View Full Version : Have to do Something, Make Changes ... but What??

02-06-2011, 09:37 AM
Okay, so I got engaged last week. I was thrilled that he asked and have no doubts about spending my life with him, but now I feel like I have SO MUCH to accomplish and no idea where to start or what to do.
We're going to take things slowly, so we don't have a date chosen or anything yet, but I have been struck with this feeling of ... OMG ... how am I going to do this?

We both have to get new jobs, especially me. My hourly wage is total CRAP. But at 26, I STILL don't know what I want to be 'when I grow up.' So how do I know where to apply? Do I take some random classes? Do I just jump back into school even though I really don't want to and can't afford it and don't know what I'd study? Do I just take on a 2nd job? Do I just apply every where for everything?

I still really want to write and hopefully get published and make some money with my writing. I'm taking a correspondence course that is (slowly) giving me some direction, but is that where it stops? Do I concentrate fully on that? Or should I branch out and start submitting already? Should I try PubIt on Barnes and Noble? And if so, how do I notify people about it? How do I pick and choose what to submit?

When we start looking for a place to live, should we go to an apartment? If so, how long do we stay there? Or should we look for a town house or condo? Or go with a full blown house? What can we handle? What can we afford?

I've just never faced these types of giant decisions before. I'm excited but also petrified. I know I need to make changes but I don't know where to start...I'm afraid to start ... sigh ... what do i do...

02-06-2011, 10:06 AM
You start by relaxing and enjoying just being engaged for another week or so. Then, you sit down with your SO and make a list of priorities. Discuss TOGETHER what order things need to be addressed in. :)

02-06-2011, 10:40 AM
Noone in these forums, or even in your real life can give you all the answers. 'Cause this is your life, and you understand your needs and desires better than anyone. It's your responsibility to answer these questions. But you don't have to answer them all in 1 day... take your time. :)

02-06-2011, 11:37 AM
Honestly, being engaged is just a new title. You shouldn't run out and spend money you don't have or take classes you don't want to take, just because it sounds like the right thing to do since you are now with this new title on your relationship.

Just continue living life, and taking it how it comes.

02-06-2011, 03:36 PM
First, I want to say, CONGRATULATIONS! :D

Then, I want to ask why you feel the need to make all of these changes at once? It it:

-You need more money for the wedding?
-You believe married people must have a certain standard of living?
-You feel you must accomplish a certain number of goals prior to the wedding?

If you can share what your end goals are, I would probably have some more specific advice. That said, I don't think getting engaged means you need to embark on a mad frenzy of goal-setting and self-improvement. Goals are great, especially if they enhance your life. But figure out if you're setting these goals - getting published, finding a new house, making more money, etc. - for YOU or because you feel you need to live up to some certain standard before getting married.

I don't know if this will help, but my dad told me that when he and my mom got engaged, they were both in school, had like no money, etc. They didn't have an engagement ring, they lived in apartments, etc. It's really pretty common to start out engaged or married life while you're still figuring things out or putting your career together. I know my parents did not start married life out with lots of money, a great house, great careers, etc. They worked towards those things. If you're feeling like you have to have it all together before you get married - DON'T! It's a process.

Also, planning a wedding can also be stressful on its own, so I'd advise you not to heap too many stressors on yourself all at once. We just picked our date, and we're kinda struggling with how to put all of the pieces together. I think giving yourself a big to-do list is probably the worst thing for your stress levels right now. Enjoy being engaged. Why rush your goals?

02-06-2011, 04:58 PM
the thing is, i've had these goals for awhile now -- the job, getting published, etc. But i guess i was never motivated enough ... ugh, that sounds horrible. And I guess I never realized how crappy my hourly wage was until I started crunching numbers with my SO about having our own place, etc.
I just feel like a naive idiot now, thinking I could swing my own place, car, wedding, and stuff with my current job.
And I feel like once I'm living with my fiance, i'll have less time to work on job searching and writing because of housework, cooking, wedding planning, all that jazz.
And once we're married, we'll eventually start thinking about kids and ... yeah ... there will be no time for ANYTHING after that.

And ... my mom is sick. As a matter of fact, we almost lost her back in December. She's home now, and recovering, but ever since she scared the hell out of us a few months ago, now I'm petrified that she's not going to be around much longer. With her health issues, it's kinda unpredictable. She could live another 20 years ... or if more complications come up ... sigh ... who knows.
I'm just terrified that she's not going to be around when I finally do get married, move out, have kids ... so maybe i'm kinda rushing things.
oh i don't know.
I am such a mess.

02-06-2011, 05:03 PM
These are all things that happen whether you are engaged, married or.......just living life in general.

DH has not been bringing in money lately so that's stressful on our marriage. Things were a lot better financially before we were married.

There's people who are sick and dying in our family right now, as well.

It is what it is. You can't predict the future, or even in many cases PLAN for it either.

02-09-2011, 12:08 AM
I don't know if this will help, but my dad told me that when he and my mom got engaged, they were both in school, had like no money, etc. They didn't have an engagement ring, they lived in apartments, etc. It's really pretty common to start out engaged or married life while you're still figuring things out or putting your career together.

My dad told me the following two things that gave me an idea of how broke my parents were when they were first starting out:

First, my dad worked full-time at a deli while he put himself through school for his teaching degree. He told me that he made more money during his last full year working at the deli than he did during his first full year of teaching.

Also, when my parents first married and started having children, they lived halfway between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia (near the halfway point on the PA Turnpike), while both of their families lived near Pittsburgh. When us kids were really young, my parents had to budget for and figure out a way to pay for the turnpike tolls and gas before they could drive to the Pittsburgh area to visit their families.

(Also, when I was really young, my family qualified for WIC even though my dad was a teacher and worked a second job on top of that.)