Why why why do I still seek my mother's approval?!!!

[Becky18]

So, like many good, responsible, type A first-borns, I have always felt the need to please and gain the approval of my parents; well, really my mother, who tends to be rather opinionated re: other people's choices, but in a passive-aggressive way.

And so far I think I've found a delicate balance between living my life the way I want, and living it in a way that garners at least a decent amount of approval from my mom. (therefore keeping everyone happy)

Except for one area: my relationship with my SO. We've been together over 7 years, got together during my senior year of high school, and have been living together for the past 4. However, my mother has always had a stereotyped expectation of the "type" of person she thinks I would be best with. And my SO doesn't fit that. And, because of this need I feel to have her complete and unequivocal approval of my life choices, this is causing me a lot of conflict.

SO and I have been going through a rough patch over the past few months, both dealing with our respective QLCs and trying to figure out if we should live apart for the next 6 months to a year to further "find outselves" etc. etc. And I think I have come to the conclusion that I truly do want SO in my life, and want to struggle through our QLCs together. He feels the same.

But I know my mother thinks differently, and she has let me know in her lovely "sure, I think your choice is fine, but I really think you should do X instead" way. And now I am just as confused as ever!

I know that it is unhealthy to let your parents affect your decisions, and I am trying to grow past this and become more confident in myself and my choices..... just wondering if anyone else has felt this way, re: relationships with SOs or whatever.

Any kindred souls out there?
Becky

[maxwell78]

Ah yes. Very much a kindred soul. But take all of that and include the fact that you are starting graduate school and forced to live at home. That's me. Not particularly pleasant. :)

[Ruby]

Oh yes! Dear mother! Love her to bits, but she drives me insane.

Thing is, I've been driving myself insane for a whole year because I've been completely incapable of making a decision without her approval. The sensible side of me knows I should live me own life, but it just keeps striking me down.

I think I'm getting better. At my real lowest point I just could not fathom how someone who is supposed to know me so well, someone who supposedly loves me and someone who I have always done my best for couldn't accept my decisions.

Harsh lesson, bit I suppose its called growing up.

I definitely know what you're both going through. I've moved away fromhome, and although that's obviously led to a million phonecalls ending in 'when are you coming to visit next' (!!) - it is much better. I can deal with her better in short, concentrated visits!!

[midtwenty]

I know that it is unhealthy to let your parents affect your decisions

Uhh, WHAT? Have you forgotten that your parents have been there, done that and bought the T-shirt? Personally, I think it's unhealthy NOT to take your parents' opinions into consideration. Who just totally cuts off their parents like that?! I'm not saying you should blindly follow every directive your mother issues, because you do have to become your own person in charge of your own life. But your parents are a source of wisdom, knowledge and life experience that you should be tapping into to help you direct yourself through life. Not only that, but they are pretty much an objective third party. A third party who knows you well and can tailor their observations and input based on what they know about you.

I totally understand what you're saying about the need for approval...I'm a lot closer to 30 than 20 and still feel that desire for my mother's approval. What you have to find is that balance between living your own life and taking what your parents have to say into consideration. They are not stupid, you know. And they love you very much.

Oh, and you've been with the same guy since high school 7 years ago? Wow. If that works for you, great. I hope ya'll are very happy. Since I don't know you or him, I can't say too much about it. I just know that for me, personally, staying with the same guy all that time would be a HUGE mistake. I hope it works out for you. Good luck.

[Ruby]

Midtwenty has deifinitely struck the balance!

I agree with everything you say, but unfortunately I think Becky18, Maxwell78 and I have mothers of a similar mold - i.e bordering on the Monica Geller's mother type! Am I right folks?

They are most definitely NOT objective third parties sometimes - THAT's the problem!! They want us to do what will benefit them, not us. For example, my mum wants me to move home - to be near her, my mum would like me to stay with my current bloke - cos he's from back home and so I'd be more likely to move home......... its what she wants, not what I want. I've told her I don't want these things - she doesn't listen though, and just keeps on advocating them!! She's not thinking about what's best for me!!!

To be honest, I'm over the worst of all this and I try to laugh her comments off as much as poss - but it hurts that she gives advice on the basis of what she wants - not what's best for me. Thankfully, my dad's a star!!

[Becky18]

Right on, Ruby!

Midtwenty, I totally hear what you're saying, and I do appreciate the fact that parents have the benefit of experience, a degree of 3rd party wisdom, etc.etc. I don't completely discount their advice, and yes, sometimes they do push me to make decisions which are hard, but for the best.

But Ruby has also identified the crux of the problem many of us now have as we grow into ourselves and grow farther away (both physically and psychologically) from our nuclear families. I always thought that my parents WOULD be that great, objective, 3rd party who can truly see what might be a good choice for you.... unfortunately, though, the older I get, the more I can see my mother's biases and stereotypes about me and my life.

And that's most of the problem: stereotypes. Personally, I went away to university, and then after my second year my parents moved 8 hrs away and I moved out on my own for good, so while I am still pretty close to them, they don't really know me as a PERSON anymore. Their overall appreciation of me is based more on a nostalgic stereotype composed of memories of what I was like as a teenager, when all of us all lived together 5 plus years ago. And I think we can all admit, you go through a lot of living and personal growth between the ages of 19 and 26.

So really, while I do value my parents' opinions, it frustrates and hurts me to no end that my mother doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from NOW, and, like Ruby, gives opinions that are based on what SHE wants me to do with my life.

[Ruby]

Like I said before - I've kind of accepted this now and learn't not to ask my mum's opinion!! Instead, I ask friends who DO know me for who I am, and not for who they'd like to think I am (which is what mum does).

I get scared sometimes that I'll be like that when I'm a mum. This is going to sound stupid - but I write notes to myself which I intend to open when I'm older reminding me of the mental notes I made to myself re. parenting!! Its just everyone seems to say they'll do things differently when they're a parent - but its not an easy job and I guess you tend to forget what it was like on the receiving end!

[paiger81]

Hmm....mom's can be frustrating. I've dated my SO for 7 years this November and we have decided that we have to take that break, simply because we don't want to end up 20 years down the road wishing for something else. He's going to Florida, I'm going to law school.

I don't think anyone should completely write off their mothers, I know mine knows me better than any of my friends, so I take her advice; however, I also understand that there reaches a point where you can listen, take it into consideration, and then tell her "No, that is not what I want to do"

[gluegun]

I'm in the same boat as you all. See, my mom has a certain "time line" for her daughters. In her mind I should be married, and my older sister should have a baby. Nevermind the fact that neither I nor my sister are ready for that stuff. Mom doesn't listen. All she knows is that SHE is ready for us to do these things.

[paiger81]

My mom is controlling in a monetary way. We will go shopping, I see something I like, but don't have the $$ for, so I pass on it. Next thing I know mom has bought it for me, then in any argument we might have she brings up "Well, I bought (insert item here) for you, so listen to me" That argument is so annoying!! I didn't ask for the damn thing, and if I say to return it she gets even more po'd

[pittgirl]

I feel very lucky, my mom is not controlling at all and just wants what is best for me. Her mom was very controlling with her, so she was pretty leniant on my brother and I. I just moved all the way across the state and she has been the most supportive person next to my father of course about the move, since she never took that risk when she was younger.
I think I am the only person I know whose mother doesn't pressure them to get married or have kids by the age of 23. Heck my mom doesn't even care if I am dating someone, her only thing in life is to make sure we are happy with your decisions.

Paiger-my mom will do the same thing if we are out shopping, but she doesn't hold it against me. Maybe you should try talking to her about it and explain things to her.

[paiger81]

Pittgirl-
I've discussed it with her and she just becomes annoyed. But that truly is the main thing she is controlling with, so I can handle it.
Most of the time she is completely supportive-she's actually traveling with me when I start visiting law schools!

[pittgirl]

That's great she is very supportive! I think the only downfall my mother has is she worries to much about me, which can be good and bad. Good in the sense now since I moved, if I need anything she will give it to me in the drop of a hat. Bad because I feel obligated to call home more and do other things while living far away because she did those things for me. She will worry about me constantly if I tell her something wrong happened. If I have learned anything, never tell my mom anything major unless I am ready to deal with a long phone conversation.

Where are you looking to go to law school at?

[midtwenty]

I guess I'm even luckier in this department than I thought. My mom comes from a big family (she's the youngest of 6 kids) and my grandparents were great. I think she now understands the concept of letting go and allowing me to live my own life because she was afforded that luxury herself. Oh, I still get the reverse psychology and the passive-aggressiveness, but not to the degree that most of you are.

Of course, about 6 years ago I sat her down and completely put my foot down about a few things. She was having trouble with the fact that I was grown so I had to basically flog her with it to make her see. It worked though.

[MOS9904]

Its great when a parent gives advice....but advice is not always going to be taken...the person has to weigh eveything on their own and ultimately make their OWN decision---

Good parents SUPPORT that decision realizing its their childs life and they did come to them for imput.

As for the buying things argument-----I HATE THAT....although my mom rarely does that---if I look at something, dont have the $$ my mom tells me too bad----BUT she will randomly get things when she is out for me (like clementines when they are in season or a mop for my house) she then holds THOSE over my head....wait I didnt ask you to do that nice thing for me you did it on your own....and now your holding THAT against me?! Are you just trying to butter me up so Ill do what YOU want?!

ARgh...moms are tough. Plus the mother daughter relationship is a tough one as is.

[maxwell78]

My mom has two gears: crisis and panic. That's it. It is just exhausting dealing with her. At least when I was in college and had my own place, there was a level of separation. When I hung up the phone, that was it. No more panic. No more crisis. But since I've moved home, it has just been constant and I can't avoid it.

[MissK8]

mostly I think we've been refering about the overprotective/over-zealous well meaning parent who just gets a little over-eager with trying to live through their kids or maybe the parent is a perfectionist and can't stand to let their kid make their own mistakes, etc... BUT:

I don't think anyone has thought of this angle yet-

What if your parents "advice" and wishes for your life stem from an extreme form of religion/belief or something of that nature? What if you chose to not be of the same belief/religion? How would you deal with that? Things like them insisting upon their ADULT children to not live together before marriage, or don't have sex before marriage... ad infinitum. You know what I'm getting at. When do parents and their wishes/advice for their child become unhealthy and unacceptable? Just because they are older and probably have experienced more doesn't mean you need to listen or accept or consider their opinions and beliefs on how you should be living. If you were to give in/give heed to these types of parents, then.... you'd be miserable probably.

I guess I'm just pointing out that just because they are your parents doesn't mean their wishes and advice should hold any siginificance with you when you are an adult. Be respectful of your parents, but there does come a point where none of their wishes should really matter if it's not what you've chosen to live your life like (ie: what religion you are versus your parents).

Although I completely agree with finding that balance. I'm doing that while still living at home, but I feel that in 6 months it is going to be MUCH easier.