co-habitating and finances

[gluegun]

As most of you know I moved into my boyfriend's house last week. The financial arrangement we decided on is that rather than paying him rent I'll be putting what I was previously paying in rent towards paying off my student loans faster. My SO has been paying his own mortgage for 5 years, and feels pretty strongly that it is better for me to be working on getting out of debt than to be paying him rent money that he doesn't even need any way.

The problem lies in the fact that I'm getting a lot of judgement from the women in my family. They feel that there will be a shift in the balance of the relationship. i.e. It will always be "his" house.

Do you think they're on to something here?

I've thought about insisting that all the expenses get split down the middle but my SO earns more than twice as much as me, and I'm not sure that he'd be interested in such a significant down-scale in his own lifestyle.

[cheshrcarol]

I would say that's a pretty good arrangment. I think you've mentioned you two are going to get married? If you do, then at that point your debt will kind of become his too, so I think it would make sense to eliminate as much of that as possible. Do you feel like it's not your house too or is that just what your family thinks? As for expenses, what if you offered to pay the utilities, or at least a large percent of them?

[wordsmith]

I would be thrilled with an arrangement that would let me focus my money on getting student loans taken care of.

[TranquilSkye]

well it sounds like a nice arrangement, especially if it works out. but if you two are having a huge fight and one of the first things that flies out of his mouth is how he hates supporting you (or something along those lines) think about how that will make you feel. even if he says he didn't mean it, some small part of him must have at least had doubts about the arrangement if it was even said. i think this is what was concerning the women in your family when you mentioned this arrangement to them.

[gluegun]

Oh, trust me. I'm thrilled. In fact, sometimes I can't even believe my good luck.

Yes, we are planning on getting married, Carol. That is why he came up with this arrangement. After all, by this time next year it will be "our" debt.

I don't know why my mom and sister are being so uptight about this. I guess this just conflicts with their feminist/independent woman sensibilities. Then again they both earn more than their husbands and I don't see them going around talking about how the houses they live in are more "their houses" than their husband's.

[gluegun]

Tranquilskye,

That is Exactly what they're worried about. In fact, my sister even gave me a similar example. But what am I supposed to do here? I don't have enough money to pay half the mortgage AND chip away at my student loans.

I guess that this wouldn't bother me so much if I wasn't already feeling sort of, I don't know, guilty about the situation. As in, why is it his problem that I took out a bunch of debt before I met him?

When I was little I believed that everything in a marriage should be exactly equal. We both take care of the housework, we both raise the kids, we both earn the same amount of money.

I'm now realizing what an unrealistic expectation that was. I've been in relationships where I earn more money. I've been in relationships where I earn less money.

How do you find a sense of balance and equality?

[wordsmith]

But, gluegun, he had the house and mortgage before you were even on the scene, right? How can you be expected to be able to categorically fit something that's already established into your budget? I could see if buying a home was something you went in on together, and the arrangement was built around both your incomes, but this was the situation as you found it.

But I see what you are feeling. I'm not even in a relationship, and I feel uneasy about the amount of money I owe, and how I will ever be comfortable with somebody marrying into the kind of debt I'm paying back. But many married friends have told me that if someone is going to be hung up on your financial situation (providing that you are handling it in good faith), then marrying them isn't ideal anyway. Someone who wants to be married to you is going to be willing to work with the financial cards you bring to the table.

Everything will not always be equal. But things will balance out.

[midtwenty]

I can identify because I moved into my husband's house when we first got together. Even though we split everything I always privately felt like it was more "his" house than mine. Now that we've bought a house together, those feelings have melted away.

So, who says you will always live in that house? Not to mention, it might be a good idea to be keeping some money in an emergency fund just in case the slim chance things go south. Tell your women family that you have this emergency fund to use if needed and they will probably get off your back.

[kimmer23]

my husband also had his house before we married. he bought it while we were dating and about a yr later he put my name on the house as well.


we have only been married 4 months so right now we are working on how we are going to do our bank accounts and stuff like that.

[TranquilSkye]

i think your families concerns are legitimate because they're only looking out for your best interests. you've said yourself that the situation makes you uneasy so you have to find a way to make it comfortable for you. like others have said, keep in mind that he had this house before you entered the picture so technically you aren't obligated to pay for it. and you had your debt before he entered the picture and technically he isn't obligated to pay for that. plus you two may buy a new house down the road that you'll both share the cost of. if you really want to feel like you're contributing equally think about how else you can do that. taking up more of the housework? paying more toward utilities? doing more of the cooking? whatever will work best for the you. talk to him about your concerns and don't let him brush you off and say he's fine. make him really understand where you're coming from and what you'd like to do to ease the situation.


i too grew up thinking and still think that everything in marriage should be equal. yes that is becoming more and more unrealistic these days, but i'm so stubborn i just don't see myself giving in lol.

[red]

ahhh, finances!
my husband and i rent, so your situation doesn't exactly apply to us right now. but when we moved in together, i also had the feeling of things should be equal. i have been on my own since i was 17, and paying my own way was something i took pride in, and yadda yadda. for a year, my husband made more money than i did. then he got laid off and was unemployed for 9 months. so last year i made more than he did. he got a job about 6 months ago, and now makes more than i do again. if i can say that anything good came out of the unemployment, it was that we both learned to adjust to the fact that we're in it together. i'm not saying you should be there right now- you guys just moved in together. but i think that you will get there and then it won't feel weird.
so how do you find a sense of balance? you just keep working at it. trying things until you find a split that you are both comfortable with.
another thing is that i think when you are part of a couple you have to be careful and objectively listen to advice from family, etc. not that they're not a valuable resource, but what works for them and their relationship might not work for yours. if you guys have an issue about this in the future, the best thing to do is to seek some impartial advice from a counselor, clergyperson, etc.
i think the arrangement you have sounds perfectly reasonable. listen, my husband makes more than i do, but he came into the marriage with a considerable about of CC debt (which he just made the last payment for!) and i make less, but i own a car. it's not MY car, even though i paid for most of it before we combined finances. it's ours.
and if you still have weird feelings about the house, think of it this way. if you guys have kids, your husband isn't going to feel like they are less his just bcs he had the easy/fun role.
good luck to you guys! i hope things are going well so far!