Self-esteem troubles

[TosaGirl]

So here is what is going on with me. I dont think I am totally alone in this either. I am 26, I live in Wisconsin, near Milwaukee. I pretty much dispise my job, not the job itself, just that its something I never wanted to do in my entire life. I moved here about 4 years ago, by myself, for grad school and have decided to stay since. I love the city and all the options there are out there, but one of the troubles is how hard it is to make friends.

Okay, all thru high school and undergrad I knew a lot of people, I was friends with a lot of people, at least in some fashion. Well since I moved here, I dont have a lot of friends, and I miss that, so I get kinda depressed about not having a reliable, big group of friend to be able to call on, the friends I do have like to focus on their lives and so we dont get together a whole lot, besides my coworkers who I see every day.

The second of my troubles is my body image. I have never really liked my body. It use to be I hated my breasts, but about a month ago I underwent reduction surgery. I like them now, but I feel like the rest of me is just not proportionate. I feel like my stomach sticks out so much now I look pregnant!! I want to lose weight, but then I get all depressed like and I dont want to do what it takes to lose the weight.

Lastly there is the lack of male companionship. 3 of my best friends, including my best friend are all getting married this summer, and that just makes me wonder when its going to be my turn?? Is it EVER going to be my turn?? I have never had a boyfriend and pretty much have never been on a date. It got old to be this way a LONG time ago. You know it was okay to not have dates and whatnot, but after 26 years of no dating, its old!!

So because of all this, and some other stuff, I feel almost as if I am in a depression and my self-esteem (which others think is wonderful and soaring) is falling. The crazy thing of it is I only feel bad about me and my life when its a weekend or I am not with the few friends I have.

Does anyone else out there feel this way? And if so, what have you done or thought of to try to over come this??? And please dont tell me to join things. I know thats a great idea, but with my schedule finding time for much of anything thats not over the weekend only and is pretty much free due to my lack of money is just not an option.

Thank you to everyone in advance who are able to provide me with ideas and support!

TJH

[Unregistered]

Moving to a new city alone after college is hard and trying to rebuild a social circle seems almost impossible especially as I never had an easy time making friends. My college friends are scattered across the country and I assume this is probably true in your case. I felt especially lonely after I received my first wedding invitation.

That being said life is different from school - in school everyone is expected to graduate at the exact same time, in life such timetables are a lot more flexible. From reading other posts a serious relationship is not necessarily a cure for lonliness. It might even get in the way of seeking out a more exciting career or expanding your social circle. You shouldn't feel pressured to race to "catch up and get married" you might miss opportunities available to you now when you have fewer commitments and more flexibility.

Just wondering what specifically do you love about Milwaukee? Try focusing you weekends on those aspects of the city. Also why do others see you as having high self esteem. Try viewing yourself through their eyes. Lastly how and where did you meet the friends you did find in Millwaukee? I am looking for new suggestions in how to meet new people.

[TosaGirl]

Thank you. First of all,

Just wondering what specifically do you love about Milwaukee?

I love being near the lake, all the activities there are for someone to do during the summer (but when its not nice, its not a fun city, like today is all rainy, and chilly, dont want to hang outside today!

Also why do others see you as having high self esteem.

Others see me as having a high self esteem because I use to, and I am really good at putting on a show when I am with people, I try to just ignore the fact that I am hurting inside and be happy. who wants to hang out with someone who hates themself! I actually have a friend who is always cutting on herself, and it gets old, so I refuse to have others do that with me. It depends on who they are and how long they have known me too.


Lastly how and where did you meet the friends you did find in Millwaukee?

A few of the friends I have here are from college or high school, one is from Graduate school, but the other friends I have here are all from work. I work with 10 people and we do a lot of outside activities together. We get along, for the most part. There are some I like and hang out with more than others. But then its when they are busy that I get all depressed and stuff.

I have tried St. John's wart, but I just cant seem to stick to it long enough to have it matter for anything. Its only small bouts of depression, more of a sadness than anything else.

I am wondering, since you said your new to a big city, do you feel the same way I have been feeling?

[Unregistered]

I feel almost the exact same way as you do. I moved to DC alone after graduation a year and a half ago. I did not know anyone here when before I moved. I am finding it almost impossible to meet people outside of work especially as I am rather quiet. It just seemed a lot easier finding friends in college. I did not date much during college nor dated much since. During college I had many close friends so it did not bother me too much - but now I feel isolated and lonely. At the same time I feel it is too early for me to have life long committments while there is still so much uncertainty.

[Unregistered]

HOnestly, if you guys want to meet people, join a sports team or volunteer group. I live in the DC area and have my close friends, but have met more people through their friends, who they met through sport teams, whatever. It's kind of like the Kevin Bacon thing, I seem to know people who are seven degrees from my close friends! Sometimes they don't even know who I'm talking about because the guy was a friend of some other girl's boyfriend, you know how it is. But the point is, you have 2 choices: stay home and be depressed or do ANYTHING that you are interested in.

[Amy]

But for me, leaving the house makes me depressed too. I see couples, I see men that I either could never have, or I would go on one date and never call me back, I see girls that are thinner than me. I choose stay home and watch animal planet where I don't even have to look at people..

[Unregistered]

So instead of watching human couples outside you watch penguin couples on animal planet? Interesting irony. Anyway one simple way to allievate the frustration of waiting for the guy to call you back is to call the guy and see if he wants to meet again. At the very least you'll won't have to wait to find out if he is still interested - and he'd probably very happy to hear from you (it also relieves him from the "traditional" burden of initiating the phone call). If both you and him are sitting around waiting for the other to call than nothing will happen. The penguins don't wait for the other the quack first . . . maybe there is something to be learned from animal planet.

[Unregistered]

okay - I can completely relate here . I am pretty much stuck in a job that keeps me fed, clothed and under a roof with my kitties - and exhausted by FridaY. I attended Columbia for few years until I could no longer get myself out of bed and the administration decided it was time for a break - I was severly depressed and although I've gotten better over the years I haven't yet returned to school (or to my former happiness) - the reason for my post though is this - I live with (and basically support) my boyfriend (who is 6 yrs older) and have for almost four years: does anyone find this situation as ridiculous as me - he has a HUGE collection of playboys laying about and an amazingly large collection of porn on the computer - I pay for the ISP. In response to my displeasure and pleas for explanation, he dodges the query and turns it around so that I suddenly have a self-esteem issue - !!! - I am overweight and it sucks let me tell you & yes, I am a lazy shit - but for crying out loud - this is my apartment, my money, and my feelings. He refuses to explain to me what this shit does for him and usuallu dismisses me with a smug embrace wishing I felt better about myself. After telling him I won't be party to the smut - he gets pissy like I am taking away a toy. I am sooo frustrated with my life situation [sorry for the rant] - why am i so afraid of going back to school????

[Unregistered]

Well, you are the company you keep so always remember that. Kick out the loser and cut your expenses first off. Once you cut your expenses, you'll have $$ for a gym membership and healthy food. Working out will give you the self esteem to be more ambitious and determined to find a job that can maybe pay for the rest of your schooling. BUT, concentrate on kicking out the loser first off, I'm sure he's not looker so don't make this about him. take responsibility for your own life always!

[Phoenix]

I agree w/ the previous poster. It sounds like your boyfriend may be taking advantage of your niceties...and that maybe he has a problem w/ the "smut." Not to bash your boyfriend, but if he has time to look at playboy and porn on the net, he should have time to help support the two of you/himself. If he doesn't want to do that, then I would suggest cutting your loses and helping out yourSELF rather than supporting him.

I also agree w/ the suggestion about going to the gym. Just working out and DOING something can make you feel better about yourself as well as help tone yourself up a bit. It just takes some motivation to do it b/c it's hard when you feel tired after working every day.

In addition, perhaps you're afraid of going back to school b/c this routine/lifestyle has gotten comfortable/familiar to you and you're afraid of the change it will bring to both your relationship and your life. You may also be afraid b/c you became depressed last time...and you're afraid of having a repeat experience. Just suggestions for reasons...thoughts?

[Antonina]

Dear girl, sorry to hit you with this, as he obviously is a big part of your life, but it sounds like your boyfriend is not really worth having. Any boyfriend who can't treat your concerns (eg. your queries about his smut/porn) with gentle respect and consideration is not a boyfriend worth having. You don't have to take his turnaround comments on your self-esteem! That is nuts and disrespectful. A real man would get off his bottom and try to work and make some money (instead of scabbing completely off you) as opposed to cruising around the internet downloading crap at YOUR expense. I'm sure that you are a beautiful person inside and out. Only a real boyfriend who treats you with the love and respect is worth your time.

[Unregistered]

I have been diagnosed with quaterlife crisis syndrome .. 24 with a job I hate(being kicked out as I write this) and no idea

where my spirit lies and if I could ever find it. I am halfway around the globe from my home/family and with an upbringing

which doesnt let me cheat, pimp or basically do business in todays business world(now u can imagine how much i fit in). So

what can I tell anyone that would make them feel better and more importantly how do I go on about my business of living life

knowing it all is going downhill?
In the movie "shawshank redemption"(highly reccomended viewing) the protaginist is send falsely to jail and made to go

through so much for 20 years. Yet he went through it all and came out on the other side pure and free. Maybe all of us face

our jailtime and struggles(long and painful) .. what may keep us going is hope .. hope that we would do our time and find

ourselves/happiness. Quoting the movie "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies". There

are times when I am tempted to give into the pain life puts us through but then a voice inside me says "Get busy living, or

get busy dying" and I move on.
Nice to know that I am not alone in my fears and pain .. Hope this helped.

[kaltan_knight]

self esteem???? what is that....i have none unfortunately...i look in the mirror and want to puke!!!! so here it is....i am in serious counseling once a week...not only do i have no self esteem i also have some anger problems.....anways...the point here is this...one needs to be happy with one's self...i have had to learn to except who i am....i am sure that you are a wonderful person with alot to give the world...you just need to see that...here is something my shrink made me do...i had to sit down and write out a list of what i thought was good about me..let me tell you..it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life..but i did it eventually..then i had to put it on the mirror and read it, everyday..you know what, i am starting to believe all those things that i wrote down..and i am seeing them within me......give it a try...my own self esteem has begun to rise in the recent past..partially with the help of the shrink but also with alot searching within myself....you might have to look deep....but you will find the source to lift your esteem within yourself....i can promise that...just be positive....and as far as your physical appearance...another problem i have with myself...start going to a fitness facility..force yourself if you have to....it will work...a good diet...a little exercise will do a world of wonders for you self esteem and your energy level...i am sure you look upon yourself harder then everyone else you don't really look like you think you do to other people...i do as well....give it a try...i a go to the gym everyday almost....it is great...i am babbling and probably sounding like a dumby by now but give what i have suggested a try...it is helping me........

[greycat]

hey guys - I was 'unregistered' who ranted about life (sucky boyfriend/porn collection, etc.) - I just wanted to say 'THANK YOU' He DOES hold me back and I think I am stuck due to the relative comfort of my present situation.
My fears of returning to school do stem from the threat of a (failed) repeat performance. God, it was awful - I lost myself for years!!! I wanted to be a Doctor for crissakes and now here I am making $11/hr overworked.

Antonina - thank you for your kind words! I felt them half a world away!

He's working today (part-time mover) but has no concept of the value of $$$ so he NEVER has any. Thanks again for your responses (in a totally non-cheesy way)

[cmsmith26]

TOSAGIRL,

I hear ya about the self-esteem. I'm 23 (24 in OCT), single, working at a job not in my field, and living at home w/my parents. I was someone who ALWAYS had it together. Very successful...an over-over-achiever. (You know...Class Pres. all 4 years, outgoing, blah, blah, blah...) I went away to college & boy did things change for me. My esteem & confidence went through the floor. I became depressed & gained about 30 pounds. I am still dealing w/the depression.

Things have gotten a lot better since I graduated college, but this whole quarter-life crisis is taking its toll on me. The questions, uncertainty/instability is all so overwhelming at times.

It's good to know that others are going through the same things.

I also had a breast reduction (JAN 2002). It's help me to discover a stomach that I didn't know was there! I hear ya about the pregnant look! E'thing does seem disproportionate! I've gotta start exercising.

I'm not sure if you're Christian/have a personal relationship w/Jesus, but I do & I've found that this is helping me TREMENDOUSLY with all of this. Please, if you want to know HIM & how HE's helping me, just ask me! :O)

[Lipgloss Boost]

yep: i'm with you guys! having a relationship is good, but we hang-out with his friends. since i as well moved to a new city i don't have any friends of my own. if i didn't've my guy - i wouldn't be leaving the house! how the hell do you meet ppl? i tried the volunteer route but everyone who volunteers is over age 55! i can't find a job to meet ppl there (personally i think that's a bad idea anyway: too political!). my 'rents are pretty hard on me ("who's going to hire you?") then turn & "help" which to them means taking over because they love me. kinda makes me feel incompetent on the parent & no one's hring me front & lonely on the social front. self esteem? is there any esteem to this?