Bizarre Love Triangle

[blue_monday]

I have this friend whom I've known for some time, lets call her Lady A. I always thought she would be a great woman to date. When we first met, I could tell she had no interest in dating me. So, I didn't pursue her, and went on being friends.

Time passes, and you can totally tell she has feelings for my roommate, but my roommate doesn't have any feelings toward her.

This past Saturday, I invited Lady A to a company party with me. We both got drunk, and during this time she admits that she is really into my roommate. We both sobered up, and drove home. I walked her up to her apartment, and she invited me in. After eating a little something I made a move, and she was receptive. This ended up with us sleeping together. I thought she might be drunk, but she assured me she wasn't. Half-way through the night she woke me up to fool around some more, so I knew she wasn't drunk.

The next morning I kissed her good bye a bit perplexed about where our relationship stood.

I gave her a call that afternoon seeing if she wanted to move things toward a dating relationship. She said it would be best if we remained just friends.

Now this morning, a mutual friend said that Lady A just wants to forget the night ever happened.

I was a bit hurt by this, but that's life. But what I want to know is if I should avoid Lady A since I have feelings for her. Her birthday party is this weekend, should I not go?

Is it going to be awkward in group situations from now on? Do I need to pick only certain friends in our group to hang out with now?

It's hard getting objective advice from my friend group.

[KCboy]

I think it depends on you. If you can handle essentially forgetting it happened and moving on, going back to at least acting like friends, then I would still go to the party. There will be other people there that you can chat up so there shouldn’t be too much awkwardness or pressure.

I had something similar to this happen to me, but it was with a drunken co-worker. She revealed after the fact that the night was a mistake. Things were awkward for a while, we went through a progression of hatred, then complete silence, then awkward conversations where we didn’t know exactly how to talk to the other person. If we hadn’t worked together, I’m pretty sure we would have forgotten about each other and never talked again. But after a several months we were able to be friends again, and none of that other stuff lingers anymore (the memories of the night, or any feelings either of us had other than friendship).

If you remain bitter about it and hold onto your feelings, you should probably avoid her. Not only will you have the awkwardness from that night, but you have a legit possibility that your roommate, or some other random guy, could hook up with her in the near future. If you know you can’t handle something like that, you shouldn’t put yourself through it.

[Tayl405]

I agree. If it's going to be torturous, don't put yourself through it. But if you think you can handle it, it may make the situation more tolerable. Just maybe don't drink too much ;)

I'm sorry about the way it ended up. That sucks.

[pawnstar3]

So this girls tells you she's into your roommate and then sleeps with you in the same night- a girl like that certainly doesn't sound like relationship material so consider yourself lucky that she didn't wanna pursue anything further with you - i also would never bother with her again after that, even on a friend level

[blue_monday]

So this girls tells you she's into your roommate and then sleeps with you in the same night- a girl like that certainly doesn't sound like relationship material so consider yourself lucky that she didn't wanna pursue anything further with you l

I never looked at it from that perspective - thanks, that's an eye opener.

[KCboy]

i also would never bother with her again after that, even on a friend level

I agree that she’s probably shown too much sluttiness to pursue as a GF, but I think a friendship doesn’t need to be automatically out of the question. I think that’s holding a bit too much of a high standard on friends/acquaintances. Plenty of us have made mistakes I’m sure, but I hope that all of our friends didn’t ditch us as a result.

Having unreciprocated feelings is certainly reason not to pursue a friendship with her, but sleeping with you when she had no intention of a relationship doesn’t cross that line IMO. It seems a bit harsh and hypocritical.

(I’m not sure if I’m expressing myself correctly – I’m trying to separate the one-sided romantic feelings he has for her, from the incident itself. The first seems worthy of avoidance since it would be nothing more than self-torture. The second would simply be passing negative judgment on the person based on one incident and deciding they are not worthy of friendship)

[pawnstar3]

I agree that she’s probably shown too much sluttiness to pursue as a GF, but I think a friendship doesn’t need to be automatically out of the question. I think that’s holding a bit too much of a high standard on friends/acquaintances. Plenty of us have made mistakes I’m sure, but I hope that all of our friends didn’t ditch us as a result.

Having unreciprocated feelings is certainly reason not to pursue a friendship with her, but sleeping with you when she had no intention of a relationship doesn’t cross that line IMO. It seems a bit harsh and hypocritical.

(I’m not sure if I’m expressing myself correctly – I’m trying to separate the one-sided romantic feelings he has for her, from the incident itself. The first seems worthy of avoidance since it would be nothing more than self-torture. The second would simply be passing negative judgment on the person based on one incident and deciding they are not worthy of friendship)


I get what you're saying but he has feelings for this girl and that's another reason why remaining friends prob won't be a good idea- also, once you sleep with a friend, there's no going back - it's hard to remain friends, once you've crossed that line

So here's my main point: the sluttiness and her lack of interest in him obviously cancels the chance of a relationship

And the weirdness after crossing the line will prob dissolve the friendship, and i do think that would be for the best in the long run

[KCboy]

I get what you're saying but he has feelings for this girl and that's another reason why remaining friends prob won't be a good idea- also, once you sleep with a friend, there's no going back - it's hard to remain friends, once you've crossed that line

So here's my main point: the sluttiness and her lack of interest in him obviously cancels the chance of a relationship

And the weirdness after crossing the line will prob dissolve the friendship, and i do think that would be for the best in the long run

yeah, the combination of all those would definitely make me think twice about any interaction I had with this woman, at least in the immediate future.

my point above was trying to look at the scenarios separately, which obviously isn't the case in reality.

[Samwell]

So this girls tells you she's into your roommate and then sleeps with you in the same night- a girl like that certainly doesn't sound like relationship material so consider yourself lucky that she didn't wanna pursue anything further with you - i also would never bother with her again after that, even on a friend level

So ignore the fact that he knew she was into his roommate and made the move anyways? That's not a little iffy? Or is it ok because he has feelings for her? You can't call one party here a slut and not the other, in my opinion...not that I think that term applies...

I don't think it has to be a friendship breaker unless the guy's feelings for her make it painful to be around her (as others have said). I'm friends with a woman or two that I've crossed that line with. If anything I've found it easier to walk back a one (or two…) time event than keep a true "hangin' out" friendship with a serious girlfriend. It's really up to the maturity and honesty of the people involved...

[KCboy]

You can't call one party here a slut and not the other, in my opinion...not that I think that term applies...

I’m not so sure. He knew that she liked someone else at the beginning of the night, but things can change. For all he knew, she was starting to feel something for him, and he didn’t know otherwise until after the fact. She had it in her mind the whole time that she liked someone else – a friend of his no less.

I see it more as her playing with his emotions, rather than both of them ignoring the facts of the situation to indulge in their hormones.

[Tayl405]

I see it more as her playing with his emotions, rather than both of them ignoring the facts of the situation to indulge in their hormones.

Or her being bombed, enjoying the attention, and not thinking of the consequences... She probably wasn't thinking it through.

[pawnstar3]

Or her being bombed, enjoying the attention, and not thinking of the consequences... She probably wasn't thinking it through.

Which is why she isn't exactly "girfriend" material - the kind of girl that behaves like that and plays with a guy's emotions like that (regardless of being drunk, esp since she should know that drunken behavior leads to that for her) is not the kind of girl worth getting involved with

[Tayl405]

Which is why she isn't exactly "girfriend" material - the kind of girl that behaves like that and plays with a guy's emotions like that (regardless of being drunk, esp since she should know that drunken behavior leads to that for her) is not the kind of girl worth getting involved with

I agree. It sucks though, because you can't help who you like.

[hoodie]

Blue, if it's not too awkward for you, then go to her party. If not, blow it off. It's really your call. Something tells me it's not so simple, though. Pretending something as big as this "never happened" is impossible.

My read on what happened is that she seems like her self esteem's shaken because your roommate has no interest in her. I also, from the sound of it, think she absolutely was drunk. (FYI - waking up in the middle of the night to "do stuff" is no proof of sobriety, Blue.) Damaged ego + drinking generally = bad decisions. And yes, her decisions were VERY poor, but that doesn't make her a slut. Yes being hurt and feeling crappy about oneself leads people to make really dumb choices, but calling her slutty is a step too far.

So my take (continued) is, she's feeling sad, she gets hammered, Blue makes a move on her, and it felt good at the time so she went with it. Maybe on some level she even wanted it to work really badly because it'd be easier than an unrequited crush...but for whatever reason, something just didn't click. Now she feels even worse about herself and wants to pretend it didn't happen. But the problem is, she didn't consider how deeply Blue felt for her and that lack of foresight and understanding is what will bite her in the butt now.

Understand I'm in no way agreeing with her actions or condoning them. These decisions were stupid and she'll absolutely have to deal with the consequences. If you feel like you're uncomfortable and don't want to "pretend it never happened", Blue, then that's a consequence she has to deal with. If you can never be her friend again, Blue, that's a result of the choices made here. And, probably, a sad fact that when one person has unrequited feelings for another, it doesn't really make for a very solid friendship to begin with. It sounds to me like Blue and Lady A are about to go their separate ways and Blue at least will probably be better off for it. I would, however, recommend talking to her soberly, letting her know with full control of her actions and thoughts exactly how you feel/felt and what she is giving up, friendship and potential relationship alike. She deserves to have to deal with that thought if she passes on you.

But let me reiterate once more - one night of poor choices does not necessarily make someone a slut and shame on anyone who throws that word around so easily. Uncool.

[pawnstar3]

But let me reiterate once more - one night of poor choices does not necessarily make someone a slut and shame on anyone who throws that word around so easily. Uncool.

You think this was the one and only time this girl has acted like this??? Slut is simply a word that means promiscuous- if the shoe fits wear it. I hate when people act like sluts and then hate being labeled as that - how are these actions not slutty? If you don't want the label, don't give people a reason to put that label on you.

[DaneCA]

You think this was the one and only time this girl has acted like this??? Slut is simply a word that means promiscuous- if the shoe fits wear it. I hate when people act like sluts and then hate being labeled as that - how are these actions not slutty? If you don't want the label, don't give people a reason to put that label on you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I hate the word "slut," but even I will admit that certain actions can be labeled "slutty". However, I think it's a complete generalization to call a person (female OR male) a "slut" because whatever someone does behind closed doors doesn't define him or her as a person. And without knowing this girl and her sexual history, I think it's totally unfair to call her promiscuous. So she slept with a guy she'd been friends with for a while. Big deal. It's not like it was a one-night stand (which, to clarify, I also wouldn't call "slutty," but I'm sure some people would).

[Tayl405]

I agree with Dane and Hoodie. And anyway, the OP wasn't asking for our judgement on the girl he likes. He was asking for advice on how to handle the situation now that it has occurred.

[pawnstar3]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I hate the word "slut," but even I will admit that certain actions can be labeled "slutty". However, I think it's a complete generalization to call a person (female OR male) a "slut" because whatever someone does behind closed doors doesn't define him or her as a person. And without knowing this girl and her sexual history, I think it's totally unfair to call her promiscuous. So she slept with a guy she'd been friends with for a while. Big deal. It's not like it was a one-night stand (which, to clarify, I also wouldn't call "slutty," but I'm sure some people would).

But it was a one night stand - the girl even made that clear after the fact- whether or not she slept with a friend or a stranger doesn't change the fact that it was a one night stand - and what exactly would you consider "slutty" then? Of course there are varying degrees of sluttiness - like i said earlier,a girl that would do something like this has likely done this before- guaranteed

[pawnstar3]

I agree with Dane and Hoodie. And anyway, the OP wasn't asking for our judgement on the girl he likes. He was asking for advice on how to handle the situation now that it has occurred.

But he was indirectly asking for our judgement - the character of this girl is what is helping the analysis of the situation- i'm a little unlcear here - do you have a problem with me using the word slut instead of promiscuous- or do you not think she's promiscous? - i'm a bit confused

[Tayl405]

But he was indirectly asking for our judgement - the character of this girl is what is helping the analysis of the situation- i'm a little unlcear here - do you have a problem with me using the word slut instead of promiscuous- or do you not think she's promiscous? - i'm a bit confused

I don't think she's promiscuous or slutty. It's not my place to judge her. BUT, in response to the original post and a number of follow-up posts, I agree that she was careless with his feelings (which doesn't make her a bad person - just means made a mistake) and that if he isn't able to handle it, he should keep away. No need to be self-torturous.

[Tayl405]

Oh wow this is interesting. So someone who has a one-night stand is slutty? Why do we even need to label it anything? What a person chooses to do sexually is their business. I slept with an acquaintance drunkenly one night and it turned into a 3-year serious relationship.

I hope you all don't think any less of me...me and my promiscuous ways!

Floozy ;):

[pawnstar3]

Oh wow this is interesting. So someone who has a one-night stand is slutty? Why do we even need to label it anything? What a person chooses to do sexually is their business. I slept with an acquaintance drunkenly one night and it turned into a 3-year serious relationship.

I hope you all don't think any less of me...me and my promiscuous ways!

What's the problem with a label? It's just a means of describing one's actions. If someone murders someone, we can't call them "bad" or "evil"?- if someone helps someone cross the street we can't call them "kind"? if someone is promiscuous we can't call them "slutty"?- it seems to me that the only people that have problems with these labels are ones that probably fall under that cateogry

I never judged her for being slutty, i was just pointing out that she was promiscuous and was hurting this guy's feelings - the two things wound up going hand in hand in this particular situation

That's great that your one night stand turned into a relationship - but that's also VERY rare- most guys wouldn't make a girl a GF after a one night stand - that's just the reality- like i said, i don't judge people's behaviors- i was merely pointing it out

[DaneCA]

But it was a one night stand - the girl even made that clear after the fact- whether or not she slept with a friend or a stranger doesn't change the fact that it was a one night stand - and what exactly would you consider "slutty" then? Of course there are varying degrees of sluttiness - like i said earlier,a girl that would do something like this has likely done this before- guaranteed

I'm pretty sure my definition of "slutty" is way different than yours, so I'm not going to get into that. I don't consider a girl a slut just because she's had one or two one-night stands, though, in case you're wondering. And I also don't consider it a one-night stand if the participants already know one another, but that's just me. I know people have different opinions of what constitutes a one-night stand.

Like Taylor said, the OP was asking for advice on what course of action to take regarding this girl, not a character assessment. The OP doesn't seem to be calling this girl a slut, so why should we?

[Tayl405]

So, by considering someone promiscuous who sleeps with someone one time (it's not even really a "one night stand" if she knew him), that's not making a judgment? That's a matter of opinion - your opinion - which makes it a judgement.

I wouldn't consider her actions as being promiscuous. Period.

[Tayl405]

Ha, jinx.

[pawnstar3]

I'm pretty sure my definition of "slutty" is way different than yours, so I'm not going to get into that. I don't consider a girl a slut just because she's had one or two one-night stands, though, in case you're wondering. And I also don't consider it a one-night stand if the participants already know one another, but that's just me. I know people have different opinions of what constitutes a one-night stand.

Like Taylor said, the OP was asking for advice on what course of action to take regarding this girl, not a character assessment. The OP doesn't seem to be calling this girl a slut, so why should we?

Actually the OP thanked me for my analysis if you go back and re-read the posts - it's funny how he didn't have a problem with the label i was using, but other people did - in other words, he was agreeing with me

[pawnstar3]

So, by considering someone promiscuous who sleeps with someone one time (it's not even really a "one night stand" if she knew him), that's not making a judgment? That's a matter of opinion - your opinion - which makes it a judgement.

I wouldn't consider her actions as being promiscuous. Period.

No it's not a judgment of her character - a judgment would be saying she's a bad person for being a slut - i'm just saying her actions were slutty (i.e. promiscuous) that's not an opinion- that's a fact (even if you refuse to accept that)

i also dont see how it makes her any less slutty for sleeping with a friend than some other random guy- she may have done that as well , or multiple times- we don't know - either way she didn't want to have anything more than a sexual encounter with the OP - and like i said, i highly doubt that was her first one night- stand or whatever you want to refer to it as

[DaneCA]

That's great that your one night stand turned into a relationship - but that's also VERY rare- most guys wouldn't make a girl a GF after a one night stand - that's just the reality- like i said, i don't judge people's behaviors- i was merely pointing it out

Not necessarily. True, some one-night stands happen because two people are drunk and just want to get laid, and some guys won't respect a girl who puts out too quickly (just as some girls might not respect a guy for the same reason). But one-night stands can also happen because there's an immediate, strong attraction. My most recent ex and I slept together within only a few days of meeting one another, but that doesn't mean I'm a total whore or deserve to be labeled as such. It just means we really hit it off and saw no reason to wait because we both were feeling it. We ended up dating for a year so, obviously, he had no problem with my "sluttiness" and no, that was not the reason for our break-up.

[pawnstar3]

Not necessarily. True, some one-night stands happen because two people are drunk and just want to get laid, and some guys won't respect a girl who puts out too quickly (just as some girls might not respect a guy for the same reason). But one-night stands can also happen because there's an immediate, strong attraction. My most recent ex and I slept together within only a few days of meeting one another, but that doesn't mean I'm a total whore or deserve to be labeled as such. It just means we really hit it off and saw no reason to wait because we both were feeling it. We ended up dating for a year so, obviously, he had no problem with my "sluttiness" and no, that was not the reason for our break-up.

I don't have a problem with that whatsoever- and i do know a few ppl who slept with someone right away and had long term relationships - but that's the minority for sure - the harsh reality is that most guys who sleep with a girl right away don't respect her/ view her as being a whore- i personally wouldn't let that affect me unless she was acting that way with lots of guys- my ex slept with me after about 3 weeks of dating- some ppl i know found that to be too soon - these things are always topics of debate - my whole point though is that whether or not ppl want to admit it, most guys that sleep with a girl right away are prob not gonna make them a GF

[Tayl405]

I love you saying that calling someone "slutty" is a fact. How, exactly, is that the case?

Pawn, I know you have certain (strong) opinions, and I think it's great that you stand by your convictions - truly. But, you really need to recognize and appreciate that everyone is different, everyone has different values, different wants and needs in relationships, different opinions of people, etc. Making blanket or general statements is frustrating and offensive, and not true. Maybe for you they are, but not for "most" people. I think your posts would be much better received if you phrased them as "I think" and "I feel" instead of "most people". Because if you are going to say "most people" you should be able to back that up.

[blue_monday]

Hi Everyone,

I'm the OP.

pawnstar3 - when I thanked you for the advice, you hadn't used the "slut" word.

I personally don't like that label. Or feel the need to label people I've never met or know anything about. If she's a "slut" in your mind, then I must be a "slut" as well for making the first move.

hoodie - had the most apt advice advice for me, breaking down the situation perfectly.

However, since my original post I had to go pick up a jacket a left a her place. We talked and agreed that the situation is awkward. But, I think we can be jovial around each other. I'll be going to her party.

I actually have a date lined up on Friday, so I'm on track to moving on - hopefully with our friendship intact.

[pawnstar3]

Hi Everyone,

I'm the OP.

pawnstar3 - when I thanked you for the advice, you hadn't used the "slut" word.

I personally don't like that label. Or feel the need to label people I've never met or no anything about. If she's a "slut" in your mind, then I must be a "slut" as well for making the first move.

However, since my original post I had to go pick up a jacket a left a her place. We talked and agreed that the situation is awkward. But, I think we can be jovial around each other. I'll be going to her party.

I actually have a date lined up on Friday, so I'm on track to moving on - hopefully with our friendship intact.

First of all, let me clear a few things up - i thought her actions were slutty, not necessarily that she was a full blown slut- maybe that was a bit harsh anyway and i apologize for that - my real point with it all (and the one that you agreed with) is that the way she handled the situation was not too considerate of your feelings - therefore she wasnt someone worth dating - i didn't mean to offend anyone with my commentary- i usually write these things at work and i have to hurry up before my coworkers come by my desk - so they may not be as thought out as i'd like them to be

As far as your friendship with this girl, i feel like even if you say its intact there are two problems: a) things will never be the same and b) what if one of you seduces the other again and you wind up sleeping together again - this could get messy

[hoodie]

It's the OP's decision, pawn. Just as it is your decision to contact your ex regardless to what anyone else says about it. Your life, your call. Blue's life, Blue's call. Drop it.

Good luck, Blue. Hope your date goes well!

[KCboy]

It's the OP's decision, pawn. Just as it is your decision to contact your ex regardless to what anyone else says about it. Your life, your call. Blue's life, Blue's call. Drop it.

I don't think pawn's response was negative or attacking. He just 1) explained his previous description of the girl in question, and 2) asked a legitimate question.

[pawnstar3]

It's the OP's decision, pawn. Just as it is your decision to contact your ex regardless to what anyone else says about it. Your life, your call. Blue's life, Blue's call. Drop it.

Good luck, Blue. Hope your date goes well!

First of all, thanks KCBOY for defending me

Hoodie- i honestly have no idea why you;re writing this - i'm not telling blue what to do with his life - he's asking everyone for advice and i simply gave it and even went out of my way to clarify my points - so i have no idea where this is coming from