When is Love Enough?

[playingbyheart]

For the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship that really feels like it will last forever. I'm talking marriage forever. We've been together 3.5 years. For the most part, we understand each other. He is very patient and willing to put up with my neediness. I still feel butterflies every time I see him.

But... he's so shy and he doesn't talk often. I think he might be autistic. He's very smart, so that's not an issue. It's just - we go to dinner, and for the most part either I have to carry the conversation, or we sit there staring at each other. He'll talk back to me if I initiate discussion, but it really drives me nuts that we can't just have great conversations. So, while I love to stay in and cuddle with him and watch TV, or go out running with him, doing things like going out to dinner or to a wine bar is kind of pointless.

I'm an introvert but nothing makes me happier than really good conversation. And we do talk occasionally, there are topics we can discuss like evolution and the early development of man and the latest finding in sub-atomic research. Well, he can talk about that and I ask questions and he answers. But we don't... we don't have conversations otherwise. And every time we stare at each other across the dinner table I contemplate breaking up with him. Even though I love him more than anything and I can't imagine my life without him.

Should I just get over it or is this something I should be concerned about? Oh, and I'd be equally annoyed, if not more so, if I was dating someone who didn't know when to shut up. I really like peace and quiet but I crave conversation.

[pawnstar3]

It seems a bit weird that in one breath you mention how you can spend forever with this guy and get married to him, and in another you talk about wanting to break up with him every time you;re sitting across a table from him

Based on what you described with this guy, I would find it almost impossible to stay with someone who was that quiet - conversation is very important in a relationship and i wouldn't feel connected with someone that never spoke - it sounds to me like you like certain things, but if there are that many concerns with his personality i dont see why you think marriage is in the picture

[playingbyheart]

It's not that we never talk. Sometimes we have pretty good conversation. It's just not consistent. He is perfectly happy sitting at a table and saying nothing. To me, it's awkward. I feel like it's more important to have someone I feel safe with, who I'm attracted to, and who I respect as a person -- three things I do w/ him, instead of a great conversationalist. But sometimes the silence gets on my nerves.

[pawnstar3]

I understand what you're saying but I think your list of what you want in an ideal partner should include more things than someone you respect and feel safe with- i respect and feel safe with almsot everyone i know or work with, that doesn't mean i'm gonna date them -- obviously the attraction part you mention is key, but i think there should be a lot more there with a potential lifelong partner- like for instance, you should have lots in common, get along very well, conversation should flow etc -

[loner]

that's a tough situation to be in
if you have been together for 3.5 years and he's still quiet and not communicative around you.. that's just who he is. I know some who are reserved/quiet like that around people and groups but once you get to know them and they feel comfortable, they are more outgoing than you imagined.


have you talked to him about this? I think it's something that can be worked on and fixed. It's not like his height is too short or something else that can't be fixed. you have to weigh the pros and cons

[Agadefe]

I think 'break up with him' and 'marry him and learn to live with it' are two extremes that you don't necessarily need to choose between.

One of the most important things in a relationship is being able to communicate any issues you may have. It doesn't sound like he doesn't listen you, rather just that he has difficulty holding a conversation. Why don't you bring up to him that you would appreciate it if he made more of an effort to hold a conversation with you.

If his inability to do this really is based on autism, but the autism is mild enough that he can still function normally other than the conversation thing (I have a good family friend like this), then he can most likely train himself to make an effort to carry a conversation, even if his natural instinct is not to.

[ebrillblaiddes]

I think 'break up with him' and 'marry him and learn to live with it' are two extremes that you don't necessarily need to choose between. It depends on why she's dating. If she's dating to have someone to have fun with for now, sure, she doesn't need to choose between the two. If she's dating to find someone to marry (which, like it or lump it, is at least somewhere in many people's minds), she needs to decide if that trait would be a dealbreaker for marriage, and if it is, she would need to break up with him at some point and probably sooner rather than later so Mr. Right doesn't show up while she's still tied up with Mr. Wrong.

[playingbyheart]

Thanks for all the responses. It's really tough to figure this out. I've dated quite a few people in the past and I never felt right with them. Plenty of really great people, but I just didn't feel like we clicked. With this guy, part of me feels like we're soul mates. Not that I believe in the concept, really, but we laugh at the same jokes at the same time, and I think a shared sense of humor is SO important.

We've discussed his problem with holding conversations many times but it doesn't really change. I can tell sometimes he makes an effort but it seems to drain him so much. We can be silly together and laugh, but the everyday conversation doesn't flow.

I'm definitely in this relationship with marriage in mind. I might be only 25, but I'm tired of dating around. I definitely need to be the more dominant one in a relationship, and I see being the head of the household. So many guys would have an issue with that, but my guy is happy to play the typical female role, which works for me.

Yet sometimes I just want him to take the lead. Whether that be planning the weekend activities or starting a conversation. I guess he does sometimes, but it never seems like enough. The other thing is that he never really compliments me on anything -- I dress up nice and I get compliments from my friends and strangers (you look really hot today) but from him - nothing. I don't know, I've never been in a "normal" relationship where I played the girl role and got compliments and gifts and stuff, where the guy took the lead. And I kind of want to know what that's like.

But I really, really do love him. He's a good guy with a truly good, kind heart. He's a sweetie. He's not just attractive (very handsome) but beautiful inside too. I can't imagine life without him. Sometimes I don't care that he's lazy and would rather sit around and watch episodes of sci fi shows all day than work, and that he would rather stare into space and think of things than talk. Other days I feel like I can't live my life like this. What do I do?

[pawnstar3]

I hate to say this, but it sounds like you're settling to me - if you really loved someone there wouldn't be this amount of doubt - the language you're using implies he';s better than most you dated but that doesn't mean he's the best out there for you

[Schecter_Guy]

Was he always like this. I gotta know how someone with this type of personality is even able to get into a relationship. I couldn't imagine he can break the ice real well.

[playingbyheart]

What is "settling" though? There is no one out there who is perfect for me, and yes, there are a lot of people that are worse. I may never find someone even close to as great as he is. I don't know why "settling" is such a bad thing. Part of me wonders if there is something better but I'm not perfect either. Even relationships that seem to be great can fizzle. So maybe I am settling, but at some point don't we all have to settle? If we're so madly in love that it doesn't feel like settling, than that love is likely unrealistic and won't be maintained years into marriage. For the few people out there who have life-lasting love like that, it's practically a miracle.

[gemma-dahl]

I'm definitely in this relationship with marriage in mind. I might be only 25, but I'm tired of dating around. I definitely need to be the more dominant one in a relationship, and I see being the head of the household. So many guys would have an issue with that, but my guy is happy to play the typical female role, which works for me.

Yet sometimes I just want him to take the lead. Whether that be planning the weekend activities or starting a conversation. I guess he does sometimes, but it never seems like enough. The other thing is that he never really compliments me on anything -- I dress up nice and I get compliments from my friends and strangers (you look really hot today) but from him - nothing. I don't know, I've never been in a "normal" relationship where I played the girl role and got compliments and gifts and stuff, where the guy took the lead. And I kind of want to know what that's like.


I think your desire to have him take the lead is the central issue, not just the conversations. I say that because conversation is give-and-take, and, all things being equal, both parties have to be conversation initiators about half of the time.

So why not just tell him: "Sometimes, I run out of things to say and ideas for dates. I would appreciate it if you would take the lead sometime. Surprise me - tell me what you're thinking about. Or surprise me even more - plan a date, and don't tell me where we're going until we go there. That would be REALLY COOL." (Play with wording as you like.)

If he actually does have autism, he would be diagnosed by a spectrum disorders specialist. There are many people with Asperger's Syndrome in the tech industry, and it's possible he's a high-functioning individual with this syndrome. We have a friend who believes he has this. He has discussed this with us. I'm not sure whether he does or not, but it does take a lot to get him going with conversation or engagement. Once we get him going, though, he's great fun. (He's a programmer, and I love hanging out with nerds.) It is, however, difficult for him to pay compliments or to guess exactly how to ask a girl out. So I empathize with your boyfriend.

In addition, sometimes we question other areas of life when one area of our life is rough. Your dad is dying and your relationship with him is strained. Perhaps your questioning your boyfriend has a lot to do with your dad, and maybe you're trying to avoid thinking about it too hard by focusing on other areas. I do this sometimes, and so do lots of people I know. I don't mean to psychoanalyze, of course...I just know this is often a possibility when things get complicated.

[DaneCA]

Unfortunately, I don't think "just love" is ever "enough." There needs to be a high level of compatibility for a relationship to really work, and if the two of you aren't able to hold a conversation on topics YOU'RE interested in, then maybe you just aren't that compatible.

But it's also possible you're just reading too much into this. I mean, I'm pretty sure ALL long-term couples experience lulls in the conversation sometimes and there's nothing wrong with that.

Some people also prefer to take a backseat in a conversation. I'm kind of like that, and I've had people comment on the fact that I'm sometimes really quiet. I've noticed, though, that with people with whom I really click (either on a romantic level or just as friends), I have no problem holding a back-and-forth conversation, even though I'm not a huge talker. Does your boyfriend open up more with certain people, or is he always pretty silent?

[playingbyheart]

He does open up over certain topics. He's a real big book nerd, so if he gets into a conversation with anyone about books, specifically ones he likes (sci fi, etc) he can go on for hours. So maybe it's unfair of me to say that he's not a good conversationalist. In fact, the problem may be on my end. Then again, I really like to talk about politics, and he'd prefer to talk fiction. We don't see eye-to-eye politically (he's more liberal than I am, though I'm liberal on all social issues, just not fiscal ones). When we hang out with people who read a lot they get into these great conversations and I'm the one sitting there staring. I don't know, sometimes I feel like he should be dating someone who is as much of a book nerd as he is.

[pawnstar3]

What is "settling" though? There is no one out there who is perfect for me, and yes, there are a lot of people that are worse. I may never find someone even close to as great as he is. I don't know why "settling" is such a bad thing. .

That's the problem- you don't see something wrong with settling, but there is- why do you feel the need to be with someone - can't you be single for a while? - that would give u a chance to meet someone you're more compatible with - sure, there are worse people out there, but there are also better ones- you don't need a partner to be complete in this world - we all want one, but that doesn't mean you should settle just to have one -

[DaneCA]

He does open up over certain topics. He's a real big book nerd, so if he gets into a conversation with anyone about books, specifically ones he likes (sci fi, etc) he can go on for hours.

This is kind of what I was getting at in the post I wrote yesterday. I don't think there's anything wrong with liking science fiction or being a book nerd (I should know; I am one!), but a relationship often works better if BOTH people match those descriptions, at least to a certain extent. Different interests can be great, but there have to be certain commonalities, and you shouldn't be forced to bring up topics that just HE likes for the conversation to flow. Maybe the two of you could work on finding some shared interests? Like, you could read a sci-fi book, and he could attend a political lecture with you (or whatever)?

[starrynight]

wait, you've been with this guy for 3 1/2 years and u don't know if he is autistic or not? it sounds to me that he is cuz i have went out with a guy who had it and they do stare. don't know how to say this but he is NOT "The One". He may be close, but if you are 50/50 love hate with this guy than it's not right.

[playingbyheart]

We do have shared interests. We met performing in a play. We both enjoy being outside. We watch a lot of the same television shows. We're both interested in science and geekery. So it's not like we have nothing in common.

This morning, I was thinking about how I feel so recharged after spending a night in his arms. Before I met him, I was a depressed wreck. He really balances me out. For the most part, he makes me so happy. I just struggle with his autism, or whatever it is. It must be autism. He also has tics and OCD, where he freaks out if someone chews with their mouth open or is chewing gum loudly.

Did I mention I love him and all his abnormalities except when I want to have a conversation? :)

[Agadefe]

From your responses it sounds to me like you are looking for us to tell you "stay with him, you love him and it is not a big deal". In which case it seems that you have basically already made up your mind about him and just want reassurance that this is okay.

Well it is okay! Because what's really important is how you feel about him. In your first post you made it seem that his inability to hold a conversation is a big deal, but then in every subsequent post you kept defending him and pointing out that he DOES talk about some things, etc.

Settling is when you are with someone just because you want to be with someone. It doesn't sound to me like this is what is going on. It sounds like you really love this guy, but his inability to hold a conversation or take the lead is making you second yourself. Nobody is perfect, everyone has flaws. This has been going on for 3.5 years. Do you feel like you have just been "dealing with it"? It doesn't sound like you do. You need to decide if this aspect of his personality is a deal-breaker or not. It doesn't sound like it is. I am personally of the belief that if you are happy with someone, you shouldn't throw it away just because a single aspect of that person's personality rubs you the wrong way in the hopes you'll find someone completely perfect. Sometimes people need imperfection in their partners. You said it best when you said that the feeling of 'perfect love' is not maintainable. Anyway, just my opinion, good luck!