Living together after breaking up

[Tayl405]

So far it's been going alright since we really haven't spent much time at home together, but I'm worried that things could get ugly. I'm very ready to move on and I am happy about this break up, whereas he was more wanting and willing to work on the relationship and try to make it work.

Any advice as to how to live together until he finds a new place? We have separate bedrooms, so that makes it a little easier. And we're being respectful to each other and letting each other know if we're going out, staying out late, etc. Anything else that might make this transition smooth??

[Echo]

Make sure he doesn't stalk you like my ex stalks me :eek:

[Samwell]

I'd make sure he's actually taking steps to find a new place (if that's how you decided to handle things). If he was unhappy about the breakup it would be easy for him to not make it a priority, hoping that proximity might somehow lead you to change your mind. Is there a deadline for this?

Having been in a very similar situation I can say that the sooner you have some distance between you, the better. Especially for him. As the dumper you had the benefit of preprocessing the a lot of the break up feelings and are already in the "excited about the future" phase. He's likely not, and mixing the two emotional states under one roof will only serve to torture him and annoy you.

[Tayl405]

That's what I'm worried about. I definitely grieved the relationship before it ended, but he's doing that now.

He's going to Turkey in less than a month to visit his dad. He'll be there for 2 weeks. I know he doesn't have the money to move out before then and I want him to enjoy the time with his dad since he hasn't seen him in 6 years (and his dad is in his 70s). I said we can discuss it when he gets back. That also gives him a month and a half to save up money. Rent isn't cheap around here and he'll have to put down first and last months' rent, the security deposit, and replace almost an entire apt (he got rid of most of his stuff when he moved out). Maybe December 1st? That gives him 3 months to save up and find a place. I really don't want to give him a deadline unless I feel like he isn't looking though... Maybe we'll sit down and talk about it this weekend.

[winneythepooh7]

Or YOU could always move out. Just another "option".

[DaneCA]

Yikes, that's tough. I agree that you shouldn't give him a deadline because he was probably caught off-guard by the break-up and it's kind of adding insult to injury to force him out before he's ready. It sounds like the situation is going as well as can be expected so far, anyway. But I also think that he should be making a visible effort to look for a new apartment as soon as he gets back from his trip and has the money to move. You don't want him wishing/hoping there's a possibility for a reconciliation, and living together will definitely prolong the pain of the break-up for both of you. Good luck!

[Tayl405]

Or YOU could always move out. Just another "option".

My apartment is part of my deal through work (rent was halved in lieu of a raise one year) and I get free cable and internet. And everything in here is mine (I've lived here for years, he just moved in a year ago). Otherwise I would definitely consider it.

I think I'll bring it up this weekend and feel him out. I think as long as he is showing an effort, I will feel ok about it. I just dont want it to get uncomfortable, which it inevitably will.

I also just booked a trip to my parents' house, so there is one more long weekend that I will be out of town. I guess it's good to keep out of each others' way...

[hoodie]

I was going to suggest something like that, but you are already on it. If you can go out of town or stay with folks/friends and spend less time living together, that's a good call.

Also, one way to get him moved out without seeming like a b*tch would be to offer to help with the apt. search by saving ads for him or something. It's something you can do from a distance and be helpful while still pushing the move.

It's awkward, though. I had a friend go through something really similar. They broke up right after signing a year lease too. :exclaim:

[Tayl405]

Also, one way to get him moved out without seeming like a b*tch would be to offer to help with the apt. search by saving ads for him or something. It's something you can do from a distance and be helpful while still pushing the move.



I never thought to do that, but that's a good idea. I'll have to figure out how to do it without seeming like I'm kicking him out, but I'll give it a shot. Thanks!

[analogman]

I agree with the helping him move out as soon as reasonably possible. You might want to consider helping him save up the deposit or first/last month rent. It'll help both of you move on faster that way.

It would be good if you stay mum on all details of any prospective new romance. I think that can be pretty risky to things getting ugly. You want him to grieve the relationship and move on; you don't want to accidentally provoke him or make him jealous and cause him to not move out just to spite you.

PS: Sorry to hear your relationship ended, but it sounds like you are dealing well with it and comfortable with the decision, which means it was probably the right one for you.

[Tayl405]

We just talked about it a little bit ago (he brought it up). He said he's been looking for an apartment, even calling around, but he can't find anything affordable. He's also simultaneously looking for a new job, which makes it a little harder because he won't know his income or where he'll be working, but at least he's making an effort. Worst case, he said, he'll move in with his mom or with a friend until he can find a job/apartment. I told him I would help look and he didn't seem offended.

I also told him I'm afraid he's going to get angry (once he moves out of the sad phase) and he said he might. I told him that if that happens, he's got to go. We can only live in this transitional phase if we're being civil and getting along. He agreed.

Phew... Sometimes I guess I worry for nothing!