long distance relationships?

[yogaflame13]

Okay, so I have been involved with this girl off and on for the past couple years, but then we decided to make our relationship official this past May. We get along wonderfully and all that, but she has one more year of school in another state. After that, she is planning on moving to where I am for a year (living with parents) before she goes to law school/grad school.

Of course one problem is, what happens after that? She definitely does not want to live in California (where I am). I am not necessarily opposed to moving where she winds up going to school but obviously, that would be a big step.

Today she told me she really doesn't want to move back to CA and is going to try to stay where she is instead, though her parents probably will make her move to CA for the year anyway.

She seems to have a lot of issues with relationships, as she is very pessimistic about them succeeding and is going to put her career first and never will let a person be a factor in where she lives/works/goes to school.

On one hand, we are constantly talking to each other on the phone/facebook/text, and we get along very well, and she always tells me how much she enjoys and appreciates me and loves me, but on the other hand, I don't know if I should be seeing all of this as a giant red flag that says this will never work out and its going to be really really bad when it doesn't.

I am by nature an optimistic person, so my attitude has been we will get through this last year of school and then we will have a year in the same state, and we will see what happens after that.

But at the same time, it really sucks that we don't get to do the day to day stuff together, and she has a LOT of guy friends, including one that she met while I was visiting her a few weeks ago, and he pretty much hit on her in front of me, and now they are hanging out too. I definitely trust HER, but I don't know about these other guy friends (hell, I have been in that situation before!). Does all of this sound as potentially bad as I am starting to think it does, or should I just stick with my original optimistic train of thought and just try not to sweat any of this and see what happens in 2 years? I mean, 2 years is a while.

[winneythepooh7]

To be honest, I think there should also be a little bit of compromise on her end regarding your wants (i.e. in terms of where one wants to live). I also feel that career is important, but your relationship should be important to her as well. From the way I read your post, this girl kinda sounds like she wants everything to be all about her in the relationship. ETA: I can only speak about myself, but it has been my experience in regards to LDR's, that they often seem a lot more "intense" then they really are because of the distance factor, and lack of being around each other much. Sometimes people fall for the whole romanticism of them, when there are so many underlying issues that often deem you both pretty non-compatible, and prolong an inevitable break-up.

[OnionBelt]

While I wouldn't drop the relationship altogether, based on your description of the situation, I would probably start attempting to divest emotionally. It sounds like she may not value the relationship and whatever potential it could have as much as you do. A lack of reciprocity along with the knowledge that she may be fulfilling emotional needs with other guys is a recipe for resentment and bitterness if it goes on for long. It sounds as though she's getting what she needs from things just as they are and she's fine with them staying that way whereas you're looking for the relationship to grow.

I think you probably know all of this already based on how you couched the question and I think you're right to be questioning these things. Like you said though, at least you have some time to let things shake out before letting it dictate any major decisions.

[Krishna]

While the LDR part doesn't bother me, saying "She seems to have a lot of issues with relationships, as she is very pessimistic about them succeeding and is going to put her career first and never will let a person be a factor in where she lives/works/goes to school" is a problem for me. You need to believe the relationship can work and be willing to compromise a bit...

[wordsmith]

While the LDR part doesn't bother me, saying "She seems to have a lot of issues with relationships, as she is very pessimistic about them succeeding and is going to put her career first and never will let a person be a factor in where she lives/works/goes to school" is a problem for me. You need to believe the relationship can work and be willing to compromise a bit...

Agreed. I'm living proof that LDRs can work in instances where both parties commit and compromise and agree upon the details surrounding becoming non-LDR. But the points highlighted above are often the death knell for many a relationship, LDR or not. A relationship can't ever be successful if it's strictly about what only one person wants and needs.

[yogaflame13]

Yeah I hear that. We have had a few conversations that seemed to half-jokingly allude to how things would be if we broke up, and if we would be friends and all that, but she always emailed me the next day apologizing and saying that she thinks things are going very well and has no complaints, but that she is just very insecure about relationships and always assumes that they will never "work out." I told her I feel that, but I hope that she can find a way to be more optimistic about such things, and she said she hopes she can too.

It's just weird cause, on one hand, nothing is "wrong" per se, it's just that I guess I want to feel like this does have the potential of going somewhere since we get along so well, and it IS going very well, aside from the whole not knowing we will wind up in the same place at some point thing. I always figured that after this school year ends, we will have a year living in the same place to figure this stuff out one way or the other, but now that she told me she doesn't want to move back here and that she is going to try to just stay where she is, I feel crappy about it. She basically said there is no way her parents will let her, but just the fact that she is really asking kinda speaks volumes to me, unless I am just overanalyzing stuff. She has been commenting to me a lot lately about how she has been more social with her friends so far this year and is enjoying that a lot, and feels like her life is there, so I'm not sure if that has something to do with it too. Grrr...I am normally a calm guy, but I feel like taking a few shots of something strong just to get out of myself. :P

[wordsmith]

I always figured that after this school year ends, we will have a year living in the same place to figure this stuff out one way or the other, but now that she told me she doesn't want to move back here and that she is going to try to just stay where she is, I feel crappy about it. She basically said there is no way her parents will let her, but just the fact that she is really asking kinda speaks volumes to me, unless I am just overanalyzing stuff. She has been commenting to me a lot lately about how she has been more social with her friends so far this year and is enjoying that a lot, and feels like her life is there

Ooof, not a good thing....how old is she?

I'm sure - scratch that - I KNOW my parents were sad to see me move from 6 miles from them to 500 miles from them when my SO and I decided to close the gap...but they were also completely happy for me, and treated me as the adult I was making a decision that was best for me...even though they miss me.

The truth is, some people are drawn to LDRs in large part BECAUSE they like the ability to hold the relationship at arm's length. It sounds like that's a possibility in your situation. She's bringing up all kinds of reasons not to close the gap, and all of that does speak volumes...the truth is that she may have no desire to. She may not be ready for a traditional relationship, and is using your scenario as a "sort-of" relationship (it's minimally invasive, doesn't require her to alter anything in her life, etc.), and doesn't want that to change. If that's the case, that kind of sucks, because it sounds like you're treating it as you would any relationship.

[yogaflame13]

Ooof, not a good thing....how old is she?

I'm sure - scratch that - I KNOW my parents were sad to see me move from 6 miles from them to 500 miles from them when my SO and I decided to close the gap...but they were also completely happy for me, and treated me as the adult I was making a decision that was best for me...even though they miss me.

The truth is, some people are drawn to LDRs in large part BECAUSE they like the ability to hold the relationship at arm's length. It sounds like that's a possibility in your situation. She's bringing up all kinds of reasons not to close the gap, and all of that does speak volumes...the truth is that she may have no desire to. She may not be ready for a traditional relationship, and is using your scenario as a "sort-of" relationship (it's minimally invasive, doesn't require her to alter anything in her life, etc.), and doesn't want that to change. If that's the case, that kind of sucks, because it sounds like you're treating it as you would any relationship.

She is 21, almost 22.

It's funny cause when we met a couple years back, neither of us was wanting a relationship because we were both getting out of sticky situations, relationship-wise. But then she decided that she really liked me and wanted a relationship. So we did the LDR thing for 3 months and I decided to break it off cause it wasn't working for me. But we kept in touch and kept hanging out when she was in town and eventually got back together.

She was living in texas, but her parents moved to CA, and forced her to come with them, that is how we met. But then they allowed her to return to Tx to finish school. They (her and her family) do not like CA and don't want to stay, but her parents will stay till her bro finishes high school in a couple years. They want her to move "home" to CA after she graduates because she wants to take a year off before going to law school. She has never wanted to live in CA after that though, and will likely wind up on the east coast. I have always known this, but felt like it wasnt for 2 years, and we both kept saying that at least we will have a year together and see what happens after that.

When she told me yesterday she was going to try to stay in texas for her year off (but that she doubted her parents would let her), it kinda freaked me out a little, she kinda jokingly said "I don't know what WE'RE gonna do."

Again, we have been getting along great, and she calls me/texts me, etc. a lot and she told me she loves me and all this stuff, and I don't think there are any other guys or anything like that, but maybe she really is just not comfortable having a "relationship" or something?? I don't get it at ALL!

[Tayl405]

I am a little bit confused as to why her parents need to "let" her stay somewhere. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. Do you think she is using them as an excuse (even though it works in your favor, so that doesn't really make sense)?

[yogaflame13]

I am a little bit confused as to why her parents need to "let" her stay somewhere. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. Do you think she is using them as an excuse (even though it works in your favor, so that doesn't really make sense)?


Ahh...well her parents kinda run her life...her dad is 1st generation Indian and her mom 2nd generation so her family functions a bit differently, i.e. more strictly, pretty much make a lot of decisions for her. She has battled it her whole life pretty much, but is just doing what they tell her to do now because she is tired of fighting their will. Yeah, it doesn't sound fair, but I don't come from the same cultural background as her, so I can't truly relate...She says it's not as bad as it could be, but it is still the way it is.

[Tayl405]

Ahh...well her parents kinda run her life...her dad is 1st generation Indian and her mom 2nd generation so her family functions a bit differently, i.e. more strictly, pretty much make a lot of decisions for her. She has battled it her whole life pretty much, but is just doing what they tell her to do now because she is tired of fighting their will. Yeah, it doesn't sound fair, but I don't come from the same cultural background as her, so I can't truly relate...She says it's not as bad as it could be, but it is still the way it is.

Ok, that makes more sense. Maybe she doesn't want to come back because she wants to break away from them? Does she want you to move to wherever she is?

[sondra_finchley]

Someone else on here has a difficult relationship situation as well with a gentleman of South Asian extraction that is all directly related to family pressures and family expectations. Are her parents aware of your relationship? If things were to optimally work out in the long-haul, would they be accepting of you or do they have say over that part of her life as well?

Part of making a LDR work is knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel that is agreed upon by both parties and that each person is working towards that end for the good of the relationship. I think thats what words was sort of alluding to in her post (or maybe Im reading that knowing her past with LDRs). An indefinite LDR with no direction or plans- as yours currently looks- isnt much of a relationship and one or both parties can wake up one day and think "what the hell am I doing this for?". If shes not ready to settle down to what she wants to do and where she wants to do it then thats ok, but dont twist yourself into a pretzel to try and make things work when its just not going to due to family pressures, career choices, personal decisions, etc.

(I speak from experience!)

[yogaflame13]

Ok, that makes more sense. Maybe she doesn't want to come back because she wants to break away from them? Does she want you to move to wherever she is?

Well, she always says "why can't you move to texas?!?" and stuff like that, and we always talk about how it's not fair that we don't live in the same place, but she says she would feel bad if I were to move to wherever she winds up living if things didn't work out.

Actually, her main reason for wanting to move back to CA with her parents after school was to work on their relationship. But when I reminded her of that yesterday she said she feels like things have gotten better anyways, so why not try to stay in texas...

We have discussed our relationship in regards to her parents a LOT. It seems like they would be accepting if I met their criteria or whatever, but I think with them dating is more of a means to an end (marriage) and she is NOT ready to get married anytime soon...neither am I, although, where we differ is, I would like to remain optimistic about maybe there is a possibility that one day we *could* get married assuming things continue going well, whereas she just assumes that they won't and we will break up. Every time we talk about this, she always apologizes for being negative and says she has nothing to complain about in the relationship.

I guess there are just a lot of issues here lol.

[Tayl405]

When is the next time you will see her? This may be a conversation you guys need to have in person, so you can better gauge her feelings and reactions. If she has doubts, she should discuss them with you and be honest.

It almost sounds to me like she is getting out there and experiencing life and realizing that there is a lot out there that she wants to explore before settling down. She is young. How old are you? Obviously I don't know her, or you, or your relationship, but from personal experience that's what it sounds like to me.

[yogaflame13]

I am 29, so there is an 8 year age difference. I know it's cliched, but she is very intelligent and well-traveled for someone her age...that is one thing that makes us get along so well. If she wasn't that way, the age difference may indeed be too much lol.

As I said, she loves traveling and yeah she does want to keep traveling and explore the world and all that, but there's no reason she can't do that while we are dating right? I mean, it's not like marriage is eminent or whatever.

I can see where you're coming from thinking that the relationship would hold her back, but every other indication I have gotten doesn't seem to say that, unless she had an epiphany in the past 2 days that changed her mind...

I actually am going to visit her for a 4 day weekend next month.

[DaneCA]

Yogaflame, I think my boyfriend in college could have written your posts about me! Except for the cultural thing and the fact that you guys have multiple states between you, the situations are really similar. The problem areas in your relationship that others have pointed out (significant age difference, long distance, her unwillingness to compromise, the fact that she isn't ready to settle down, her insecurity about relationships, etc.) all applied to me in my relationship, as well, and those are the main reasons we broke up. And honestly, I've regretted it ever since. I missed out on a great guy because I was young and selfish. The good news is, though, that my ex and I always stayed in touch even after we got out of our self-destructive on/off phase, and now that we're finally in the ideal situation to pursue a relationship again, that's what we're doing. There's no guarantee that things will work out, but sometimes a little (or a lot of) time off is what a couple needs to see how important you are to one another.

I'm not saying you guys have to break up. But speaking from personal experience, "getting along great" isn't enough to make a relationship work when the odds are stacked against you. She needs to be more 50/50 and you can't push her to be that way because she will only resent you for it in the future.

[yogaflame13]

Haha, well I appreciate the shared story there, I'm glad you guys got things worked out eventually.

I'm not really sure what to do...I haven't gotten any signs that she is going to break it off at this point. Although I'm not sure if her telling me she doesn't want to move back to CA for her off year was her way of trying to make ME think about calling it off myself. Or maybe I'm waaaay over analyzing this. :P

When push comes to shove I guess I will find out how "selfish" she is being, and how much our relationship actually does mean to her. Unfortunately I guess these are things I will have to approach with a wait and see attitude. Unless she calls me and breaks up with me today or something. Hopefully I didn't just jinx myself. :P

[Agadefe]

I agree with the people who have said that there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel for an LDR to work out.

If she is so pessimistic about it working out why is she even in an LDR? Genuinely I think the only reason people get into them is because they see it working out in the future so are willing to deal with it in the present. Not saying that you aren't a great guy, but wouldn't it make more sense for her to date someone closer, or at least not date anyone at all and just be free?

I think it is a good idea to start distancing yourself from this girl immediately. Only you can really decide for yourself what you want to do though. No amount of people telling you that it might end poorly is going to make a difference if you still see the relationship in a positive light.

[yogaflame13]

I agree with the people who have said that there needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel for an LDR to work out.

If she is so pessimistic about it working out why is she even in an LDR? Genuinely I think the only reason people get into them is because they see it working out in the future so are willing to deal with it in the present. Not saying that you aren't a great guy, but wouldn't it make more sense for her to date someone closer, or at least not date anyone at all and just be free?

I think it is a good idea to start distancing yourself from this girl immediately. Only you can really decide for yourself what you want to do though. No amount of people telling you that it might end poorly is going to make a difference if you still see the relationship in a positive light.

Well, the whole thing just kinda happened...we met at work, when neither of us was wanting a relationship (2 years ago) but there was a spark there, and it kinda turned into an off and on thing, and then we made it official cause we were both so happy. She has always had a ton of guys where she lives trying to ask her out and confessing their feelings for her, but she says no one has made her as happy as I have (not to get all mushy) and so she says she would rather have this LDR with me than not have it at all. I feel the same way she does too.

You're right though, the thing is, we just don't know what will happen in the future. About all we know is that she graduates undergrad this year, and then is taking a year off before she goes to law/grad school. I guess I figured at that point (2 years from now), we would either both move wherever she was going to go to school (probably the east coast, or maybe texas if she doesn't get into a school from the east coast) or we would break up. I guess we could continue the LDR thing too, but we would need to have a plan in place for it to NOT be an LDR at some point!!

To add to all this, she has been having a really rough patch lately, with her grandpa dying (they were very close) and she is likely depressed because of that. THis has added to her anxiety about everything (life, school, relationships, etc), so I am trying to be there for her and not take any negative stuff she says as serious (as she has told me too as well).

[yogaflame13]

As an update, we had a pretty long talk about the "future" today, and basically decided that we are both happy with things as they are now, and are more than willing to keep on doing what we have been doing for the next 2 years, but at that point (when she leaves for grad school) we will have to decide what is going to happen. She is thinking she will study abroad for a 12 month masters program. So, I guess at that point, we will either return to a year-long LDR after having a year together (she says she is 98% sure she will be in CA for her year off), or if she decides she wants to explore the world as a single person, we will break up at that point. The point that we both came to was that, 2 years from now is quite a while, and we both have no idea how we will feel in 2 years...or if we will even make it 2 years. She says that she does care about our relationship and hopes that things continue as well as they are, but again, there are no guarantees what she will feel like in 2 years. I feel like that is a logical response...

[DuckFan]

Yoga,

I want to get this right.

So, you two are going to wait around for 2-years, at which point, you still aren't sure if anything will happen.

That seems pretty painful to me.

Why don't you guys both live your lives and then in two-years, if you are both single, and still care for each other, re-evaluate and see where you are both out.

It just seems like a lot of heartache, and waiting around with no guarantee of anything.

Her words also seem to suggest that she is constantly leaving herself an out. "98% sure." "See if feelings still exist" etc.

Life is short, is all I am saying.

Good luck. I know I couldn't do it.

[yogaflame13]

I'm not sure what you mean by "if anything will happen." ??

I mean, things HAVE been happening, it has just been an LDR, and we will most likely wind up living in the same area for a year before she leaves for grad school.
I see what you're saying about her having an "out" but can you honestly say how you would feel about any relationship a year or 2 down the line? Maybe it would be more comforting to have her say "sure, if we're still together in 2 years we can just continue things while I study abroad for a year" instead of what she said, but I think she is just being realistic...I'm not sure you can say for sure how you will feel about anything in 2 years.

[DuckFan]

Yoga,

That's my point. You are waiting around, only to "hopefully" move near each other, and then, only for a year, before she leaves again.

Is that a slow-torture?

I guess LDR's aren't my thing. I need to see the person consistently, and I would not want to put my "relationship-life" on a two-year hold. Just seems like you are hurting yourself in the end.

[yogaflame13]

I hear ya. I guess since we have been in this situation for 2 years already and we both really enjoy each other, it has been preferred by both of us to do this, rather than not have each other in our lives at all. So we are used to seeing each other for a week or 2 every couple months. It is not ideal, but under the circumstances it works.

The crux, as you (and others) see it (including myself) is that, for this to ultimately transfer into a "normal" relationship, there needs to be a point in time where we decide we are going to move in the same area.

In all likelihood, we will be in the same area for a year, which would be great, but then after that she will study abroad for a year. I can see how this sounds bad, but a year isn't horrible, since we have operated this way for 2 years so far anyways, and we would probably visit each other a couple times, but it still would be hard.

I can totally see the whole "why bother doing this right now" argument, but I love her, and just dropping the whole thing doesn't seem desirable to me, especially when we likely will be in the same place for a year in the near future anyway. I dunno, it is a tough situation...

[wordsmith]

Speaking for myself, two years would be a long time for me to wait for a "maybe."

[yogaflame13]

I understand. Actually between all of your guys' responses on this thread and some friends I have talked to about it, I think I am getting pretty close to putting this whole thing in perspective. :)

[pawnstar3]

listen - it's SOOOO much easier to give other people advice when you're on the outside than to take advice from the inside of the situation- we can all sit here and say how we wouldn't put up with this etc, but if you're the one in the relationship it's not so easy - when it came to my ex, it didnt matter how many people told me to end it or get out if it because that's something you have to figure out on your own- also, everyone is very hypocritical when it comes to giving advice- they tell you to end things and yet they're in extremely unhealthy relationships of their own - deep down you know the answers to your own life and you need to follow what your head is telling you to do

[DuckFan]

listen - also, everyone is very hypocritical when it comes to giving advice- they tell you to end things and yet they're in extremely unhealthy relationships of their own -

Yes, pawnstar, since we are buddies and all.

Keep up with the hyperbole.

[gemma-dahl]

I guess LDR's aren't my thing.

They're not for everyone - just like any sort of arrangement, be it an open marriage, casual dating, having kids, you name it!

I tried one, it was unsuccessful, and I won't do it again. The only circumstances under which I will do an LDR is when I'm already exclusive with someone and one of us moves with the other to follow within an established time-frame. If my partner and I ever re-located, a temporary LDR would almost certainly be necessary.

[wordsmith]

I have had LDRs that didn't work out, and my current relationship started out as an LDR where we closed the gap as soon as we both knew we were committed to building a future together (pretty early on). We've lived together for two years (and four days!) and as of today, took another step in building our future with the purchase of our first home. But, yeah, I've been in LDRs where there was no real intent to make it a serious relationship. They're not all like that, though.

[yogaflame13]

I have had LDRs that didn't work out, and my current relationship started out as an LDR where we closed the gap as soon as we both knew we were committed to building a future together (pretty early on). We've lived together for two years (and four days!) and as of today, took another step in building our future with the purchase of our first home. But, yeah, I've been in LDRs where there was no real intent to make it a serious relationship. They're not all like that, though.

Congrats on the home purchase that's exciting. :)

[ebrillblaiddes]

where we differ is, I would like to remain optimistic about maybe there is a possibility that one day we *could* get married assuming things continue going well, whereas she just assumes that they won't and we will break up. This would bother me...I can understand facing the reality that a relationship's odds of being permanent don't hit coin toss level until the couple makes it to the altar, but I still think it's important to be open to the possibility of things working out. If you actually expect it to fall apart, there's not much motivation there to put in the effort that it takes to make it work.
In all likelihood, we will be in the same area for a year, which would be great, but then after that she will study abroad for a year. I can see how this sounds bad, but a year isn't horrible, since we have operated this way for 2 years so far anyways, and we would probably visit each other a couple times, but it still would be hard. As someone who closed a gap...early in the LDR phase, we saw each other about once a month, which we thought at the time was not so bad. Then we were apart for four months, which sucked but we dragged ourselves through it by talking on the phone every day, sometimes for hours. After that, I moved to his city, where I'd been for close to two months (seeing each other for something every day with maybe 1-2 exceptions) when I had to go back to my family's home for a week and a half for grandma's funeral and associated stuff. Even talking every day, it sucks; I cannot wait to fly back on Thursday. I really don't think going back into an LDR for a year would seem like a good option unless the couple had other problems.

[yogaflame13]

Well, now the latest word is that her parents might not allow her to take a year off, which would mean she wouldn't come back to CA at all, and would just go straight to the UK for her 1 year grad program and then go to law school someplace after that. So yeah, that doesn't bode well either if that happens. She says she doesn't want that, and is really going to try to persuade them that she needs the year off to work at Americore (which she has been wanting to do for years), but we shall see what happens. This whole thing is so freakin ridiculous, I don't even know what to say at this point, other than it sucks, cause we do care about each other an awful lot and we talk to each other for hours every day, I just wish this didn't have to be so hard. :/

[wordsmith]

Okay. There are major, major red flags, from what you describe, and although you're worried about the distance factor, those actually aren't where the red flags are coming from at all, from the looks of it. Your distance factor is the least of your problems right now.

The glaring issues, as I see them, are these, and they're PREVENTING the distance factor from being addressed...it's not the LDR itself, but all the underlying stuff....as it usually is:

1. She's not committed to your relationship. She's got her foot halfway out the door. You say you're both happy with your relationship, but don't use that assertion to sugar coat over the fact that you've also pointed out numerous indications of this...that she assumes your relationship has a shelf life, she's pessimistic about it succeeding, she has a lot of issues with relationships in general, she's not a person who would put a relationship first, etc. I'm not saying she doesn't probably care about you in her way, but from everything you've shared, it seems silly not to acknowledge that being in a relationship with you is not first priority to her.


2. She's not in control of her own life and life decisions. This means that even if she wanted to make being with you first priority, she couldn't. I would really think long and hard about what that means for YOUR LIFE. Because if the person you want to be with isn't in control of her life and life decisions, that also means that ultimately, YOU'RE not going to be in control of what happens in your life, in regard to her and the relationship. It bleeds over to you. Can you live with that?

Yeah, yeah, cultural thing, Indian thing, controlling parent thing, I know. Regardless, there it is, and it's a big, fat impediment, however it's dressed up, however excuses are made. You can wish all you want that it wasn't there complicating things, but it is. And it's not gonna disappear.

[yogaflame13]

Okay. There are major, major red flags, from what you describe, and although you're worried about the distance factor, those actually aren't where the red flags are coming from at all, from the looks of it. Your distance factor is the least of your problems right now.

The glaring issues, as I see them, are these, and they're PREVENTING the distance factor from being addressed...it's not the LDR itself, but all the underlying stuff....as it usually is:

1. She's not committed to your relationship. She's got her foot halfway out the door. You say you're both happy with your relationship, but don't use that assertion to sugar coat over the fact that you've also pointed out numerous indications of this...that she assumes your relationship has a shelf life, she's pessimistic about it succeeding, she has a lot of issues with relationships in general, she's not a person who would put a relationship first, etc. I'm not saying she doesn't probably care about you in her way, but from everything you've shared, it seems silly not to acknowledge that being in a relationship with you is not first priority to her.

You are totally right...she has said that she can't make any relationship the most important thing in her life. I get that...I mean, she is only 21 and has 2 trillion years of school left, so I get that. It does kind of suck, but I wouldn't really expect her to put me at #1 at this point. I guess I just would like to think that being #2 would still put us in a viable spot somehow, but maybe that is wishful thinking.


2. She's not in control of her own life and life decisions. This means that even if she wanted to make being with you first priority, she couldn't. I would really think long and hard about what that means for YOUR LIFE. Because if the person you want to be with isn't in control of her life and life decisions, that also means that ultimately, YOU'RE not going to be in control of what happens in your life, in regard to her and the relationship. It bleeds over to you. Can you live with that?

This is also a very good point and could be very frustrating. I guess one good thing is (at the moment at least) I am in a pretty flexible position as I have no job and am in the process of mulling over my options for going back to school to get a worthwhile degree so I can one day actually have a decent job/career. I don't have to stay in CA to do this. But I guess the point you are making is where does the "control" start/end and at what point WILL she be in control of her life, if ever? She has said she is done fighting her parents because it has created so much stress/strain in her life and relationship with them, so she is basically going to do whatever they want her to do in order to stay on good terms with them. I feel her pain, but I don't know if that is 100% the best approach either.

Yeah, yeah, cultural thing, Indian thing, controlling parent thing, I know. Regardless, there it is, and it's a big, fat impediment, however it's dressed up, however excuses are made. You can wish all you want that it wasn't there complicating things, but it is. And it's not gonna disappear.

Yeah, I don't know what others have done in this situation? I actually haven't met her parents yet, despite the fact that her father really wants to meet me because she spends so much time with me when she is in CA (and assuming they see her phone bill too). The problem is, I think they really see dating as a means to an end (marriage), and since she doesn't want to get married for at least 7 years, and I don't have a job (which looks bad..thank you history degree and CA economy..but that's another topic lol), they would likely weed me out from being serious.

All these things do really suck, I have to admit, but it just seems hard when the "emotional/feelings" aspect of the relationship is so good, but all the logistical and rational stuff has all these roadblocks, and if I were to just listen to my heart it would seem like, although it would be difficult, there should be a way to make this work somehow. It is easy to just look at the situation from a cool, rational point of view and say "yeah, this is going to be waaay too hard to get this to work out, so break it off and get something easier." But I haven't met anyone like her before, and it has definitely been a rare thing in my life to find someone I have this kind of connection with at all, so it seems really hard to throw it away.

[DuckFan]

Ah.

So, much like many online posters, you post on a message board hoping to hear some re-assuring words of wisdom. When you don't get those re-assuring words of wisdom, you go-ahead and ignore the very bit of advice you were asking for in the first place.

Good Luck, Yoga. I think this has been discussed and you are firm in your desire to stay with her even though she:

Won't move to CA.
Told you are are not #1
Parents won't allow it.
will be elsewhere after a year anyway.
is 21 and probably overwhelmed.
Doesn't like CA.
has a lot of schooling left.
and you haven't spent a significant amount of time together
hasn't made life plans that EVENTUALLY include you
keeps dropping big hints about your 'future.'

And, finally, not only are annonymous people telling you, "whoa, watch out.' So, are your friends, who you also want to ignore.

Good luck.

Please keep us updated.

Sounds harsh? No, it's tough love. Sounds like you need it.

Not much else to discuss.

[yogaflame13]

Ah.

So, much like many online posters, you post on a message board hoping to hear some re-assuring words of wisdom. When you don't get those re-assuring words of wisdom, you go-ahead and ignore the very bit of advice you were asking for in the first place.

Good Luck, Yoga. I think this has been discussed and you are firm in your desire to stay with her even though she:

Won't move to CA.
Told you are are not #1
Parents won't allow it.
will be elsewhere after a year anyway.
is 21 and probably overwhelmed.
Doesn't like CA.
has a lot of schooling left.
and you haven't spent a significant amount of time together
hasn't made life plans that EVENTUALLY include you
keeps dropping big hints about your 'future.'

And, finally, not only are annonymous people telling you, "whoa, watch out.' So, are your friends, who you also want to ignore.

Good luck.

Please keep us updated.

Sounds harsh? No, it's tough love. Sounds like you need it.

Not much else to discuss.

lol well that was a pretty simplistic analysis of the situation, and my "friends" have never said anything negative to me, don't know where you got that from, but I dig what you are saying. I mean, it's not like I don't get that this whole thing looks like a giant red flag. You can't blame a guy for wishing there was a way to work this out though, right? I mean, if I didn't really care about this, I wouldn't have bothered posting about it on a message board. :P

We are spending the weekend together in Galveston in a few weeks, so if nothing major happens while we are up there, it will likely come down to a big conversation we are sure to have during Thanksgiving break, as that is her deadline for applications and such, so we will likely either make a plan to turn this into a non-LDR or call it off at that point, I would imagine. We have talked about it, but there isn't much point in making a decision until we have more facts (will her parents let her take a year off in CA or not).

I appreciate the "tough love" duckfan; again, it's not like I don't see the writing on the wall here, but you can't blame me for not wanting to fully acknowledge it yet. :P

[yogaflame13]

As an update, we talked off and on most of the day yesterday about what would happen assuming she does have to leave for the UK after this school year. It was a difficult conversation for both of us, but out of all the options we discussed, the most rational seems to be going on a "hiatus" when she leaves, and then re-assessing ourselves and our situations after she comes back to the states. She said she doesn't want to end things, and every conceivable option makes her feel bad (as do I), but at least with this scenario we kind of can leave a window open to try to have a real relationship in the future, depending on where she winds up going to law school and depending on what I am doing in 2 years from now.

It is still a very difficult thing to think about, but it does seem like a logical choice, though hard to accept at the moment.

[Millenial]

I was in a regular relationship which became LDR, I was cool with it, long story short, same thing. She wouldnt move back or be with me. The end.