Making more intimate friendships with people

[mahlerssecond]

I have been posing the question in my mind the last couple of days, how do I make more intimate friendships with people? I think that this is part of the reason I can't get over my friendship I lost last winter.

I have lots of people that I associate with, but I haven't been able to get these relationships much beyond a acquanitance status. These are people that I have met through church and volunteer activities. Work is out of the question due to the fact that we are on the phone to people constantly, hence we do not have much time to chit chat with one another. In the lunch room people will talk to family or friends on their cellphones and rarely to fellow coworkers.

Part of what I think gets in the way, is that I come under the impression that people do not have room for one more person in their life or group. Also people at our age have wives and children, and are looking for friendship with other couples. If you are single, you are kind of SOL.

Does anyone have any ideas how to overcome this?

[wordsmith]

You don't "make" intimate friendships, specifcially. You make friendships, and over time, they become more close or initmate organically and naturally, if they're going to. But you can't orchestrate intimacy. It happens over time.

[HDC80]

The people that you are friendly with....are you calling them to ask them to make plans? Sending Emails to catch up during the work week?

I find that if I meet someone new, that Id like to become friends with....I reach out to get in contact with them and invite them to do things.....this generally over time creates a solid friendship.

You have to walk into a new friendship without the thought that someone doesnt want one more friend, that their group is set.....its tough, but well everyone can typically use a friend, if they're THAT standoffish....then whatever, THEIR loss.

[fuzmiq]

I have been posing the question in my mind the last couple of days, how do I make more intimate friendships with people? I think that this is part of the reason I can't get over my friendship I lost last winter.

I have lots of people that I associate with, but I haven't been able to get these relationships much beyond a acquanitance status. These are people that I have met through church and volunteer activities. Work is out of the question due to the fact that we are on the phone to people constantly, hence we do not have much time to chit chat with one another. In the lunch room people will talk to family or friends on their cellphones and rarely to fellow coworkers.

Part of what I think gets in the way, is that I come under the impression that people do not have room for one more person in their life or group. Also people at our age have wives and children, and are looking for friendship with other couples. If you are single, you are kind of SOL.

Does anyone have any ideas how to overcome this?

It can be scary to put yourself out there to find new friends, but there certainly are people that need good friends in there life. You are looking, right? So, it's a reasonable idea that you are not the only one looking.

You are right that some people have reached capacity as far as friends go. But it's also true that there are people who are ready to welcome good people in their lives.

I have found that time is what it takes (with the right person of course). If there is someone in that has acquaintance status in your life right now that you would like to know better, suggest lunch, coffee, a movie...anything really. (Somewhere you can talk would be best)

[Tayl405]

I agree with the above posts. You have to make an effort, but you can't force a friendship. "Intimate" friendships occur naturally and over time. You can nurture them and push them along by keeping in touch, planning time together, etc., but two people just have to click in order to form a real bond.

I've gone through many friendships and acquaintances over time and few have truly lasted (as in, they are my really good friends). But that's taken time, effort on both parts, and personalities that naturally mesh. The rest have come and gone, or we are still friends, just not close. It just happens.

[gemma-dahl]

Part of what I think gets in the way, is that I come under the impression that people do not have room for one more person in their life or group. Also people at our age have wives and children, and are looking for friendship with other couples. If you are single, you are kind of SOL.

Does anyone have any ideas how to overcome this?

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but wanted to mention that even if coupled up, it's not necessarily so that people don't want to befriend single people. There are some benefits; namely, we don't have to deal with the whole "We like you, but your boyfriend is a dud" issue. We know some people who would otherwise be great friends but do everything with their significant others, and the SOs are not that fun.

The other thing I wanted to say is that forcing intimacy is tough, it really does need to evolve. I knew a few people who I couldn't befriend because they "spilled the beans" too early on. For example, it's honestly none of my business what your therapist said to you last session, or what you think of your mother, or how much you earned last year if it's the second time we've hung out. That is another issue I personally have when making friendships - I prefer honesty and openness, but I don't want to know alllllll about you right away.

[fuzmiq]

That is another issue I personally have when making friendships - I prefer honesty and openness, but I don't want to know alllllll about you right away.

Some people just relate that way. I am somewhat fine with it...as long as they know THAT's going to be a one-sided conversation. :)

[Agadefe]

I actually have had this problem as well, and have been working on it recently now that most of my good friends I made in college are far away from me. There has to be a good balance between effort and natural friend chemistry for this to happen. Don't force the friendship into intimacy just because you get along with someone. The one person I have truly felt has become a close friend over the past year is someone I met randomly at a bar and had an instant "drinking buddies" connection with. However, I went out of my way to call him the next weekend (I have always found this incredibly difficult and awkward to do, much more so than calling up women I am interested in). I think the key is to put in effort to call and email and make plans, etc. If it's meant to be, the intimacy will develop naturally after that.

Of course, an even better way is to find a person of the opposite sex and start off flirty and like you are looking to date. Then, after a while of kind of awkward 'are we gonna hook up today' semi-dates, have them friend-zone you by supporting them through their dating misadventures and telling them about yours. This gives you a good friend and a potential (if it's possible to be de-friend-zoned) relationship prospect for later that there is not much pressure with. This was meant to be half-joking, but 2 of my closest female friends were made in this way. Though of course, I didn't make an actual conscious decision to do that, it just happened.