Dating question

[Sanman111]

So, since moving back to New York about a year and a half ago, I decided to get serious about online dating. Well, I have been able to chat and go out with a good number of women. However, I usually can't get past date 2-3. I'm wondering if anyone, particularly the women, might have some insight into why this is or why you would stop seeng someone after that time.

Most recently, I went out with someone and it didn't go past date #2. In this case though, I have a feeling that she met someone else online as she hasn't been on since around the time of our second date.

I am starting to wonder if it is something I am doing though. As I just went on a first date (drinks) with a great girl last night and she agreed to go out again, I guess this is my pre-emptive attempt to change.

Thoughts? Questions?

[KCboy]

Other than the fact that they are probably seeing other guys as well and may decide to pursue another beau, I can’t think of any specific, common reason.

And I don’t think this phenomenon is exclusive to on-line dating.

[wordsmith]

I did the online dating thing for a stretch of my twenties. People are usually talking to several people concurrently, if not dating several people concurrently. Typically, when you stop hearing from somebody in that "drop off" kind of manner, it's because they went with another option. Just the nature of online dating...it expands your options, but it also expands those of the people you're scoping out.

[Mini14]

On a positive note, you must be doing something right to make it to date 2 and 3. It could just be a bit of bad luck in the sense that you haven't come across a really good match yet..

[hereisnewyork]

From a girl in NYC who has done a lot of online dating, I can unfortunately tell you there are SO many reasons online relationships don't work out.

People may have already mentioned some of these but off the top of my head:

1. When she's dating a lot of people at once, odds aren't in your favor.

2. The girl or guy could not really have been ready for a relationship, but regardless is on a dating site.

3. Girl or guy doesn't really have the time or energy to put into a relationship and it takes a couple dates to realize this.

4. You have no common bond like friends or a social group so it's extremely easy for someone to let something end if there is an inkling of doubt when if you had a bond the person would give it way more of a chance i think. No real risk of running into each other or making it weird for the people you both know.
-I think this is the real big one. There are so many little details about a person and if we think it's a deal breaker we will usually break the deal with someone we met online. Examples range from looks to location to not sharing something in common that is very important to the person, not approving of their social situation, or their family situation, the list goes on...

5. Dating sucks.

6. In NYC, guys and girls are guilty of thinking something better is around the corner (no offense to you or myself for that matter) and use online dating as shopping with easy return policy.

7. Bad luck.

P.S. The above opinions are not necessarily those of Hereisnewyork.

[Mini14]

2. The girl or guy could not really have been ready for a relationship, but regardless is on a dating site.

3. Girl or guy doesn't really have the time or energy to put into a relationship and it takes a couple dates to realize this.


I am pretty sure I've been on the receiving end of number 3 a couple of times.

And as for number 2, I've done this - although I didn't realise it until I had met up with some guys first.

[hoodie]

I agree with hereisnewyork but must add that, like wordsmith said, this is no just specific to online dating, nor is it just specific to New York.

I think often single people will date around and "keep their options open" and any (or several) of the reasons listed can contribute to people falling off the radar.

I think the best thing you can do is to just keep on with it and not take it personally. Keep your options diversified too.

[KCboy]

6. In NYC, guys and girls are guilty of thinking something better is around the corner (no offense to you or myself for that matter) and use online dating as shopping with easy return policy.

this is not exclusive to NY.

we do all the same stuff out in the wastelands of america as well.

[DaneCA]

this is not exclusive to NY.

we do all the same stuff out in the wastelands of america as well.

Hahaha. So true.

Anyway, it could also boil down to a simple lack of interest. That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong; it's just that you haven't met the right girl yet. And that's the whole point of dating, frustrating as it is to go on lots of first or second dates and not meet anyone with whom you want to pursue a relationship.

Sometimes there's also a lack of romantic interest, even if you get along. And if the girl knows you're looking for a relationship, but she isn't feeling it, there isn't enough of a history to establish a friendship instead and she'll blow you off. Basically, dating sucks.

[hereisnewyork]

this is not exclusive to NY.

we do all the same stuff out in the wastelands of america as well.

I didn't mean to offend with that statement, just making another point because NYC is notorious for these issues
i.e. Sex and the City

This is all just my personal opinion which is also very much affected by the fact that everyone I know back in the burbs of Jersey is in a serious relationship, engaged, or married (and I mean everyone) and everyone I know in the city with maybe 2 or 3 exceptions are single.

So, I'm not saying this is a good thing. I often wonder if I'll have to move to find someone :(

[KCboy]

I often wonder if I'll have to move to find someone :(

its funny you say that because some of us out here in the wastelands wonder if they have to move as well, to a bigger city where there are more activities and single people.

i guess the grass is always greener wherever you ain't.

[KCboy]

I didn't mean to offend with that statement, just making another point because NYC is notorious for these issues
i.e. Sex and the City

I wouldn't say I was "offended". Statements like that just seem to contribute to the stereotype that NY'rs idolize their own environment to the point that no other place on earth can possibly compare, both in positives and negatives.

"OMG, we have it so tough in NYC! You midwesterners just don't have a clue."

And there are lots of shows about a lot of things, set in lots of cities. I don't think any differently about NYC just because the women on that show had trouble with their love life. It happens everywhere. That show could have been set in any big city setting and would have been the same.

[Sanman111]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the responses. I guess I'm going through a bit of dating fatigue as I have been doing this for over a year now regularly and it is getting a bit tiresome. There were a couple of girls that I did end up seeing for 2-3 months, but it didn't work out for different reasons.

As for the suburbs/elsewhere vs big city thing, I'll add my two cents. I was living in brooklyn for the past year, but recently moved back to my parent's house on long island while I look for a new job and finish up grad school. Looking around, I find far fewer people I am looking to date on long island than I did in NYC. However, I assume that means I will have far less competition when I do meet someone.

Anyone looking for an out of work egghead on long island? I can roll over, play dead and even fetch from time to time. :D

[hereisnewyork]

I wouldn't say I was "offended". Statements like that just seem to contribute to the stereotype that NY'rs idolize their own environment to the point that no other place on earth can possibly compare, both in positives and negatives.

"OMG, we have it so tough in NYC! You midwesterners just don't have a clue."

And there are lots of shows about a lot of things, set in lots of cities. I don't think any differently about NYC just because the women on that show had trouble with their love life. It happens everywhere. That show could have been set in any big city setting and would have been the same.

haha I would never say that, really, it doesn't even cross my mind...If anything I'm talking about the cons of living here, or yes, any big city. I don't bash any part of our country but jersey, because it stinks and I lived there long enough so I have rights lol. I wish I had the option of living somewhere out there, but all my family is here. One of my favorite songs is Omaha by Counting Crows, makes me wanna travel to the midwest so bad.

You have a lot to say on the subject though so it sounds like a sore spot for you, have you met a lot of people who idolize nyc?? My name on here might be hereisnewyork but it's from a book :)

[wordsmith]

I didn't mean to offend with that statement, just making another point because NYC is notorious for these issues
i.e. Sex and the City

Yeah, but of course it's a cliche.

Overall, throughout the country, many young people who are not the "marry young" type fall into the pattern of always looking for the next thing, always thinking that if you choose one thing, you're missing out on some potential other thing...which is of course true...every time you choose one thing, you ARE missing out on some other thing. But the folly lies in assuming that the stuff you're "missing out" on must be BETTER than what you've got. It's a gamble either way.

Part of it's societal/media programming, part of it's increasingly short attention spans (which are essentially part of societal and media programming). Loads of young people have zero attention span.

[dengeist]

Unfortunately, it's part of "the game" now. I find it interesting that with the many forms of communication we have, in many ways we've become less communicative.

Try not to take it personally. I know personally, I've met some nice women that just weren't enough to hold my attention and I've kinda just left them hanging. It's kind of hard to explain to someone that they didn't do anything wrong, there just wasn't enough of a spark. I assume that's what it is when I got left hanging too. Try not to feel bad about it, it's going to happen a lot.

[wordsmith]

There are ways to be clear, though, without being rude. Just like it's rude to give somebody a callous verbal brushoff, it's just as rude to do it nonverbally. Nobody's gonna LIKE being told, "There doesn't seem to be a mutual connection," when THEY'RE attracted, but there are more and less polite ways to convey that.

What really sucks is when you DO convey that, clearly, to somebody, and they still won't give up. Can't fault somebody for being hopeful when you haven't been clear, but I can't have much sympathy for somebody who's still being dogged when I've clearly stated that I'm not interested.

[FreeAtLast]

it's easy as hell to be shallow and just window shop, ignoring some potentially great mates.

Online dating is also a serial dater's dream. They can date and date and date to their hearts content without any real interest in intimacy.

The best way to meet someone is through friends, that way there's some level of implied respect involved.

[J-girl]

If I don;t like a guy I will usually know by date 1. In rare cases date 2. I am currently utterly dissatisfied with online dating. I went on a 3-4 online dates this year so far. And one of them was a really wonderful guy who I still think about since we made it to date 5. He just pretty much told me he does not want to commit. He was confused about where he is in life and yada yada yada. I have never been so hurt in my life.
Anyway I met another guy recently (about 5 months later). On the third date, he introduces me to his best friend and best friend's gf over dinner, treats me like his girlfriend all night, we kiss and then I never hear from him again!

Anyways, this last guy just seemed like a serial dater. At this point, I dont want to online date even though I might have to wait a couple of years for a real date and I am 29 years old. :mad:

[starrynight]

so if u made it to the third date what the hell happened to him? do u think he was dating someone else besides you? Did u txt him like every other day or so and still nothing? What a weirdo and a jerk!

[J-girl]

so if u made it to the third date what the hell happened to him? do u think he was dating someone else besides you? Did u txt him like every other day or so and still nothing? What a weirdo and a jerk!

At the end of the third date he said he wanted me over at his place and he wanted to make me dinner and he would pick me up from my place. I told him that was out of the way for him and I will just take the subway. So I text him a day before to check if we are still up for this and he goes no i am having dinner with family etc. and asked to postpone. So basically after that he texted a few more times and then just blew me off when i asked him we are still up for hanging out? So not sure what the hell is up. Mind u on the third date, he was also going on about how he liked me and stuff.

[Rage]

Maybe he was just trying to get laid? I have never done and probably never will do the online dating thing so I find it fascinating. I hear you get alot of people just looking to get some easy play and fade away. Is this true?

[KCboy]

I hear you get alot of people just looking to get some easy play and fade away. Is this true?

maybe, but nothing more than in everyday life.

guys want sex, and the ones looking for it on-line are no different than the ones you meet at a bookstore, at work, or at a coffee shop.

the people you might meet on-line are the same as you might meet in real life, there's just more access.

[wordsmith]

I hear you get alot of people just looking to get some easy play and fade away. Is this true?

I would also say that doesn't really crop up with anymore frequency than it does in the typical face-to-face dating scene. You have that element anywhere people are on the prowl, but it's not necessarily anymore prevalent online or off, in my experience. Some people are looking for that, some aren't, and if you're not, it's going to be up to you to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. No matter what venue you're using to meet people.

[J-girl]

I would also say that doesn't really crop up with anymore frequency than it does in the typical face-to-face dating scene. You have that element anywhere people are on the prowl, but it's not necessarily anymore prevalent online or off, in my experience. Some people are looking for that, some aren't, and if you're not, it's going to be up to you to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. No matter what venue you're using to meet people.

I agree with that - online dating is no more easier or harder than real life dating. The only difference is you may get a lot more dates online that in real life but the % of success is probably the same (if I had to hazard a guess). But personally I am not a fling sort of a person so I much rather stay away from serial dating that the online variety offers.

There have been some amazing success stories online, I met a few couples who met online who are married and engaged etc.

[Sanman111]

Despite having started this thread, I have to agree that I don't think that it is any worse than in real life. Actually, I started online dating specifically because I want more than just sex. If I wanted that, then I would have simply continued hitting bars/parties with my friends. I find that my chances of "getting laid" are better when everyone is drinking. However, I rarely found anybody that wanted to converse about more than sports, clothes, and being drunk. Then again, I did find a psychology graduate text in a bar in New York once. Still curious about the owner and if I know him/her.

Three of my best friends met their girlfriends online. Two are on their way to being engaged after 2-3 years and the third is considering movng in with his gf next year.