got "everything" but not happy

[Antonina]

Has anyone had this problem before...?

I'm going through a bizarre patch where for some reason, I am not happy, even though I seem to have everything I think I want for now. Background to me is: I am 25 going on 26, about to finish studies (a PhD thesis) in a couple of months (yay), have loving (but possessive) parents, a reasonable spread of friends, a fantastic caring boyfriend who has been around 9 months, and am about to embark on an overseas adventure/jaunt once I am done with the studies where I am going to work in the UK as a vet locum in between spurts of travel. Yet I am not happy! How crazy does this look "on paper". I guess I am a bit stressed from the thesis, and am stressed about leaving my boyfriend and family behind- especially as my parents are very possessive about me, and also they are getting sort of old (so I am worried they will fall ill or worse in my absence). But it feels ridiculous that I cannot seem to enjoy the moment for what it is- a moment when I seem to have it all and have it all also ahead of me- instead I am moody and depressed.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I am tearing my hair out.

[M4A1]

You seem to have a lot going for yourself, at least more than me. I like to share this quote with you:

The secret of abundance is to stop focusing on what you do not have, and shift your consciousness to an appreciation for all that you are and all that you do have.

Up until recently, I was not happy with myself. I always think that I could have done more, which may be true, but thinking like that did not make me happy. I can never reach that standard I had set for myself. Because the rules that I had written was "I can always do better. I mean look, others have done it".

I was always looking at someone else who is "ahead" of me.

I gradually come to realize that it's not a race. Even though my past "conditioning" has been so strong, that I still get frustrated with myself now and then. I now have a better understanding of the "self" concept, and it really helps in dealing with difficult situations.

Without getting too deep and technical with the concept, I like to share just the essence-- At least from my perspective-- and that is, ultimately, you must take control of yourself.

Do not let your job, car payments, or boss, professor, friends or even parents have too much influence on you. When you have truly mastered yourself, then you'll be in better shape to control your emotions. If you can control your emotions, or at least do your best to control it, then you'll be much closer to that happiness you are looking for.

Afterall, we can sit here and argue what's happiness all day, Antonia. Many philosophers have argued that for centuries. If you are telling your story to me a year ago, I would say that you are crazy. I would show my grades to you and argue that how dumb I am compare to you-- a Phd candidate. I'd bring you to where I live to show you what kind of friends that I have, and argue that if they can be considered as friends at all. Then, I'll tell you that I have only dated one girl for 3 months during my 24 years of time on earth. Back then, I would have told you that I'd love to be where you are at-- "If I were you, I would be happy."

What good would that have done? Self-pity for me, ego boost for you? How long is that feeling going last?

My point will go back to that "self" concept and the quote that I begin with. I believe that a person need to master himself/herself first, then he can apply whatever his ideal of happiness is. As for me, I choose to apply the quote that I share with you as rules for happiness. The way that I see it, people are unhappy because either they didn't master themselves and/or did not apply a suitable set of rules for happiness. But that's just my opinion.

I hope it helps.

[Antonina]

Thanks, M4A1.
Your reply has helped a lot... you are one of few people who haven't just pointed the finger and gone, "shut up, just be happy cos you have no reason not to be". I have heard that before, that happiness lies in being happy with what you have, and it makes a lot of sense... mainly because it is simply not possible to have everything out there!

Also, I hear the truth of what you said about not letting "your job, car payments, or boss, professor, friends or even parents have too much influence on you" and that I need to "master" myself. I presume you mean that I should learn to depend on myself for my egocentre. I do tend to be one of those people whose self esteem stems from people and things other than myself- I have once heard that referred to as being "friend-centred", "career-centred" etc, if you get what I mean. And I was told then that people are most stable emotionally and psychologically when they are "self" centred because the other things are in a constant state of flux, and if those are what you rely on for a healthy self esteem and contentment, then you will always be up and down with the changes.

Thank you so much for your reply- it seems to make a lot of sense.
A.

[M4A1]

Hello Antonina,

I think that the word "egocentred" sends a different message than what I was talking about. Egocentre, or egocentric, people tend to think just for themselves. The typical view of a egocentric person is that a person only care about himself.

Now, egocentric can also another meaning. (this is somewhat more technical, but should be childsplay for a Phd student) From an academic perspective, egocentric can be described as "viewed or perceived from one's own mind as a center" or "taking one's own self as the starting point in a philosophical system." This explaination is closer to what I was refering to. So, you are correct from an academic perspective, but may have sent a different message to the less academic focused readers.

Nonetheless, let me elucidate the "self" concept. Actually, let's rename it as the "self-mastery" concept to avoid further misinterpretation. This is not a patented or an offical academic term. But it's an extract of similar ideas from many authors/experts who have written books on this topic. Now, I'm not an expert nor a Phd, and I recommend that you look into this topic at your local library or bookstore. However, I'll share what I know with you.

Let me illustrate through a very simple example:
Basketball, for example, you don't need to know how to slam-dunk or know how to dribble between your legs to win a game. All you need is to put the ball in the basket and score more on your opponents than they do on you. In fact, when you are playing in the little leagues, all you do is "catch-and-shoot." Hardly do anyone dribble. However, as you grow older, the competition is more fierce. Eventually, not only do you need to know how to dribble, you need to know how to do it well. What had gotton you by wasn't enough anymore.

Now, you don't have to master dribbling, or other little technical stuff as long as your teammates have the know-how, they can carry you. But should you not improve your skills, you'll always rely on them. They'll manipulate you, because you are lacking the ability to be self-efficient. You'll always be passing to ball to your teammates instead of putting the ball into the basket.

Now, back to real life.

"Self-Mastery." You can get by without taking total control of yourself. In fact, you can go on just fine without it. Just like a basketball player who doesn't need to master his dribble. Should you have no control of yourself, you'll just get boss around by others. "Maybe you should look into this line of work", "Maybe you should study medicine", "Oh, you must check out that club (when it's $50 cover, $20 a drink)", "Look at those rims! They'll look nice on your car! ($1200)".

I'm not saying that don't do anything your friends say. I'm saying don't do it just because they are telling you to do it. Make your own decisions.

You can still be career-centred or friend-centred when you master yourself. These things can go together. Just like you can still play on a team when you are a master of your own. In fact, it's even better that you are a master, you'll be the additional go-to person during the competition.

"Self-mastery" is a broad and complex topic in Self-improvement. You may also want to look into Psychology as supplement. Psychology has more scientific terms that may explain some of the non-scientific ways introduced by authors in Self-improvement.

I think this letter is dragging a little too long... I hope this helps, and I'll be happy to explain anything that's not clear.

Best,

K-

[Antonina]

I really like the basketball analogy- it's made your point crystal clear in my mind. I do feel, sometimes in my life, that I am being carried by circumstances or people around me, and that insecurity or lack of confidence in my own abilities or skills drains my esteem no end. That is possibly why I often feel dissatisfied, even though I get things "done". In fact, that is why (I think) I have pursued so many things just that little bit further (for instance, rather than being happy with a bachelors, I felt that I had to complete further studies to be happy; and a few other examples come to mind but I won't bore you further!), because I feel that even though things have been achieved, it was not on my own strength entirely so I don't feel as proud as I should. Herein might lie my "problem" (which is what you are saying, I think)- there is less satisfaction to be had when you are carried, and to be happy, I need to have consolidated on my own two feet first.

I like what you have said, and it has given me plenty of food for thought. Thank you, "K-".

[faithmykal]

Antonina,
I think the stresses in you life are playing a huge part in your moodiness.
I know what that feels like! All you want to do is be excited about everything you are looking forward to, but you can't because there is all of this other stuff in the way. I get like this every semester around finals time (working on my MBA).
My best advice, though it is such a cliche', is to take it one day at a time. Forgive yourself for being in a bad mood and understand that it is the stress of finishing school and moving on in life. Be good to youself by doing small things that you know make you happy. I know this sounds like such "self-help" crap, but I do stuff like this during times of stress because it really helps me cope.
Most of all, know that it will all be waiting for you when you've come out of your funk. The great boyfriend, your family, the awesome trip... Communicate with those close to you that you're having a tough go of it, but you'll be OK soon.
You will be fine and things will feel better, I promise.