Crush - Advice Anyone?

[Unregistered]

I'm wondering if anyone can give me some unbiased advice or commentary on this one. Here's the situation:

I went to high school w/ this guy for a year and we got along great in the class we had together. Always joking around and having a great time. We didn't hang out in high school but after I moved away (out of state), we kept in touch for a little while through letters and then lost touch.

We ran into each other again through a mutual friend ("Mike") years later - after I graduated college and I came back to visit the town that Mike and John still live in. After we saw each other again for the first time, John and I kept in touch and talked probably once a week or so (online only). At first we just kind of joked around in our talking (didn't talk about anything serious) but after awhile conversations would arise where we would talk about what we wanted out of life (kids, marriage, etc.). We only had a couple of those conversations and they were general ones...not like we were making future plans w/ each other or anything. My point being - w/ those conversations he seemed more trusting and open in his communication. That we moved a little beyond having just a "how was your day" and "what movies did you see this weekend?" kind of conversation.

John seems a little flirty at times online and also in person. I went to visit the town he lives in a couple more times - staying w/ and primarily visiting Mike. (I don't know if John thinks I like Mike or not right now, which may complicate the situation. I'm pretty sure he knows that Mike and I are not involved and that I don't have much contact w/ him. Short story: In my first visit back to the town, Mike got jealous that I was spending time w/ John, catching up over the past, and kissed me at the party we were all at. Which is something Mike wouldn't have done in front of all those people...it's not his style. Anyway, I think John saw Mike kiss me but he never said anything about it.) After that had happened, John, Mike, a few friends, and I hung out again while I was visiting and had a great time. There wasn't any weirdness at all and John was even a little flirty in the couple of visits that followed. [Did I lose anyone here??? I hope not...]

I've heard from friends that John is extremely shy and has not really dated much. He's told me that he hasn't had a girlfriend before and that he finds it hard to initiate conversations about dating w/ girls. (He's straight though in case you were asking yourself that question. He's still single as well.)

I'm just beginning to feel like this guy is my destiny, in some odd way. I've always had a crush on him since high school and the feelings remained the same when I saw him again after college. The amazing part of it to me is that we had actually bumped into each other years later, after all that time. He's a wonderful guy - and everything that I'm looking for. He has a great sense of humor, is a person that stands up for what he believes in and will vouch for other people when someone says something against them, is a nice decent human being, intelligent, physically attractive, and even has a small immature streak that makes him fun (part of his sense of humor I guess). One of the things I love about him (and this is something I do for him as well) is that he remembers to ask about events/things that I've told him...he pays attention to the small mundane things about my life, which some of my friends don't even do. I guess you could say I feel like he truly cares and isn't just making conversation about these events just to be polite.

So...we get along really well...the difficult part is we still live about half a day's drive away from each other, which isn't close. (Although in a few years I'm thinking of moving to where he is. Not to move for him, but b/c I'm thinking of going to school there.) The other difficult part is that he's really shy about the topic of dating. Plus I'm his friend. Granted, not a close one, but a friend nonetheless.

Do I just never say anything to him about it? Do I wait until I move (IF that happens...I don't know that it will...) b/c I really don't want to mess up what I feel is my one chance with him by trying a long distance relationship (if he's willing to do so anyway).

Has anyone faced anything similar?

[Antonina]

while I haven't tried this with someone who lives long distance before, as someone who has done the crush thing with friends many many times, I have one simple piece of advice for you: just confess your feelings to him and see what he says (see if he feels the same).

That is the only thing you can do. If you don't, you'll just pine and pine and be no better off. If you do, and he rejects the idea, then you can move on (from experience, you CAN salvage friendships after this if you really try- this has happened to me several times before- no regrets!). If he likes you too, then I'm sure you'll be one happy girl and you can decide what to do from there.

Seeing as you are quite open about your feelings and ideas when you two chat anyway, just drop the bombshell one day while chatting away- take a deep breath and go for it... good luck!

[Spud-Child]

While I haven't been in a similar sitch, what I can tell you is that I have faith in the long distance part. I've been doing it for 4 years now (5 hour drive between us) and it's been great. I think the long distance part really lies with your personal space requirements though. My boyfriend and I both really like our space, and though we talk on the phone between 5-10 times a day having our own lived monday through friday has really been integral, plus it leaves the weekends when we spend 24/7 with eachother to be something special. I think it would be best to just tell him how you feel, but I have never been in the same place as you, so it's amatuer advice, rather than expert advice. ;)

[Jessica]

Life is about taking calculated risks - some pay off and others don't. I would tell him as it's better to know one way or another than waste time on what ifs.....

If he feels the same that's great and if he doesn't well that's not so great obviously, but at least you know and if someone else comes along you're not going to be thinking about John.

I agree with Antonina wholeheartedly on this one. The same thing has happened to me recently - I fell for someone and he knows but he doesn't want the relationship thing. We are still friends and although I was disappointed I'm no longer spending time wondering about the situation.

And besides, you never know...........

[Phoenix]

Hey everyone - thanks for your responses, they were really helpful (I was the original poster :) ). I just had a few more things to add/ask about:

The problem w/ having the long dist. relationship (if it happens) is that I don't have a reliable source of transportation to go see John. (I thought I had put this in the original post but apparently I left it out. Sorry :( ) Plus I don't have the $$ to go fly and see him right now b/c I'm almost unemployed again (my temp job is ending). Eventually when I have a full time permanent job I will be able to save up some $ and buy a new car. But until then...I mean, would I be stupid to even bring it up to him if I have no way of getting up there to see him?

The other thing is, if I bring it up to him, should I do it in person or over the net? John has mentioned he MAY come to visit me in the fall so I could wait to do it then. But if I do it in person and it doesn't go well, we may both just be completely embarrassed. And then he would still be spending the entire weekend w/ me and things may be uncomfortable. But if I do it over the net, I think he may take it as a joke b/c we're always kidding around w/ each other.

Thoughts anyone?

[Spud-Child]

I think in person is definately the way to go, and as a second to that I'd say telephone. If you two are as close friends as you say, then even if it is akward for a little bit, you should be able to put it past you and still enjoy the weekend as friends. The matter of transportation is more tricky. I am in a long distance relationship, but couldn't imagine doing it without my car. Do you think you will have a car by the fall? That might answer both questions in one.

[Phoenix]

To clarify a bit, I don't think I'd consider us all *that close of friends. (As an example, we don't usually talk on the phone unless I'm in town visiting him and we're trying to make plans to meet up.) We usually just talk online...we've had some in-depth conversations and know each others' perspectives on life, but he's not a friend I usually just end up calling up if something good/bad happens in my life (and vice versa). We mention stuff online when we talk, which may be about once, sometimes twice a week.

My fear (while maybe irrational), is that if he doesn't feel the same I will have scared him off for a little while at least(considering that he's shy about the dating scene). I just feel like it's kind of a delicate subject that I will have to think carefully about how to broach w/ him. My purpose for inviting him to visit (he & I discussed this visit months ago) wasn't to ask him about dating or anything...and who knows, he may think that. I think you're right...I think we would be able to get past the initial awkwardness. My concern was just that I didn't want him to be uncomfortable while visiting b/c I care about him (and he is my guest).

Unless I have gainful employment starting next month or so, I don't think there's a way I could have a car by the fall. I have one right now, but it's old and not reliable enough to travel that distance and back constantly (or maybe even once??). I'm just lucky it gets me where I need to go locally for now. but on the up side, if I do get a job anytime soon, I may be able to fly to see him if I can find some cheap rates. So that is an option. but who knows what will happen w/ the job market, you know?

[Jessica]

Phoenix, are you trying to talk yourself out of this now?? Having read some of your posts to others you seem to give really good advice. I think you should take a step back and decide what you'd tell someone else in your position to do as it'll probably be the right thing....

[Phoenix]

Jessica - Ay, there's the rub! lol It is so hard to give yourself advice but so easy to give others the advice when you're distant from it.

You're right, I may partly be trying to back out. But personality wise, I'm also the practical type of person who likes to think ahead and think things out at a lot of different angles (think about the what-ifs and the complications). Perhaps I'm beginning to analyze the situation to death though! :)

I have gone thru a situation before where a friend and I got involved. It wasn't mutual for him at first, so I've been through the rejection part. That I can get over. And I know I can talk to John. I think I just have to take a deep breath, psyche myself up, and do it when I feel the moment is right. It's just nerve-racking! :)

[Antonina]

Yeah, I agree- you ARE analysing it to death now! ;) Don't worry, I do exactly the same thing. But honestly, like I said before there is nothing to lose. I've confessed things to three guy friends that I have been infatuated with now (and been rejected three times-oops! But it's ok, I've found a new boy who hasn't rejected me, hehe) and I still don't regret having laid it on the line. Be brave, and throw caution to the wind. You'll be so happy if it's mutual, and if it's not, then at least you can be proud of the bold confident person you are in having taken the risk.

[Jessica]

I suppose it goes without saying that we are all guilty of analysing things to death, otherwise why would we be here in the first place!!

So let's try a novelty approach, in the words of that famous brand Nike, "Just do it"!! There's not actually that much to be afraid of!

[Phoenix]

Just wanted to come back and say thanks to everyone who posted and gave me encouragement. I feel like I've given quite a bit of advice *out in other posts - and it was nice to get positive responses on the first time I put *myself out there.

It may be some time before I speak to John about this...but if it works out positively, I'll let you know! Keep your fingers crossed! :)