About my ex-girlfriend-new update at the bottom [Archive]

pawnstar3

07-10-2009, 10:24 AM

Some of you may have read about this already so you can skip to the last paragraph - for anyone else, please read this backstory

I broke up with my GF a year ago after dating for 1.5 years(im 27 now and shes 30) mainly because my mom was going through chemotherapy at the time and my GF wasn’t too understanding of the fact that I wouldn’t be able to see her as much and that I needed my space- i told her i couldn't really visit her for a while since we lived 45 min apart and i wanted to be home while my mom was going through her treatments- so i asked her if she would be willing to see me when she could –we wound up going on a break and she came to see me twice in 2 months and then she gave me an ultimatum on whether or not i wanted to marry her – so I stopped calling her and a few months passed- she only texted me once to ask me how my mom was doing but it was like a month after we stopped speaking- i finally contacted her last month and took her to dinner to talk about things - it turns out that she's been dating and hooking up with a bunch of guys supposedly –this doesn’t sound like a girl who wants to get married - for some reason, i still think about her (probably because I haven’t dated anyone else since her) but most people i talk to tell me i need to move on and she's not worth it - what do you think? Was she wrong in what she did? Does she deserve another chance or is it better to move on? Do I need to date someone new before knowing how I truly feel?

I broke up with my ex-gf in January 2008 and we totally stopped seeing each other in March of that year (I’m 27 now and she’s 30). There were a number of reasons for the break-up including: 1)my mom was going through chemo and I needed some space to think about things in my life and my ex got tired of the break I initiated and gave me a marriage ultimatum – she only texted me once after that to ask how my mom was doing, 2)her father towards the end started to dislike me even though I treated her great, 3)she was obsessed with her career, to the point where it caused problems with our relationship etc.

She spent this last year and a half or so dating and hooking up with lots of guys, even though she wanted to marry me and gave me an ultimatum to marry her after 1.5 years of dating while we were on our break and I was dealing with my mom’s illness. Meanwhile, i only went on a couple of bad dates with 2 girls. My ex has always been a serial dater, but it bothers me that she hooked up that many people after our breakup. I spoke to her a few months ago on the phone to see if we could talk about things and possibly get back together, despite the advice of others to never contact her again. She told me that she would possibly date me again, but she still wants to date other guys even though I told her I don’t want that. And she also said she wouldn’t sleep with me until she “felt ready” since we wouldn’t be official. So I turned her down immediately saying that it’s ridiculous that she’s being intimate with other guys but doesn’t wanna sleep with me when in fact we slept together for a year and a half and I loved her, whereas these guys use her and dump her. Then I texted her again in February of this year after not speaking to her for a few months and I asked her how she was doing- she wrote a few things and at the end she said hope all is well with you and your family but didn’t ask me how I was doing or anything to keep the conversation going

I finally decided to contact her again yesterday and ask her about things and she was a lot friendlier in the texts and even told me that her brother had a baby with his wife and she showed me the picture- I asked her if I could call her to catch up and she said sure – she’s going on a family reunion vacation and shes coming back late Monday – I asked if I could call her on Tuesday and she said yea but she may be in the city with a friend (which very well could be a guy she’s seeing or something) but that she would call me back if she wasn’t available – I guess there are a number of things running through my head- I still have strong feelings for her – I’m just trying to figure out if I wanna just keep things friendly or try again to see if she would date me exclusively –– to top it all of, neither one of our families wants to see us with the other person- I also haven’t dated around much or slept with anyone since we broke up so I haven’t really tested my feelings for her per se - is this girl worth it based on what I’ve mentioned here? Do u think she’s still interested in me? How would you analyze her behavior post-breakup? What do you think she’s thinking now that I told her I would call her?- sorry this is so long – it’s just been on my mind so much and I’m really confused

winneythepooh7

07-10-2009, 10:28 AM

Honestly, it sounds like a train-wreck waiting to happen. I've read your responses to others in similar situations over the past few days on here.........and they seem to portray the complete opposite of what you are looking to do for yourself.

KCboy

07-10-2009, 10:28 AM

she has moved on. you should too.

pawnstar3

07-10-2009, 10:57 AM

The biggest problem for me has been my inability to find anyone new - this has led me to miss the good aspects of my relationship with my ex- i always blame myself to an extent for breaking up with her- it's just a really messy situation now and i just feel uncertain about how to proceed- i really don't think we have a future together to be totally honest - it's just hard to totally move on when a) you haven;t found someone new and b) you initiated the break

When someone cheats on you or breaks up with you, your bitterness is what helps you move on - those are things that would've made me get over her immediately - but since i havent found anyone new and i was the one who ended it, i guess that regret is always there to an extent

pepsi91307

07-10-2009, 12:18 PM

she has moved on. you should too.

Agreed.

Not saying its not very hard to do, just sounds to me that it really may be in your best intersted to move on.

Good luck

KCboy

07-10-2009, 12:37 PM

You ended it for a reason. A good one. And she didn’t exactly chase after you when you did. Then she acted like a bitch when you mentioned something about resuming a romance.

People who care about you don’t act the way she did.

Of all the reasons to be in a relationship with someone, “not having any other option right now” would easily rank at the top of the list.

KCboy

07-10-2009, 12:40 PM

And IMO, the only reason she is acting more civil towards you now is because she has COMPLETELY moved on. She has no romantic feelings left. Hell, its been, what, over a year?

The only thing she sees is a possible friendship. (and BTW, if you pursue that while you still have feelings for her, it will end messier than the first go-round).

KCboy

07-10-2009, 12:44 PM

I tried to contact an ex after several months when I was younger. Every couple of weeks or months I would send a text asking how she was doing. Nothing big, I honestly wanted a friendship, and was kind of testing to see if she was ready for that.

The only response I got, after about a year, was from her new boyfriend, telling me to leave her alone and my actions were embarrassing. It rattled me pretty good, but in hindsight it was one of the best things to happen to me. Since then I’ve learned to let things go.

winneythepooh7

07-10-2009, 01:00 PM

I agree with the others. What would you tell someone else who was doing the same things as you are doing?

pawnstar3

07-10-2009, 01:25 PM

I get what you're all saying and i totally agree with it for the most part- i guess my main question now is: ever since our breakup, has she been acting this way because she is truly over me or because she's just bitter towards me and afraid to get hurt again?

I do feel like even if she was bitter, she would put that aside and give me a real chance when i asked for it about 8 months ago - that's just me though

winneythepooh7

07-10-2009, 02:10 PM

pawnstar3

07-10-2009, 03:04 PM

It really does not sound like she's afraid of getting hurt again by you. As someone already mentioned, she doesn't sound that into you. To be honest, it sounds to me like she's one of those people who is into whoever she happens to be with at the moment. Why keep getting caught up in a cycle with someone who you have to ask the advice of strangers on what her actions might mean?

If it were worth getting back with her, you wouldn't have to question anything about it, you'd just know it was worthwhile to pursue.

Since this was my first serious gf, all of this stuff was new for me so i tried to seek out advice from different sources- one thing i notice (and as you pointed out i'm guilty of this to a degree as well) is that people always like to give advice about relationships and how you shouldn't put up with things, etc. and when it comes to their own relationships or love lives, they always defend why they're putting up with someone's nonsense

But like I said, as ridiculous as she may have been, i was the one who broke up with her and it's not like she cheated or anything - that's why i've questioned my decision- if she cheated i never would have spoken to her agian- i do think she would be hesistant to get involved again partly to avoid getting hurt (she even alluded to that last november) - but i also think if she loved me she would be willing to take that chance again, esp since she wasn't finding any worthwhile guys - so the fact that she wasn't was sort of a telltale sign that she was over me

Someone told me that after a breakup, things can never go back to what they were - and to a degree i agree with that - it's like once something is broken it cant be fixed- once i broke up with her there was no going back- but i blame her for a lot of why it ended and her actions after the fact weren't very supportive at all, esp since she supposedly wanted to marry me

ebrillblaiddes

07-10-2009, 03:15 PM

Whoa, reality check. She couldn't handle giving you some space so you could help your mom fight cancer. The lack of ability to handle real life is not a good trait for a possible long-term partner.

Rage

07-10-2009, 04:11 PM

Sounds to me like you're going to do what you're going to do ...

Sometimes it's easier to go back to what we knew than to move forward. I think this is what you are doing. Sometimes that works out, but in this case, I really can't imagine you coming out on top here.

I predict you pursuing this and her ultimately being a bitch, hurting you, or letting you down. Any scenario will cause you to hate her and find closure.

Good luck.

pawnstar3

07-15-2009, 08:55 AM

So here's the latest update - i called her on the phone last night and we spoke for over an hour - it was a very friendly/casual conversation - no arguments whatsoever- it was mostly exchaning pleasantries/getting updates on each other's lives- i asked her about her dating life and she's still seeing a bunch of guys but nothing serious- at the end of the convo we both said it was good to hear from each other and that if you ever need to talk, etc you can always call - it was kind of a weird ending - so about an hour later i decided to text her and ask her if she wanted to hang out soon- she said sure and suggested a restaurant by my house that she used to like - i'm supposed to see her one night later this week - the thing is that i don't know if she's still viewing this whole thing on friendly terms or if she knows i'm considering the possiblity of dating her again - furthermore, i don't even know what i want anymore - part of me wants to date her again and part of me doesn't - i'm just very confused and she prob is too now - i guess it all rests on the dinner

pawnstar3

07-15-2009, 03:50 PM

Oh and please give any advice you feel may be worthy for this dinner - i'd really appreciate it

KCboy

07-15-2009, 05:51 PM

Oh and please give any advice you feel may be worthy for this dinner - i'd really appreciate it

don't go.

bamagal2384

07-15-2009, 07:23 PM

Rage and KCboy are right on. This is not going to end well.

I hope I'm wrong and things work out for you, but I really don't think you should go. There is nothing to be gained from this. I have gone the ex route before. There are reasons why you didn't end up together in the first place and after awhile they are going to rear their ugly heads again.

I really hope that you'll be able to move on after all this. I do agree that breakups are harder to recover from when you don't have any prospects and when you're the one that initiates the break up. Your ex really has all the power right now because she knows that since you're calling and texting her you at the very least regret it, and possibly want to get back with her.

I broke up with a guy after a serious relationship and he moved on much faster than I did. I would email him every couple of months or so and never heard a thing in response. He didn't even want to be my friend. That was a hard pill to swallow.

After about a year I stopped all contact and that is the best decision I ever made. It's much easier to move on when you stop thinking of them as a possibility. There are other potential partners out there. You'll run into dating dry spells and dating itself can be very frustrating and difficult, but you owe it to yourself to get back out there and find someone who wants to be with you.

Either way. Good luck and I wish you the best.

pawnstar3

07-15-2009, 07:50 PM

hoodie

07-15-2009, 09:20 PM

One thing I learned in my last breakup was just because someone is willing to get together with you one on one, hang out with you, or talk to you doesn't mean they want to date you again.

I hope for your case you get what you want, whatever it may be (probably my first piece of advice for you for this dinner - figure out what you want from this girl), but jumping to conclusions leads to disappointment generally.

ebrillblaiddes

07-15-2009, 09:37 PM

I'm going to say to this what I said to another friend who wanted to date someone, then decided he didn't want to date them, then decided that he wanted to date them after all. You decided it was a bad match, so what's changed?

KCboy

07-15-2009, 10:07 PM

a girl like that certainly doesn't sound like relationship material so consider yourself lucky that she didn't wanna pursue anything further with you - i also would never bother with her again after that, even on a friend level
.....

pawnstar3

07-16-2009, 08:59 AM

KCboy- i can totally understand why you would think i should follow my own advice that i've given to Blue in the other thread - It's always so much easier (and i'm obviously guilty of this myself) to give advice to others esp on relationships than it is to follow that advice for yourself - having said that, however, the situation with Blue was different than mine for a number of reasons but the main being that i had a long term relationship with my ex and she wanted to be with me (at least before i broke up with her, not sure about now) whereas the girl with Blue clearly didn't want to be with him since she told him that directly and it was just a one night stand

Also, since i know my ex i'm aware of the good qualities as well which i havent really listed here- i also still have feelings for her and unfortunately feelings get in the way of practical decisions sometimes

I honestly don't know if she's gonna be open to possibly dating again and if the dinner doesnt go well i prob won't even bring it up - but even if we did ever start seeing each other again there's a very good chance it wouldn't last more than a few dates

Another thing that's bothering me is that since she's a serial dater and is dating a few guys at once, i don't know if i could ever trust her - at this point, i just want to go to this dinner and see what happens- i don't have too many expectations though - since our breakup, she always finds new ways to upset or confuse me - let's see if that's still the case - it's been a year since i've seen her so theres a very good chance i may feel nothing for her upon seeing her

bamagal2384

07-16-2009, 11:44 AM

This commentary was really good, but i do have one question for you - what if your ex did respond and was open to seeing you??? - you may have gone down the same route then as i have-

The point is that my ex seems to be at least somewhat open to maybe the idea of dating again - i really don't know - the dinner is set for fri night so i'm just gonna go through with it and see what happens - it's just a very difficult situation

Well I actually tried to edit my post to include a tidbit on an ex I've been involved with recently, but it didn't post so I just left it out. Since you've asked...

For the last 8 months I've been involved with an ex from 6 years ago. Now we weren't ever in a serious long-term relationship like you and your ex, but he's still an ex. The first couple of months after we started seeing each other again were great. We hit it off and just couldn't believe we hadn't kept in touch. After the honeymoon period ended, some of the old habits/issues that drove us apart to begin with began resurfacing. Now our "relationship" has dwindled to just FWB, and even that has its issues. It's not going to last much longer, I'm pretty just riding it out.

I think after a breakup we tend to romanticize people and relationships. We remember the good a lot more than we remember the bad. I'll go back to the ex I talked about in my original response-the one I had the 3 year relationship with. If he had been open to reconciling I probably would have, at the time. Now I know better. It would have been a mistake. There were just too many hurt feelings/issues from the first time around, and I believe they would have made the second time hell. You can forgive, but it's pretty hard to forget. She will always resent you on some level for breaking up with her, and you will probably resent her for some of the things she did leading up to the breakup.

I also can assure you that after I broke up with the guy I was a basket- case. I was not dating multiple guys at the same time. I was so crushed over him that it took me a year before I even started dating again. I was parked on the couch in sweats watching TV on the weekends. I just wasn't interested in other guys. I know everybody's different, but that makes me question her feelings toward you.

winneythepooh7

07-16-2009, 11:53 AM

Tayl405

07-16-2009, 12:00 PM

I think anyone will come up with a bunch of reasons to "justify" staying with someone or chasing after someone who probably is not interested in them in return, if they are horribly desperate and not confident enough in themselves to be alone.

I agree, but sometimes I think people need to find things out for themselves.

Pawn - if you don't go to to dinner with her, will it leave questions in your mind about what could have happened? Could dinner at least be closure?

I think that as long as you don't have any expectations about dinner (and it's probably not a good idea to bring up getting back together), if it will put your mind at ease, then go. But if you think it will put you in a worse spot and you'll be starting from scratch, maybe don't go.

When are you going to dinner?

pawnstar3

07-16-2009, 01:00 PM

I agree, but sometimes I think people need to find things out for themselves.

Pawn - if you don't go to to dinner with her, will it leave questions in your mind about what could have happened? Could dinner at least be closure?

I think that as long as you don't have any expectations about dinner (and it's probably not a good idea to bring up getting back together), if it will put your mind at ease, then go. But if you think it will put you in a worse spot and you'll be starting from scratch, maybe don't go.

When are you going to dinner?

Dinner is Friday night - it's at a restaurant that she used to really like by my house and i go there very often with family and friends so i know a lot of the waiters - i really don't want to have a convo about getting back together in a place like that where these people can listen - if anything, it may briefly come up at dinner, but i may ask her to talk in my car (or her car) after dinner so that we can have a private convo

The way I look at it is this: this is gonna be my LAST attempt at trying to potentially dating her again

Let me ask you this: do you think she knows what my intentions are or does she just think this is a "friendly" dinner?

pawnstar3

07-16-2009, 01:03 PM

Well I actually tried to edit my post to include a tidbit on an ex I've been involved with recently, but it didn't post so I just left it out. Since you've asked...

For the last 8 months I've been involved with an ex from 6 years ago. Now we weren't ever in a serious long-term relationship like you and your ex, but he's still an ex. The first couple of months after we started seeing each other again were great. We hit it off and just couldn't believe we hadn't kept in touch. After the honeymoon period ended, some of the old habits/issues that drove us apart to begin with began resurfacing. Now our "relationship" has dwindled to just FWB, and even that has its issues. It's not going to last much longer, I'm pretty just riding it out.

I think after a breakup we tend to romanticize people and relationships. We remember the good a lot more than we remember the bad. I'll go back to the ex I talked about in my original response-the one I had the 3 year relationship with. If he had been open to reconciling I probably would have, at the time. Now I know better. It would have been a mistake. There were just too many hurt feelings/issues from the first time around, and I believe they would have made the second time hell. You can forgive, but it's pretty hard to forget. She will always resent you on some level for breaking up with her, and you will probably resent her for some of the things she did leading up to the breakup.

I also can assure you that after I broke up with the guy I was a basket- case. I was not dating multiple guys at the same time. I was so crushed over him that it took me a year before I even started dating again. I was parked on the couch in sweats watching TV on the weekends. I just wasn't interested in other guys. I know everybody's different, but that makes me question her feelings toward you.

Like Tayl said, sometimes you have to do things on your own to figure them out- obviously you took this route as well

As far as her dating multiple guys after me, she's always been a serial dater - and i think dating around was her way of coping with getting dumped- some ppl choose this route and others choose yours- her route obviously upset may greater and has also made me question her feelings - because she dates so many guys though i think its easier for her to move on

I just hate that even now there are guys in the picture and it's hard for me to trust her even if we were gonna get involved again

Tayl405

07-16-2009, 01:26 PM

I think she probably thinks it could come up. But it's hard to say without knowing her. Does it matter?

KCboy

07-16-2009, 01:52 PM

Let me ask you this: do you think she knows what my intentions are or does she just think this is a "friendly" dinner?

Hard to tell, IMO. From past discussions, it sounds like you’ve brought up getting back together a few times before, but she was never very receptive.

I would mention something ASAP. No reason to act friendly for a while, get yourself back into her life, only to find out her intentions were different than yours.

KCboy

07-16-2009, 01:54 PM

i think dating around was her way of coping with getting dumped- some ppl choose this route and others choose yours- her

agreed. what's the expression - "the best way to get over a girl (or guy) is to get on top of another one"

pawnstar3

07-16-2009, 02:15 PM

Hard to tell, IMO. From past discussions, it sounds like you’ve brought up getting back together a few times before, but she was never very receptive.

I would mention something ASAP. No reason to act friendly for a while, get yourself back into her life, only to find out her intentions were different than yours.

Exactly -i've already decided that i want either all or nothing- there's no point in a friendship - it would be too hard and i don't want that anyway - so this is gonna be my last attempt at seeing if there is potential there and if i lay it all out there and she isnt receptive then i'll know its 100% over- otherwise, maybe we would see if there's anything left there - at this point, i'm just very curious and can't wait to get to this dinner already

DaneCA

07-16-2009, 02:31 PM

agreed. what's the expression - "the best way to get over a girl (or guy) is to get on top of another one"

Ha, I think for girls, it's "The best way to get over a guy is to get under another one."

Anyway, maybe she did use dating around as a method of coping. But if she's dating multiple guys, she may want to continue to do so, even after seeing you and perhaps rekindling the relationship. If you can't accept that, you should be very careful about getting involved with her again.

I can't say if she's considering getting back with you, or whether she's just looking to catch up and remain on friendly but platonic terms, but I would recommend being confident of what YOU want before you see her. Speaking from personal experience, it's really easy to fall back into a bad relationship, even if you're 90% sure you don't want to be with that person, only because feelings often come rushing back once you're face to face. That's why I don't usually advise seeing an ex unless you know it's on a purely friendly basis, but that's just me.

Does this girl have an redeeming qualities? You don't seem to have anything positive to say about her. Why would you want to be with a person like that? Again, speaking from personal experience, getting back with an ex just because you're lonely is a BAD idea.

bamagal2384

07-16-2009, 02:54 PM

pawnstar3

07-16-2009, 02:57 PM

Does this girl have an redeeming qualities? You don't seem to have anything positive to say about her. Why would you want to be with a person like that? Again, speaking from personal experience, getting back with an ex just because you're lonely is a BAD idea.

Well for one, i spent a year and a half loving her and i know if i saw her again those feelings would re-surface to some degree at least - in terms of her redeeming qualities:

-she has a good career (although that also contributes to the negatives)
-her lifestyle gels well with mine since she's over the party scene
-we used to spend all our free time together since we're not as big into friends as other people our age seem to be
-she doesn't smoke, has no pets (all pluses for me)
-as far as i know she didnt cheat when we were together
-she used to get along fairly well with my family before things turned sour

I mean it seems weird to list pros and cons of a person - the cons def sound worse than the pros sound good- it's more of an intangible thing than it is about weighing pros and cons- at least for me, thats how i look at it

My biggest fear at this point is that she truly is 100% over me and she's looking at this dinner like a friend thing

I also fear that even if we ever dated again (which almost seems unlikely at this point) breaking up again would be awful

And I'm also still uncertain if this is what i really want - but the only way to know i think is by possibly trying again or at least going to this dinner and seeing what happens face to face

pawnstar3

07-16-2009, 03:02 PM

You're right I did have to find out for myself, as will you. Who knows what will happen, but at least you know you have a whole forum of folks here to listen no matter what. If you decide to get back together with her you need to bring up your concerns/feelings about her dating multiple guys at the beginning instead of letting them build up until you freak out over something small.

I mean you are broken up and she has the right to date as many people as she wants but I can definitely see where that would be an underlying issue if you reconcile.

First of all, i really appreciate everyone's input on this - it always helps to get perspectives from people who don't know you (instead of friends, family) - those people usually just tell you what u want to hear- at least i know i can get a variety of opinions here and they'll be honest ones

As far as the dating other guys, i can see how she would be hesistant to give other guys up since she may be fearful of getting dumped again

But let me ask you this: is it reasonable for me to ask her to date me solely right from the onset or should i be more flexible with that?

Tayl405

07-16-2009, 03:33 PM

But let me ask you this: is it reasonable for me to ask her to date me solely right from the onset or should i be more flexible with that?

It sounds like she is going to want to ease back into it. But can you be flexible, or would that be too hard for you? I think that if you want to give it a chance, you will have to be flexible. But if it's too much of a compromise for you to do so, then you should nix the idea altogether (unless, of course, she wants to jump right back into the relationship).

I've never gone back to dating an ex, so I really don't know, but I would imagine that it would take some time for things to get normal again.

Agadefe

07-16-2009, 03:50 PM

But let me ask you this: is it reasonable for me to ask her to date me solely right from the onset or should i be more flexible with that?

Pawn, I think you are setting yourself up for a broken heart here. You say that you are just going to "see how it does" and you aren't assuming anything but this comment makes it seem like you are already seriously considering what will happen in the hypothetical future where you guys are back together.

To be honest with you, she most likely does NOT want to get back together. I have had dinner with exes a few times after a long time has passed and not once have any of them wanted to get back together (I didn't either so it worked out fine), but just because she is having dinner with you does not mean anything unless you sensed strong vibes from her and she made obvious motions towards this end. Not "agreed to go to dinner with you when you asked".

The only way this will end okay for you is if you truly go in with the intention of playing it by ear. No expectations. No hopes. If she brings it up, great. I don't think this will happen though man, and you can't go in expecting it to. If you do want to bring it up yourself, make sure you do it not expecting her to say yes. It's worth a shot, because worse case scenario is she says no. But DO NOT count on it or expect it, otherwise you will just get really upset when she turns you down.

Just because she wanted to marry you a year in a half ago does not mean those feelings have lingered, particularly if she has been dating lots of other guys. People move on. She also could have just been telling you she was casually dating a bunch of guys, while really there were only one or two that she has actually been pretty serious about (by friend is doing this to her ex-boyfriend now).

I don't mean to sound negative, but I don't want to see you set yourself up for disaster.

KCboy

07-16-2009, 03:58 PM

But let me ask you this: is it reasonable for me to ask her to date me solely right from the onset or should i be more flexible with that?

I don't know what typical protocol is for ex’s that get back together, but I would assume it goes straight back into "exclusive".

I mean, simply "dating" someone is getting to know a them. You already know what you need to know with an ex. Plus, you’ve already crossed that line, I don’t see how it wouldn’t be awkward to simply “date” again.

I’m pretty sure if I had feelings like that for a woman, I wouldn’t want to think about them jumping on the ole pogo-stick with some other guy while we are together. If she didn’t hold those same feelings for me, I’d wonder why get back with her in the first place. “Fear of getting dumped again” sounds like a bunch of bullshit – we are ALL scared of getting dumped, its universal no matter the situation.

KCboy

07-16-2009, 03:59 PM

To be honest with you, she most likely does NOT want to get back together. I have had dinner with exes a few times after a long time has passed and not once have any of them wanted to get back together (I didn't either so it worked out fine), but just because she is having dinner with you does not mean anything unless you sensed strong vibes from her and she made obvious motions towards this end. Not "agreed to go to dinner with you when you asked".

agreed.

hoodie

07-16-2009, 07:14 PM

Got a few things to answer/address here.

First of all, GOOD CALL on making this the last ditch attempt. It's very, very smart to go into this knowing what you want out of it and also what to do if you don't get what you want. Some exes really enjoy stringing someone along out of some sense of ego imbalance or residual bitterness, and it's good to know where you're drawing your "line" right away. Knowing yourself and that you don't want some watered-down friendship replacing the relationship you once had, having a clearly defined plan in your head is good thinking. Protect your heart.

Second of all, does she know if your intentions are friendly or date-y? I'm really not sure. Was the most recent conversation you had flirty and/or reminiscent or just mostly catching up? If the latter, she may be seeing this as a "friend" thing. Possibly, also, she has no better idea than you do and is just going to "go with the flow". So since you do want to date her, better make it crystal clear why you're going to dinner with her and see how she responds. The talking in the car idea ought to work, or maybe go for a walk after dinner?

Thirdly, about whether you should let her "ease in" or date exclusively, I'd say date exclusively. Again, know yourself. If the idea of her dating other guys makes it hard to trust her, letting her date around and date you is a recipe for disaster. Getting back together with someone and rebuilding bonds and trust is really hard. Both parties have to be fully committed to making it work. Like KC said, dating casually is mostly for people who don't know each other. If you are going to be together, then go for it completely and wholeheartedly.

I hope it goes well for you, pawn. You seem to really miss her. Best of luck!

pawnstar3

07-17-2009, 09:00 AM

Hoodie - I don't know what she thinks this dinner will be (friendly or date-y) - i didnt tell her either way - i don't want to get into that until the actual dinner,which is tonight - part of me thinks she thinks it's friendly, but would she really travel 40 min for just that? - maybe, but it's hard to tell based on the phone convo which was very much a catch up session - i am glad that i made the decision to go in with a full plan

I agree with you about the dating exclusively thing- i won't accept it any other way - as much as i want to give things a shot with her, that's one term i can't compromise on - she's had a year and a half to date other guys and none of them turned into a relationship- i would even tell her to give me like a month of exclusive dating, and if it wasn't working then she can go back to dating whoever she wants - that may be a fair compromise-

I'm very anxious/excited/nervous about tonight - i've played out different scenarios in my head (some were good, some were awful) - nothing would shock me at this point though- i just can't wait to see what happens because either way, i need to get this off my chest and see if i have any future with this girl - because if not, i really need to move on

GlassHalfEmpty

07-18-2009, 01:36 AM

Hey pawn,

I guess by now you guys have already gone out for your dinner, so I'm not sure where your situation is at the moment. What I do think is that you should be really careful about getting back together with this girl. Usually when things don't work out once, they are likely to not work out again for the same reasons. From the way you described it, she does seem a little selfish and even though you still have feelings for her, getting back together might just be setting yourself up to get really hurt. Especially if a large part of the reason why you are doing it is because you haven't met anyone else. It seems like this girl has hurt you before and you need to be really careful with where you go from here because she could hurt you again. Not because she wants to or anything, but because you might be expecting something from her that she doesn't want to give (like a committed relationship). If she decides she wants to date you again, you should make sure that this is something more than just another casual fling for her. I don't think it's okay for her to date other guys while keeping you on the side, considering that you guys have a long history already. On the other hand, if she just wants to be friends or whatever, then maybe it's best to just move on. I know it's easier said than done (I'm still getting over a break-up myself), but it's almost definitely for the best in the long run. Just make sure you don't set yourself up to get hurt, and really think about it before you jump into anything with her again. Best of luck and let me know how things go!

pawnstar3

07-18-2009, 10:01 AM

Well the dinner took place and i'm officially a wreck- barely slept last night - I don't know where to begin - basically she looked even better than she ever looked - she was friendly, brought me cookies that she baked for me, etc. - abut 5 min into the dinner it all came up about getting back together- she said she knew what my intentions were when i asked her to the dinner - she said she'll always love me but that she doesnt think shes in love with me anymore - she did apologize for the way she behaved after our break between not contacting me when my mother was sick, hooking up with other guys and lying to me about it and saying she wouldnt sleep with me etc

She's been sleeping with a cop for the last 6 months but they're not a couple(don't even get me started on how that makes me feel) - she said she likes her life a lot now and what she has with certain guys fits her hectic work schedule etc-

We finished the convo in her car and i still gave her the choice of gettng back together with me but in an exlcusive way- she said she thinks she may love the cop and wanted to see where it went with him as well - it was so frustrating - i'm supposed to call her tomorrow night to continue the convo

Oh and she kept bringing up that she feels my mom hates her after what she pullled after our break and that that would prevent her from getting back at me- in reality my mom was very hurt and angry at her but she would def get over it if my ex apologized to her - that to me is the least of our problems

This cop thing is an issue though and im almost afraid to get involved with her because he's a cop - i also can't imagine her sleeping with another guy if i was gonna date her again- i just can't do that with someone i love- waht a mess this all is - i dont know what to do - please advise or ask any more questions about this - i'm so confused and frustrated and heartbroken in some ways

winneythepooh7

07-18-2009, 10:46 AM

I think you got your answer but it seems like you still want to chase after her.

Screen Name

07-18-2009, 12:25 PM

She's been sleeping with a cop for the last 6 months but they're not a couple(don't even get me started on how that makes me feel) - she said she likes her life a lot now and what she has with certain guys fits her hectic work schedule etc-

Ok, I am peeking my big dumb head back into these forums after taking a few months off, want to know why??? Because someone needs to grab you by the shoulders and SHAKE SOME SENSE INTO YOU!!!! The advice here is too soft.

Buddy, she is banging the LAW. Move on, FORGET this girl. It's a big world, other fish in the sea. Clearly you care and you are probably a great guy so just take your effort to a person that deserves it for a while: yourself. After you learn to love and respect yourself then, and only then, can you really love another person. Furthermore, if you respected and loved yourself you wouldn't be putting yourself through this rollercoaster, she's getting a huge ego boost riding the cop and watching you grovel, this girl has issues and really thinks she is a character on Sex and the City or something. Move on, you're too good for this, she's simply gaming and using you for an ego boost- she sounds like a self absorbed ego maniac and it's totally unhealthy for you if this is how she makes you feel. You do what's good for you, move on, forget her forever.

My advice: focus on you, learn to love yourself, and don't let people walk all over you ever again. This girl is ruthless trouble and will bring you nothing but pain and aggravation.

bamagal2384

07-18-2009, 01:29 PM

Let it go. Now. She told you she wasn't in love with you anymore. She also told you she likes her FWB arrangement, if she was interested she would not have told you that. Don't call her back. She said she thinks she's in love with the cop. Why would you want to chase after someone who said they don't love you?

It's time to move on. You will find someone else. It might take awhile, but you are letting your life slip away while pining for her. Don't you feel like you deserve someone who, when offered the chance to get back together, gives you a hug and tells you that they were hoping you would say that and they have missed you? That's what someone with feelings would do.

Screen Name

07-18-2009, 01:43 PM

Also wanted to add...

It's not about finding someone new to move on or forward away from this. Don't try to blame the lack of ability of finding someone new: Go look in the mirror, there's the new person right there looking back at you. Go be selfish, spoil yourself if you have the means, spend money on yourself, go do something you enjoy, paint a picture, go for a walk, go out for a guys night, forget about chasing a new woman for a while and just enjoy yourself. Someone will eventually come along, other people love confidence so the more you love yourself the more attractive you will naturally seem to others, just don't become a sick ego maniac like her and screw with everybody's head.

pawnstar3

07-18-2009, 04:50 PM

hoodie

07-18-2009, 05:25 PM

I'm sorry you had to go through this, pawn, but like you'd said earlier, you had to know. Now there are no questions in your mind about the status of that relationship and the quality of that woman and you can move on knowing you gave it your best shot.

I'd say let it fade. You've had enough drama. Just quietly cut her off and don't try to contact her in any way and move on with your life. Good plan staying busy - be good to yourself man.

Screen Name

07-18-2009, 06:20 PM

Thanks for all the advice everyone - my family and friends have been saying the same things- i guess it's just hard to move on when u love someone - last night was beyond painful for me - i keep trying to tell myself that this girl loves me but the truth is she doesn't anymore - that was such a hard pill to swallow - i guess i'm just gonna try to stay positive - i made plans to meet one of my friends for movie tonight to take my mind off of things - but it's still gonna sting for a while - do you think i should even bother calling her back to tell her i'm not gonna bother with her anymore or just let it fade naturally?

Cheers to moving on! Congratulate yourself for being smart enough to not let someone continue to cause you aggravation and pain. The fact remains if she loved you she would not hurt you, she loves herself, maybe she DID love you a long time ago but that's over, she's selfish so don't bother dwelling on convincing yourself of how she feels.

I think it's great you are meeting up with a friend but don't be afraid to be alone too, go get a massage or go to a spa, treat yourself. Let it fade, calling looks weak, chin up, smile wide, walk away proud. You've got a lot going for you, and by walking away you are saving yourself a lot of wasted thought and efforts, put that extra energy into yourself! Go have fun and try not to dwell on it, this is your chance to reinvent yourself, I know it sounds weird but right now you should be really happy because this is good for YOU. :)

GlassHalfEmpty

07-19-2009, 03:26 AM

I know it's hard to cheer up and feel happy after getting hurt by someone like that. Even when everyone around you is telling you it will be okay and that you just need to move on. But it's definitely easier to dish out that advice than to actually take it. But even if it's hard to feel better right now, you need to make up in your mind that you are really and finally done with this girl. And it might hurt like hell thinking that, especially since you still have such strong feelings for her. But as cliche as it sounds, time really will make it better. By the time you realize that you're over her, you will have long passed that "low point" that you are in now and if you think about it, things can really only get better from here. Don't beat yourself up too much. I know it's hard losing someone and wondering if you are ever going to meet anyone like that again, or if you will ever be able to feel that way about someone again. But sometimes you just have to suffer through those rough times so that you can grow and appreciate the good times that will come. I hope things work out for you!

pawnstar3

07-20-2009, 09:08 AM

On Friday night we left off that i was supposed to call her sunday night to keep talking about things - however I decided to text her yesterday instead of calling her and i told her that i realize she's over me and that things wouldnt work out between the 2 of us anyway since we want different things in life etc - she wrote back and said she thought of me all day on saturday and had to remind herself that she wouldn't be able to give me what i want and that if we got back together i would only wind up resenting her further - she said she would always have a place for me in her heart and that we can be friends, etc - part of me regretted not calling her because i would've been able to say more on the phone and also a lot of what she said did seem hearfelt and sincere which would've been nice to hear directly although i guess it really doesnt matter at this point

The bottom line is that it's still a hard thing to deal with - it feels like breaking up with her all over again - as a matter of fact, it feels worse this time around - i'm still not sure why she came to see me for the dinner if she knew what i was gonna talk to her about - part of me (and this may be totally foolish) still believes (or wants to believe) that she cares about me and would be with me if i made all the concessions in the relationship (which is certainly selfish on her part) - i guess the bottom line was that we're on different paths in life and maybe even met at the wrong time - who knows- it could just be that she didn't love me enough (that's prob the most realistic reason as to why we're currently not together) or that i didn't push hard enough - but either way, we're done and it def hurts a lot but i'm trying to remain positive and get my life back on track

KCboy

07-22-2009, 01:20 PM

it feels like breaking up with her all over again - as a matter of fact, it feels worse this time around

Yup. And if you continue to talk to her you will continue to go through this over and over and over until you realize this girl is a complete sociopath.

She knew you still had feelings for her and you were going to bring up getting back together, and yet she goes to this dinner anyway? For what, just to tell you to your face that you have no chance? And to throw in the fact that she’s banging someone else? Did she feel the need to see the look on your face when she ripped your heart out?

Any time you think you miss her, or still have any sort of love for her, remember that you are just NOW seeing the real person. She’s got problems, and the best thing you can do is stay as far away as you can. Don’t call her, don’t email, delete her number, remove her from your email contact list, if she is a facebook friend then remove that too.

And don’t fall into the “I will never find anyone” bs. Women are out there, and they aren’t fuqt in the head like this bitch was.

pawnstar3

07-22-2009, 01:58 PM

Yup. And if you continue to talk to her you will continue to go through this over and over and over until you realize this girl is a complete sociopath.

She knew you still had feelings for her and you were going to bring up getting back together, and yet she goes to this dinner anyway? For what, just to tell you to your face that you have no chance? And to throw in the fact that she’s banging someone else? Did she feel the need to see the look on your face when she ripped your heart out?

Any time you think you miss her, or still have any sort of love for her, remember that you are just NOW seeing the real person. She’s got problems, and the best thing you can do is stay as far away as you can. Don’t call her, don’t email, delete her number, remove her from your email contact list, if she is a facebook friend then remove that too.

And don’t fall into the “I will never find anyone” bs. Women are out there, and they aren’t fuqt in the head like this bitch was.

What kept drawing me to her was the feeling that i was in the wrong somehow for dumping her- i do believe that she loved me when we were together, but that her feelings really have changed because shes been out dating (and tramping around) and somehow that got her over me - it was very hurtful to hear those things though - first of all, i could never sleep with her again knowing she was still sleeping with another guy and unwilling to give that up- i would NEVER share someone i love

kmv2005

07-22-2009, 04:03 PM

IMO, it sounds like she was pissed at you for breaking up with her - although you had a good reason to and she was acting like a selfish b!tch - so she started sleeping around to get back at you or something. She's played you to make you jealous and to make you keep thinking about her, and you fell for it.

Stop all contact with her. Don't worry yet about finding someone new. Just concentrate on other aspects of your life for now. You can't really find someone new until you are completely over the person you were with. I know this because when my most recent ex broke up with me, it took more than a year before I was ready to move on, and then another six months or so before I found someone I wanted to be in a serious relationship with.

pawnstar3

07-23-2009, 10:32 AM

You can't really find someone new until you are completely over the person you were with. I know this because when my most recent ex broke up with me, it took more than a year before I was ready to move on, and then another six months or so before I found someone I wanted to be in a serious relationship with.

But you can take that statement and also say, You can't really get over the person you were with until you find someone new And that's where i think the problem lies for me right now - because i can't find anyone i sometimes fall into the routine of thinking about her and regretting things, etc.

I realize that her behavior post-breakup was like you said, an attempt to make me jealous and get revenge on me - do i think shes over me? yea, for the most part i do - and she did that by having a sex life, hanging out with friends, getting her own place, etc - those are things i'm lacking for the most part and it's frustrating because it's held me back from moving on