how does one become close friends with people?

[goingthroughQLC]

I have 2-3 close lifelong friends and they developed early in my life. After college, I met some good people I would like to be life long friends with but I feel like it's more superficial now. I would really like a close group of friends but it's difficult. I also don't know if it is something they want. Do they see me as a lifelong friend? How does one determine if he/she wants to be good friends with someone? How do you reach that? Does it all happen naturally? I don't think it can be forced.. the more I try, the more desperate I probably appear and it drives people away. It's a catch 22

[playingbyheart]

I don't know. It's really hard. I think the easiest way to become close to a friend is to be there for them when times are bad. But it's hard to do that with people you barely know.

[basspro676]

Friends change over time, if you worry about trying to make friends for "the rest of your life" you will spend the rest of your life worrying about friends and not having any.

[mahlerssecond]

This is a problem for me as well. I have a number of friends and acquaintances through church, school and volunteer activities, but no one who is real close. Transversly, I am very social and know a lot of people. It has also been difficult for me to get closer to these people.
One of the main things to do is break the friendship out of it's comfort zone. If you meet someone that you want to know better, invite them out for lunch, movie, coffee, etc, something outside of the activity that you normally know this person through.
Another thing that doesn't hurt is to attend to that person's high points or low points in their life. As an example, I went to a high school friend's concert over the weekend. He is a fledgling Christan rock artist, who just put out a cd. Even though it is not my forte of music, the guy was just elated to see me at his performance. He invited me out to a after concert open house at his parents. Got to meet some other people that I wouldn't of otherwise and had a great time reconnecting and chatting up about the past. Also, I try to offer friendship if someone needs assistance or a friendship due to a setback in their life. I have made a couple of friendships this way, but also have to watch overdoing it.
Lastly, you have to understand that the development of friendships take a long time (and sometimes there a barriers to get around ie: a spouse, certain differences).
I hope this advice helps you.

[cazort]

Are there people who you want to be close friends with, and you just don't know how to form those friendships? Or is the problem that you don't meet people you want to be close friends with or feel that comfortable with?

If you want to be closer to people the best way is to just put more effort into your friendship. Call them a little more often. Let them know that you value their friendship. Stay in touch when they go away. Invite them to do things. Go on trips together. Have them visit you with your family. And then...when you're with that person, really get to know them. Be comfortable with them. Be really present with them when you're interacting with them.

The main thing that forms a close friendship is time...and not just length of time you've known each other, but amount of time spent together and the quality of that time!

[AznHisoka]

Ditto. I'll add some extra tips:

1. Be vulnerable. It takes 2 to start a close friendship. Open up things about your life you normally wouldn't.

2. Invite them to things. Having lunch with some casual friends? Invite another one that doesn't know them. Going to church? Invite someone to tag along.

3. Sounds corny, but share things that really mean a lot to you.. show them pics of your family, your pictures in important events, etc.

4. Ping them occasionally. Don't go a month without talking to them. Show them you care.

[Rage]

Ditto. I'll add some extra tips:

1. Be vulnerable. It takes 2 to start a close friendship. Open up things about your life you normally wouldn't.

2. Invite them to things. Having lunch with some casual friends? Invite another one that doesn't know them. Going to church? Invite someone to tag along.

3. Sounds corny, but share things that really mean a lot to you.. show them pics of your family, your pictures in important events, etc.

4. Ping them occasionally. Don't go a month without talking to them. Show them you care.


I think this is good advice, but I also think that it's just more difficult to connect with people as you get older. There's that old saying that you can't have quality time without quantity time and think about it: when you were in school, you spent hours with these people. Now that you're older, it is tougher to get away so it takes longer and more persistence to make a lasting friendship. Just my observation ...