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holden
04-19-2004, 10:55 AM
I realize this is probably a topic that's been brought up before, but I haven't found a thread for it, so I figured it couldn't hurt to ask:

How do you guys feel about hooking up with friends?

Everyone always seems to have a different take on this, but I've found that (whether subconsciously or not) I tend to become friends with girls that I also find attractive. I also think this happens with people more often than they realize - or maybe it's just guys. I know this was a topic in a different thread, but ask any guy and they'll probably tell you that they'd hook up with any of their female friends if the opportunity arose. It's just the way it is. Even if they don't admit it outright, a night out boozing is always the great equalizer.

Anyway, getting back to my main point, given that guys seem to have a predilection for hooking up with their friends, is there anything so wrong with that? I know people always cite the fact that it could ruin the friendship, but I have female friends who I've been close with for years and years and we can still enjoy a physical relationship without the fear that emotions will get involved.

Unless one person is secretly in love with the other, I think being able to hook-up with your female friends is very rewarding. If you enjoy each other's company anyway, wouldn't it naturally follow that you'd enjoy each other's company on a physical level? I hope I'm not being too much of a stereotypical guy here...

hajime
04-19-2004, 01:26 PM
I don't know that it'd be "very rewarding"... heh. I mean, let's be honest here- the reason any of us considers "hooking up" with friends is because we aren't meeting potential sig other prospects that we would like to develop relationships with. I.e. we are horny and desperate. And our "friend" starts looking mighty good in comparison with shitty loneliness. Let's not make "hooking up" into some kind of highly moral, spiritually fulfilling activity or something... lol

That said, no I don't think it's inherently wrong. I also don't think it really "adds" to a friendship. If anything, I feel like my friendship has become more shallow as a result of it. He doesn't tell me as much about girls he's interested in, and I really have no clue whether he's actively dating (although of course I know that he's not in a serious relationship at the moment). Nor do I really tell him as much about myself... then again, this could just be the dynamics of this specific friendship. But still. I think physical intimacy will alter any relationship, if not consciously, then subconsciously. If the positive changes outweigh the negative, then I think it makes sense to continue.

Beyond your blatant dangers of one person falling for the other, jealousy, etc., there's another danger of dependency... I am very careful not to allow myself to become dependent on that physical comfort... yet that takes active willpower and conscious choice- and it doesn't really come naturally. Whereas... I think with friendship, everything is pretty natural most of the time- you call the person when you feel like it, etc... you don't have to suppress any urges. But it wouldn't feel right to continue with that sort of mindset once the physical component has been added.. you have to worry about not being too needy, and about not making the other person feel used, etc. etc.

Or, maybe, I'm a girl and I think too much. ? ;) I don't know, it could very well be a lot simpler from the guys' perspective.

holden
04-19-2004, 01:51 PM
OK, maybe "very rewarding" was a bit much, but I think you got my point.

I'm often amused by people who are staunchly opposed to taking things to the next level with a friend. The whole "it'll ruin the friendship" scenario inevitably arises, but when you boil it down, shouldn't you want to be friends with your significant other before you date?

I know from my own experience my worst relationships were the ones which were completely driven by lust and I'd wind up dating girls I barely even knew and then wonder why they turned out so poorly or ended so quickly. You can't date someone you have nothing in common with.

My best relationships were the ones that grew out of friendships - you know that you already get along and enjoy spending time with the person and share interests, so there's far less awkwardness. Or maybe I'm just lucky that none of my female friendships have been ruined by the addition of physical intimacy.

Mn84evR
04-19-2004, 02:24 PM
You hit it on the nail with that last sentence Holden.

I am friends with a bunch of guys. There are 4 of us. We're an impromptu 'Seinfeld' crew. :)

One guy started to like me, i not only got the 'vibe' but our other friends confirmed it. We started going out and everything was great. Then one day he stopped talking to me. A week later he broke up with me. No one in our group knows why. So now it's the 3 of us. They hang out with him as well, but he won't even come near me (i haven't turned into psycho ex-girlfriend, so i don't know why he does this).

Before we started going out, i told him that i fear what will happen if things go wrong. I told him that i could still be friends with him, depending on the reasons of the breakup. He said we will never know if we don't try.

I lost a good friend. That's pretty much the only time i've dated a friend. I may do it again in the future, i may not.

I understand what you mean by dating your friends. Dating people you just meet, and then trying to figure each other out is alot of work. It's always easier to just be with people who you already know, and already know what they like and dislike, so you can work on the 'us' instead of the 'who are you.'

That's just my CAD $.02

holden
04-19-2004, 03:01 PM
Haha I like the Seinfeld analogy. Another good example - even though it was just a TV show, there was that one episode where the all wanted to sleep with Elaine, and George definitely wanted to on more than one occasion. It's just one of those things - 3 guys and 1 girl?

And probably the best example of that is Friends (again, obviously citing TV shows isn't the strongest way to back up my point, but, well, y'know). Granted I lost interest after the whole Ross-Rachel thing died down (the hopeless romantic in me), but from what I understand over the last few years is that it seems like all the Friends have hooked up with each other. And doesn't that seem inevitable when you have a tightly-knit group like that, especially when it's an even number of guys and girls?

I'm sorry Mn84evR, that your foray into dating friends ended the way it did. As a guy, I'll be the first to admit that we do inexplicable things, but that's pretty immature of him if he won't even interact with you.

Mn84evR
04-19-2004, 03:10 PM
Yea that's what i was thinking...if we just stayed friends until he was more mature ;) things may have worked out.

We'll plan some big outing and the minute he know's i'm going, he'll all of a sudden have something else to do. Personally he can miss out if he wants, i'm not going to run from him. :)

I know what you mean about comparing these things to tv. It may not be the best comparison, but it's something that alot of us know about, so, whatever, compare it to a tv show.

In Friends, they all lived together for so long, and they did have lives outside of their apartment. They all dated other people, but in the end came back to the people they know, and love.

(yea i hated that i was 'elane' every time. Man she had some messed up hair and clothes sometimes :))

Trvlr
04-19-2004, 03:51 PM
In theory you should be able to have an intimate relationship with a friend. In practical experience I donít think itís such a good idea, and not for the typical it ruins friendship reasons. I have a good sized core group of friends, and they all have their friends who are outside of our group. So people from the core group end up dating or hooking up with these people from the outer group and thatís not a problem, everyone ends up knowing who dated or did whatever with whoever, so there are no surprises for anyone, or if there are it usually isnít that big of deal. The problem comes up when you start dating someone outside of the group. I was sort of in a relationship with one of the outside friends, and then it was over but we maintained an intimate friendship for awhile after that. Well after the intimate friendship was over, I brought my new girlfriend around to a party that one of my friends was having and what do you know the girl was there. Everything was cool though, she was nice and didnít have a problem with it. Well later on in the night everyone was sitting around telling stories, and this girl told a story about me. The story was wasnít raunchy or nasty, and didnít allude to the fact that we had dated or just slept together for awhile, so I didnít think anything about it.

Well the end of the night rolls around and I am in my car with my girlfriend and she says that was a funny story and wanted to know the circumstance of it. So I told her and then she figures out that I used to date that girl. She asked how long ago, I said it was awhile, and then she just kept asking questions, and it got bad when she asked how many girls I had slept with at the party. I told her, and then she freaked out, but I canít blame her, because it has to be a little weird when you meet your new SOís friends for the second time and find out they slept with a decent number of them.

So if you are hooking up with female friends any future girlfriend wonít have to be around on a regular basis it could work, or else you could always lie and say that you never dated or slept with them.

cheshrcarol
04-19-2004, 04:08 PM
How do you guys feel about hooking up with friends?

I think everyone who's posted has been missing an important point here - "hooking up"

Hooking up with friends is completely different from starting a relationship with someone. Relationships are based on emotions, while hooking up is based physical feelings and implies lack of real emotion.

When you hook up with friends everything tends to get mixed up, you're trying to have an emotionless encouter with a person who you already feel something for (by feel i mean friendship). To not cause a disaster, you have to both be coming at the situation from the same place and even then things can get way off track if someone starts to feel something for the other person.

I'm not saying hooking up with friends can't ever end up right, but in my opinion if you're looking for just a hookup, who cares if you "enjoy eachother's company"? It's not like you're planning on doing much talking.

shimmer728
04-20-2004, 02:30 AM
Originally posted by cheshrcarol


I think everyone who's posted has been missing an important point here - "hooking up"

Hooking up with friends is completely different from starting a relationship with someone. Relationships are based on emotions, while hooking up is based physical feelings and implies lack of real emotion.


Good observation.

I've posted this before, but I believe the whole friends with benefits situation is toxic.....one person always wants more.

Starting emotional relationships with friends of the opposite sex is tricky and scary, too.......however, one person isn't likely to end up feeling "screwed" in the end (no pun intended).