Making friends

[Mn84evR]

Hello all,

This is my first post. I've been reading the boards for about a week or so now. I'm glad that there are others out there that are feeling as confused as myself.

I'll be 26 in a month. I look like i'm 20. I'm female. I don't really have many friends. I have a few friends, but most of them are guys. I have one female friend. I can count all of my friends on 2 hands, and have fingers left over :(

I work at 2 small companies (both less then 10 people), and am the youngest one at both.

I would like to have more friends, or at least a few female friends, but i don't know how to go out and make them.

If anyone has any advice, i'd really appreciate it.

Thanks a bunch.

[pittgirl]

There is nothing wrong with having only a few friends, I am in the same boat as you. I am just very big on trusting people and such, because in my past some people have really burned me hard. Plus it's easier for me to make friends with males than females, I think it's really hard for some females to make friendships, something in your genetics or something. I don't want to make anyone upset or anything, but I think females can be really caddy at times when it comes to female friends, I could be wrong though.

I know how it is with work, with what I do and work, you can't just talk to your co workers every day and go out and do something afterwards. Try going and taking a class at a local college in something you enjoy, that's a good way to make friends. Go to public places like that where you can meet people.

However though I forget who said this but I remember the quote that if a person has three really close friends in life, they are a very lucky person to have that many friends. Hope I have helped some!

[HrtofGold25]

Mn84evR,

I am in the same situation! 2 years ago I packed up all of my belongings and moved to a city that I had never been to before. My job is great and there are a lot of people my age around, but most of them are either married, or have s.o.'s.

My mom keeps telling me that I should get out and meet people, but what do you do? go to the bar by yourself and hope to meet someone? go to the library and ask people what they are reading? I think that people that aren't in our situation don't have a clue how hard it is to make new friends.

My sister is married and has kids - her kids will start playing with other kids at the grocery store and my sister will become friends with the other kids' parents. She has called me before and told me that she just met a knew friend at the grocery store and that she doesn't understand why I have so much trouble meeting new people. -It drives me crazy!!

The only idea I can think of for you, is to start planning nights out and invite people from work - tell them that they are more than welcome to bring their friends from ouside of work. Go out and enjoy yourself - regardless of how many people show up. People will bring their friends and you may start to meet people that they know and their friends too... It may take a while to start meeting new people, but it would be a good start.

Oh, and try to be a happy person - who doesn't like to be around happy people!?!?! :lol:


Pittgirl,
I completely agree with you about making friends with females - I think that it is just a continual competition... (whether we are willing to admit it or not).

[Mn84evR]

HrtofGold25 you are absolutely right. It's as if everyone around me is confused as to why i don't have more friends.

I work at 2 companies, and as i said before i'm the youngest. Everyone else is 35+, so i'm not so sure that i could just invite them all out. It's like we're in different worlds or something. Nothing in common except for work.

I do try to be happy.

Pittgirl, I also agree that females can be abit caddy, but at the same time, it would be nice to talk to a female about female/girly stuff...my guy friends just don't understand :)

[Crimson King II]

This is a great thread, and really deserves some attention. It's a common problem. I often find myself simply wondering what all of my old friends are up to. I never see any of them, and friends from work don't carry the same weight...they don't share the same background or experiences you have during your formative years. And now, at our age, people are wary of getting close to anyone new...you would think that everyone is an axe murderer the way people are about making new friends.

I wish I had better advice, but I'm there with you. A handful of friends and me...oh well.

I hope others throw some thoughts out here as well...I'd like to hear their take.

[Silent Echoes]

Well I can relate to what you all are saying..but at least you still have a handful of friends I have none in the US and yes I've been told I should get out and try to make freinds but the thing is I don't know how. I don't hang out at bars or clubs and in any case I am very shy and that is also a problem because it's not like I'm gonna go up to a complete stranger and start up a conversation. Plus I don't know much places around here or where all the pple my age hangs out, I am clueless. Also I haven't ben able to get a job so far so I have no co-workers to hang with and even if I did get a job most of the work places around me have pple far more older than me so it sucks. In fact I rarely go out, I have nobody to go with. And when I was living back in my country, I only had a handful of friends most of which I hardly hang out with cause they were always too busy to really keep in touch.

Ad yes I do agree that female frnds can be pretty bitchy..

Best I can tell you is that be thankful for the hadnful of frnds you have around you cause it could be worse, you could have NONE at all like me;)

[kimmer23]

it is harder to make friends as you get older, but i have turned my friends's friends into my friends as well. does that make sense?? hehe! i have made friends from the people my friends are friends with. when we go out i bring a few of my friends and they bring a few of theirs. its a good way to meet people that probably have similar interests as you(i mean they are already friends with your friends, so they cant be too bad, right?) i have met a lot of people that way since i am out of school and am self employeed(no co workers) i think if you can manage to have one friend eventually you'll meet other people from them. why not give older people a chance too? a lot of my friends are friends with their older coworkers. me and my husband just last night when to this cigar bar with our realtor and loan guy and they are in their 40's. they are cooler than some of my 20 something friends. dont discount people because they are "older" either.

[Nicola]

Wow - Misery loves company . . . I am glad I'm not the only one with this problem - I thought I just couldn't make friends! I just graduated and moved to a big city and work with a bunch of people older than I am. In fact, all the people I work with transferred to this office from the same city I came from, so none of us know anyone here! I keep thinking I should go to cooking classes, or salsa lessons to meet people but 1) I feel like a dork showing up to those types of things by myself when most other people would go with a friend and 2) it's still hard to find people my age!

I was the first to graduate from school out of my group of friends as I got my degree in 3.5 years, so everyone else is still at school, many many miles away from me. And sadly, I never get calls from any of the people I thought were my friends except for ONE! How depressing . . . So much for friends forever . . . and to top it off - my BEST friend from high school AND middle school actually lives in this city I moved to . . . and she doesn't even call me. I'm always the one that has to arrange for us to get together. It's hard . . . but I figure it just takes time, right?

And I thought everything would be just dandy when I graduated from college . . .

[MissK8]

Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in and vent... same situation, obviously. Where I work everyone is 40+ !!! Well, so much for that. The one high school friend I still talk to is married and you know how that goes... and everyone from college has moved all over the state (or country). And I just get the distinct vibe that no one wants or needs a new friend. My mom says I am "projecting" my insecurities onto others! I don't know about that.... And seeing these messages makes me think I am correct in feeling this way, seeing as how you guys seem to feel it too.

And to top it off, I'm EXTREMELY shy, I don't want to do anything at all by myself (the thought makes me want to hibernate under my covers all weekend). But I figure that I really just have to force myself so I am working up to some things... My promise to myself is that I will take at least one class at the community college that they offer to adults "for fun" - (I am thinking photography), and I am going to volunteer. I want to help out at a literacy program but I'm seeing that as more a one on one thing rather than a group effort. But you figure people who volunteer are usually friendly and helpful. Maybe I'll meet some decent people!

So in summary I've come up with taking "for fun" classes, going to parks to be outdoors and observe stuff that is going on, volunteering (something as simple as one or two days per month), and generally just trying to smile a lot and be happy. I'm not ruling out the internet either....

but it sucks. seems like it takes waaaay too much effort if you sit down and analyze it.

[shimmer728]

I've found it can be really hard to make new friends once you're out of college. In college, it was really easy to meet people through classes and extracurriculars, plus the dorms......I know the people I was closest with were the girls I lived with. Luckily, at my job, there are a few people there who are my age that I have become friendly with. The downside is that we end up goofing off and talking about non-work topics during the workday, thereby pissing other co-workers off :D

Even still, though, I've never been the kind of person to have TONS of friends. I do have an awful lot of shallow acquaintances--like people I'll run into at the local bar, or people I've interviewed for stories--but most aren't the sort of people I'd be able to call if I were in trouble.

[kimmer23]

am i the only one that makes friends with my realtor and my hair stylist? i have no coworkers, so i make friends from other aspects of my life.

[kimmer23]

sometimes you just have to go to the SAME place every week (restaurant, bar, bowling alley, etc...) and you meet regulars and become friends with a lot of people.

[Nissangurl]

Hey girl, I am nearby (Hamilton) and am always looking for a new girlfriend. I have 3 really great girlfriends, and a couple of good guy friends so there will be lot's of new people for you to meet! I feel for you. I am also the youngest where i work and I haven't made a new friend in years. I just still have my freinds from school and random jobs when I was 16. Anyways, take care. email me if you like. Only respond if you love shopping ;).:razz:

[Mn84evR]

:) Shopping....sounds good to me :)

[kimmer23]

i have a lot of people that i consider friends, but arent BEST friends or VERY GOOD friends. i have 2 girlfriends that i would consider best friends and 2 other girlfriends that i would consider as very good friends. i never really thought of all this until i got married and had to pick people for maid of honor and bridesmaids. ever see those girls with like 10 bridesmaids? i think that is so dumb. are you really that close with 10 girls? (other than the fact that those girls could be sisters or cousins--but it still is silly). if you would have these people in your wedding or be your paul bearer at your funeral than i would consider them best or very good friends.

[teadrinker]

I've been feeling like the freak of the world lately because I don't have very many friends and I am shy and I also don't know how to make friends. But it sounds like everyone feels the same way, so we aren't freaks. Anyway, the phrase "make a friend" isn't right anyway, is it? It sounds like a kit that you could buy at a hobby store... Friendship isn't like that.

[shimmer728]

Originally posted by kimmer23
i have a lot of people that i consider friends, but arent BEST friends or VERY GOOD friends. i have 2 girlfriends that i would consider best friends and 2 other girlfriends that i would consider as very good friends. i never really thought of all this until i got married and had to pick people for maid of honor and bridesmaids. ever see those girls with like 10 bridesmaids? i think that is so dumb. are you really that close with 10 girls? (other than the fact that those girls could be sisters or cousins--but it still is silly). if you would have these people in your wedding or be your paul bearer at your funeral than i would consider them best or very good friends.

That is funny, I think about that situation all the time!! I already have two sisters and my best friend, who are obviously going to be in my wedding someday, and that's three girls right there......and that's not even counting if the guy I marry has sisters, since you are sort of obligated to include them in the wedding. Then I have three roomies from college that I always thought would be in the wedding. But I don't want that big of a wedding party. At least I don't think I do.

[kimmer23]

i didnt have my husband's sister in my wedding. i didnt want tons of people like a parade. i have no sisters, so i had my best friend from childhood and my current very good friends.

[BeAnAngel]

I am having trouble making new friends as well. All of my college friends have graduated, now married, and some having children. I don't talk to them as much & from reading other posts would consider them "acquintances" now. I really don't have any close girl friends. At work, I have one guy friend. But I don't have anyone to hang out with. Sometimes I just wish that I had someone to go eat lunch or dinner with, or have a drink after work, go shopping, or whatever. ...But it is kind of weird. I feel like people already have "their friends" and don't want to get to know me. Does anyone else feel like that? How do you make new friends?

[cheshrcarol]

I'm in the same boat as everyone else it seems. Over the last couple years I've grown apart from the friends I had around here and everyone at work is either older, or is to busy with their SO. I'm still close to my college friends, but they all live between 2 and 6 hours away.

I was thinking about taking some grad classes as a way to meet people. Back in school I was always able to find people in class to be friendly with, so who knows. I know this has been said before, but it's too bad we don't all live in the same city!

[cheshrcarol]

I can't believe there are so few people our age at St. Rose and SUNY, that's kind of disappointing. My roommate works at Sage and is taking some classes at the grad school there and met some people, which is actually where I got the idea from. So maybe I'll give it a try there.

[pisces2473]

I didn't meet anyone when I was a full time student at UMass Boston, and I'm not really bonding with anyone at U of New Haven. People are just really busy, that's what I've discovered, and they just want to do their class, and then go home.

[paperjam1015]

Regarding the "Make a friend" I always thought that phrase is used because is it takes effort to make friends. People don't just come say hey, let's be friends. And if they do...get away as fast as you can.

[pisces2473]

LOL PJ!!!!!! My brother told me a story about how he was in kindergarten and this kid came up to him, saying, "Hi, my name is Miguel, can we be friends?" My brother took one look at him and was like, "No way," and ran off.

[cheshrcarol]

paperjam - hey, want to be friends? ;)

[paperjam1015]

(RUNS out of this thread!)

;)

[teadrinker]

y'all scared off paperjam. see what you did?

[cheshrcarol]

I'm sorry. I just wanted a friend. :cry:

[kimmer23]

yeah i was wondering the same thing of this board. if no one can meet anyone, be friends with the people on here. i wish there were more people on this board from baltimore though. it seems like everyone is either from mass. or california.

[coll214]

That's actually how i met Jen (pisces)... through this board. And she didn't turn out to be a serial killing axe murderer :p . Lol.

[Crimson King II]

The important thing is that YOU believe that, Colleen.

[coll214]

Haha... well i'm still here aren't I ;) ?

[girlwquestions]

Originally posted by HrtofGold25
Mn84evR,

I think that people that aren't in our situation don't have a clue how hard it is to make new friends.

My sister is married and has kids - her kids will start playing with other kids at the grocery store and my sister will become friends with the other kids' parents. She has called me before and told me that she just met a knew friend at the grocery store and that she doesn't understand why I have so much trouble meeting new people. -It drives me crazy!!



I agree that sometimes other people seem to not understand us. It's not that easy to make friends. I consider myself an outgoing person and I do meet people wherever I go, but meeting "people" is different from meeting "friends." It takes a special kind of bonding to actually become friends.

I think that people have a clue. They want to help us by giving us solutions. When they give us advice or solutions, it seems so easy, but in reality, it's not, so we think that they don't have a clue. I think they do, though. They just come off as seeming clueless, because the solution to our problem is easy...at least saying it is easy: "go out, meet people" "you can meet people anywhere: library, gym, school, waiting in line" "just talk to people" "smile and just say hi"......yea, these are all solutions, but saying them is soooooooo much easier than actually doing them. I mean, have anyone actually met anyone at the gym? I have been to gyms in the city and I haven't met anyone. At the school gym, I manage to meet people I already know and establish some sort of closer bond, but never fullfledged friendship let's chat for 3 hours on the phone tonight friendship---you get what I mean? I have never met stranger at a gym and establish a friendship.

It's hard. And yes, having a prop like a baby helps. LOL. I think that I will get a dog for that purpose...or not. =) Just a thought.

[Crimson King II]

You are still here....as her alibi...she's taking you down with her.

[coll214]

Hmm... or maybe I'M the serial killer and she's MY alibi!

[girlwquestions]

Originally posted by BeAnAngel
I am having trouble making new friends as well. All of my college friends have graduated, now married, and some having children. I don't talk to them as much & from reading other posts would consider them "acquintances" now. I really don't have any close girl friends. At work, I have one guy friend. But I don't have anyone to hang out with. Sometimes I just wish that I had someone to go eat lunch or dinner with, or have a drink after work, go shopping, or whatever. ...But it is kind of weird. I feel like people already have "their friends" and don't want to get to know me. Does anyone else feel like that? How do you make new friends?

Sometimes it's just very hard to make friends, regardless of what YOU are like. It's not you, it could just be the situation.

I'm very analytical and I notice a few things about life. Remember entering college? That first semester...how fun it was? Everyone was so nice. Everyone wants to be everybody's friends? Everyone eats dinner together and goes to the same parties? And then gradually, you settle down to your own small clique or group of friends. Now, instead of having 20 people to eat dinner with (I'm not making up the number), you have 5. Then, as time goes by, you start to just eat dinner with 1 person (your best friend, your boyfriend/girlfriend, your roommate). And then it just kind of stops there. You still meet people, but it's not the same, because you will have your established friends and they will have theirs. In the beginning, you are all friends, now it's your friends and their friends. I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

Basically, I notice that there's an optimal time to making friends and it's usually in the beginning of something (high school, college, job), because the beginning is fresh to everyone and everyone is OPEN to friendships. Everyone HAS A REASON to make friends; they are all new and wants to get to know people. By the end of college, it's like: YO, I should have my friends already. People will think I'm loser if I force friendship onto them. Plus, it's just hard to break into a clique once the clique is formed. You will need to become very good friends with one of the clique members in order to break into it. Okay friends are not enough. You need to be VERY GOOD friends. That person needs to want you there all the time (that's how girlfriends/boyfriends share friends). But it doesn't have to gf/bf, it could just be a regular friend who really likes you and wants you there all the time.

So, if any of you are entering a new job soon, make sure you seize those first two weeks and establish as many friendships as possible! It's crucial that you make your friendships early, because once you miss the boat, you missed it.

[girlwquestions]

Originally posted by paperjam1015
Regarding the "Make a friend" I always thought that phrase is used because is it takes effort to make friends. People don't just come say hey, let's be friends. And if they do...get away as fast as you can.

Why should u get away from them? I don't personally use that phrases, but if someone decides to get to know you or approaches, isn't that technically what they're saying? Let's be friends?

I mean, why should you run away from people who likes you.

I know what you mean, though....if they seem like psychos, then run, but if they just seem friendly, by all means, talk.

[pisces2473]

HEY! Coll and CK--you better watch it!

Yes, Coll and I met throught the board. She sounded like she was someone I'd hang out with, so I PM'd her asking what university she worked at, turned out we both were at Yale and miserable, so we emailed for awhile, then I asked her if she'd think it weird if we met up for drinks or coffee. So we went to lunch one day...and have been chatting/friends ever since!

[Crimson King II]

Creepy, isn't it coll. I don't think you're her alibi. The similarities suggest you're her scapegoat. You should probably turn her in immediately...before she does that to you!

[kimmer23]

it definitely was hard making friends in college. i have met most of my friends and acquaintances through either other friends or through business. in college i was a commuter student and everyone else that was a commuter student was busy with work or had a family to take care of. the stduents that lived on campus seemed to lead a different life than i did and we didnt have much in common. the best "results" for making friends for me was through other people.

[coll214]

Ha CK... good point!! Don't want to be a scapegoat more than i already am! lol.

Met- yeah, i thought it was funny too. But hey, stranger things have happened...

kimmer- I was also a commuter in college. A lot of my friends while there were also commuters. We seemed to band together. But after graduation, w/ the exception of a few, i've lost touch. So now my friends seem to be through other friends...

[kimmer23]

i used to go to karoake every week and i met a lot of people though there. now on tuesdays me and alan and 2 friends go to this beer club thing downtown. its real low key and lots of different ages of people. there seemed to be an older crowd this past week and this old guy was talking to my friend about marital troubles. it was funny...felt bad for the dude though.

[coll214]

Originally posted by kimmer23
i used to go to karoake every week and i met a lot of people though there.

Same here :p . Definitely met some interesting ppl there. But always a good time. And keeps me in touch w/ everyone.

[kimmer23]

even if i dont become good friends with the beer club people (good friends as in hanging out with these people elsewhere besides the beer club) they are still fun to talk to and socialize with while i am there.

[Marce]

I am in the same boat. I don't have many friends at all. But at the same time, I don't really mind. I have some really good friends that I have had for ages. That is okay with me even though they live like thousand miles away. They are the friends you can count on even if you haven't spoke to them in months. I have had some friends in the past who made my life worse rather than better. So I very content where I am. :p

[paperjam1015]

Why should u get away from them? I don't personally use that phrases, but if someone decides to get to know you or approaches, isn't that technically what they're saying? Let's be friends?

I was just speaking tongue in cheek. I am generally pretty sarcastic..as you will learn. But there is truth is what I am saying. You have to ease into friendship. It is never just automatic. If it is automatic, it's likely just based on neediness. You start w/ lunch/coffee/drinks/ meaningless chit chat. You strt haning out more. You start getting to know each other better. The natural progression of any realtionship. There is just a moment where it clicks

[lostindc]

I guess there's always the QLC boards . . .

[Lissa1979]

I really liked reading everyone else's posts about how hard it is to make new friends after college. It's definitely true!

Since moving to the DC metro area after graduation, I've had limited success w/ finding good female friends. It seems like I'll make some new friends, we'll hang out for a few months, and then they just fade away.

Melissa

[shimmer728]

I was just thinking the other day that I really seem to get along better with guys than girls. I actually think that I'm a little shyer around girls. It doesn't make sense to me. I grew up with only sisters. I'm the consummate girly girl. You'd think I'd have a whole gaggle of giggling girlfriends. :confused:

[jo-less]

Hi

I'm rather new to all this. Anyway, one suggestion that nobody seems to have made yet is making friends through sport. I moved with my s.o into a city where we knew no one about 2 years ago and the majority of friends I have now are through rowing and (for the US - field) hockey. A common interest, time spent together and reliance on others to do well makes some good friends.

The only problem I do have is that I don't know any new guys. All the sports are womens and that makes it hard to meet guys. Ah well, could be worse! :cool:

[Luquee]

I can totally relate to this problem. I have never been one to have a lot of friends. The couple of good friends I had growing up have all drifted away and done their own thing. I'm very close to my female cousins and to my sisters though. They are my true friends. I would love to have a close-knit group of girlfriends that I can always depend on, like in Sex in the City. :) I love that show because I can live vicariously through them. Anyway, sometimes I get really depressed about my inability to make friends easily. At my job I'm mostly cut off from people because I'm in my office most of the day. I am in school so that helps me to meet more people. I am so grateful for the few real friends I do have though.

[girlwquestions]

Sex and the City is not real. In real life, none of them would be friends with each other. They are too different and they all have careers. You think Miranda and Samantha can actually do lunch everyday with the other two?

But I know what you mean....actually, I'd rather have a group of friends like Friends or Will and Grace. I think it's important to have male and female friends.

As for me, I think I bond better with girls, but I love having guys around, because they're so much fun. If it's just a bunch of girls hanging together, then it's just shopping....but with guys, there's so much more to do. I think I would like to have a guy friend like Will to Grace, just not gay, because I want a real guy....because gay guys to me are just girls. =) (but I love my gay friends anyway).

[lostinNC]

I'm new to this, but i have this problem as well. I am self-employed and have worked hard to get to the point where i can afford to work on my business from home, but now I get lonely. I miss the people and the support from others. I don't however miss the bitchy people and the constant gossip.

My husband is in the military and he has to leave a lot to go overseas. He hates leaving and I am left working by myself all day for months. I often find myself doubting what I'm doing and thinking I should just take a crappy job outside of my business just to be with people. Oh, and I just celebrated my 26th birthday and I couldn't be more confused about my life. Oh, and it doesn;t help that all my friends are having babies!! (and they want me too!!) My husband is ready, but I'm really not....

I could go on and on, but I'll spare everyone.

Damn, it feels good to get this out!!

[shimmer728]

I've never had a problem finding ways to entertain myself--as something of a lonely teenager, I did a lot of reading and writing. I still enjoy those things very much, but lately I've been feeling a little blah. :neutral: A lot of it's because scheduling conflicts prevent me from spending much time with friends during the week, whereas I used to have a pretty full schedule. Sigh.

[Luquee]

Last night my husband and I were talking about this whole "friend" thing. I was telling him about what you all have said and how we are not the only ones going through this. My husband is a full-time student and is around people all day but he says he still feels lonely. He's not sure how to go about making an actual friend, rather than just a class aquaintance. We recently just moved to this city and really don't know anyone. It's been kind of hard on both of us.

[lb603m]

Why don't you try volunteering or signing up for some class at your local community college. I don't mean Economics or something boring like that; I mean music appreciation or dance or home improvement. Even if you don't make friends in the process you still will have learned something useful and enriching.

[Desiderata]

What I always found helpful while attending school was to go to a local coffee shop. Just grab some java, read a book, whatever. Spending time in the school's area, tend to have atleast a few others come by. Just an idea

[Starfish81]

Originally posted by cheshrcarol
I know this has been said before, but it's too bad we don't all live in the same city!

Exactly. It's so funny how there are people out there who you have so much in common with, but you like thousands of miles away.

[J-girl]

hey where do u work in toronto, i work downtown as well.

As for the original post, I agree I have a hard time making friends as well. I had a 100 best friends in first year university (and I didnt even have a cell phone back then!). Anyways it is really hard to make friends once u are out of college, but internet is useful I have actually made a couple of good girlfriends through the internet!