Dad is Dying of Cancer

[playingbyheart]

Have any of you had a parent who died of cancer? My dad is currently sick with late-stage prostate cancer. He has maybe 2 more years left but who knows. I live across the country from him. We haven't had a close relationship growing up - he has always had temper problems and is probably borderline or bipolar or something. I appreciate all he has done for my family in terms of being a provider but he really hurt me emotionally and physically growing up. I really don't want to regret not spending more time with him but even now when I go back home it's just lots of fighting, he has such a hot fuse. Every two seconds there's another fight, he's calling my mother stupid, and I just can't take it. Part of me wants him to suffer, but I don't want him to die. And he's dying and there's nothing that anyone can do about that.

[Bocheezu]

Sounds a lot like my dad except with even more a temper. My dad died of a heart attack, but he seemed to know it was coming. He told me a year ahead of time that he "won't be around much longer," which was a really freaky thing to hear at the time. Anyway, he really mellowed out that last year and was quite tolerable. Maybe your dad will do the same eventually.

[DaneCA]

I'm really sorry about your father, playingbyheart. That's got to be tough, even if you aren't especially close. I can't speak to your particular situation, having never been through it myself, and I would never tell you what to do. Only you can decide.

I do agree with Bocheezu that people often calm down as they age. Maybe it's realizing they don't have much time left? I don't know. Also, you don't want to regret not spending time with him when you had the chance.

However, some people are just not worth the time. It sucks to say it about one's parent, but if your father hasn't acted like a father should, does he really deserve your attention now?

[hoodie]

I'm so sorry, PBH.
I have never been through anything like this first hand, but my longtime boyfriend lost his mom to cancer when he was in high school. It's a hard thing to experience and leaves a lasting impression.

Honestly, I would say do what you have to do to leave your heart at peace (or as much as can be done) on the matter. Make an effort with your dad, but don't let him treat you or your mom badly. If you've made an attempt and done everything in your power to repair your relationship and show your love and support, then you've done your part. Your dad has to make an effort to be civil too, and hopefully as Bocheezu mentioned, this will naturally occur to him as the concept of what's happening becomes more concrete to him. If he doesn't, hopefully it will be some comfort to you that you tried. It's not all your responsibility, but if you're trying than hopefully that will be some comfort to you personally that you attempted to meet him halfway and that whenever he does pass away, he will do so knowing you care about him.

I hope that makes some sense....

[PenforPrez]

I apologize for these meandering thoughts; I can certainly relate.

I lost my grandfather at 86 to a rare form of blood cancer, and he was a lot of the same way. He was very angry and cantankerous, for lack of a better word. Around the time he turned 80, my dad and my uncle (who died of cancer a couple of years later) tried to get him into a nursing home, and my grandfather called elderly abuse on them. He never mellowed.

My father is 82 now (my grandfather would be 104 if he was still alive), and while he is not direly sick, he does show some signs of age. My father will also get that same rare blood cancer in his late 80's or early 90's. He's still very physically strong, and he's still mentally almost as sharp as ever.

My father used to have a really bad temper as well. Especially in the years when he drank quite often; he kind of tapered off after he hit 65, and he lost some of that edge. He's still feisty. He still gets pissed off and yells at every Republican he sees on TV. :evil: He still makes himself known, and I wouldn't have it any other way. But Dad has mellowed quite a bit. He's more pleasant to be around now than he's ever been.

It's just, he's not in imminent danger right now, but when your parents get sick or hit an advanced age, you just know they're not going to be around forever. It's just something I keep in the back of my head. He doesn't walk as well as he could even in his late 70's, his kidneys are causing some problems, and his pulse (which has always been slow) is taking more of the scenic route than ever. I took it for granted that he was going to outlive everybody. He might still do it, but it's just not as likely as it used to be.

You just have to value the time you can spend with your father, as I do with mine. I go every couple of weekends to visit my parents, and I know that unfortunately you cannot do that, but I would recommend doing what you can. Talk to him on the phone. Let him know how you feel, even if he seems unreceptive. Believe me, he cares, whether he shows it or not.

I sometimes thought my father didn't care. Then I moved out and now he's never happier than to see me come home. He and I don't see eye-to-eye on some things. But he loves me, and that's what matters. He gives me a hug every time I leave, and that means the world to me. :)

Paul

[spiritedaway]

Awww, that really is such a touching and wonderful thing to read! I've been thinking a lot about this myself as my parents are getting older and I value the time spent with them (even though we all get on each other's nerves sometimes). Mortality is an odd thing; it really puts things into perspective. Thanks so much for sharing!


You just have to value the time you can spend with your father, as I do with mine. I go every couple of weekends to visit my parents, and I know that unfortunately you cannot do that, but I would recommend doing what you can. Talk to him on the phone. Let him know how you feel, even if he seems unreceptive. Believe me, he cares, whether he shows it or not.

I sometimes thought my father didn't care. Then I moved out and now he's never happier than to see me come home. He and I don't see eye-to-eye on some things. But he loves me, and that's what matters. He gives me a hug every time I leave, and that means the world to me. :)

Paul

[winneythepooh7]

I am a social worker and I see what you are going through a lot. The people I specialize with are head injury survivors. They often become disabled from things like car accidents, strokes, heart attacks or in many cases, drug related or other reckless behavior. In addition to their TBI, they also often become diagnosed with an array of other medical issues, including cancers.

Many times by the time they get to me, they have no family or other natural supports and often it's because they have alienated a lot of people in their lives even before they became injured. There's not often a whole lot myself or my program can do for them, besides refer them to therapy or peer support groups where they can engage in relationships with others going through similar things that they are. Sometimes through a long process, family will become involved in their lives again, but more often, they won't. I guess what I am getting at is don't feel guilty. Do what you need to do for yourself to get through this.