PDA

View Full Version : When somebody says something



PenforPrez
04-22-2012, 10:36 PM
I'm very big on being honest and upfront with people. I'm the worst liar in the world, so I stake my reputation on honesty and integrity. So here's what I'm wondering--if somebody you like says something that hurts your feelings, should you say something or let it go?

What happened, I know this girl that I really like. She won't go out with me, partially because she's one of those people who are too busy to date--divorced with kids, two jobs, etc. But this is somebody I like and wish I could build a closer friendship with.

Anyway, there's something we're involved in, and she told me today that she felt like she was not part of the discussion within this particular group of people we work with. Furthermore, she claimed I was in with the group trying to keep her out of the discussion. She didn't accuse me of purposely trying to exclude her, but she seemed to think I was more on their side.

That is both unfair and inaccurate. I have done everything to make sure she is part of the discussion. I have personally reached out to try to help, which she has refused on at least one occasion. I have busted my ass to do whatever I can, because that's what I do. But the fact that I do like this person in a more than friendly way made this really hurt. I thought this was somebody who knew me better than that. I don't know what to say or do. I don't know if I should tell her how much that hurt or if I should just let it go. Not that it matters--I'm never going to go out with her regardless.

Why do I try? Seriously? :(

Paul

Mini14
04-22-2012, 11:04 PM
I think you have every right to tell her that she has got the wrong idea and that you have in fact been trying to do the opposite to what she thinks. Hopefully she will respect what you have to say, and see it from your point of view. But even if she doesn't, I think being open and honest (in a tactful diplomatic way of course) is a good thing because your feelings are important!

PenforPrez
04-23-2012, 01:50 PM
I think you have every right to tell her that she has got the wrong idea and that you have in fact been trying to do the opposite to what she thinks. Hopefully she will respect what you have to say, and see it from your point of view. But even if she doesn't, I think being open and honest (in a tactful diplomatic way of course) is a good thing because your feelings are important!

Actually, now that I think about it, I have done that to an extent. There was a thing about a month ago where she had expressed concern about getting an assignment she did not want and should not have. Furthermore, I firmly believed such a result would have been unfair to all concerned. So I was involved in the decision, and I quite openly fought for what she wanted because I believed it was right. I won, at some cost to political capital.

I quite openly told her what I had done and why I had done it. I wish she had shown more appreciation, but she did not. I'd forgotten about that till this morning, so now what she said is even more inaccurate.

Paul

Tayl405
04-23-2012, 02:03 PM
It can't hurt to try to clear the air, but I would leave romantic feelings out of it and approach solely as a friend.

Misunderstandings happen. It will probably make her feel better if you explain.

PenforPrez
04-23-2012, 05:28 PM
It can't hurt to try to clear the air, but I would leave romantic feelings out of it and approach solely as a friend.

Misunderstandings happen. It will probably make her feel better if you explain.

Romantic feelings are right out regardless. She knows how I feel, but she's one of those people who openly told me she doesn't date anyone because she has literally no time for it. :googly: Furthermore, she's not interested, so that would be beating a dead horse.

My concern is trying to build a friendship and how that might be affected by trying to clear the air. I really want to, but I'm lost on how.

Paul

winneythepooh7
04-23-2012, 07:15 PM
You can explain your piece, however, in my experience, people like this already see things a certain way, and often feel paranoid and excluded no matter how much you try, and even if that's not the case.

I may not be explaining it right, but if you feel like you're beating a dead horse with her about things already, it's probably just her and not you at all ;).

ebruening
04-29-2012, 03:51 PM
You can explain your piece, however, in my experience, people like this already see things a certain way, and often feel paranoid and excluded no matter how much you try, and even if that's not the case.


Yes, I agree. Some people want to make everything about them, and given what you've communicated about this lady, it sounds like that might be the case here :rolleyes:

gemma-dahl
05-03-2012, 11:57 PM
I agree with Taylor, winney, and Erika. Some relationships are just not salvageable. By graduation, I was 100 percent on the outs with one of my so-called closest female friends from college. It went down like that because she felt that I got on well with the guys in our social group by hogging the spotlight and cutting her out. Nothing could've been further from the truth, but she didn't see eye to eye with me on the facts. Since I've always been the youngest in my class and was thus the last of our group to turn 21 she began scheduling events at bars that were strict about carding in order to cut me out. I haven't spoken to her in greater depth than "Hi, how are you?" in a decade.

It's always sad, but some people are just not reasonable, and you can't get anywhere with them. :rolleyes: Either way, I wish you best of luck and I hope it works out.

PenforPrez
05-04-2012, 04:10 PM
I agree with Taylor, winney, and Erika. Some relationships are just not salvageable.

It's always sad, but some people are just not reasonable, and you can't get anywhere with them. :rolleyes: Either way, I wish you best of luck and I hope it works out.

I'm just really sad because I really like this person, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't have time to date, so that solves that problem. Never mind I badly want to tell her how much I want to make mad love with her in the woods in a drizzling rain. :redface: You can't say that, no matter how poetic it is.

It just makes me wonder why I fight for people. I'll do anything for anyone, and I don't necessarily see that as a bad trait. But if this is the thanks I get, I really wonder why. :neutral:

Paul

PenforPrez
05-10-2012, 03:30 AM
So the disagreement we had came back up again the other night, and she's still being unreasonable about it.

"I don't like that so-and-so are doing this and that." There's nobody else to do the job--there's only so many capable people. It's not perfect, but it's better than the alternative.

"There needs to be a third party involved." That would be great, except this is very locally specific. There is no third party that could do the job--see above.

"I was never invited to a meeting." I'm not on this committee either, and I didn't know I was allowed to go until someone who is on said committee needed me to go with them. I'm not happy with how they do things either. But apparently, she can go as well, and I'm trying to set that up, much against my better judgment.

I'm trying to get this woman to understand that nobody is purposely trying to exclude her. I've fought for her within the group, so has a good friend of mine. Why she can't see that, I don't know. Even her closest cohort notices I've carried more water for them than Gunga Din. :googly: I've tried to ignore what she said to me about me, but it's hard to do when I like her, etc.

I'm upset because it's my instinct to help people within the group, even if I shouldn't. I just want somebody to say, "Paul, thank you for what you've done." I want this woman to say, "Paul, thank you for what you've done for me." I want people to notice that I give a damn. Is a little gratitude too much to ask?

Paul

PenforPrez
05-10-2012, 12:16 PM
My legs and my feet
Have walked till they can't hardly move
From trying to please you

And my back is sore
From bending over backwards
To just lay the world at your door

And I'm trying hard
To put a smile on a sad face
While deep down, it's breaking my heart

And as sure as the sun shines
I'll be a lifetime
Not knowing if I've done my part

Cause you take me for granted
And it's breaking my heart
And as sure as the sun shines
I'll be a lifetime
Not knowing if I've done my part

"You Take Me For Granted," Merle Haggard (1982)