Friends with your ex(es)?

[Phoenix]

I was thinking about this the other day and was just curious as to who is still friends with their ex(es)? (Dating or full out relationship)

[MissK8]

I don't know if this counts: the person I dated for my entire junior high years and I are still friends... well we weren't friends immediately after the break up (our first year of high school, 10th grade), but now, almost 10 years later after junior high, and we are still great friends. In fact, he is the only friend I still have from high school.

other boyfriends from high school, not so much....

But like I said, I don't think any of that counts.... I don't know about "real" college/post college adult relationships, because I just had my first one end, so we'll see.....

[dazed]

good topic....yes i am still friends with all but one of my exes. that makes me in touch with 2 people. one who i was kinda in a relationship with. the other i just went on a few dates with. the latter i'm not really friends with i guess, more like friendly. but the former and i are definitely good friends. he was a good guy. it just didn't work out.

[shimmer728]

For the most part, no, which is fine by me.

[wordsmith]

Good topic. I was once the girl who was always friends with her exes. Not so much anymore.

I think this is because early on in my dating life, I tended to have relationships that could actually probably have been better described as friendships, but which we smacked the bf/gf label on. So when they "ended," since the were really friendships to begin with, it wasn't that odd to just have what was basically a friendship continue the same without the label. Those early boyfriends just kind of faded into the friends they really were to begin with, I guess. A natural progression.

Now, when there tend to be more serious romantic feelings (hopefully, anyway!) attached, well, that usually leads to a hurting of feelings when it ends that leaves me generally not interested in salvaging a friendship. There just seems to be more at stake, now, or perhaps I'm just not as easily forgiving (or forgiven) as I once was. And there tends to be too much baggage to carry on a healthy friendship, anyway.

There are very few people cool enough to be worth keeping in my life if dating scenario didn't work out.

[NorthernAngel]

I've kept in touch with one ex only - he was my first boyfriend when I was 18years old. We lost touch for a number of years until he popped up on my icq about 2 years ago (I'm 26 now). We started slowly talking about old times and old friends. He's now one of my good buddies.

At the time we were both quite naive at the time and didn't go very "far", it was more of a close friendship relationship than anything else. Which is probably the main reason my husband isn't jealous or concerned that this "ex" and I hang out once in awhile.

I believe that depending on the relationship and also the way it ended you may or may not feel comfortable hanging out with an "ex". Also, there's the factor of potentially rekindling dormant feelings that comes into play, specially if you have a SO in your life. This ex of mine is a great guy, but never ever would I go out with him now - so he doesn't stir any emotions in me.

[chococat_79]

I am friends with most of my ex's (who ps are mostly married now), but not with my most recent ex. Our breakup was painful - no hard feelings, no one was an ass or shitty to the other, but still it was hard...and we email occassionally but it's all really surface discussion... it's going to take awhile for us to get to a "talking about new boyfriends/girlfriends" place... (though we are both in new relationships)

I used to think it was really important to maintain friendships and contacts with ex's but now the older I get and the more time that passes, it doesn't seem like such a priority... or I guess I used to think if I DIDN'T maintain some sort of contact that it someone took something away from the relationship/ time spent together... does that make sense? Anyway, I don't worry about that anymore... people change, come in and out of your life for various reasons, I just try to appreciate and learn from the experience...

[kitalyn414]

i'm not friends with any of the exes anymore. i guess i really just don't know how to make that work. i don't even speak to them.

[bd1222]

Im friends with my first boyfriend who I dated 10 years ago and I am friends with my recent ex who I dated till 2002. The one in between ( I dated him for 6 years) I realize it was better off that we didn't talk. He and I had a hard relationship and he pretty much lied a lot so I figure I would get the negative out. The worse part is when I broke up with the ex back in 2002 he wanted to get back so bad (I didn't and never did) - it turns out he was still with his girlfriend and I am sure he is still with her....and she prolly has no clue...I kind of feel bad for her....I hoped he finally grew up...

[heatherf]

No, some I have simply lost touch with - others I don't care to be in touch with.

IMO it is not appropriate to be friends/buddies with an ex once you are in a serious relationship and in my case - married. Relationships and friends come and go for the most part. I am not best friends with the girls I grew up with who lived on my block, nor am I super good friends with prior co-workers. I think it's just a part of life to move on. Our opinions and values change too. My exes and I shared some of our most intimate moments together and they are in the past. My husband is my future.

[wordsmith]

Though I'm not big on "moving on," in the sense that I don't like to put people/places that were a part of my life totally behind me, this is true...

I am not best friends with the girls I grew up with who lived on my block, nor am I super good friends with prior co-workers. I think it's just a part of life to move on. Our opinions and values change too.

I am still tight with a lot of people from my past, but in particular a friend of 20 years and I have come to a kind of crossroads where it's evident how much we've individually changed, and how a lot of our opinions and values don't mesh. It's tough. I'm too stubborn to let it go totally, though.

[heatherf]

wordsmith - I know what you mean about it being hard to let go. I just kinda think it's almost harder to fake the friendship, and just tolerate the person.

I think everyone understands that we all change. I mean, we will keep acquiring new friends throughout life. Like when we have children, we will become friends with other parents. And when we become older/retired, we will become friends with other older people.

[Crimson King II]

I adhere to the mob principles on this deal. Once it's over, it's way over. I don't even want an ex stopping at my table in a restaurant to just say hi. Hell, I don't want them waving to me across the room. Once it's done, it's really done. It's almost as if they died or something. Yeah....don't ever try to come back around with me.

[pisces2473]

Gosh CK, I hope I never have a disagreement with you! J/K! :)

And Heather/Wordsmith--that's very true. I'm trying to figure out how to let someone go...because it's sort of obvious that she doesn't want to be friends anymore...kinda like we both feel obligated or something...

[heatherf]

Jen- this may sound bad, but I think the best way to end a friendship is to simply stop trying to maintain it. Don't call the person just because you feel like you HAVE to. I think it's just ok to leave it. Other people have done it to me and I'm sure to you too.

[pisces2473]

Well, this person hasn't been very good at keeping in touch since we left college. And things have been one-sided...me emailing, me calling, me making plans to visit, etc. She hasn't done anything mean or wrong, but it's...just odd. I never expected this behavior, especially after living in the same room together for 3 years. I guess everyone has different concepts of friendship, and maybe I need more from my friends than she can give?

[bigboom]

personally its just really hard for me to keep friends with ex's...maybe if they ended nicely. but ive only had two relationships really one just ended badly and teh second she cheated on me so i dont really care to talk to her anymore.

a third was more of a fling and even then i have troubles talking to her and get bitter every now and then cuz i had feelings for her and all she really wanted was sex.

so based on this i dont think i could be friends with ex's

[red]

i don't keep in touch with any of my exes. mostly i don't care to. i do keep in touch with my one college friend who had feelings for me that i did not return, though.
i guess i just feel like who cares? i don't think a lot of good can come out of friendships with exes for me. mostly it seemed they wanted to screw me or screw me over or something along those lines. most of the time if i stopped seeing someone it meant that after that point i never wanted to see them again.

[diesel]

IMO it is not appropriate to be friends/buddies with an ex once you are in a serious relationship and in my case - married. Relationships and friends come and go for the most part. I am not best friends with the girls I grew up with who lived on my block, nor am I super good friends with prior co-workers. I think it's just a part of life to move on. Our opinions and values change too. My exes and I shared some of our most intimate moments together and they are in the past. My husband is my future.

heather, i couldn't have said it better myself. i've spent the last year letting go of a guy friend i had really strong feelings for and a close female friend. it still hurts sometimes to hear about them (we have mutual contacts) but i know i'm headed for a healthier future without them. my fiance is the most important person to me and like you said, he's my future.

[Phoenix]

Very interesting...looks like most people really aren't friends with their exes. Me neither. I'm only friends with 1 of 4 boyfriends. Like bigboom mentioned, 2 of those cheated and I wanted nothing to do with them. The other was from high school (we were not able to be friends again anyway...not hating each other...just more of acquaintances that drifted apart afterward). Out of the people that I've kind of dated, I think I'm only friends with one of those.