who is 25 and seriously with a 37-year-old guy. It wouldn't be quite as weird if he didn't have a 19-year-old son. I feel like that is a different life stage because he's divorced and has practically grown kids, whereas a 37-year-old who'd never settled down might be more of a match. That said, it seems to be working for them, so you really never know!

I can't really comment a lot on this because my SO is only a year older than me, but I did feel older than him for awhile because I graduated college in '06, while he didn't finish until December '08. Based on our graduation dates people often make the assumption he's younger than me - because, you know, people *never* get their bachelors at 25 rather than 22. :rolleyes:

[Echo]

I tend to have strong connections with guys who are exactly my age (24), currently I'm in love with a guy who's 24, in the past I felt strong feelings for a guy who was my age too. I'm kind of a late bloomer so I guess I am a little less mature than girls my age, which means I have the same maturity level as guys my age... I think.

My ex bf is a year younger than me, I've had crushes on guys a year older than me.

My personal age range would be a year or two younger and 5 years older. I dunno, I'm just not into older guys. I once went on a date with a 30 year old guy and he seemed more like 38 in his manners and looks - I just thought 'why don't you find a woman your own age, you cradle-snatcher'.

If a guy is older than me, then he really has to have lots going for him like a good career, good looks and so on, whereas a guy my own age could be less perfect and I'd be content with that. It's just that women live longer than men and if he's 20 years older than me, then I'm going to be alone for 20 years when he dies.

[wordsmith]

The "stage of life" thing isn't foolproof, though.

I wholeheartedly agree that you need to have compatible wants, and probably a reasonably compatible timeline to meet those wants. But the thing is, people's wants can change. You can start out with somebody and have those things alligned, but then life happens, and you're no longer on the same page. Or, somebody can wholeheartedly THINK he or she wants something, but come to realize that he or she doesn't. Or does, but not with the person he or she thought he or she did.

Best laid plans, but there are no guarantees. The truth is, in human relationships, you can only plan and prepare for so much. There's a good amount out of your hands.

[Tayl405]

The "stage of life" thing isn't foolproof, though.

I wholeheartedly agree that you need to have compatible wants, and probably a reasonably compatible timeline to meet those wants. But the thing is, people's wants can change. You can start out with somebody and have those things alligned, but then life happens, and you're no longer on the same page. Or, somebody can wholeheartedly THINK he or she wants something, but come to realize that he or she doesn't. Or does, but not with the person he or she thought he or she did.

Best laid plans, but there are no guarantees. The truth is, in human relationships, you can only plan and prepare for so much. There's a good amount out of your hands.


I absolutely agree. What draws me to someone, at least initially, is the connection I have with that person and not whether our "lifestyles/goals" align. Yes, I probably need those things for the relationship to last, but ultimately I have to feel like I share a bond with the other person and have a desire to be around them. Age doesn't get in the way of that for me.

[gemma-dahl]

How much does age differences matter in a relationship? Please share your personal differences and how they have worked or not worked. I tend to date younger men, I think it's because I look younger, but it seems that society is more accepting of younger women dating older men, and not older women dating younger men. Thoughts?

I think that nowadays, older women dating younger men are called "sexy" and get a "You go girl!" and that older men with younger women are regarded a bit more suspiciously. And when I say older and younger, I mean bigger age gaps, not a few years apart.

I've dated nearly all older, ranging from 1-3 years older (which is basically insignificant) to 6-10+ years older (which often didn't work because the older parties often were extremely immature for their age). I have also dated people a year or so younger, and had one relationship with a guy a little younger, with whom I'm still on good terms. I really prefer people around my age range, which I guess means give or take a few years, since our goals and interests are more closely aligned. My partner is less than a year older than I am.