What to do? Pretty lost [Archive]

TankgirlyC

03-15-2004, 08:45 AM

As some of you know I just celebrated 2 years with my BF on Feb 26. Well the weekend after he came up to my apartment and I had to leave him for about an hour to get my paycheck from my parents house and get paint samples for work. I left him at my place since my parents wouldnt be too keene on his coming with me.

While I was gone, my phone kept ringing. Finally I was able to call him back and he kept asking where I was and who I was with. I told him alone in my car getting paint samples. Well turns out he went through my stuff while I was gone and he found a note that I wrote to a male friend. This note read worse than what it was actually about. I was angry and pissed off that this friend blew me off.....and so the note read like we were together, which was never the case. Now my BF thinks I cheated on him. Even after I explained that it was just a close friend.

Whats even more crazy is the note he found is 3 months old. All this took place in December/early Jan. To my BF this doesnt make a difference at all, he says it doesnt matter if it was a year ago.

Basic run down...I was hanging out with an older male friend and didnt say anything to my BF because I didnt want to piss him off, in the past he has been angry for my having dinner with a male friend....

Now my BF knew I was friends with this guy but didnt know sometimes we went out for a drink. This guy would talk about his marriage and his issues/problems and I would talk about mine, but we also would laugh and joke. Then my older male friend one night planted a 7th grade lips only kiss on me.....and I never said anything to my BF, and also never talked about it with my friend because it was obvious he thought it was a mistake and why humiliate the guy anymore than he already was?

So my BF finds this note when he was GOING through my stuff looking for something because he had a hunch.

So now Im in the dog house for having a friend and not telling him EVER detail in my life. And my BF is pissed that I didnt say anything to stop the guy from 7th grade "kiss" me (cause it wasnt kissing it was a swak)----and he thinks that this "kiss" is cheating.

So was it okay that my BF went through my stuff (I have my own opinions, just want to see what you all think) and what about my not telling him EXACTLY what I was doing.

Lets just say that I am doing some thinking.....and outside thoughts sometimes help. I know most of you on these boards tell me that I only have negative things to say.....but this guy is good, and he has tons of potential, just as most, I tend to only say something when Im bothered.

Thanks again for all your help and support.

girlinterrupted

03-15-2004, 09:25 AM

I agree with what everyone else is saying. The trust (if it was ever there) in your relationship with your BF is gone now - you hid something from him, he went through your stuff. It takes a long time to rebuild trust once it's gone, & in this case it doesn't sound like he's worth it. Move on.

TankgirlyC

03-15-2004, 09:26 AM

Dont apologize, Im looking for some real responses here. =)

I had a hard time putting him in the dog house for going through my things when he was convinced that I was cheating. I tried to talk to him about going through my stuff...he said that if there is suspiscion, or a gut feeling then it is ok. I told him that I didnt agree at all, that I would never go through his things, if I had a gut feeling about something I would just ask him about it.

The reason I didnt tell him about my going out for drinks was that he got SO angry when I went to dinner with a male friend that i had for 4 years, that I could only imagine how he would react to my going out for drinks after work with one person, a male. So I just didnt tell him.

Maybe that was wrong, and Ill admit that.

pisces2473

03-15-2004, 09:29 AM

Trust seems to have been lost on both sides. I think it's time to call it quits. He went through your stuff (which is wrong), but why? What reason did you give him to think he needed to do that? And turns out he was right in doing that. You haven't been very trusting of him with certain details of your life, which isn't that great either. You both don't trust each other, so how can you stay together?

TankgirlyC

03-15-2004, 09:41 AM

I have no idea what made him have a feeling to make him think to go through my stuff.

As for my trust, its not that I dont trust telling him details of my life...I do, but having done this in the past it has been huge arguments with certain things I have told him......(going out to dinner with my guy friend who lives with his GF)

The way I operate is that my BF doesnt have to know every single move that I make in my life at every single second. If I go to the mall I dont feel that I have to call him and tell him that is what I am doing.
I also dont feel that if I head to drinks after work that I should have to call him and tell him I am going out for drinks and with whom.

Its not like I was spending HOURS with this male friend of mine....we would go for a drink for maybe a half hour.....

Any opinions on that?

gracieTx

03-15-2004, 09:56 AM

I agree with you: you shouldn't have to tell your boyfriend where you are 24-7. If you did, it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. Additionally, you shouldn't have to hide friends. If your guy can't deal with you having male friends and forces you to hide the facts from him just to avoid the wrath, he isn't operating under normal, mature logic. It sucks but do you really want to continue in such a manner? If it's been this way for 2 years, it's not going to change. You can't change a person; you can just figure out what you can or cannot deal with.

TankgirlyC

03-15-2004, 11:24 AM

His reasoning for not being cool with his GF hanging out with male friends is 2 things
1) when you have a BF there are certain things you dont do one of them is spend time alone with another guy (just basic classic "rules" of being in a relationship he says)

2) His ex cheated on him and spent time with another guy other than my BF.....so this means that any guy that his GF spends time with is trying to get in her pants.

Unfortunately this male co-worker planting a silly kiss on me has made my BF think that his ideas have been validated. I keep trying to tell him that my friend was confused and there was no reason to make him feel any more ashamed for what happened. He knew it was wrong, I knew he knew it was wrong so it should have been nothing at all. I didnt need to say anything to my BF because it was taken care of.

Keep in mind this all took place 3 months ago....I hung out with my friend in Nov....the kiss was early Dec...and the note was from just after Xmas....so I havent been hanging out with this guy for over 3 months but my BF is acting like it happened last night.

paperjam1015

03-15-2004, 11:34 AM

Tank,

I agree w/ everyone else. I think that makes group consesus. That's should be a big wake up call. I suggest you use this situation as a segway into talking to your bf about your feelings regarding the relationshiip.Since I have joined this board I don't recall any good points about the bf mentioned. I think it's time to go. You seem to be in different worlds and have different definitions of relationships.

I was in a similar situation for about two years. I was even living with the guy. The best thing I did for myself was to leave. It was also the hardest. I am a much better (and happier) person for it.
Feel free to pm me if you wanna chat.

TankgirlyC

03-16-2004, 08:18 AM

So the BF calls and says he is coming up to keep me company since Im alone in my apartment......Im psyched.
SO we decide to cook dinner and have a buddy of mine over.

On my way home I had to call my before mentioned male friend to ask a question about work (basically he is a manager, his boss wasnt in and I have a meeting that I have this morning at 830 and I know I was going to be asked about the nameplates and why the office my friend sits doesnt have their nameplates up)-----its not done because I didnt know how the boss of that department wanted it....so I buzzed my friend at work.
Now....my friend who came over last night sits in that same office, I went back there at 5 to get him to leave for my place and my before mentioned friend was on the phone, so I couldnt ask then, hence the quick phone call on my way home.

Now get this.....late last night my BF asks me why I called this guy at work...I explain that it was a question about the nameplates due to my meeting this morning.

So yeah....my BF went through my recent call log on my phone. So now he is acusing me of cheating again and that he is being played for a fool.

Im mad, Im sad-----all of your posts from yesterday are running through my head. He keeps making comments to jibe me. I think whats the worsed is I didnt even cheat and he is making me feel like I did. =(

I feel like crap this morning. Barely slept last night......argh.
Any thoughts?

Lynn0623

03-16-2004, 08:54 AM

His ex cheated on him and spent time with another guy other than my BF.....so this means that any guy that his GF spends time with is trying to get in her pants.

First of all, since you have been together for so long...shouldn't he realize that you aren't his ex-girlfriend? You are his current girlfriend. He obviously doesn't trust you even after you explain to him what was going on. Is your boyfriend Italian by any chance? I once dated this guy who was Italian who used to get so angry when I would hang out with my guy friends. He didn't think that you could just be friends with a guy. All guys want to do is get you into bed, which is what he thought. I disagreed and hence broke things off. One of the best things in my life. I also agree that the majority of things you post about your BF are negative and then you always try to defend what he does. That says something to me.....

TankgirlyC

03-16-2004, 09:14 AM

What does that say to you? Im curious to know =)

As for defending, yeah I do, Ill admit it. I just dont always see things as black and white-----I understand where he has some insecurities because of what happened to him, do I think that makes it right that he acts like this, no! But I am a firm believer in trying to work through things.

My BF is not Italian.

He says the reason he still doesnt trust me is that to him it seems like more was going on from what was in the note.....he constantly tells me that I was lying ( Personally I dont see NOT telling him something as lying...if I told him I was going to my parents for dinner but I was really going out for drinks with my friend THATS lying....I never did that)

Im just so frustrated with having to defend myself when its just a friend....and Im mad that he keeps snooping. I feel like I have to be nervous when I have nothing to be nervous about....and I feel like I need his permission to even place a call!

coll214

03-16-2004, 09:20 AM

Ahhh... some ppl would consider not telling someone a lie by omission. But I think I agree w/ everyone else here. You 2 have been together for quite awhile now, he should know you by now and realize that these are just friends. Who did you know first? the male friends or your boyfriend? Me and some friends often have this discussion; any male friends you had before your b/f he really can't say much about.... and checking your call log just screams insecure to me...

Crossroads

03-16-2004, 09:28 AM

Here are my thoughts - pretty much the same as everyone else's but w/ one thing to add. It's not good that you feel like you have to hide hanging out w/ a friend when there's nothing going on b/c of HIS issues. While it's good that you may be sensitive to them, it goes above and beyond that. Like Lynn said - you are his CURRENT GF and that doesn't mean that you will do what his Ex did. But maybe he thinks so b/c he's insecure. Going thru your phone log and your stuff?? No. He's completely in the wrong. Being at your place isn't an open invitation to snoop.

I will tell you, however, that I once had a BF spend the night w/ a girl in bed (I don't know what happened there to be honest) and I found out thru his roommate. He said he didn't tell me (it happened a month before I found out) b/c he knew I'd freak out about it. I freaked out even harder b/c it seemed like he was trying very hard to hide something. I would have preferred to have had the truth up front. Maybe your BF is experiencing the same feeling? It still doesn't excuse his going thru your stuff but maybe he feels you have been hiding something from him now that he's found this note and you've told him the truth. If you put yourself in his shoes...how would you react?

TankgirlyC

03-16-2004, 09:28 AM

These are friends that I met at my job that I started August 03. So they are friends since I have been with my BF.....

IMO you can make friends whenever, and your SO cant really tell you who to be or not to be friends with.....unless there is harm being done...such as every time you go out with so and so your SO gets trashed and does stupid things.....then its looking out for the person....but if they just hang out and talk and are friends...there shouldnt be an issue.

I never have issue with his hanging out with girls....he doesnt usually hang out with girls because he thinks thats not something you do when you have an SO....but thats his CHOICE...I keep telling him I have no issue and just because he chooses NOT to doesnt mean I have to NOT do that either.

TankgirlyC

03-16-2004, 10:11 AM

I hear you on being upset if your SO spend the night in someone elses bed and didnt tell you about it. That is more serious IMO.

Now....going out for a drink for 30 minutes after work and just not telling him because he freaks out even if I grab a quick bite with a guy and its only the 2 of us...thats why I didnt tell my BF.

As for being in his shoes-----first I would never snoop through his stuff to begin with, even if I had a hunch! But if I did have suspiscions I would say something to him and talk.....and go with his word. If he started acting strange I might be more apt to want to know where he was and what he was doing, but that would be all.
Now lets just say that he left a note like what I wrote out on his dresser and I happened to get a glance at it.....I would probably jump to conclusions, but once he told me what was up and why he told me he omitted it from conversation (maybe say he thought I would flip out like I had before---remember he did this to me and Im in his shoes)---then I would think that I would need to be more understanding so that he would tell me what was going on and not "hide" things from me.

I wouldnt snoop through his call log or E mail just to see if he wasnt talking to the person anymore----hell I wouldnt even tell him NOT to talk to that person, I would say keep your friendship, but just let me know if you are hanging out with them.

Then I would move on.

My BF sent this guy an E mail asking why he persued me since he knew I had a BF...then when my friend didnt write back he wrote another saying that my friend wasnt being a man. My friend told me that he just didnt want anything stupid to happen.

Last night my BF even said he was being nice in not telling my friends wife that he was hanging out with me....what that would accomplish I dont know.

paperjam1015

03-16-2004, 10:34 AM

Oh my god, He actually sent him an e-mail? And he is threatening to contact the guy's wife? Does this sound sane to you? And how does what your boyfriend has done and might do making you look? Unfortunatley his actions are going to reflect on you. Didn't you say that you knew this guy from work? Don't let your boyfriend affect your professional life. It sounds like you have worked hard ot get where you are.

Is this really what you want to deal with the rest of your life? Take it from me, no amount of talking to him is gonna make this better.

I hate to be so hard on you, but how many ppl saying the same thing to you does it take to see what a punk this guy is being?

You know you've siad you guys have been having problems. And from what you described he seems like a somewhat passive guy.
Is it possible that he's usuing this as an excuse to start an argument? Or that he knows something is wrong, but isn't sure what..so he assumes that this is what it is?

Lynn0623

03-16-2004, 10:50 AM

What does that say to you? Im curious to know =)

If my boyfriend went through my stuff and found a note, like in your case, and I explained to him what was going on yet, he still didn't believe me...that would say to me that he doesn't trust me. Relationships are built on trust and if the trust isn't there by both parties...then something needs to change.

In your posts you are constantly defending him for things that he does and it's like you are putting the blame on yourself. I do the same exact way. I will feel a certain way and think that it is silly for me to be feeling this way and thus blame myself. I spoke with my boyfriend about that this weekend and am going to attempt to tell him exactly how I feel regardless if I think it's me just being silly. Does that make sense?

TankgirlyC

03-16-2004, 12:19 PM

my BF did not threaten my friend in the E mail......my BF basically wrote why did you persue her if you knew she had someone and just because you were having marital problems doesnt mean that you go and mess up her relationship.

My bf never told my friend he was going to tell his wife. my BF told me that my friend was lucky he was being nice and didnt tell his wife....

What irks me is the more I tell him what happened over and over he keeps still thinking there was more to it. But whats annoying is the last time this friend of mine went out and got drinks was BEFORE XMAS....and since then he and I barely even talk. I had to call him last night on my way home to get information for my meeting at 830 this morning.

But did my BF understand this and realize that I do have to ask this guy some stuff since we are in the same office? Or that I will pass by him, or he might sit down with my group of friends at lunch because HE is friends with them too? My "friend" works in an office with 5 other people, 3 of whom Im friends with, so yeah I go back there and talk to my friends....what am I supposed to do if this guy says hi to me? Snub him?

Im more annoyed because the more I tell my BF he needs to trust me the more he tells me that I have broken his trust and that now he cant trust me, and doesnt listen to what I tell him happened. He keeps fixating on what he THINKS happened.

He just wont listen, and you are right he is insecure and I agree that his going through my stuff is never right. But even when I talk to him he tells me it was justified because he had intuition that something was going on. Ok fine but what he found out was not that I cheated but that I had drinks with a friend.

paperjam1015

03-16-2004, 02:07 PM

Wow...I can't believe this...He doesn't trust you. That's probably because he knows that he isn't very trustworthy and is projecting his untrustworthiness on to you.

Keep trying to prove to him that you are right. It's like banging your head on a brick wall. It will get you nowhere. This relationship has gotten incredibly unhealty. Look beyond his words. His comment about the guys wife is a threat. Wake up. You are much smarter than this.

I think I'm gonna throw in the towel.

Good luck to you.

Lynn0623

03-16-2004, 02:17 PM

I am going to have to agree with PJ on this one. If a relationship is causing you more frustration above anything else it might be time to throw in the towel. Granted relationships are going to be work and aren't easy all the time. But when you get to the point where it becomes too much, you might need to take a step back and do some re-evaluating. Lots of luck to you :)

dliepmanSUX

03-17-2004, 03:12 AM

again, I am gonna have to play devil's advocate on this one...evryone who has posted thus far SEEMS to know so much about someone they know nothing about...how can we fairly judge you, your BF, or your collective actions, as inexperienced outside viewers to your relationship...your defending him indicates your attachment to him which is reason enough NOT to just "throw in the towel"...maybe you DO need to take a good hard look at some of the underlying thematics here, but giving up won't solve anything...in fact, such will likely make things worse as you will feel that it all disintegrated as a result of miscommunication and misunderstanding (I am suffering through that right now and believe me it sux hardcore)...

it sounds like things are a bit heated right now between the two of you and efforts to set the record straight will likely fail if both parties aren't level-headed in their approach to the resolution...although we can make assumptions regarding the type and severity of the feelings your BF is experiencing right now, the only person who really knows how he feels is him...respect that much...despite the fact that it all may have surfaced in response to a rather sticky situation (the assumptions based on snooping based on sneaking based on intolerance, etc.)...

1st...I think that you both need time to let the waters settle...assure him that you feel as though you would like to clarify things and/or make reparations for your part in the misunderstanding but NOT if he is going to approach this without an open heart and an open mind and be willing to not only hear you but actually listen to what you have to say...

2nd...approach the reconciliation ASSERTIVELY (vs. aggressively or passively...study up on assertive communication methods if necessary...believe me it will make a HUGE difference)...explain to him what you understand the problem to be...ask if he agrees with your assessment and allow him to make additions where necessary...once you both have an understanding of what the problem SEEMS to be, take responsibility for your actions that may have contributed to the perceived wrong-doing...be careful not to get defensive...it will only spark his aggressive behavior patterns in response...explain your oversights/errors in correlation with a responsibility statement/apology being careful to avoid the "I'm sorry for...BUT I..." the 'BUT' has a tendency to negate the apology...cut the 'BUT'...(e.g. "I'm sorry for not telling you that I hung out with this guy BUT I thought that telling you would just make you angry with me." vs. "I'm sorry for not telling you that I hung out with this guy. I wasn't fully aware of how such a situation would hurt you." ...see the difference?:)...your assertiveness will likely promote reciprocal assertive behaviors on his part...its about coercing rather than forcing...

3rd...listen...listen...listen some more...being a good listener can do wonders in situations like these...hear what he has to say, and then pause before responding...don't jump to fill air space...just take it all in...HEAR what he is trying to tell you...this is likely a difficult and sensitive topic to approach based on his relationship history...and once you have listened to what he has to say, repeat back what you understand him to have just stated (this is what I heard you say, is this what you mean...) such that you both agree on what it is that you understand to be the issues at hand...such an understanding will help to keep the waters calm while you both clarify for yourselves and each other all pertinent issues and work to settle your differences...

4th...once the main issues have been settled, attempt to use the same approach in the discussion of some of the underlying thematics that caused the miscommunication in the first place (trust, snooping, intolerance, etc.) and communicate your joint worries about whether you two believe such dictates that the relationship need to change...

...you obviously care a great deal about this guy...don't turn your back on him now even if his actions aren't fully honorable...if you can find it in your heart to forgive him for his wrongdoings, turning your back would only leave you with unresolved emotion and regret...best of luck with it all...let us know how things turn out...

now if only someone could convince MY ex to listen with an open heart and an open mind I would have less to gripe about...:(

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 10:11 AM

dliepmanSUX
Thank you for a new perspective. All those things you said, telling him to listen with an open heart and mind----basically understand that what he perceived is not reality....I told him that and he said he would, obviously its not the case though.

As for assertive approach. Thats how I always talk with him, make sure that I repeat what I believe the problem to be to be sure that I understand where he is coming from and talk about it accordingly. He states his problem, I repeat back what he said and he tells me I am wrong. I keep trying though.

Ive tried to talk to him about what would make him comfortable, but he tells me that NO contact at all. What makes this difficult is that I do work in the office with him, and do have to talk to him about some issues. We dont go to lunch anymore, we dont talk on the phone (except when I had to call about an office issue), and if I go back to his office to talk to my other friends back there and he says hi I cant exactly ignore him.

Plus I still think I should be able to be friends with my friend, and just not hang out one on one.

I wanted to add another update:
Last night at aout 1015 I was talking to my BF and the convo came to a lull, so I decided to get off the phone, do some odds and ends, shower and call him back, all of which I told him.

I did my stuff and then called him back, no answer. Waited like 2 minutes (his phone has a habit of not ringing he gets bad reception in his room)---and called again. I left a quick voice mail that I was finished and to call me back.

While I was in the shower my friend Bryan called me....so While waiting for my BF to call me back I called Bry. He was drunk and in FLA and just wanted to chat with someone and laugh. So after 10 min my BF called, I clicked over and told him I was talking to Bry but I would call Bry back.
I click to tell Bry Ill call him back and then click back to my BF.....my BF then accuses me saying
"So you blew me off before to call Bryan."

I said no I told you what I had to do. But he kept saying I blew him off to talk to Bry. And why would I call Bry if I knew my BF was going to call me back. I said well....I left a voice mail and knew you would call me when you got it and Bry knew I would then call him back.

Basically it was huge drama.

He really is acting irrational, and out of control about this stuff. I shouldnt feel like a criminal for making a phone call or receiving one.

What a week.

Crossroads

03-18-2004, 11:29 AM

I'm sorry, but why are you putting up with this? And how long WILL you put up with it? The whole situation is just getting plain ridiculous...

pisces2473

03-18-2004, 11:30 AM

I agree with Crossroads. The way he's treating you is just like your parents treated you when you lived at home. Are you a glutton for punishment?

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 11:39 AM

I guess the reason I put up with it is that he really is my only friend. Granted most of you read that and probably think why would I even consider him that.

Thing is, I dont have other social contacts. I try to, but it never really works out. As I have posted about before.

I really cant imagine just coming to work, going home to be alone and then spending weekends alone. Because really thats what my life would become. I did that through middle, high and college.

I do love my BF and care for him deeply and tend to think that if we keep talking and working on it that we will both understand what needs to be done, do it and be better together. We used to be teriffic, and believe that somehow we can get back to that. I may be delusional thinking this as well.

Maybe I put up with it because Im used to due to how my parents were with me. I want to break out and I tell him that he treats me like my parents did but then he tells me no he doesnt and that I must just want to be a wild child since Im not under their roof anymore. Well maybe thats part of it, I dont want to have to tell someone where I am ALL the freaking time, or when I have a phone call or when Im going to bed...I should be able to control that on my own....and my BF sometimes doesnt let that happen. If he calls and Im at the mall or something he asks why I didnt call him to tell him.

Maybe I just deserve to be totally alone all the time.

coll214

03-18-2004, 11:48 AM

Tank- I think what everyone's saying is that it just looks to us (granted we don't really know you or your BF) that this relationship isn't healthy anymore. No one should have to report their every waking move to someone else and yeesh you would call him eventually...

And no one deserves to be alone all the time...

pittgirl

03-18-2004, 12:11 PM

Tank, I have to agree with Coll on this one and that the relationship is not healthy anymore, espicially if there is lack of trust and if he is going through your thing. Honestly I see nothing wrong with having male friends and going out with them, espicially when the males have gf of their own. Your bf is really over reacting and honestly if I had a guy who kept going through my stuff like he seems to keep doing to you, it's not fair to you. He should trust you the first time that you are not cheating. It's one thing to go through something one time, but he keeps repeatedly doing it with every forms of communication.

You should never feel like you have to be alone and I can sympathize with him being your only friend. I was in that same situation before and thankfully he ended the relationship before me and it was the best thing ever. I know it's hard to look at the bad in a person espicially when you have been with them for two years. But sometimes people do change and grow and know matter how much you keep talking to him and he keeps acting like this, it is going to turn out uglier and messier down the road. I wouldn't say break up with him, but definetly tell him you need your space right now and what he is doing is not right. If he keeps acting like this, then you will have to break up with him, because it is not fair to you at all. You shouldn't have to defend your actions to him or tell him where you are at every minute of the day. Maybe if you take some time to yourself to, you will realize you might be better off without him too. Breaking up with someone is very hard to do, but in the long run you realize it was the right thing. Everyone is scared to be alone you can ask almost everyone on this board, it's scary and it's not easy. But you have to do what is going to make you happy in the long run. Heck I was really bad when my ex ended things ask my friend on here Shimmer728, but I have pulled through and things are going better now than I ever thought they would. Just keep strong!

Plus the thing with his ex, I am going through that now with a guy I am sorta seeing. He keeps comparing me to his ex, what she did and everything else. I told him flat out if he keeps it up, it will not work out. I can't have someone comparing me to someone else and treating me like that. He has to accept you for WHO YOU ARE and now what his ex was. Until he can work past these trust issues, it's not fair to you to be treated the way you are.

Crossroads

03-18-2004, 02:08 PM

The one thing that I want to add as well is this: If you don't feel the relationship is healthy anymore and you DO want to break it off, don't hang on to it just b/c he is your only friend. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be in a bad situation. But only you can determine how much of it is a bad situation, what you're willing to tolerate, and for how long.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 02:44 PM

Sure maybe no one "deserves" to be alone all the time, but really thats what I am when Im not hanging out with my BF. If he wasnt in my life my phone wouldnt ring, no one asks me to hang out or wants to go out when I ask them......so I would be alone.
Pittgirl....let me make this abundantly clear.....I have not one single friend that I go out with or could call and count on to be there for me. I just have people I talk to. I mean my life would become---get up go to work, go home, eat alone, go to bed. Weekends I would get up, do nothing, go no where, go to bed.
This also means I wouldnt be on the phone chatting with people or meeting up with people for lunch, literally I would do nothing and talk to no one.

I agree that all this stuff isnt fair and it shouldnt be going on. I just want my BF to get it. But he talks to his friends and they tell him that HE is right and I am wrong...but my friends and people on here tell me that Im right.....

I shouldnt have to tell him where I am going or what I am doing. He doesnt do that for me, but expects me to do that for him. Granted we are long distance....and I would call him if I was going out to the bar for a few after work just so he would know....but Im starting to get annoyed at even doing that.

pittgirl

03-18-2004, 03:26 PM

"I shouldnt have to tell him where I am going or what I am doing. He doesnt do that for me, but expects me to do that for him. Granted we are long distance....and I would call him if I was going out to the bar for a few after work just so he would know....but Im starting to get annoyed at even doing that."

Tankygirl-You said it right there, do you think it is fair at all, that you have to let him know all the time what you are doing, but he doesn't have to do the same for you? I know how it feels to be alone trust me and your not the only one who would struggle. Heck, if it wasn't for my best friend I wouldn't have anyone to go out with at all, it's kinda sad. (No offense Allison)
Please don't get mad or offended when I say this, but the friends that you talk to or barely hang out with, is it because of him? Have you tried to hang out with them, or afraid to because of your BF and you might miss a phone call or just be scared to know you let yourself have a good time with him? I almost lost my best friend because of my ex, I excluded people from my life and now I hate it because where am I know when I need them the most and I ditched them basically for a loser like him. Thankfully my best friend was very understanding and I apologize day in and out for the way things happened when I was with him. But then he broke trust and I was so scared of being alone and didn't know how I would react and everything else. So I secluded myself to just him.
I will tell you right now and everyone on this message board will tell you, it's not right what he is doing. Espicially in a long distance relationship you need to have trsut and communication. You are the only one who is making those efforts as well. I know you don't want things to end, but you need to have a firm talk with him and tell him you are very unhappy with the situation. You have to hold your ground and tell him, hopefully if you express to him how unhappy you are maybe he will realize his actions and change. However though if he is not willing to make a change or still act the way he is, your going to end up being very miserable more than you are now. A relationship is about comprimise, trust and communication. No offense he shows known of that from what you have said. I hope I didn't upset you or anything, it's just unfortunetly I have been in your shoes and I know how you feel I truly do.

dliepmanSUX

03-18-2004, 03:30 PM

what strikes me as odd, and maybe I just need clarification about this, but the problem that your BF seems to be harping on is that you don't tell him who you are with and where you are going, etc., etc. However, you claim that without your BF you wouldn't have anyone to be with or anywhere to go...hmmm...

somewhere in there was a 'right' vs. 'wrong' argument which is an aggressive form of problem solving...how much more aggressive can you get than pointing fingers and placing blame??? Recognize that you have differences...differences that are contributing to the difficulties experienced in trying to find resolve...

in terms of the lonliness issue...I can TOTALLY relate to your situation regarding loss of your SO, especially if they are one of your closest friends and/or someone you invested loads of time in...but it sounds like, according to your evaluation of what life would be like for you without him, that you need to start investing in yourself a bit...how can you be who you want to be IN the relationship if you aren't happy with who you are OUTSIDE of the relationship??? (the evaluation of your happiness comes in response to your seemingly negative description of life without your BF)

I surely am in no position to judge your decision making process here...go with your heart is my best advice...in the end you have to be responsible for you...in most situations you're the ONLY ONE (as sad is that is) who will take responsibility for you...it sux but it is reality...

let me know if I can be of any more help...

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 03:34 PM

No the reason I dont go out with the people I talk to is that A) They dont invite me when they go out places and B) when I ask them to hang out they have other plans or tell me they arent interested.

And as for situations, at least you have a best friend you can turn to. I have NEVER in my life had a best friend. So you still have someone you can call, talk to, E mail, go get dinner with or a drink.....I would literally have to do EVERYTHING alone.

I have told my BF how I feel about this, and he just turns it around about how he was hurt in the past so he is more sensitive to these things and with it being long distance that when I go out he just likes to know.....

But the thing is.....why does he even need to know in the first place. I should be able to call him when I get home and tell him I did such and such, not have to tell him before, or not HAVE to tell him at all. If I dont want to tell him I got drinks, I shouldnt have to.

One time I was at the bar, and tried calling him but he didnt pick up and I didnt leave a voice mail. He called me back and got all pissed when I was sitting at the table with my friends telling him I would call him when I left.

If I were to sit down with him right now and point out all these specifics, he would tell me "I thought we were past that" or "I thought that was done and over with why are you bringing it up again"
So I just drop it as to not have a HUGE fight.

But I bring those things up to show him his pattern of behavior. And how he did it and keeps doing it.

I still cant imagine not talking to a soul other than when Im at work. I have been alone my whole life. You would think at 23 that I would have at least ONE single friend.

pisces2473

03-18-2004, 03:37 PM

It's funny b/c when we tell you ideas on how to meet people, you shoot down every idea. You say you don't have friends, yet you keep using that word throughout your posts. You're miserable with your boyfriend, yet you stay with him. It seems that all you ever talk about are these dichotomies that don't stop. It's time to make a choice and do something.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 03:40 PM

When I talk about telling him who I am with and where I am going....Im talking if I say go outside to shovel so if he calls my house and doesnt get ahold of me he doesnt think that Im off with some guy.
It has nothing to do with my having all these friends that I spend all this time with and never talk to him. Plus he knows my co-workers. He is fine ONCE he meets someone, but if he doesnt know them he acts as though they are a threat.

Like my married friend. The reason my BF and he never met was the fact that if we headed out for drinks we would go from 5 to 530 or 545.....my BF wouldnt get up here until 7 or 8 if he left right after work and my friend cant stay out that late due to his family.
So my BF said it was odd that they never could meet and my friend was always too busy. Well guess what, my friend does have a family, and I cant MAKE him stay out just to meet my BF.

Or if I go to the mall to shop....or go to my parents for dinner.....or go to grab lunch outside of the office.....or get a drink after work......or go to CVS to get nylons for the following workday.

He actually commented on how i never wear my work stuff when he and I go out. Well duh cause those clothes are for work. He said well you dress all sexy and nice and its like you do it for work but wont do that for me.

I cant recall the last time I went out at night without him and didnt go home at 8 as to not piss him off.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 03:41 PM

Pisces....what ideas are those?

And yes I may be upset at my situation but I dont just toss people to the wind because Im upset about something. I make sure that I have tried every avenue to fix/change things before I give up.

Reason for that? People have tossed me to the wind and given up on me for nothing, so I would never do that to another person unless for extream good reason.

pittgirl

03-18-2004, 03:44 PM

I dont want to sound mean but I know this from expierence but do you think maybe your friends don't want to hang out with you because they don't want to deal with you and your bf? And I don't mean you talking/gossiping about him, but maybe they get sick of the phone calls and you getting upset when he gets upset? I can relate to that because I have been teh girl people get upset at and I have been the person who gets annoyed when it happens. Like dliep said, maybe it is time you started working on yourself, then trying to beat a dead horse with the relationship.

If he is turning everything around and making it out to be your fault, that's not right and unfair. I can understand him being sensitive, but you guys have been dating for 2 years, it should be done and over with. That is stuff you should have dealt with in the start of the relationship not now, two years later. I can tell your really unhappy and it's not fair to yourself. Maybe you should just be drastic and show him how upset you are. Don't call him and who cares if he gets upset, maybe it will start proving to him your tired of putting up with all his crapola, you know? If things end because of it, your better off, you don't need a mom or dad to date, you need someone who is going to love you unconditionally and no offense not stalk you. I hope I have helped some, again I have been in your shoes and know what your feeling.

pisces2473

03-18-2004, 03:46 PM

From day one that you've been posting, everyone has been supportive and trying to help you find new people. Everything that we had suggested, you made excuses as to why you couldn't/wouldn't do them.

And the way your BF needs to know where you are at every minute--that's emotional abuse.

pittgirl

03-18-2004, 03:52 PM

And the way your BF needs to know where you are at every minute--that's emotional abuse. [/B][/QUOTE]

Pisces is right on with that one and were not trying to attack you or anything at all. Were just trying to help and be supportive, because it's not right what you are going through.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 03:55 PM

When I first started posting I lived in my parents house where I needed to ask if could use the phone to call someone! I had a curfew and could only go out on Weekends, and even then I had to tell them where and when and with who and had to be home by 12:30 if it was a Fri night or 2am if it was a Sat night.

I dont see how its an "excuse" to tell you I live under my parents roof and they wont let me/wont understand and be okay with (fill in suggestion here)

Yes I have moved out------but my moving out hasnt made those that I talk to any less busy. Or made them invite me out, or want to come out when I ask them to do things either.
Has it made it easier to go out? Sure, but now with the added responsibility of cleaning, cooking, laundry.....I use my spare time to do those things. So its not like I have a ton of spare time just waiting to be filled up with ways to meet people.

Plus to meet people that would require my going somewhere alone.....which just makes me feel pathetic. To go to a bar alone....or a coffee shop alone. Im fine talking to people...but mostly I feel like others would see me and just think what a loser, no wonder she is alone.

Pittgirl: When Im out with people, I tend not to pick up my cell phone unless I know there is an emergency (AKA my parents calling) or that someone needs directions somewhere. I find it rude when out with others and they just answer their cell no matter what.

I rarely talk about my probs with my BF as to not annoy people with it or think "here she goes again" if they ask how my weekend was I will tell them what I did but I dont go on and on about it and usually after 1 minute turn and ask them what THEY did for the weekend., or prior evening.

And the times that my BF has gotten pissed on the phone when I did pick it up, I would end the conversation, hang up the phone...and go back to my discussion with the people Im out with....like nothing happened. If they ask "was he upset" I say I guess. Shrug and drop it.

pisces2473

03-18-2004, 04:02 PM

But here you go again, making excuses: I have laundry to do, I feel pathetic, etc etc. If you wanted it badly enough, you'd do the laundry another day and suck up the patheticness. In the past, we've suggested taking a class, joining a gym, etc--you said they cost too much money. People aren't going to just jump out and say, "Hey! We want to be your friend." You have to go out and search. Work is not the place to make friends--everyone's looking out for #1 (themselves). You need to channel yourself in a different area. Try volunteering or something.

coll214

03-18-2004, 04:13 PM

Tank- What i can't help noticing is that you ask for advice, we give it, and then you get defensive about what everyone may say. We're just trying to give you advice from what we know/ have experienced or ideas for you to try!

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 04:13 PM

Ok I didnt realize that having no clean clothes constituted an excuse...I cant exactly walk into my office naked.

Im not saying I WOULDNT put it off.

Gyms do cost $$ and I dont like working out in them....again why pay for something I dont like and wont use??

Classes are fine but it would crouch into my work hours (which tend to be erratic, some nights I can leave at 5, others Im here until past 7 or even close to 10) so just because my class starts at 6 doesnt mean I get to leave work to make sure I get there in time.....
And again there is the $$ issue. I dont have spare $$ to pay for a class.

Im not looking for people to jump out of the woodwork here. But if I had ONE person to at least grab dinner/drinks with, then I would be out and about, and talking to others that were out and about as well, and thus making social connections.

YOU might not think work is a place to make friends....and yes people do look out for themselves....but like I have posed before I find it frustrating that the people I go to lunch with dont want to go out for drinks after work, or dont want to come and have dinner at my place no matter how often I ask them. Plus they never ask me to do anything with them.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 04:14 PM

Pisces to be BRUTALLY honest, since you got a BF you have become quite condescending.
You used to have insecurities, and issues about all this stuff. But since he has come into the picture you tend to be not as understanding and come off like you are on some high horse. Maybe you should reflect and think back to what it used to feel like before he came into the picture. Maybe you, like you used to tell others, have forgotten what it was like.

paperjam1015

03-18-2004, 04:16 PM

Ok, I said I was throwing in the towel, but I can't keep my mouth (or is it my fingers?) shut anymore....

Tank, really how many people doe it take to convince you that this relationship has gotten unhealthy? It's obviously taken a toll on you. It is emotionally exhausting to have to be around someone like your boyfriend.

You were telling us similar things about your parents before you moved out of the house. Do you feel better now that you are out? Has it made you a better person? I would wager that you'd say yes to both. Because it seemed as though that was an unhealthy situation. You were strong enough to make it better.
You need to find the strength to make this one better. You can't rely on him and let him control your life just because he is the only one in it.

Entertain yourself. Sometimes being alone is empowering. I know I've been there. Go do things alone that you want to do. It has made me a much stronger person. Join clubs/alumnae organizations/volunteer. You'll meet people. Have patience.

Don't be afraid of the unknown. The stability of an unhappy situation, isn't really worth it.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 04:17 PM

Coll whats hard is most of these things I have tried and have had no results from.
And yes you all make suggestions, and I simply tell you what my life is like.
I dont have a job where I can come in at 10 because I have flex hours, or get to leave at 5 just because that is what my paycheck is made for.....I work long hard hours.....and thus getting home at 6 or MUCH later at night doesnt leave time to take a class because most of the time I wouldnt be able to get away to even ge there (and to me thats a waste of $$ and the teachers time)

Plus when I get home (not that I HAVE to do this) Ill cook dinner.....and yeah sure Id go OUT for dinner but that would require having someone to GO with......

And just because someone suggests going to the gym doesnt mean thats right for me. I dont like working out infront of others, and I wouldnt feel comfy having someone come up to me or my go up to them while they are pounding it out on the tredmill. Plus with crazy work hours.....again most nights I wouldnt go and thus again not a good $$ choice.

pisces2473

03-18-2004, 04:18 PM

Tank...we keep trying to tell you these things...but you don't listen or give excuses to try and make yourself look in the right. No wonder people don't want to hang out with you--you're a know it all who can't take constructive criticism!!!

And about my BF--that has nothing to do with what we're telling you. I still have insecurities and issues--but I don't make up excuses...instead of facing your problems, you've turned them back on me to make yourself look spotless.

If you don't like what we have to say or don't want our advice, don't post here anymore.

paperjam1015

03-18-2004, 04:28 PM

I cant exactly walk into my office naked.

But that's a great way to meet people and make new friends. :D

Pisces to be BRUTALLY honest, since you got a BF you have become quite condescending.

Tank to be BRUTALLY honest, I think Pisces is being BRUTALLY honest.

You present an issue to us. We give advice, thoughts, comments, and you blow it off or find a reason that it won't work.

When was the last time you were happy in this relationship? We're trying to help because you sound miserable, but you keep giving us reasons that you want to stay in. Your relationship isn't working.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 04:30 PM

It has nothing to do with being in the "right". Just because YOU suggest something to help doesnt mean that its RIGHT for me to do it (gym as an example)

You dont know the first thing about me because I am just a screen name that types words on a board, you dont know how I come across because sadly when someone posts on these boards you read it how you THINK its being posted. So if you already have it in your head that "Im a know it all" then guess what when you read my responses that is how you are going to take them.
Just like if you think Im angry when I post, the words are going to sound harsher than if you thought I was crying as I type them.

I am much more brutally honest on here than I am when talking with people. Thats the wonder of POSTING and not dealing face to face. I dont tell people about this stuff or ask for advice from them. If someone here in my office suggested "hey you should join the gym!" I would reply "yeah that sounds like a good idea maybe Ill look into it"
So please dont get the idea that I walk around being negative to everyone.
Again why Im frustrated that people are not my friend....because I support them, bend to whatever they need and they do nothing back for me.

My pointing out your BF has to do with the fact that the nature of your responses and tone has become different since you gained a BF. Before you were very understanding of those who felt alone, or didnt have a BF. You would complain and complain and complain about how you had never had a relationship and all the insecurities. I talked with you NUMEROUS times about it, and supported you and told you how it would get better just give it time and things would fall into place. We were here to listen to you and not once did we tell you that you were making excuses, or tell you to just DO something.....which is what YOU are doing to ME right now.

The reason I post here is not just to get some quick answer to solve all my problems but talk them out. If someone has a suggestion I talk about it. Type my thoughts about it....because each time I respond that person gains a bit more understanding of who I am. Or why the gym isnt a viable option for me to meet people......or why taking a class doesnt exactly fit into my schedule since it isnt exactly routine.

TankgirlyC

03-18-2004, 04:39 PM

Ok the picture with cutie a guy I was dating did that for me. He turned out to be an ass.

As for the limo pic....those are not 2 friends, obviously one is me, one is my BF the other 2 are HIS brother and sister.

My Bday (as some might recall) we got a limo and I called my supposed friends (maybe 10 calls I put out) Not one single person wanted to come out in a free limo on a summer saturday night to celebrate. So it was my BF, his friends, and his sister and her friend....yet on his Bday it was his siblings and friends and a huge gathering.

What other things do I say on my website that make you think I have some glowing social life. Those "friends" I have listed were people I talked to in college and have since not seen. I just havent had time to update the page and delete those people and my shout outs to them.

BUT you are right that upon viewing that people probably dont believe I dont have a single friend in this world. Ive been told this in person to those I have told that I dont have any friends. They tell me how confident, fun and full of life I am and cant understand why people WOULDNT want to be around me. They tell me they think I must have been popular in high school and at all the parties in college. They tell me how likeable I am and how sad they are to find out that I am perpetually alone.

Does this then make them desire to hang out with me? Invite me along or go out when I ask them. Nope.

Radgirl

03-18-2004, 04:47 PM

Tank, I've got one word for you, RUN. RUN the other direction before you end up in a situation that you cannot get yourself out of. You see the red flag and you know something is gravely wrong or else you wouldn't be asking for advice/help. RUN and RUN NOW!

coll214

03-18-2004, 04:52 PM

Ok ok... i need to add one little thing since i HATE seeing ppl argue anywhere, over the phone, in person, on msg boards...

I think we just have to throw in the towel and agree to disagree... Tank- it seems pretty unanimous here on what everyone thinks of your situation as we see it on here; which is obviously not the whole picture.

Obviously, you can disagree w/ what EVERYONE has said, it's your decision to make... but it just comes across that you're absolutely miserable in your situation as it stands now yet are looking for ways to stay in it. We're only trying help!!

paperjam1015

03-18-2004, 05:10 PM

Ok so what you are saying is your approach to friendships/relationships isn't working. What if you stopped doing all those things. Just hung out w/ somebody and chatted. Think about yourself and what you want. Be selfish. It's ok. By the authority vested in me, by me, I hereby give you permission to be selfish. Think about your needs and meeting your needs only. No one will be happy hanging around you until you know how to make yourself happy.

dliepmanSUX

03-18-2004, 05:13 PM

alright, Alright, ALRIGHT!!! Enough of the bickering kids...sorry had to say something funny like that to clear the air:razz:

Everyone's opinions are very valid...unfortunately we cannot make the decisions for you Tanky...and if we could we would all be arguing about what decision each of us thinks is most appropriate...

I think that if there is any hope for resolve that you and your boyfriend need some counseling...you would do well with a third party involved to keep the waters calm while each person has the opportuntiy to express the difficulties they are experiencing...now to cut you off at the junction Tanky, many counselors offer a complimentary introductory session to see whether counseling is indeed appropriate...sort of an initial consultation...

sounds like you had rather controlling parents/home life...and even though you seemed to WANT to rebel against such control, you have gotten yourself into an interpersonal relationship (that is long distance nonetheless) where you are being controlled...break the cycle Tanky...it doesn't mean you have to end the relationship, but it would indeed involve CHANGE...

I am super lonely too...but I always have got myself...when nobody else cares (or seems to care) I know that I have got me to fall back on...I have my own two shoulders to cry on...I have my own two arms to pick me up and dust myself off with...to expect that from others is VERY DANGEROUS...you have to be able to rely on yourself...for survival, for fun, for nurturing, etc...its when you lose yourself (which I have experienced and am currently attempting recovery from) that you ought to be afraid...

look, I am sure that all of us are empathetic to your situation right now...unfortunately online communication is toneless and everyone's comments/responses carry with it whatever connotation we impose upon it...which can grow unpleasantly negative when we ourselves are carrying negative emotion regarding the issues being discussed...

I am NOT judging you...I am NOT judging your boyfriend...and I am certainly NOT judging the relationship you share...

In terms of doing stuff and flexible hours and friends, etc. Right now it seems like it HAS GOT TO BE ABOUT YOU...and that might require some more lonliness...but by feeling better about yourself and your situation you will likely attract others who feel similarly...you want someone to go grab a bite to eat with, here I am offering myself up to you as someone you are welcome to come have dinner with the next time you happen to be in the midwest...shit, I would drop you my number if it wouldn't get you into more trouble with your BF...not for anything more than just someone to intellectualize with (not entirely certain if that is kosher QLC behavior since I am relatively new here)...

there is not one 'right' way to figure this one out...and everyone else other than Tanky, we have no right to get defensive if she is hesitant about following our advice...only Tanky knows how Tanky's heart feels...I can only imagine how much she is hurting right now because of the lack of resolve she is experiencing...

Tanky...we are only trying to help you find empowerment such that you can create a more comfortable situation for yourself...

also, maybe think about picking up a book (half.com for cheap) about meditation...something you purposefully are supposed to do alone...something you can do in any spare moment, even while doing laundry...

"Again why Im frustrated that people are not my friend....because I support them, bend to whatever they need and they do nothing back for me."

I suffer from this same problem...maybe by bending you allow them to take without giving...you allow them to walk all over you...maybe they see that as a weakness...maybe they are so into taking they never consider giving...maybe they wish YOU would take some more so that they can experience the thrill of being the giver every once in a while...hmmm...things to think about...:)

and one last thing...if we ALL spent less time posting our thoughts on the QLC message boards we would all have tons of extra time to pursue all those things we seemingly never have time for:redface: