Its been a year......

[HDC80]

Most of you know the story of my ex

CLIFF NOTES: He moved in with me only to get into a huge blow out 2 days later and be breaks it off with me.
I spend days not eating, crying, destraught, and he's still LIVING with me.....and continued to do so for 6 almost 8 more weeks.

I find out he had been cheating BEFORE moving in.....kept hanging out with her, then moved out and into a place with her.....they got engaged....

Well....today is a YEAR since the big blow out. Im in a good place in life and Im happy...but the anxiety and weight on my chest from that day is back....
my plans this evening fell through, and the weekend looks to be shaky on plans....time alone this weekend would not be good.

Oh...and he gets married NEXT Sunday (though his sister will be in town and Ill be hanging out with her---we're friends and Im psyched to see her)----but its when he's getting married-----next weekend needs to not let me know my own name from Friday through Sunday.

Today is just not a good day.....
The Chemist left me (feels a bit similar to my ex leaving me)
and FF is great...but well usnure where that is going.

Reflecting over the last year....I dont feel that Ive gotten very far....and he's getting MARRIED....that should be ME.

FML

[vinsanity]

....and he's getting MARRIED....that should be ME.

FML

I don't want to sound too blunt, but that's not the right way to look at it. If you mean that it should be you getting married to your ex, then that would just mean that he'd be likely to cheat on you or whatever while you were married instead of before.

Maybe it would help if you looked at it like you left a problematic relationship before it could have gotten worse, and now he's someone else's problem.

[dreams82]

I think she meant that she should be getting married, not him? I know how you feel HDC, you feel like since he screwed you, why does he deserve to find happiness? Just think of yourself as lucky to be rid of him, and if he didn't do right by you, do you really think he will do right by this other chick? I don't know you, but can tell you that you were too good for him, he didn't deserve you! Just find some comfort in knowing that.

[HDC80]

Truely I dont want to be with him anymore. Im over that fact.

He and I had dinner (it actually went well) and she was insecure about his going the entire time. SHE has a ring on her finger...seriously? Just tells me that since they started based on his cheating, she'll probably never fully trust him.

Im pissed that he gets the entire kitten caboodle...and I dont....that is what I meant when I said it should be ME.
Where is my happiness, where is my story book ending? Im no where CLOSE to that...and frankly...dont think I ever will be.

[vinsanity]

I think she meant that she should be getting married, not him? I know how you feel HDC, you feel like since he screwed you, why does he deserve to find happiness? Just think of yourself as lucky to be rid of him, and if he didn't do right by you, do you really think he will do right by this other chick? I don't know you, but can tell you that you were too good for him, he didn't deserve you! Just find some comfort in knowing that.

I see what you mean, and I have to say I agree. Remember that marriage != "happily ever after". I'm not one to hope for failure, but maybe they're just making a big mistake.

HDC, you seem like a pretty cool chick. You and I both know you deserve your storybook ending, but I think you just have to be patient. Maybe it's just how guys are, but I've come to accept the possibility that I won't get a storybook ending, and that wouldn't be the worst thing that would happen to me. But if I do, then it will come at the right time.

[pawnstar3]

HDC - i'm surprised you were that distraught over the end of that relationship- you always struck me as someone who was very independent and didn't really need a guy to find happiness

[HDC80]

Vins: Thanks. I guess my reason for wanting the story book ending is because in my life most things have not worked out well for me. They typically have a crap ending, so for once Id really like to have the happy ending....and kinda feel like marriage is that last hope.

Pawn: I am independent, and am not dependent on a guy for happiness....but he was the first guy I took a HUGE vacation with, he was the first person that Id talked marriage seriously with, he was the first person my family had over MORE than once, he was the first person to be invited to family events (T-giving, my parents HUGE anniversary/wedding party)....
I felt jipped, and replaceable. He was the first person Id ever tried to live with, and he ruined that experience.

I thought we were forever, and we werent.

Through being with him, I always maintainted my own itnerests, hobbies, friends, and events....but I just felt so ripped apart.

[vinsanity]

It sounds lame and cliche, but experiences like this and the fact that you've faced other downfalls (especially relationship downfalls) will help you appreciate a lasting, yet passionate relationship when you have one.

I'm on the same boat as you, so I know how much it sucks going through multiple breakups. but those won't matter once you find the right person.

And I wouldn't look at marriage as a "last hope". It's supposed to be the beginning of a new life that's going to include a whole new set of issues to deal with between you and the husband.

[HDC80]

Thats IF I have one....I seem to get into long term realtionships that end anyway.....why even bother?

True they wont matter...but thats IF I find that person....and with how things go for me, Im finding it VERY doubtful that someone would love and care about me like I do about them and want to be with me for the rest of my life.

I dont look at marriage as a last hope...but everything else large in my life has gone pretty wrong, and off track.....I feel like its the last thing that I have that actually might work out okay......BUT thats the thing....I feel nowhere NEAR being with someone who will want to be like that with me....and even if they did, I have no idea what I would even do if they ever asked.

[vinsanity]

True they wont matter...but thats IF I find that person....and with how things go for me, Im finding it VERY doubtful that someone would love and care about me like I do about them and want to be with me for the rest of my life.

I feel the exact same way about myself. I've accepted the possibility that it will never happen for me, but if that's not something you accept to face, then the best (only) thing you can do is keep pursuing that goal with the right person. I personally would rather face loneliness than dozens of rejections, so I know how hard it is to keep going. You just have to keep the momentum going from when things get better.



....I feel nowhere NEAR being with someone who will want to be like that with me....and even if they did, I have no idea what I would even do if they ever asked

You'll know what to do when a relationship has developed to the point that someone asks you to spend your life with him.

[HDC80]

Im fine with rejections.....always have been, had to be....became used to it.

Just when I involve someone so deeply in my life, and care that much and give my all....frankly I expect something back in return....mainly that they will do the same for me....

When I put all that in and its still not enough I wonder what is wrong with me, why isnt it enough for that other person.
And typically Im getting little back, and dont ask for very much from others in the hopes that they wont feel that they have to do too much.....

and that last statement....I dont know what I would do....I probably wouldnt believe them and would have to think about it for a few days before giving an answer.....

[vinsanity]

Im fine with rejections.....always have been, had to be....became used to it.

Just when I involve someone so deeply in my life, and care that much and give my all....frankly I expect something back in return....mainly that they will do the same for me....

When I put all that in and its still not enough I wonder what is wrong with me, why isnt it enough for that other person.
And typically Im getting little back, and dont ask for very much from others in the hopes that they wont feel that they have to do too much.....

and that last statement....I dont know what I would do....I probably wouldnt believe them and would have to think about it for a few days before giving an answer.....

I'm familiar with that kind of one-sidedness also. It's what's made me play my cards close to my chest, and why people advise others to go for an aloof and "mysterious" vibe.

It's heartbreaking to see it happen to someone because the other person doesn't deserve the effort and gestures that you're putting into the relationship, so as sad as it is to suggest, maybe you should consider easing back on the emotional investment you're putting into your relationships. Although I think that you and I are both of the believe that you should let the other person know what's on your heart and mind, the sad reality is that people take things like that for granted. They should realize that they have something special in you, but that gets lost once they get used to it.

[pawnstar3]

HDC - in some ways it's better when a siginificant other dumps you or does something so awful because it helps you to get over them - for me, it's been tougher getting over my ex because i was the one who broke up with her and it's not like she cheated or anything - in some ways i wish she dumped me lol

[HDC80]

I dont do aloof or mysterious. I am who I am, Im not going to pretend or hold back...if you dont like it....well then you're not the right person for me.

It takes time to open up, but Ill always be warm hearted, my friends tell me its what they like best about me....that Im so caring, and so warm and always making sure they're taken care of (call when they're sick, drop by soup, ask how their interview or big meeting went, remember anniversaries...birthdays.....and do sweet things for them)

Dont see the reason to ease back...this is who I am. Holding back isnt giving that person the true view of the person that I am. If they take it for granted....or leave....its their loss. Though it hurts me....I know that cognitively its their loss....but it still does hurt.

Call me foolish, call me stupid.....but I wont give up being the warm person I am no matter how many times I have to pick myself up. I would have been jaded by the time I was 8 if I followed that school of thought...and I hope I never give up being warm, because I truely believe if I do, then I have personally given up trying.

[DaneCA]

Not to argue with you guys, Vin and HDC, because I can totally relate, but I’m pretty sure all people who don’t really want to be single feel this way sometimes. It doesn’t make it true, though.

After having read quite a few threads on here, I’ve noticed certain similarities between a lot of the posters, and I’m wondering if some of these commonalities make us doubt ourselves even more than the average girl or guy. I’m often impressed by how astute and analytical the posters here are, and also amazed by how much pressure we put on ourselves. I think this need to be (almost) perfect plays into our inability to create lasting relationships to a certain extent, because we expect so much from ourselves and from our partners as well. And because we’re smart and analytical, we put a lot more thought into “Is this right?” than the average person might. If you don’t overanalyze the way we do, you won’t doubt your life and your choices nearly as much, and you’re content to settle into something that maybe isn’t totally right, including a relationship.

I don’t know if that makes sense at all. But I know that when I get down on myself and wonder if I’ll ever find a great guy and have a happy, successful life and kids, I remind myself of all the horrible, selfish, unappealing people who manage to find a life like that, and I realize there’s hope for me yet.

[HDC80]

I think you're onto something.

Im HUGELY analytical.....self proclaimed and while I wish I could jsut kick back and be....its just not who I am....Im always asking WHY, WHAT, HOW....and figuring people out.

I think what is depressing is that assholes and bitches and selfish people and jerks and idiots.....they're able to find someone....yet smart, attractive, hard working, kind people ARENT......it makes NO sense.

[DaneCA]

I think you're onto something.

Im HUGELY analytical.....self proclaimed and while I wish I could jsut kick back and be....its just not who I am....Im always asking WHY, WHAT, HOW....and figuring people out.

I think what is depressing is that assholes and bitches and selfish people and jerks and idiots.....they're able to find someone....yet smart, attractive, hard working, kind people ARENT......it makes NO sense.

I think part of that is luck, and part of it is that their expectations just aren't as high as ours. We are smart, attractive, hard-working, kind people, and we know that we deserve someone who's just as wonderful. It may take us longer to find that person, but I'm pretty confident we will eventually.

[HDC80]

Seems some are just terrible people and yet they have someone who loves them SOOOOOOOO much they want to spend the rest of their lives with that terrible person.

It makes NO sense.....I strive to be selfless, caring, kind, intelligent, funny, outgoing, personable, etc etc etc all the things that are supposed to make you a good partner....yet I get left....over and over and over and over....

It doesnt make sense, it makes me really despise the universe

[vinsanity]

I dont do aloof or mysterious. I am who I am, Im not going to pretend or hold back...if you dont like it....well then you're not the right person for me.

It takes time to open up, but Ill always be warm hearted, my friends tell me its what they like best about me....that Im so caring, and so warm and always making sure they're taken care of (call when they're sick, drop by soup, ask how their interview or big meeting went, remember anniversaries...birthdays.....and do sweet things for them)

Dont see the reason to ease back...this is who I am. Holding back isnt giving that person the true view of the person that I am. If they take it for granted....or leave....its their loss. Though it hurts me....I know that cognitively its their loss....but it still does hurt.

Call me foolish, call me stupid.....but I wont give up being the warm person I am no matter how many times I have to pick myself up. I would have been jaded by the time I was 8 if I followed that school of thought...and I hope I never give up being warm, because I truely believe if I do, then I have personally given up trying.

This is what makes the despair so heartbreaking. This is what I mean when I say some people are "too nice" because they end up getting mistreated, and the kindness within that person dies as a result.

I'm pulling for you to find happiness, of course, because again you deserve it, but you also have to learn from your past mistakes, and turn those awful experiences into lessons for the future.

[vinsanity]

I think part of that is luck, and part of it is that their expectations just aren't as high as ours. We are smart, attractive, hard-working, kind people, and we know that we deserve someone who's just as wonderful. It may take us longer to find that person, but I'm pretty confident we will eventually.

I think maybe their standards just aren't as high as ours (I don't know if that's what you meant by expectations), but not really in the cosmetic sense.

I think that alot of people get married for reasons similar to the idea that they don't think they can find anyone else who can accept them for who they are, so they kind of "settle" for whoever becomes most familiar to/with them. Is that the same as what you meant?

[DaneCA]

I think that alot of people get married for reasons similar to the idea that they don't think they can find anyone else who can accept them for who they are, so they kind of "settle" for whoever becomes most familiar to/with them. Is that the same as what you meant?

Yes, that's exactly what I meant! Thanks for clarifying; I was having a hard time explaining.

[Hoping4TheSun]

Seems some are just terrible people and yet they have someone who loves them SOOOOOOOO much they want to spend the rest of their lives with that terrible person.

It makes NO sense.....I strive to be selfless, caring, kind, intelligent, funny, outgoing, personable, etc etc etc all the things that are supposed to make you a good partner....yet I get left....over and over and over and over....

It doesnt make sense, it makes me really despise the universe

I completely agree with you on that. I feel the same exact way. I bend over backwards for people and it always ends up being for nothing. I have an ex that knows I'll be there for him for anything and so he manages to call me if he needs something, but can't ever call me to just hang out. We've both moved on and he knows I don't want anything more than friendship from him so I just don't get it. People tell me to stop being there for him and just let the "friendship" go, but for some reason I can't ever stop trying with people.

[wordsmith]

Is there any concrete reason that you couldn't have the things you want (or the things you envy your ex for having)? Is there anything in your behavior that prevents you from achieving those things?

[HDC80]

I dont think there is any concrete reason...unless people treat me as they do because they see me as a doormat, or are jealous of what my life is like...

But otherwise, Im kind, considerate, inclusive, caring, selfless......and try to be the best person to all that I know...only I rarely get the same in return. No idea why people take advantage, or why they dont reciprocate....

[vinsanity]

People take advantage because they can. If you just take their shit without raising any objections, then they will assume you're ok with them giving you shit.

[HDC80]

I typically dont just take sh*t......but also seems that when I do stand up for myself, the person with whom I have the issue, tells me to shove it and gives no mind.....or gets angry with me for having an issue.

[wordsmith]

Do you gravitate toward a specific type of person, do you think? A type more likely to treat you a particular way, or to go on and be belligerent or disrespectful of your boundaries when you do stand up for yourself? It might be worth it to be more careful about the type of person you let occupy space in your life. Maybe people a bit more easygoing would make better friends for you.

[HDC80]

I have a very wide variety of people in my life......ones that fit into the many categories that make me who I am.....different circles all over...artsy friends, corporate friends, laid back friends, planners, intellectuals, funny peeps, etc etc etc etc.

Just have found that pretty much everyone I encounter has issue when I stand up for myself....or when I can do something that they want/need...though Ill do just about anything to accomodate (offer other arrangements, alternate dates etc)

Easy going people actually tend to drive me crazy......maybe's or I dont knows make me batty...solid yes or no answers.....and dont just let me tell you whats up...participate and ask me too.

[vinsanity]

Maybe you just attract guys who are self-absorbed because you enable that kind of behavior?

Or maybe it's just another bad boys vs. nice guys issue...

[pawnstar3]

Maybe you just attract guys who are self-absorbed because you enable that kind of behavior?

Or maybe it's just another bad boys vs. nice guys issue...

I think you hit the nail on the head- these guys don't exactly sound like great guys to date, aka "nice guys" - any normal, nice person wouldn't have a problem with their partner sticking up for themselves, assuming you're doing it in a respectful fashion

I think the other problem is that a good amount of girls let their bf's treat them like shit so guys are used to walking all over women- when they encounter a women who's not like that, they don't want to deal with it

[HDC80]

Also seems that men think that they want a strong woman, yet when they get one....they get angry due to her standing up for herself or being independent.

[wordsmith]

You have an interesting definition of what it is to be easygoing.

[HDC80]

What do you define as easy going?

To me its someone who doesnt really care what they do or whose around...if they have plans or dont.....never really commit to plans....

[wordsmith]

What do you define as easy going?

-Calm
-agreeable
-undemanding
-non-combative/non-argumentative
-adaptable to various personalities and scenarios
-generally has a good time with a variety of people in a variety of settings
-low drama factor
-prefers not to get in people's faces
-flexible
-not likely to push agendas
-easily rolls with changes
-doesn't need to be the center of attention

...etc.

[vinsanity]

I think in this context, easygoing would be more like someone who would let go of an argument or issue if they don't feel it's worth it, and is open to hear ideas from others.

At least that's what I think.

[wordsmith]

I think in this context, easygoing would be more like someone who would let go of an argument or issue if they don't feel it's worth it, and is open to hear ideas from others.

At least that's what I think.

This is my thought. Someone who will not feel the need to get in your face when you assert your rights, and likely somebody with whom you will not even find yourself in the position of having to assert your rights in the first place, because they're respectful of where you stand to begin with.

[pawnstar3]

I'm not even sure what everyone is trying to get at here - seems a bit off topic now - going back to the original post though it's definitely crushing when you break up with someone you care about, esp if they let you down or did something wrong - the problems i find on the dating scene now are:

1. hard to meet single people now (not as easy like in school,etc)
2. both men and women play games and don't know what it's like to be in a normal relationship
3. cheating (which sort of goes along with the above)
4. too much independence - it's great when people are independent but when both parties have that type of lifestyle, it almost becomes an excuse for not getting too attached to someone

[wordsmith]

I'm not even sure what everyone is trying to get at here

Just that when you start to see patterns of people treating you a certain way (in this case, walking all over you and and reacting negatively or harshly when you stand up for yourself) one approach is to look at possible reasons why you're continually finding yourself in these types of situations and continually involving yourself with these types of people.

[KCboy]

What do you define as easy going?

To me its someone who doesnt really care what they do or whose around...if they have plans or dont.....never really commit to plans....

never committing to plans strikes me as more flakey than easygoing.

I was talking to a female friend of mine, and she said that men have a problem with her attitude towards planning. She always feels that she can improvise everything and it will turn out okay. Meanwhile, guys she has tried to date get tired of this attitude quickly, because it makes her unreliable and adds unnecessary stress to a lot of situations.

[KCboy]

Incidentally, she also mentioned that she has noticed she always falls for men that are very critical of her – she likes “smart” men, and as it turns out these smart men are detailed, thorough, deliberate, and therefore very particular, anal.

I guess she likes organized, regimented people, because that’s something she lacks, but those regimented people can’t deal with her “fly by the seat of my pants and everything will turn out okay” attitude.

[wordsmith]

never committing to plans strikes me as more flakey than easygoing.

I agree.

[DaneCA]

never committing to plans strikes me as more flakey than easygoing.

I agree. I hate it when people do this; it makes it seem like they're waiting to see if something better comes along before making plans with me.

I was talking to a female friend of mine, and she said that men have a problem with her attitude towards planning. She always feels that she can improvise everything and it will turn out okay. Meanwhile, guys she has tried to date get tired of this attitude quickly, because it makes her unreliable and adds unnecessary stress to a lot of situations.

At the risk of sounding totally sexist, I would say that this is typically more common in guys than girls. I'm totally the opposite of your friend and I prefer to plan everything in advance, and so do many of my girlfriends (but maybe we're just anal like that?). Guys have complained about my lack of spontaneity in the past. I also think that when I'm just starting to date a guy, I really like it if he schedules plans with me a few days in advance. It shows forethought and that he isn't waiting to see if something better comes along before setting a date with me; he's looking forward to it and will turn down another invitation if there is one.