Things not going too well

[Tayl405]

I really wasn't going to post about this, but I partly need to get it off my chest, and I partly am curious to hear what others have to say...

My relationship is really on the rocks. We get along fine - great, actually - but we're more brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend. I love him dearly, and I know he loves me and is in love with me. But that certain something that needs to be in a relationship to make it romantic is missing (I'm not just talking intimacy, I guess I mean that "spark", for lack of a better word).

Things have been going on like this for awhile and as time goes on we have both been checking out. We had a long talk about it last week and it seemed like we were on the same page. We don't know what's driving us apart, but we either need to figure it out and decide to resolve it, or give up. I just don't know if it's something that resolvable.

In the interim, he suggested and I wholeheartedly agreed, that we would take a step back from each other and spend more time apart. We live and work together, and hang out together a TON, so it's hard to see things clearly when we're in the thick of it. He was supposed to spend all day yesterday with his mom and he's out of town this week for work. Perfect timing.

BUT, yesterday he laid around all morning and didn't leave for his mom's until lunchtime and got mad at me for not being affectionate or lazy with him. Then he came home early. It upset me because he made the suggestion in the first place and already didn't follow through. But then, on the other hand, I was really in a funk yesterday because I was missing when things were good and I just got really sad.

This whole thing is so complicated. I feel like we need to move on from each other. He's a great, great guy and I don't feel like I can give him what he wants and deserves out of a relationship because my heart isn't in it like it should be. But then there's the issue of living together, we have this trip to visit his family overseas in 6 weeks, our lives are so entwined (he's even visiting my family while he's away for work and helping my dad start his new business).

I love him so much and no matter what I don't want things to get nasty, but it's just so complicated...

Just needed to share. Thanks.

[pisces2473]

I'm sorry things are rough for you. How long have you guys been together?

[Empressallie]

Is this "lack of spark" a new thing for you guys? Was there ever a spark? All relationships go through phases, through ups and downs, and it's not a walk in the park all the time, that's for sure, even in the best of relationships.

Maybe you have become bored from so much routine. Maybe you guys need to shake it up with a vacation, new hobby, or a trip to a sex shop?:heehee:

[Tayl405]

We've been together for almost 2 years, living together for almost 1.

I've wondered if it's just a phase, which is what I'm wrestling with. Deep down I don't think it is, but it's so hard to let go. Especially since we get along so well.

Thanks for the replies. It's just had me down lately. Although the giant chocolate chip cookie I just got is helping. ;):

[wordsmith]

I've looked back at some of your previous posts where you talk about your relationship and you guys' household, and it seems like you've been happy, from how you write. Now, I don't know if you tend to have rose-colored glasses, and projected things better than they are, but fairly recently, the image you've projected is that things have been good. If you think that's accurate, maybe it's not time to throw out the baby with the bathwater...it might be helpful to work on the areas that are bothering you as lacking right now. Relationships do require nurturing, and there are of course phases where things ebb and flow. I have found in my own relationship that certain things we do together (for us, spending time with family is a big one, since we live fairly far from them and have to vacation to see them) is a big recharger and the time to relax with loved ones brings us closer together if we've been drifting. Complacency and routine can sneak in even when you don't realize it, and can make things seem not what they were. Try not to get discouraged by it, just recognize it when it's happening, and throw in some activities to combat it.

I'm in no way advocating staying in a failing relationship if there's no fix. But I just did want to point out that from an outsider perspective, looking back at the things you've shared in the past year, it may not be something for which there's no fix. I'd hate to see somebody close the door on something when it may not be necessary.

If you're going to do the "get some space" approach, you're fortunate that he's got a trip built in to facilitate this. We cohabit, too, and taking significant time apart isn't always a realistic option when you live with somebody. It's really hard to have true alone time when you're sharing living space, if that's what you want. His trip should give you both some distance and perspective.

[Empressallie]

You say this has been going on for some time - how long exactly? I know in the heat of an argument (or right after when you are trying to calm down) things can seem a lot worse than they really are.

So he suggested time apart, and then didn't follow through. Maybe he suggested time apart just to see your reaction to it. If he really wanted space he wouldn't have gotten upset over your lack of cuddling on Saturday morning.

Enjoy your time this week while he is traveling for work. Maybe just a little break of a week and a chance to miss one another is what you need.

[Tayl405]

Words - I really appreciate your taking the time to read into what I have written (truly). Thank you.

I have been happy, and I know it was real, but I think on some level that "spark" has always been missing. That's been my biggest inner-debate. I almost feel like we went from being boyfriend/girlfriend to best friends to brother/sister. The thing that worries me about this is that a fight didn't bring it on - nothing in particular did. It's more like we've drifted apart from each other. I've always valued my alone time - I go crazy without it - but more often I am wanting my own life. Maybe it is just a rut, and I really don't want to give up only to regret it later, but things just can't stay the way they are now and I don't know what to change to get out of it.

I guess I'll see how I feel at the end of the week when he comes back. I'm also really wrestling with this trip in October, because if things aren't better it's going to be really hard to go halfway across the world and meet his dad and family members, who undoubtedly will assume we're headed towards marriage and all that.

(And an aside, and this isn't what's driving this but it's something that I think about, I don't think I want kids and I know he does. It's not something we have discussed recently, but I feel like I would hold him back from that in the long run. But that's a whole other thread).

Thanks again for your support.

[pisces2473]

Taylor, I don't remember all of your past posts but I know that I don't remember you ever saying anything negative about him. Maybe it is a phase, and you just need some time apart. Maybe it isn't. But the only way you'll know is with time...which sucks, but then you'll definitely know for sure. I hope the time passes quickly for you--regardless of what choice comes at the end.

I know in my relationship, I need time away, and I'm married now! I had to go to a wedding by myself on Saturday (he had to work) and I was fine at first, but as the afternoon wore on I really missed him. And I'm Miss Independent--but all I wanted to do was go home and hang out...or have him show up at the wedding.

[DuckFan]

For clarity sake, can someone define "spark" for me.

It means different things to different people.

Are we talking passion? Sex? Want to make-out randomly wherever you are at?

Tingles?

Some can feel it, while the other may not.

Now I am curious about "sparks."

[Empressallie]

[QUOTE=DuckFan;567644]For clarity sake, can someone define "spark" for me.

It means different things to different people.

QUOTE]

For me sparks imply a certain excitement about a person. yes, it can be a sexual spark (being passionate/intimate with someone), but it can also be in other little moments. I think there is a spark when I wake up and I see my bf's profile while he's sleeping, how perfect his nose is and the shape of his eyes. It's that feeling of peacefullness/appreciation/awe of the other person. It's different from how you view and family member or friend.

"Sparks" are hard to describe in words, but if you are wondering if you have them for someone I am inclined to think you don't.

[Tayl405]

[QUOTE=DuckFan;567644]For clarity sake, can someone define "spark" for me.

It means different things to different people.

QUOTE]

For me sparks imply a certain excitement about a person. yes, it can be a sexual spark (being passionate/intimate with someone), but it can also be in other little moments. I think there is a spark when I wake up and I see my bf's profile while he's sleeping, how perfect his nose is and the shape of his eyes. It's that feeling of peacefullness/appreciation/awe of the other person. It's different from how you view and family member or friend.

"Sparks" are hard to describe in words, but if you are wondering if you have them for someone I am inclined to think you don't.

I agree with your definition. It's that feeling you have for only someone special - you would never have it for just a friend. It can be sexual, but it doesn't have to be. I guess it's more of a desire in general. It's hard to explain.

[ebrillblaiddes]

It's possible you may just be overdosing on each other if you're around each other a ton. That's nobody's fault, it's just a human thing. Do you (both of you) have separate hobbies that you could start putting more time into? Could you and friends have a girls' night while he has a guys' night? Those are pleasant ways to give each other some space...if the problem is too much of each other, I think that would help.

[wordsmith]

It's true...different people can have totally different needs for independent, alone time.

[Tayl405]

It's true...different people can have totally different needs for independent, alone time.

I think that's a lot of it. Actually, I know it is. The problem is that, while I think he understands that I need a significantly larger amount of time to myself than he, he doesn't get it.

I guess by the end of the week I should have a better idea of how I feel. I don't want to just give up, but I'm at the end of my rope.

[wordsmith]

Can you schedule in activities that he doesn't do? I don't have a "need for alone time" discrepancy issue in my current relationship, but if I did, the fact that I sing in a choir that rehearses twice a week and participate in craft circles (neither of these being things he's going to tag along to) would be ideal "me" time. As is the time that he spends doing distance running, which is very much not my area of strength.

If you really think it's just a matter of drawing boundaries for alone time that really suit each of your needs, that can probably be accomplished with some good communication without sacrificing the relationship. Or at least tried, you know?

[Tayl405]

I hope that's all it is. It is worth trying though!

I am thinking that I'll give it until after our trip in the fall, and if things don't get better (esp. on vacation!), then I guess I know.

Thanks again, guys.

[pawnstar3]

From personal experience, when a spark is gone (or it was never really there) a relationship is usually doomed to fail - You're not talking after 30 years of marriage and the spark is gone - 2 years is not that long, esp with only 1 year of living together- and both of you are on the same page that you need a break- when ppl go on breaks, things usually don't last- i have personal experience with that

If things can be worked out, then i don't think taking a break will help those things- you should either work on things together, or decide to give up totally

[spiritedaway]

Was the spark there at one point?

If so, then it's possible that spending too much time can be an overkill. Maybe some alone time may help you to miss him?

Or maybe your feelings have changed over time and you're in one of those you love him, but you're not in love with him kind of thing?

[Tayl405]

Ok, we just talked and we officially broke up. I took my time - a few weeks or so - and I've decided that this relationship isn't fulfilling enough for me and it's time to move on.

I actually feel really relieved. I feel like I went through the grieving process before it happened... now it just feels good to have spoken my mind and to have everything out in the open.

It went really well, considering. He was upset, but I think we both were prepared for this, and we both care immensely for each other and want everything to go as amicably as possible. He's going to work on finding somewhere to live, but there's no rush. I decided not to go to Turkey with him because I don't want to take time away from his with his dad and his family. If it were just us going on vacation that would be different, but he hasn't seen his dad in 6 years and I don't want to take ANY of that time away now.

Just had to share... I've been sick to my stomach for weeks and not acting like myself. I feel like I can finally breathe again. It's a horrible situation, but it's all for the best in the long run...

Thanks again...

[ugarachel82]

Wow. You sound really healthy considering. I'm sorry to hear of your breakup, but you know yourself best (we all do) and glad to hear you are listening to your self and filling your wishes first. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the move-out process.

[DaneCA]

Wow, Taylor. I must have missed this thread when you first posted. I'm really sorry to hear about your break-up, but I'm glad you're doing well, or as well as can be expected. It sounds like it was for the best. Good luck! If I lived near you, I'd take you out for a newly-single girl drink! :)

[Tayl405]

Thanks, guys.

I know you just went through something similar, Dane. It's tough, isn't it? I could definitely use a newly-single girl drink!! :)

[CoolAZN]

Thanks, guys.

I know you just went through something similar, Dane. It's tough, isn't it? I could definitely use a newly-single girl drink!! :)

If I was a girl, sure I would have gotten you a drink and a GG special at Gianna's :p

Glad that you were true to yourself and both of you guys are moving on with your life.

Take care and good luck.

[DaneCA]

Thanks, guys.

I know you just went through something similar, Dane. It's tough, isn't it? I could definitely use a newly-single girl drink!! :)

Well, I have always wanted to visit Philadelphia! :)

In all seriousness, though, yeah, I did go through something kind of similar recently, and like you, I actually felt really relieved once things were over. We deserve to be with guys who are right for us, not just guys who make us happy sometimes. For me, the hardest part has been not having my ex-boyfriend in my life at all, but he said a friendship would be too difficult so avoidance is really our only option. Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve been talking for the first time since we broke up, and it was SO difficult to turn him down when he asked to see me. It sucks losing your best friend, but you guys seem to have ended things on pretty good terms, so hopefully an eventual friendship is a possibility for the two of you. You mentioned that you guys work together – how is that going?

[Tayl405]

Well, I have always wanted to visit Philadelphia! :)

We deserve to be with guys who are right for us, not just guys who make us happy sometimes.

You mentioned that you guys work together – how is that going?

I really like the way you phrase that. It's so true.

We've only been here for a few hours so far today, so it hasn't felt any different. We really don't have anything to do with each other at work, so I'm less worried about on the job and more worried about things like happy hours and hanging out with mutual work friends. It's a young company and we all hang out a lot... I don't want that to get awkward.

It IS going to be hard to give up his friendship, even if only temporarily. That's always been the hardest part about breaking up for me, in all of my previous relationships.

[hoodie]

Hi Taylor,
Glad you were able to find a definitive solution and put your mind at rest. You do deserve to be with someone right for you, as Dane said.
I hope coping continues to go well for you, and if it doesn't we're here for you!

[pisces2473]

Wow. Taylor, I am pretty impressed with how well this is going for you. I hope things continue to go well!

[NikkiNZ]

Hey Taylor - Just came across your post and it really resonated with me. Although I fear my situation may be even more complicated...If you looked over my past posting history you'd see that I recently completed my Masters thesis on the quarter-life crisis, but it seems that even studying it in detail for several years doesn't make you immune to it...I've been with my partner for a bit over 7 years now (I'm 26), we've lived together for 4yrs, owned a house together for 3yrs and all of a sudden I'm feeling like we're at a cross-roads...All my mates are starting to marry their partner's of like 2 or 3 years, and they keep asking when I'm gonna take the leap...My partner kinda casually asks me to marry him about once a month but I just sort of laugh it off, I just don't know. Since finally handing in my Masters thesis in March this year I've suddenly had time to think and I'm not sure...What has compounded the situation is that I've recently become quite attracted to a guy I work with (who has also recently broken up with his fiance...and it definately feels like there could be something there..). I find I've been kind of backing off from my relationship recently, and have told my partner I feel we're at a bit of a crossroads, but he just kind of shuts-down when I talk to him about how I feel and acts as if nothing has changed afterwards. I don't know whether it's just the '7-year itch' or whether it's time to move on...My god this has turned into quite the mini-essay - can tell I'm new to this posting business! How's things going for you now BTW?

[Tayl405]

Nikki - I can only imagine how much harder it would have been for me to be in this position after 7 years of being together. It was hard after 2! I think what hit home the most was that I started wanted to not be around him. It started off in that "we spend too much time together and I need a break" kind of way and turned into "ugh, why can't I just go out and live my own life". The more time went on, the less I wanted to be around him. We went from having a blast together to just going through the motions. We used to sit and talk for HOURS and not get bored, and then it got hard to hold a 10 minute conversation. Not sure if any of that sounds familiar to your relationship, but those were some major clues that things weren't going well. Plus there was a HUGE lack of intimacy.

But I've known people who have gotten to the point you are at (including being attracted to someone else) and it's worked out in the end. A friend of mine was with someone for years, through college and after, and she was pushing to get married. It kind of freaked him out I guess, and he had a little fling with another girl. It didn't last long between them and I guess it made him realize how much he loved his gf because they recently got married and had a kid and he's so happy.

I don't remember if someone said it on here, or if I read it somewhere, but I heard "what would you wonder about more: sticking with the relationship and not exploring other possibilities, or giving up on the relationship only to wonder if it would have worked out in the end?" Whoever said that (thanks to whoever it was!) really helped give me some clarity and over time I realized that I would regret not exploring other possiblities much more than I would regret breaking away from this relationship.

It's a tough spot to be in, I know. PM me if you want to chat! And things are going really well now... I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I have so much ahead of me in life. :)

[KCboy]

All my mates are starting to marry their partner's of like 2 or 3 years, and they keep asking when I'm gonna take the leap...

is your problem with the guy, or simply the fact that you aren't sure if or when he will get serious about marrying you?


I read somewhere that men don't get married because they meet someone they love, they get married because they reach a point in their life when they are ready to get married, and (as bad as it sounds) they pretty much marry whomever they are with at the time.

I, personally, think that this difference between men and women is a significant cause for the high rate of divorce and cheating. The woman gets to the point in a relationship when society has convinced her that she should be married (IME around 2 years) and pressures the guy into marriage. After the excitement wears off, he realizes he wasn't ready.