REALLY worried about dating scene after college

[kirkhinrich1287]

i have 1 more semester in college until i graduate. i will probably go to grad school in engineering for Fall of next year,but i'm not sure yet. it doesnt help that i'm a 21yo male who has never even dated or had a kiss, and only 2-3 girls have ever liked me in my adolescene. then again, i never really put much effort into getting a gf until 2 years ago, when i asked out a girl for the 1st time. since that rejection, i've asked out 2-3 girls, and they also rejected me. i blew a chance to talk to a girl who really liked me, but she's moved far out of state and doesnt intend to come back anytime soon

i heard the best way to find girls to date are girls your friends know. unfortunately, i have few friends, none of them are close friends, but plenty of acquaintances. my closest friends who go to my school are nerds like me who dont know any girls. that leaves me with friends who dont go to my school and the acquaintances at my current school. should i ask them if they know any girls to set me up with? how do i go about it, just call them out of nowhere and ask?

i created an online dating profile a couple weeks ago and have sent detailed messages about their profiles, but gotten NO responses after messaging about 50 girls

i've tried to volunteer for the local theatre this summer, as a way to meet people outside college, but they havent responded yet
the bar and clubbing scene arent really for me as i'm rahter shy and nerdy. plus, none of my friends are into that either, so i have no one to go with anyways. plus, i'm not into picking up girls. i'd rather find my true love and get into a long term relationship

i heard college was by far the best way to meet and date girls, but if i failed in that regard, what options are left for me? i'm REALLY worried that i'll end up even worse than the 40yo virgin

[wordsmith]

Hah, it's funny, because NObody dated at my college. It was random flingy hookups or nothing. There were no real couples, except for those who were couples before they started school,and came to school together. It was kind of known for not being a college where people got into relationships - at least not while they were students...there's a pretty high incidence of alums marrying alums later in life, curiously, but not of them having dated while at school.

At any rate, I dated TONS more post-college than during. And I spent the majority of my post-undergrad single years in a very small town in the rural midwest, and still dated tons. If I could do it, given my location and level of selection, trust me that anybody can. I wouldn't sweat it. It just takes effort and putting yourself out there and being open, and being REALLY, REALLY, REALLY persistent and resilient when you wanna give up.

P.S. I am "not from Chicago," either. And often make that distinction.

[DaneCA]

I've found it's easier to date after college, too. My school is a party school by reputation, so there were lots of random hook-ups and flings, but not much dating. Since college, though, the guys I meet are way more willing to commit and actually date, not just hook up, and I'm pretty sure this is true of girls, too (for the OP).

I think saying "I'd rather find my true love and get into a long-term relationship" is a little unrealistic, though. It just isn't that easy for most people, and why would you want it to be? You'll appreciate what you have a lot more once you find it if you have to work a little for it.

[larry52]

Sorry dude but if you're 21 and have never dated or kissed a girl you're probably set out for a life of virginity. I'm just being honest here.

Most people begin developing basic dating skills in their mid teens. If you're almost done with college and haven't started then it probably won't happen.

There's nothing wrong with celibacy. I had sex a handful of times in my late teens (just sex no 'date' or anything like a relationship) and then entered my present stretch of MANY years without sex/date/kiss/etc. At this point I'm probably celibate for life. It's not really all that bad....

If you suck at dating then I'd suggest refocusing your energies into something more productive. You'll probably end up happier.

[wordsmith]

Sorry dude but if you're 21 and have never dated or kissed a girl you're probably set out for a life of virginity. I'm just being honest here.

Not true.

[kirkhinrich1287]

Sorry dude but if you're 21 and have never dated or kissed a girl you're probably set out for a life of virginity. I'm just being honest here.

Most people begin developing basic dating skills in their mid teens. If you're almost done with college and haven't started then it probably won't happen.

There's nothing wrong with celibacy. I had sex a handful of times in my late teens (just sex no 'date' or anything like a relationship) and then entered my present stretch of MANY years without sex/date/kiss/etc. At this point I'm probably celibate for life. It's not really all that bad....

If you suck at dating then I'd suggest refocusing your energies into something more productive. You'll probably end up happier.

i dont know if the others here agree with you or not, but i could always get lucky and meet a girl who likes me for the way i am. the 2-3 girls who liked me in the past apparently didnt mind

[larry52]

i dont know if the others here agree with you or not, but i could always get lucky and meet a girl who likes me for the way i am. the 2-3 girls who liked me in the past apparently didnt mind

I hope you do get lucky. I just wouldn't be disappointed if it doesn't happen. What I'm saying is don't set your expectations too high and have a mental "backup plan" in case you don't find someone...meaning don't make your life happiness dependent on having a relationship. At your age you're definitely many steps behind your peers and there's obviously something hindering your progress or you would have dated the girls who liked you in the past.

Everyone who has already found someone trots out the "someone for everyone" line. There are tons of people who never find anyone, so obviously it's not true.

[larry52]

Not true.

The legions of older virgins out there disagree with you. I'd say that a virginal male not by choice at 21 has a fair chance of remaining that way. It only gets more difficult the older one gets.

As someone who functions normally in non-platonic relations with the opposite sex, I don't think you can truly understand the plight of the male that is older and far behind his peers in the dating world. There are huge walls and mental blocks to overcome. I can speak of this b/c I'd still be a virgin were it not for pure dumb luck. I still have the social and relationship skills of a Class A virgin.

[kirkhinrich1287]

At your age you're definitely many steps behind your peers and there's obviously something hindering your progress or you would have dated the girls who liked you in the past.

i didnt date those girls who liked me because i wasnt interested in them at the time (though i now should've gone for them), except for the girl who liked me last year. i didnt get a chance to date her since we didnt see each other very often last year (only about 5 times)

[Bsig84]

The legions of older virgins out there disagree with you. I'd say that a virginal male not by choice at 21 has a fair chance of remaining that way. It only gets more difficult the older one gets.

As someone who functions normally in non-platonic relations with the opposite sex, I don't think you can truly understand the plight of the male that is older and far behind his peers in the dating world. There are huge walls and mental blocks to overcome. I can speak of this b/c I'd still be a virgin were it not for pure dumb luck. I still have the social and relationship skills of a Class A virgin.

Oh please. There is no age cut off where if you are still a virgin by ____ age you will probably be one for life. Everyone meets people at different times and stages in their lives. There are plenty of women (and men) that choose to be a virgin until marriage and those women would not be turned off by a 21 year old virgin.

[wordsmith]

Exactly...and women who AREN'T waiting until marriage aren't necessarily going to be turned off by it, either...speaking from personal experience. 21 is not 45. 21 is not "older" than much - it's barely out of teenage years, definitely not a stage by which most have gained any real adult level of maturity, and for many, not even out of the basic schooling stage of life. There are plenty of sexually and emotionally healthy people who have CHOSEN to put off a sex life until they are past that developmental stage, and aren't hindered in any way, shape, or form. Likewise, there are loads of so-called "late bloomers" who fare just fine when they do meet somebody they want that type of relationship with and who wants it with them.

Banging people just to bang people because you "have to" get it "over with" while you're still a teenager/still in college/whatever doesn't mean much about social or sexual maturity. It also doesn't mean that somebody who's barely out of teenage years is "far behind" his peers if he hasn't taken this approach. Relationships (and even opportunities for non-relationship sex lives) happen when they happen. They don't happen because (or when) a person wants them to happen, necessarily. There is no timeline.

[pawnstar3]

First of all 21 is not old - granted, a good amount of people lose their virginity in high school and college, 21 is still young - it's not like 41 - to me, losing one's virginity at any point in your teens or 20's is normal - past 30 is starting to get old - but some people choose to remain virgins so that's their business

As far as dating after college, i've always been a late bloomer and didn't really date or hookup with girls in college with the exception of one - my dating life started post college in my early 20's - and i must say it's def hard to find ppl, esp when you don't have a large network of friends

[Bocheezu]

engineering

is kind of a dead end with women. The guy/girl ratio is so severe that you have to be like the top 10% of males to get any halfway-attractive female. Undergrad was a total dead end for me -- I was really busy getting good grades and didn't have the time/inclination to meet people. Grad school can be better because it's much more tight-knit, so the potential for solid relationships is there. I hung out with two women all the time, literally all day every day, and I was great friends with them, but it just so happened they were both married the summer between senior undergrad and grad school. Engineer women usually don't stay single for long.

The key is to expand your circle of friends beyond engineering. I have a male friend that's in nursing school, and the guy/girl ratio for nursing is like the complete polar opposite of engineering. He basically has to beat the women off with a stick. Really, I think they should have social get-togethers for these two majors in college, since they match up so well together.

[Bsig84]

is kind of a dead end with women. The guy/girl ratio is so severe that you have to be like the top 10% of males to get any halfway-attractive female. Undergrad was a total dead end for me -- I was really busy getting good grades and didn't have the time/inclination to meet people. Grad school can be better because it's much more tight-knit, so the potential for solid relationships is there. I hung out with two women all the time, literally all day every day, and I was great friends with them, but it just so happened they were both married the summer between senior undergrad and grad school. Engineer women usually don't stay single for long.

The key is to expand your circle of friends beyond engineering. I have a male friend that's in nursing school, and the guy/girl ratio for nursing is like the complete polar opposite of engineering. He basically has to beat the women off with a stick. Really, I think they should have social get-togethers for these two majors in college, since they match up so well together.

My fiance is an engineer and has a lot of really great friends. He dated a lot and has no problems socially. He works at an engineering company and most of his coworkers are married to very attractive women and have families. In the city I live in, engineers do very well. Some may have problems socially, but just being an enginner is not a hindrance. You need to put yourself out there no matter what your profession is.

[KCboy]

Sorry dude but if you're 21 and have never dated or kissed a girl you're probably set out for a life of virginity. I'm just being honest here.

that is complete and utter bullshit.

I was a virgin until I was 23. I think I kissed a girl in elementary school, but nothing I can recall in HS or college. I might have gone on A date or two in college, but didn't have multiple dates with the same person until I was 23.

Since turning 23 (now 28), I have had sex with at least 10 women (depending on definition), and have had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We enjoy the most amazing sex life, and she is excited by the fact that, while I know what I'm doing, there are a bunch of things out there I haven't experienced.

[KCboy]

BTW, kirkhinrich, I'm assuming you are a KU Jayhawk fan.\

Rock Chalk?

[kirkhinrich1287]

i always thought my being 21 years old and never even dated was something to be extremely worried and embarrased about, but judging from the responses here, its not too bad

There are plenty of women (and men) that choose to be a virgin until marriage and those women would not be turned off by a 21 year old virgin.

so you're implying that only virgins would want to date me?

my dating life started post college in my early 20's - and i must say it's def hard to find ppl, esp when you don't have a large network of friends

i had no high school friends and barely any college friends

Undergrad was a total dead end for me -- I was really busy getting good grades and didn't have the time/inclination to meet people. Grad school can be better because it's much more tight-knit, so the potential for solid relationships is there.

your undergrad sounds like mine. how did you meet your SO in grad school?

that is complete and utter bullshit.

I was a virgin until I was 23. I think I kissed a girl in elementary school, but nothing I can recall in HS or college. I might have gone on A date or two in college, but didn't have multiple dates with the same person until I was 23.

Since turning 23 (now 28), I have had sex with at least 10 women (depending on definition), and have had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We enjoy the most amazing sex life, and she is excited by the fact that, while I know what I'm doing, there are a bunch of things out there I haven't experienced.

so how did things change?

BTW, kirkhinrich, I'm assuming you are a KU Jayhawk fan.\

Rock Chalk?

Chicago Bulls fan, even though I'm not from Chicago

[PenforPrez]

is kind of a dead end with women. The guy/girl ratio is so severe that you have to be like the top 10% of males to get any halfway-attractive female. Undergrad was a total dead end for me -- I was really busy getting good grades and didn't have the time/inclination to meet people. Grad school can be better because it's much more tight-knit, so the potential for solid relationships is there. I hung out with two women all the time, literally all day every day, and I was great friends with them, but it just so happened they were both married the summer between senior undergrad and grad school. Engineer women usually don't stay single for long.

I attended a primarily engineering/mining school, and my experience was even worse. My college was 70% male and literally half of the women spoke no English. Engineering fields are notorious for their huge male/female imbalances. My college was named the unhappiest college in the country while I was there because there was literally no dating and almost no social life apart from the binge drinking that occurred almost constantly.

I met one single girl on campus in four years. That was all. One. And she married another engineer the summer after they graduated. So, to the OP, I definitely understand where you're coming from. I don't know if your college is primarily engineering or if it's more general, but that really would decide the question.

The key is to expand your circle of friends beyond engineering. I have a male friend that's in nursing school, and the guy/girl ratio for nursing is like the complete polar opposite of engineering. He basically has to beat the women off with a stick. Really, I think they should have social get-togethers for these two majors in college, since they match up so well together.

Yep. My alma mater has been debating for more than 10 years about putting in a nursing school for the expressed purpose of offsetting the massive gender imbalance on campus. In the olden days they had no women at all, and they used to actually bus in coeds (they particularly liked to do this with one small all-girls college in western Missouri) from hundreds of miles away for dances. :idea:

What the more socially astute guys at my college did was go to events at the huge state liberal arts school 200 miles north, which was 60% female and even more geographically isolated than the school I went to. This is still the dynamic at my alma mater, and there's just something very wrong with that.

Paul

[Bocheezu]

your undergrad sounds like mine. how did you meet your SO in grad school?

Neither of the women I hung out with were my SO (they were both married), I'm just saying that the potential was there with either of them (if they were single) just due to studying with them all day, every day. Which I realize sounds pretty pathetic to most people ("hey, I saw a girl once!"), but hey, whatever. It's grad school engineering, there's not a lot of time to go partying and meet people outside of engineering. That is still far and away your best option, though.

Grad school engineering features a few things compared to undergrad:

1. Smaller class size, obviously. We had about 20-25 grad students in my class, and you see them in every class you take because everybody is taking the same 4 courses. A simple, generic breakdown of nationalities was 1/3rd American, 1/3rd Indian, 1/3rd Chinese. Assuming you're American, you can think of it this way --

Americans are obviously what you have the most in common with and are the easiest to socialize with.

Indians a little less so, but they speak English perfectly and are pretty open to hanging out with Americans.

Chinese generally have the poorest grasp of the English language. Which is not to say that you can't hang out/study with Chinese, it's just a lot more difficult than Americans or Indians due to the language barrier. When given a choice between speaking English or Chinese, they will speak Chinese 100% of the time. They have their own social circle and it's difficult for an American to break into it, and this is true even in the working world.

So, assuming you have the same class size, you'll probably have around 7 Americans and 7 Indians that are "easy" to hang out with. We had 2 females out of that bunch, both American, and I got to know both of them very well. You can see how slim the odds of a relationship with another engineer are right off the bat, however.

2. Difficulty of the coursework. Grad school is a lot harder than undergrad, and you really need a study group to survive. Otherwise the homework/projects will just take too long and there won't be enough hours in the day to do it all. It's very hard to just sit down and brute force the coursework solo like you can in undergrad.

The grad school crowd is a lot more caring overall as well. Everybody sort of looks out for everybody else and it's not like undergrad where people get lost in the crowd. So, unless you're a total recluse, it's just natural to become good friends with everybody. The first couple weeks, there were a bunch of people that asked me if I wanted to work on homework, and eventually that turned into a large study group. There's a lot of comraderie, which is great for building a solid relationship, if either of the two women you hang out with happen to be single.

[wordsmith]

1. Smaller class size, obviously. We had about 20-25 grad students in my class, and you see them in every class you take because everybody is taking the same 4 courses.

Interesting that you mention this...my undergrad experience was that common to small liberal arts colleges, i.e. very small class size. Even our few "big" lecture hall classes were rarely more than 30 people. Typical class size was 12-15, many times, smaller, especially once you got into your major and out of the intro/survey courses. It's a big reason why I chose the school...individual attention at undergrad level. Within a major, you were pretty much seeing the same handful of people all the time...and overall, too. The whole school only at 2500 kids.

But this didn't translate to a big dating culture. Relationships were just not part of the general culture, there. It was very laid back, and people just hung out (and hooked up). But not so much on concrete relationships. Seems like small class size and lots of personal social interaction didn't really do much one way or another to foster relationships if that wasn't the prevailing culture at the school overall. Friendships were very closeknit, though.

[Bsig84]

so you're implying that only virgins would want to date me?





No, not at all! I was just trying to point out that there are plenty of people that would actually prefer a virgin to someone with a ton of experience. There are tons of women out there that would not be turned off by your lack of experience and there are also plenty that would prefer it.

[wordsmith]

Including women of a variety of experience levels.

[pawnstar3]

But this didn't translate to a big dating culture. Relationships were just not part of the general culture, there. It was very laid back, and people just hung out (and hooked up). But not so much on concrete relationships. Seems like small class size and lots of personal social interaction didn't really do much one way or another to foster relationships if that wasn't the prevailing culture at the school overall. Friendships were very closeknit, though.

But I think when people refer to college relationships it's quite different than relationships in your 20's and beyond - college relationships were more about hookups and casual things - even if it seemed more serious it most likely wasnt- the point is that most people in college seemed to hookup with lots of people but none of it seemed too serious - how many people do you know found a SO in college and is still with them in their 20's? I know maybe a few like that but they're in the minority i think

The problem is that a lot of people in their 20's still seem to have that casual approach towards dating (both men and women) - that's what makes it so hard to find a real relationship

[kirkhinrich1287]

I don't know if your college is primarily engineering or if it's more general, but that really would decide the question.


my school actually has a reputation for having a fantastic social scene and lots of hot girls, which is why i regret my college experience that much more, since i rarely got to meet those hot girls since they were never in my classes

It's grad school engineering, there's not a lot of time to go partying and meet people outside of engineering. That is still far and away your best option, though.


Chinese generally have the poorest grasp of the English language. Which is not to say that you can't hang out/study with Chinese, it's just a lot more difficult than Americans or Indians due to the language barrier. When given a choice between speaking English or Chinese, they will speak Chinese 100% of the time. They have their own social circle and it's difficult for an American to break into it, and this is true even in the working world.



whats my best option? going to grad school in engineering to meet women?

actually in my experience at junior college and then university, i got along with these immigrants the best. probably because most of them were nerds like me, so we bonded easier. yes, there was a language barrier, but they spoke english good enough that i could understand them

[KCboy]

so how did things change?

confidence.

[pawnstar3]

that is complete and utter bullshit.

I was a virgin until I was 23. I think I kissed a girl in elementary school, but nothing I can recall in HS or college. I might have gone on A date or two in college, but didn't have multiple dates with the same person until I was 23.

Since turning 23 (now 28), I have had sex with at least 10 women (depending on definition), and have had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now. We enjoy the most amazing sex life, and she is excited by the fact that, while I know what I'm doing, there are a bunch of things out there I haven't experienced.

Where did you meet these women once you turned 23? I, too, have become more confident after college but the opportunities for meeting people aren't there - if i had this confidence then , it would've been different

[Bocheezu]

whats my best option? going to grad school in engineering to meet women?

I can see how my wording was ambiguous. Obviously, grad school engineering isn't where the ladies are at. So you have to go somewhere else. That "somewhere else" part I never figured out, because once again, I was too busy to do anything about it. I had to miss football games and pull all-nighters on Fridays occasionally. It was wonderful.

[maelstorm]

I can relate to you guys. I went to university for computer science. My university was slightly more male than female but in my courses the vast majority were male. Right now I'm reluctant to even look for a job in part because I'm afraid I'll be trapped in a career path where I'll always be around mostly males. I know I'm supposed to look for girls elsewhere but I have a lot of difficulty with finding social outlets throughout my life. It's making me depressed which spirals me further away from any chance of improving myself. Sometimes I try to tell myself to just concentrate on a career and forget about dating for now (although the career part has problems in itself), but there isn't a day that goes by where I go to bed without wishing a girl was besides me. I can't help not thinking about it.

[kirkhinrich1287]

Right now I'm reluctant to even look for a job in part because I'm afraid I'll be trapped in a career path where I'll always be around mostly males. I know I'm supposed to look for girls elsewhere but I have a lot of difficulty with finding social outlets throughout my life. It's making me depressed which spirals me further away from any chance of improving myself. Sometimes I try to tell myself to just concentrate on a career and forget about dating for now (although the career part has problems in itself), but there isn't a day that goes by where I go to bed without wishing a girl was besides me. I can't help not thinking about it.

yeah, sounds just like me.

[AznHisoka]

I can relate to you guys. I went to university for computer science. My university was slightly more male than female but in my courses the vast majority were male. Right now I'm reluctant to even look for a job in part because I'm afraid I'll be trapped in a career path where I'll always be around mostly males. I know I'm supposed to look for girls elsewhere but I have a lot of difficulty with finding social outlets throughout my life.

Wow, lots of CS majors here... have you tried attending churches? And by church, I don't necessarily mean Christianity/Catholic, etc... there are lots of free thinking organizations, and universalist churches around that don't preach dogma, but is a great venue for social connections.

[KCboy]

Where did you meet these women once you turned 23? I, too, have become more confident after college but the opportunities for meeting people aren't there - if i had this confidence then , it would've been different

Let’s see…

I met some at speed dating (that was a gold-mine for me, usually got 3 or 4 dates out of it every time, unfortunately our local one went out of business), and through friends (still the best way IMO). I met one at the gym. I went to a couple events through meetup.com and had good success. Grocery store (just peak into their cart and ask a question about an item).

Actually, the places I have had the LEAST luck have been on-line dating and at bars. Other than that, I’m pretty confident I can meet and start talking to a woman anywhere I go.

[sam handwich]

Sorry dude but if you're 21 and have never dated or kissed a girl you're probably set out for a life of virginity. I'm just being honest here.



Im 23 and still a virgin, mostly by choice. My friends set me up with a girl the other day. We hit it off really well when she admitted to me that the first thing my friends told her was that I was a virgin. My jaw dropped as I thought she was put off. Nope- she said she was impressed by the fact and thought it was cool that I was waiting for the right one to come along. We have been dating since that night. In fact, ive gotten tons of admiration for this. Girls are comfortable going out with me because they know I wont pressure them.

At the same time, sure, ive met some people who claimed that its a huge turn off to find out your date is a virgin. But so what? I wouldnt want to date someone that shallow anyway!
To the OP. Ignore all of the social pressures to the best of your ability.
I would suggest prioritizing making friends over dating. Simply meeting new friends will add to your social skills as well as your networks for dating. Start small.

Clubs and bars are the worst places to meet people IMO. People tend to remain in their groups when they go to bars and if i ever went up to a woman asking, "hi, whats your name?", its as if some alarm goes off in her head that I am hitting on her and she becomes defensive.

Conversely, one of the best ways ive met girls is while i was working at my restaurant as a server. I have to be careful not to hit on the customers, however, its in the nature of my job that I should converse with the patrons and so asking about whats going on in their lives is perfectly acceptable.

[pawnstar3]

Let’s see…

I met some at speed dating (that was a gold-mine for me, usually got 3 or 4 dates out of it every time, unfortunately our local one went out of business), and through friends (still the best way IMO). I met one at the gym. I went to a couple events through meetup.com and had good success. Grocery store (just peak into their cart and ask a question about an item).

Actually, the places I have had the LEAST luck have been on-line dating and at bars. Other than that, I’m pretty confident I can meet and start talking to a woman anywhere I go.

With reference to meetup.com - what kind of functions did you attend - i notice some groups get together in my area for movies or dinner and stuff- is that the kind of thing you did?

[KCboy]

With reference to meetup.com - what kind of functions did you attend - i notice some groups get together in my area for movies or dinner and stuff- is that the kind of thing you did?

pretty much. I’ve mostly been to the ones that have to do with happy hour or wine tasting or something – I like meeting new people in a bar atmosphere with a couple glasses of liquid courage.

I (accidentally) became the organizer for one, which was actually pretty fun. Its uncomfortable to be the face of a group and have to find strangers in a crowded bar or whatever, but I think the power/social status (as little as it was) was appealing for the women of the group – when I was the organizer, I successfully dated every girl in the group I was interested in.

Most of the meetups around here are for older people, so choose wisely. But there’s no harm in going, and if you don’t like the look of the crowd you can just leave without saying anything.

I’m actually thinking of starting one to get a group together to watch some sports once the seasons start again, now that all my sports-watching buddies have moved away.

[gemma-dahl]

Im 23 and still a virgin, mostly by choice. My friends set me up with a girl the other day. We hit it off really well when she admitted to me that the first thing my friends told her was that I was a virgin. My jaw dropped as I thought she was put off. Nope- she said she was impressed by the fact and thought it was cool that I was waiting for the right one to come along. We have been dating since that night. In fact, ive gotten tons of admiration for this. Girls are comfortable going out with me because they know I wont pressure them.

At the same time, sure, ive met some people who claimed that its a huge turn off to find out your date is a virgin. But so what? I wouldnt want to date someone that shallow anyway!


This is great advice for anyone. I don't feel people should apologize for their virginity or lack of experience, or get defensive over it; rather, they should find understanding partners with whom they are compatible (and they are out there). I would date someone with less experience as long as it wasn't an issue for him.

Generally, I fared better with dating after college. During college, people were all about hook-ups. After college, I was able to find people with whom I had more in common, especially people in my neighborhood and general area. I think it's a great idea to get to know the people in your community better. I am with someone who used to be my neighbor. Never hurts to try...your perfect person might live on your block, after all! :)

With reference to meetup.com - what kind of functions did you attend - i notice some groups get together in my area for movies or dinner and stuff- is that the kind of thing you did?

I tried to start a meetup, but found that I had to pay to get it going. Is this anyone else's experience, or is it just common in smaller cities? I haven't found a meetup that I specifically care to join, so I'm going to try the professional societies instead (for friendship/networking. not dating, but same idea).

[KCboy]

I tried to start a meetup, but found that I had to pay to get it going. Is this anyone else's experience, or is it just common in smaller cities?

Yes, it costs around $70 for 6 months I think (to start one). They are free to join. Some people that start them charge a small fee for attendance, but I was never a fan of that because I didn't want to do anything to keep a person from coming (the bigger the better). After my group was established, the regulars liked it enough to throw down donations when I brought up the fact that it was time to renew.

One meetup that I went to got really popular, so the organizer actually got sponsors AND started charging fees (for membership AND attendance). The sponsors had a chance to give a “presentation” and hand out brochures for the first 20 or 30 minutes. People didn’t like that too much and the group died pretty quickly.

Most of the people I knew joined several meetup groups, and just looked through the weekly emails to see which ones they wanted to go to, if any. IME, the meetups are loosely based around the group’s topic – the members simply see it as a way to get people with possibly common interests together, even if they never really discussed the group’s theme (i.e., it was just an excuse to get together and drink)

[pawnstar3]

when I was the organizer, I successfully dated every girl in the group I was interested in.

not to sound shallow but out of curiosity, how attractive were the girls in these groups?- because the ones i've seen around my area are comprised of girls that i'm simply not attracted to even remotely

[Schecter_Guy]

I checked out some meetup groups. Most of the members were late 20's/early 30's divorcees and people that were more socially inept than me. I found it a little depressing. Actually I got to talking to one guy who was a total sleazeball. He was good for some entertainment.

[loner]

I checked out some meetup groups. Most of the members were late 20's/early 30's divorcees and people that were more socially inept than me. I found it a little depressing. Actually I got to talking to one guy who was a total sleazeball. He was good for some entertainment.

can you describe what it means for someone to appear "socially inept"?

I lack some social skills around women but I'm wondering if I appear that way

[Schecter_Guy]

can you describe what it means for someone to appear "socially inept"?

I lack some social skills around women but I'm wondering if I appear that way
Lack of interaction in a group setting and when conversation did occur it was painfully awkward.

[loner]

Lack of interaction in a group setting and when conversation did occur it was painfully awkward.

so to use one of the guys in the group as an example,
was he quiet in the group setting? he didn't say anything?

I'm not talking about the group as a whole, but on an individual basis

[AznHisoka]

Being socially inept when others are talking about trivial/dumb things is not inept at all.

[KCboy]

not to sound shallow but out of curiosity, how attractive were the girls in these groups?- because the ones i've seen around my area are comprised of girls that i'm simply not attracted to even remotely

most of the women were older, so the young hot ones weren’t OVERLY abundant.

Our events started out very small (5 to 10 people) and at the beginning there was usually one young attractive girl per event. The ones I dated were very attractive; I would have thought about approaching them from across the bar but didn’t have to because of the situation.

(I had some scary moments when I scored dates at 3 meetups in a row, but luckily they fizzled out before all of them met eachother).

I think that the older people in the group started inviting their friends, because pretty soon more older people came but the younger numbers stayed stagnant. But I can’t remember exactly because I stopped going to some of them, got a GF, and then quit the group altogether.

Although a nice byproduct from meeting the older women was that they frequently knew some young attractive single women, and would be willing to bring them along or hook you up if you mentioned you were single and they liked you.

[pawnstar3]

most of the women were older, so the young hot ones weren’t OVERLY abundant.

Our events started out very small (5 to 10 people) and at the beginning there was usually one young attractive girl per event. The ones I dated were very attractive; I would have thought about approaching them from across the bar but didn’t have to because of the situation.

(I had some scary moments when I scored dates at 3 meetups in a row, but luckily they fizzled out before all of them met eachother).

I think that the older people in the group started inviting their friends, because pretty soon more older people came but the younger numbers stayed stagnant. But I can’t remember exactly because I stopped going to some of them, got a GF, and then quit the group altogether.

Although a nice byproduct from meeting the older women was that they frequently knew some young attractive single women, and would be willing to bring them along or hook you up if you mentioned you were single and they liked you.

It seems a lot like online dating where in theory it sounds great but in practice it may not work out so well - it sounds like you have to get lucky to meet the right people- for instance, i know someone who tried it and said that mostly older creepy guys were showing up and so they stopped going - i would be all for it if there were younger women, particularly attractive ones like in your situation- that sounds great, but again i don't know how frequent that would occur- it sounds to me like you lucked out a bit

[KCboy]

It seems a lot like online dating where in theory it sounds great but in practice it may not work out so well - it sounds like you have to get lucky to meet the right people- for instance, i know someone who tried it and said that mostly older creepy guys were showing up and so they stopped going - i would be all for it if there were younger women, particularly attractive ones like in your situation- that sounds great, but again i don't know how frequent that would occur- it sounds to me like you lucked out a bit

I'm sure there is some luck involved, but you also have to check out a few of them. I’ve been to meetups for probably around 5-8 groups. Some were horrible, some were a ton of fun. It just depends on the organizer, the location, what activities it might be centered around, and who ends up coming.

In my group (and most of the fun ones IMO), we quickly developed a “core” of regulars that led the group’s conversation. That way, the other (less social) people didn’t have the pressure of a dead silent room, which frequently leads to awkward conversations. We also moved around a lot – we might get drinks and dinner one place, go to a nearby bar after, and a few people would stay up late enough to go to a dance club or something (mine were always on weeknights).

Also remember that the attendees change every even, so even for one group, one gathering can be a total failure and the next could be great.

I think its better than on-line dating because its meeting in real life (not hiding behind a computer and a self-made profile), without the precedence of “dating” to add more pressure. Sure it might take a while to find a meetup with people you want to date, but in the end its still networking, and the more people you meet the better.

[KCboy]

BTW, I met my current GF at a meetup. She wasn’t a member, but a friend brought her because she thought we would hit it off.

[kirkhinrich1287]

hmm, that meetup seems like a good idea to at least make friends, if not get a date. how are the groups that do stuff like bowling, flag football, and board games? do they have at least some people in their 20s?

[KCboy]

hmm, that meetup seems like a good idea to at least make friends, if not get a date. how are the groups that do stuff like bowling, flag football, and board games? do they have at least some people in their 20s?

I would think active groups would, but you can check out profile pics in the meetup pages.



IME, there are more older folks because its the time in life when they are getting divorced and find themselves without friends/non-married social life. Most of the younger people I met were new to the city and looking to meet people.

[Tac-Tics]

it doesnt help that i'm a 21yo male who has never even dated or had a kiss

There's no time like the present to get started.

Some people lose their virginity at age 13. Some at 26. It doesn't really matter, except to those would want to judge you (and everybody judges themselves more than anyone else). Personally, I didn't start dating until I was 19. Even then, it felt like I kept my head in the sand until I graduated at 22.




since that rejection [...] i've asked out 2-3 girls, and they also rejected me [...] i blew a chance to talk [...]

Fear of rejection is the biggest barrier in dating. It's not the rejection itself that sucks -- when you are rejected, you know to move on -- but it's the hit to your ego that causes you to panic, fuck up future attempts, miss new opportunities, and create limiting beliefs about yourself.

A bruised ego can kill your determination. One quote I really like to keep in mind in this kind of situation is a quote from Einstein:

"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving."


i heard the best way to find girls to date are girls your friends know. unfortunately, i have few friends, none of them are close friends, but plenty of acquaintances. my closest friends who go to my school are nerds like me who dont know any girls.

I think difficulties with dating is merely a symptom of a much more general problem. People like you and me (and most other people on this forum) simply haven't developed social skills to the degree that most other people have. To get good with girls, you must first get good with people.

Making friends is something I struggled with a lot when I graduated college. Though I have developed a large friend base after two years, I can't really explain how I managed it. And I'm still working on expanding it.

On one blog I read (approachanxiety.com), the author had a theory that a person can divide the things he likes into "passions" and "interests". Passions are activities you live and breath to do. Interests are things you enjoy, but are much less serious about. His idea is that, ideally, you should have one or two passions in your life, and as many interests as you can squeeze in on the side.

I have always considered myself a passionate person, but what I realized after reading that article is I had few interests. I would either go all out on something, or I'd pretend it didn't even exist. So, I decided to change that. I took up drawing, painting. I met many interesting people in the classes I took. I invested in Netflix and started paying close attention to the careers of actors (something I never did before). I took a cooking class so I would no longer be reliant on fast food (plus, I can cook for the ladies). I just finished up with a Swing dance course this week. I highly advise that last one. I got to dance with 30 lovely ladies. The lessons ended with a "graduation" ceremony at a local dance club, which presents an entirely new venue for me to explore. Next week, I start improv comedy classes.

There was no guarantee that I made any long-lasting friends from taking these classes, but now I can relate to many new kinds of people. They also make for some exciting stories that make me look like a really interesting person. (Like the time I recognized a woman in the university cafeteria one evening. I couldn't put the name or place to her face. I was walking out the door with my friend, and suddenly it hits me! She was a nude model in my figure drawing class. I didn't recognize her because she was wearing clothes!)


i created an online dating profile a couple weeks ago and have sent detailed messages about their profiles, but gotten NO responses after messaging about 50 girls

Don't let me discourage you from trying online dating out for yourself, but my experiences with it were abysmal. I used OKCupid for two years. I only got two dates out of it. One date was miserable. The other was amazing, but pretty short-lived.


plus, i'm not into picking up girls. i'd rather find my true love and get into a long term relationship

This sounds familiar.

Let me explain to you something about long term relationships and "true love". You enjoy the idea of one special girl devoting herself to you without having to think about ever losing her.

This is a fantasy. At this point in time, your life is filled with uncertainty. The appeal of a long term relationship is the stability it brings to your life. But life isn't stable. People die. Countries go to war. Stock markets crash. You forget your wallet on the bus. When you embrace instability, short term relationships don't seem like such a bad deal.


i heard college was by far the best way to meet and date girls, but if i failed in that regard, what options are left for me? i'm REALLY worried that i'll end up even worse than the 40yo virgin

Colleges are just the location. The idea is that your in an environment where you're surrounded by people your own age, in your same economic background, learning the same subjects, at an age where you have the freedom to run your own life. High school can be equally good under the right circumstances. Once you graduate, you have to share your world with people half, twice, and three times your age. When you walk around your neighborhood, no one is on the same page. It's up to you to seek out avenues where you can interact with people your own age.

Anyway, I'm late. But I got more I might post later.

[kirkhinrich1287]

I would think active groups would, but you can check out profile pics in the meetup pages.



IME, there are more older folks because its the time in life when they are getting divorced and find themselves without friends/non-married social life. Most of the younger people I met were new to the city and looking to meet people.

yeah, i was about to join this meetup group that went bowling tonight, but turns out that EVERYone going looked at least in their 40s. the other meetup group that goes bowling looks like it has people in their 20s, but it wont meet til next mon

[wordsmith]

People in their forties may know people in their twenties they'll introduce you to, though, if you become friends.

[pisces2473]

People in their forties may know people in their twenties they'll introduce you to, though, if you become friends.

Yup, an old friend of mine met her now-husband that way. It was the son of her mom's coworker's best friend. He would come visit his mom's friend (w/ that lady's son) and her mom met him...and the two ladies had her come in one time when the two guys were there, and....

HISTORY was made.

[GlassHalfEmpty]

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like most people find "real relationships" when they are least expecting it. It seems that people do all these things to meet someone of the opposite sex, but when they actually find someone, it's almost never in the way they expected or in the places they were searching. And it's certainly not going to happen WHEN you expect it. I feel like the best approach is to put yourself in social situations and expand your circle of friends. However, I don't think it's necessary to join groups and activities strictly for the purpose of meeting girls. I think that kind of stuff will happen on its own as long as you aren't a complete recluse. Not to say that going out to bars, clubs, and online dating meet-ups won't increase your chances of meeting someone. But it seems almost completely random, and whether you actively and aggressively seek it out, or you just live your life without looking for anything specifically. Do you guys agree?

[pawnstar3]

Maybe it's just me, but I feel like most people find "real relationships" when they are least expecting it. It seems that people do all these things to meet someone of the opposite sex, but when they actually find someone, it's almost never in the way they expected or in the places they were searching. And it's certainly not going to happen WHEN you expect it. I feel like the best approach is to put yourself in social situations and expand your circle of friends. However, I don't think it's necessary to join groups and activities strictly for the purpose of meeting girls. I think that kind of stuff will happen on its own as long as you aren't a complete recluse. Not to say that going out to bars, clubs, and online dating meet-ups won't increase your chances of meeting someone. But it seems almost completely random, and whether you actively and aggressively seek it out, or you just live your life without looking for anything specifically. Do you guys agree?

I do agree with this but only to an extent - for instance even when you meet someone when you least expect it, i think it still happens when you're socializing or expanding networks to some degree, even if your intention wasn't necessarily to meet someone

The 2 girls that i've been in relationships with i met in the following ways:

the first one i met because i went to dinner with a friend and her boyfriend - my friend happened to bring her roommate along without telling me and upon meeting her we hit it off and eventually started dating

the second girl (my most recent ex that i've mentioned on here a million times) i met in the following way: my sister and her ex bf were at a house party and my sister met my ex and they started to have a conversation about my ex being a lawyer and how i was considering law school etc - so eventually my ex gave my sis her number and told her to tell me to call her if i had any questions about law school, etc. -

So basically in both cases i was certainly not expecting to meet someone and i agree with you on that - on the other hand, both cases involved socializing and expanding networks - so i think the bottom line is that you have to socialize when you can and keep an open mind but don't expect to meet anyone and on the flipside don't sit around and do nothing and wait for it to happen either

[GlassHalfEmpty]

So basically in both cases i was certainly not expecting to meet someone and i agree with you on that - on the other hand, both cases involved socializing and expanding networks - so i think the bottom line is that you have to socialize when you can and keep an open mind but don't expect to meet anyone and on the flipside don't sit around and do nothing and wait for it to happen either


I think that is more or less what I was trying to say. I didn't mean that you shouldn't go out and socialize or that you don't even have to try. I was just saying that you don't have to literally revolve all of your plans and actions around the goal of "what can I do today to meet someone". I agree that increasing your network of friends and going out will definitely increase your chances of meeting someone, though, and I think that doing that is important. However, I don't think that it's necessary to do things that you would not normally do, simply for the purpose of meeting women.

[wordsmith]

Exactly - socializing for socializing's sake = good. Desperately prowling for a relationship = bad.

[Ed0214]

hmm, that meetup seems like a good idea to at least make friends, if not get a date. how are the groups that do stuff like bowling, flag football, and board games? do they have at least some people in their 20s?

Maybe in the bigger cities they do, I'm located in a smaller area. I've been involved in two meetup groups in my area. One was related to a very specific hobby that I am involved in. The people (pretty much all men) ranged in age from 18 to 75. A great group of people, we had some good conversation and I've been to several events.

The other group was targeted towards newcomers to my city/singles. Sure, there were lots of women there, but they were 15+ years older than me. And they weren't cougars.

I've often wondered what the heck it is that people in their late 20s/early 30s do for fun, entertainment, socializing, meeting new people, etc. In my area the bars are full of college kids, the good restaurants are full of people in their 40s and 50s, and people from 25 to 35 must be hiding at home or something. I think they just stick to the people they already know. Although some married couples around my age seem to have no interest in meeting anyone, in fact they have ditched most of their friends and spend all their time together.

-Ed

[wordsmith]

I've often wondered what the heck it is that people in their late 20s/early 30s do for fun, entertainment, socializing, meeting new people, etc. In my area the bars are full of college kids, the good restaurants are full of people in their 40s and 50s, and people from 25 to 35 must be hiding at home or something. I think they just stick to the people they already know. Although some married couples around my age seem to have no interest in meeting anyone, in fact they have ditched most of their friends and spend all their time together.

-Ed

My S.O. and I relocated to our current city in our late twenties/early thirties (we are 30 and 32). Most of the friends we make are offshoots of groups of people we know through our work. We get together with friends from work, they invite people they know (most of them are not transplants like we are, so they have social circles that go back further). So we meet new people and are always glad to do so, not really interested in just sticking with people we know. Were that the case, we'd never have left our respective hometowns.

What do we do for fun? Check out restaurants, go to street fairs and festivals and various community events (our area has lots), go swimming, go for drives, go to happy hour with coworkers, have people over to our house to BBQ, go to others' houses to BBQ, browse bookstores, ride our bikes, go for walks, hang out in our city's parks, etc.

We do spend the majority of our time together. Which is not to say that we're not interested in meeting other people, or that we've ditched our friends...just that it's a lot of effort to include other people, and they often flake out. So after a while, you go with what's reliable, i.e. spending time together, and if you meet others who are amenable to hanging out along the way, cool. I look at it this way...if I call any number of my friends and say, "Hey, let's go grab a cup of coffee," it may or may not happen...people have prior commitments, people are largely unmotivated, people can be jealous of their downtime, etc. But my boyfriend? He'll always go for that cup of coffee.

[larry52]

Oh please. There is no age cut off where if you are still a virgin by ____ age you will probably be one for life. Everyone meets people at different times and stages in their lives. There are plenty of women (and men) that choose to be a virgin until marriage and those women would not be turned off by a 21 year old virgin.

I recently encountered a large poll on another forum and thought of this thread. It was a poll about when people lost their virginity and had almost 500 responses. Two of the choices were:

> 25 (7 votes)
> 25 and still a virgin (36 votes)

From this poll one can extrapolate that someone who reaches the age of 25 and is still a virgin has over an 80% chance of remaining a virgin. Yes some of those will eventually have sex, but I think most people would agree that number is fairly small. If you use the age of 22 as an inflection point then only 50% of virgins at that age went on to lose it. The vast majority of people in that poll lost their virginity at age 20 or under with a decreasing frequency as ages increased.

[KCboy]

From this poll one can extrapolate that someone who reaches the age of 25 and is still a virgin has over an 80% chance of remaining a virgin.

I think a lot more than just age contributes to that trend.

and that poll isn't exactly scientific, it was a poll on a message board (that no doubt has a certain concentration of a particular type of personality)

[pawnstar3]

here's the bottom line- most people do in fact lose their virginity during their teen years - late bloomers in my opinion, lose it in their 20's - i wouldn't start thinking it was weird until someone passed the age of 30 and was still a virgin - at that point it may be hard for them to lose it since people have so much experience by that point

but to be in your mid 20's and still a virgin is not that weird- uncommon, yes - does it mean you're doomed or life - no

[KCboy]

i wouldn't start thinking it was weird until someone passed the age of 30 and was still a virgin - at that point it may be hard for them to lose it since people have so much experience by that point

I don't think its doom and gloom no matter what age you are. All you have to do is find someone who cares about you, and they won’t give two sh!ts if you are a virgin or not.

IMO, it freaks the virgin out a lot more than it freaks out other people. And that self-consciousness is what leads them to give up trying.

[pawnstar3]

I don't think its doom and gloom no matter what age you are. All you have to do is find someone who cares about you, and they won’t give two sh!ts if you are a virgin or not.

IMO, it freaks the virgin out a lot more than it freaks out other people. And that self-consciousness is what leads them to give up trying.

That's easier said than done though- unfortunately our society does put a lot of emphasis on sex and being sexually active or at least losing one's virginity- and to a degree i can agree with that - it's def weird if someone is approaching 40 for instance and hasn't had sex- i can see how someone may be put off by that- but like i said, being in your 20's and still a virgin doesn't seem to be too weird to me

[wordsmith]

I have to feel badly for people who've wholeheartedly swallowed the virginity myth, hook, line and sinker...the ones who really do buy that your whole life, outlook, the way others look at you and view you, etc. is irrevocably altered by whether or not you've had sex. Honestly, the first time you have sex, the next day you are...the exact same person. To everyone (most of whom don't know whether you've had sex, and if they did know, could care less). The loss of virginity is just so heavily mythologized culturally as a dramatic, coming of age thing. For the most part, it's just waaaaaaaaaaaaay overly romanticized and given far too much false importance. It doesn't make you a different person.

[KCboy]

most of whom don't know whether you've had sex, and if they did know, could care less

I would agree. The first time I had sex, I thought I was pretty good, and the girl didn’t seem to notice that it was my first time. Have I learned a thing or two since then? Absolutely. But some people are bad at it after years of practice, so I doubt anyone would know the difference.

Even if they did, who cares, you’re not a virgin anymore :)

[wordsmith]

Honestly, fake it if you feel like it. Nobody will know.

[pawnstar3]

but i think it's more about the individual's view on it regarding themselves - not so much that they care about what people think of them- like it or not, losing one's virginity is a big thing to the person who's still a virgin- once you've done it, then it's not a big deal- but leading up to it, it is a big deal - then you say to yourself, "that was what all the fuss was about" - it's always somewhat disappointing considering all the hype leading up to it

[kirkhinrich1287]

hmm, during my early years of college, i focused entirely on my studies and couldnt care less if i had a gf or had sex. then, one day it hit me that i missed out on alot of fun in life, so i tried hard to get a gf and it always bugged me that i was still a virgin. well a couple years later, besides my grades decreasing, things have hardly changed despite my efforts. so perhaps if i just stop wanting a gf or losing my virginity so badly, i can do better with my life and my studies.

I have no feelings at all, and it feels good... now all i think about are studies.. and i feel numb about my social life... i dont care about people who dont like me or avoid me..... i dont care about anything... the reason why i dont wna socialize is because i am silent and people are getting away from me because i dont speak up... but i dont care... i dont have a purpose for my life... id be happy if i die

[AznHisoka]

I have no feelings at all, and it feels good... now all i think about are studies.. and i feel numb about my social life... i dont care about people who dont like me or avoid me..... i dont care about anything... the reason why i dont wna socialize is because i am silent and people are getting away from me because i dont speak up... but i dont care... i dont have a purpose for my life... id be happy if i die

Can you imagine your life being better with a better social life? If so, perhaps it wouldn't hurt to broaden your horizons.

If not, perhaps you need to work on your imagination, because I seriously doubt having no social life at all will make you feel good about yourself in the long run. How do I know? Because I've been there.. for 6+ years. It was hard to admit that I was just deluding myself during all those years

[blamblamblam]

Honestly, fake it if you feel like it. Nobody will know.

What?

I don't know what sort of guys you've been with, but I can tell the difference between someone who knows what he is doing and someone who has no clue, and I don't even date virgins. There's something to be said for actual experience. And sorry to the OP, but there's no way I'd get involved with a virgin.

[wordsmith]

What?

I don't know what sort of guys you've been with...


As far as I could tell, confident, enthusiastic guys - of various experience levels.

See your PMs.