Emotional adultery?

[jsp5000]

A while ago I very much liked an older woman who was involved with another man and later had a child. Despite her marriage she made comments I have wondered indicated some feelings for me, such as "I have been thinking about you the whole day" and "I will miss very much when you leave" (I was thinking of moving). However, we never touched each other.

More recently, I have known a married woman closer to my age. She has suggested spending some time together, and in fact we did so for about an hour recently. (I do have doubts about my decision to do this.) She has not made the kinds of comments the other woman did, but she has touched me.

I am reluctant to accuse either woman of emotional adultery, but if mother or sister showed these kinds of behaviors to another man (except my father or brother in law), I would find it inappropriate and out of character. What do you think?

[Tayl405]

It is definitely inappropriate and you should avoid these women, because they are only going to bring you into their own complications. This is a mess you don't want to be involved in! There's no way something like this could end pretty!

[midtwenty]

RUN. Far, fast, and in the other direction.

Look, the long and short of it is, getting involved with a married or otherwise involved person on any level is not right. Were these women single, you would never have posted this question. I think you know it's wrong.

[cazort]

I think it's important to not get too uptight about things automatically. I've had some very close relationships with older women who were either married or divorced. Human relationships are difficult to categorize. What's the boundary between a romantic interest and the sort of relationship you have with a sibling, parent, aunt, or nephew? Sometimes with other people I've had relationships that are difficult to categorize.

Then there are other interesting situations. One of my clients has one employee who is married but always flirts excessively with me--but it's in a fun, playful way and I don't see anything wrong with it. It's also in a way that I wouldn't be upset if I were married and my wife did it with other people. My parents each have close friends of both sexes, and none of them has ever been jealous of any of them, EVEN during rough periods in their marriage--I think because they both trust each other, and have well-defined senses of boundaries. (i.e. emotional or intellectual closeness is totally ok in their value system)

One thing that's important to remember is that different people have different sets of boundaries. You grew up with your set of boundaries, these women may have different ones. One question in these situations is--do you know their husbands? If you know their husbands you can get a feel for the situation. If the women are reluctant for you to meet their husband, or if you meet him and he seems like a jerk or is rude or cold to you--then that is a bad sign and I think you are probably right to get out of that situation.

I think what you need to watch out for is if these women are the sorts of people who have trouble with boundaries, or who are unhappy in their marriages but haven't thought things out, and might drag you in--but you shouldn't cut yourself off from having close, personal relationships with people who are married.

Have you ever seen the movie "Lost in Translation"? That's a great example of the beautiful ambiguity and complexity of human relationships.

Life is too complex for easy answers. It's good to be thoughtful and considerate, and to have and know your boundaries--but don't get too absolutistic, or start judging someone's behaviour as being "wrong" or "adulterous" just because it doesn't agree. To be honest, the way most marriages work, even when someone does committ adultery, if you were in that person's shoes, you'd probably do the same thing too, no matter how much you think you understand.

[paperjam1015]

ummm go meet some single women. There are plenty out there.