Inadequacy

[anaphora]

In my past I expected that by this time I would be a successful graduate student at a top-notch program or an accomplished professional just beginning to make my way to the top. I dreamed that one day I would have friends who esteemed and respected me, and that I would be able to contribute to their lives as much as they would to mine. By this time I hoped that I would at least have experienced a fulfilling and memorable relationship with someone spectacular.

I knew that I would be needed in the world and that I would have something to give back to society and to myself. All of this was expected by my parents, my peers, and myself. The very best.

Funny how none of this ever works out. I have just finished college at a mediocre institution with a less than impressive 3.7 and I do not know what is going to happen now. I live with parents who are dying to see me go and do not wish to speak to me ever again. I am continually lonely and I cannot seem to break out of this socially maladaptive cycle I am in. I am generally disliked and have little to offer the world. I have no skills, no beauty, no intelligence, no warmth. I have finally realized how inferior I am, and in knowing too much I comprehend how little I know and how much less I have achieved.

I think about suicide every day. I go to bed each night hopeful that I may not wake up, and wake up each morning depressed that I must face another day in this godforsaken world.

I am 20 years old, and this is only the beginning of my crisis.

[stonemonkey]

hey anaphora,

first off, i think you're being a little melodramatic. ppl with fewer resources have gone through far worse experiences and not only survived but have excelled.

nothing works out the way you expect it. join the club, welcome to reality. how boring would life be if everything worked out as planned?

you're 20 yrs old. many ppl here would argue that you're life hasn't even begun yet.

i'm still not quite sure why exactly you think your life sucks. get over yourself. it's not a case of 'have it all or die'

sorry if i sound harsh. it's just that i'm 21 and you sound like i did not so long ago.

whatever you do, don't kill yourself.

[WeirdBrake]

Anaphora... I'll be blunt. You sound severely depressed, and you need to speak with a counselor as soon as possible. Talk to your parents. Talk to your doctor. From what you wrote, it is obvious that your thinking is seriously distorted, particularly your self-image. Depression is notorious for causing gross distortions of self-image.

I am generally disliked and have little to offer the world. I have no skills, no beauty, no intelligence, no warmth. I have finally realized how inferior I am, and in knowing too much I comprehend how little I know and how much less I have achieved.

This is a very abusive way to talk about yourself, but it's typical of the way someone who is severely depressed would think and feel. I've suffered through depression myself, and I understand exactly those kinds of distorted thoughts and feelings. You need to realize how distorted they are.

From what you wrote, you are, objectively speaking (or at least in comparison to your peers), an overachiever. Most people graduate college at 22 or 23, IF they graduate college. Most finish with GPAs far below 3.7 (I believe the national average for a college student is 3.0).

As for a "mediocre institution," I don't know specifically what you mean, but I suspect that you mean it's not an elite, supercompetitive admissions university like Harvard or Princeton.

If that's the case, then you need to face the fact that the vast, vast majority of graduating college students did not go to those top schools. It doesn't mean that the quality of the education you received is any less (I went to a college that's relatively easy to get into, and one of my profs said that in his opinion, students get a better education at my school than at Princeton because at my school they get closer contact with faculty; this prof was a Princeton graduate himself).

In any case, someone in your shoes has a great deal of which to be enormously proud. For you to feel so hopeless and self-punishing is pathological and says more about your psychological state than it does your actual life situation.

Finally, the fact that you are thinking often about suicide is the hugest, red flag danger sign of depression there is. Please get some help. You are in seriously need of a reality check and some professional counseling.

[anaphora]

I just cannot stand this sense of inferiority, of failure.

Moments of isolation grow and fade.

I want out. I just want the world to be stopped for one moment so I can step off.

[personalegend]

First of all, I have to say that I totally know how you feel and have been there. Heck, I still deal with some of those issues on a daily basis. But first thing, you are so lucky that you are only 20 and have finished school! That gives you a good amount of time to be careless and have fun. I was severely depressed when I was in 20 (yet I was still in college) because I was already worrying about what I was going to do when I graduated and felt I should already be ahead. But now, at 24, I really regret getting so far ahead of myself and not enjoying being 20 when I really did not have to have anything figured out! I have had to really work on changing my expectations....you need to also. Sure we all think we are going to be geniuses that change the world and that we are entitled to everything. But reality really negates all of that.

My personal suggestion is to get out! But not by killing yourself....I mean out of your house and situation. You do not sound happy there. You are going to let yourself get into a rut if you stay there and just continue to think and be self-abusive. I did that. It wasted a year of my life. I personally suggest travelling! It will occupy your mind and will help you re-gain confidence to go to other countries on your own. Also, it will help you realize that people across the globe don't give a damn where you graduated from or how successful you are. And you will meet people in their thirties who have spent years traveling and refuse to give in to the traditional sense of being successful in America....of course, make sure your severe depression is under control before doing this.

Since most people don't graduate until 22, you really have a leg up. You can take a whole year to just have fun and screw around and still be ahead of most people your age....
and yes...see a therapist! it helps to talk....

[WeirdBrake]

I just cannot stand this sense of inferiority, of failure.

Ana... I feel like there's more to this story. Again, you must realize that you are, by society's standards, far "superior" and more successful than your peers if you measure it by external achievement. Yet, internally, you feel like an inferior failure. There's something very wrong here. I see it as severe depression. But is there something else going on (or that went on in the past) in your life that might give us a better understanding of your situation and why you are so hideously hard on yourself?

[Sagiquarius]

While I can understand your feelings of inadequacy, because I've been there and still am in a lot of ways, I can't help but think that a lot of what you're saying is self-pity. I don't discount that life is not what you expected it to be. I'm sure that you are depressed because you haven't accomplished what you wanted to and you don't have fulfilling relationships, I believe you there. But come on...dude you're 20! 20! Five years younger than I am. You graduated with a 3.7 GPA, you have a roof over your head and your parents are obviously looking out for you.

Come on man get it together. If you don't like yourself then change. Find out who you're really supposed to be and work toward it. And do not expect anyone else to love you if you openly admit and accept that you have nothing, not even the slightest bit of warmth, to offer.

I know it sounds like I along with everyone else is being harsh or misunderstanding but I think there are people who have been through so much worse. While I know you can't judge your life by other people's accomplishements or failures, take a step back and look what you have. Don't wait for life to come to you my friend, go grab it by the ears and make it come to you. Your world is your canvas, create your masterpiece.

[WeirdBrake]

While I understand the positive intent of some of the other posters (stonemonkey, personalegend, Sagiquarius... by the way, welcome to the boards, Sagi! :) ), I think some of what has been said is a little misguided. You simply can't tell someone in the grip of severe depression to "cheer up" or "snap out of it" or "grab life by the horns." It just doesn't work that way.

In addition, it is meaningless to tell someone with depression that "other people have it much worse." I say all this from personal experience.

Also (and not to pick on you, personalegend), but I vigorously disagree with the idea of traveling. Someone who is severely depressed is in no condition to travel around the world, and it could end up worsening things. Plus, traveling is a huge expense and is thus not a realistic option for most people.

[personalegend]

As I said, travelling should only be considered once the severe depression is under control and you have reached the source of it......all I know is that once I was starting to feel better, travelling helped me get a lot of perspective. And I worked for a whole year just to save enough money to do it, but it was nice paying me own way the whole time and knowing I was treating myself. Even a short two week trip can help.....

However, until travelling is an option, therapy is very important!

[stonemonkey]

so where do draw the line between ppl who are severely, clinically depressed and ppl who are just down and feeling sorry for themselves?

[WeirdBrake]

so where do draw the line between ppl who are severely, clinically depressed and ppl who are just down and feeling sorry for themselves?

Simple: If you're constantly wishing for death and thinking of suicide and you're also a 20-year-old college graduate with a 3.7 GPA who views yourself as a pathetic failure, you're probably severely, clinically depressed.

[stonemonkey]

yeah, you've got a point, WeirdBrake. i'm usually reluctant to tell ppl (including myself) that they really have a problem unless i'm sure that they do. my fear is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. a bit like how they have so many kids on ritalin these days, it's like: oh, i'm taking drugs and going to therapy, there MUST be something wrong with me.

hey anaphora, have you actually considered therapy or counselling?

[stonemonkey]

(but then i'm not a doctor or psychologist, i reallly don't think i'm qualified to be giving ppl advice on a lot of things on this site. i haven't even got my own shit sorted out.)

sorry to hijack your thread, anaphora, please carry on....

[anaphora]

As far as my parents go, I don't want to give you the false impression that I hate them or hold any ill feelings toward them. However, I don't love them. And they do not love me. They are doing what they feel is a duty that they have taken upon themselves since I was conceived. And I respect them for that.

As for travelling, I've done that, though perhaps not in the way you might be thinking. Whenever I travel somewhere I always feel much worse. This past summer I took the opportunity to study in New York (I live on the West Coast, by the way) and while the program itself wasn't awful, I felt completely miserable most of the time and so cut off. When not miserable, then numb.

I was in therapy over 2 years ago for a brief period, but it didn't help much. I do not believe in psychiatric medication under most circumstances.

Right now, I'm just wondering if things will ever get bad enough that I will finally choose to prevent more disgrace and end my life. If it never reaches that point, then I'm just waiting to die. The sooner the better.

[stonemonkey]

why don't you believe in psychiatric medication? do you think you have a serious problem that needs to be fixed? just out of curiousity, what do you study?

[anaphora]

I think psychiatric medications just numb people to their problems and that they are overprescribed by busy doctors who don't want to bother with their patients. Obviously, disorders like violent psychoses often require pharmacotherapy. But mood problems, almost never.

I have been this way for about 10-12 years. It grows worse with time.

I am a student of both the arts and sciences. The great works, whether philosophy or science, history or drama, that describe things as they really are. Ideas that reveal the reality at the core of human experience, a reality that, regardless of time or place, does not change.

But I am especially fond of Classics, that is, the study of Greek and Latin.

I study to escape. It's one of the few places where you can occasionally find repose.

[stonemonkey]

when's the last time you were happy? do you have friends?

[anaphora]

I think the last time I was happy on a continual basis was when I was around 6 years old.

I don't have any friends.

[DharmaBum79]

Anaphora,

I'm not the most tactful or empathetic person in the world, so please don't take anything I say as criticism. I'm not trying to drive you deeper into despair-that's the last thing I want to do-but you might not want to hear everything that I say. Just remember I'm on your side, and I want to help you.

Having said that, it seems to me like you don't truly want anybody's help, and you'd rather stay depressed. You've rejected everyone's suggestions to make you feel better, and you seem to have convinced yourself that things will never improve. If that's the case, than there's nothing any of us can do for you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. YOU are the only person who can change your mood; none of us can do it for you.

You also have to remember that no matter how alone you feel, there are many people out there who care about you. This forum is just one example. We all barely know you, and we're all concerned about you. There's also a whole world out there, full of beauty and wonder. If you're willing to let it, it will make your life immeasureably better.

You mentioned that you aren't a big fan of psychiatric medications. They may only be a quick fix, but they might be a step in the right direction. Something to keep you out of this depression until you can get some real help. Just a suggestion.

Whatever you do, PLEASE do not consider suicide. Nothing is so bad that it's worth killing yourself over. You have to believe that things WILL get better.

[stonemonkey]

but what i don't get, DharmaBum79, is if anaphora really does want to stay depressed, why come here and tell us abt it?

[anaphora]

DharmaBum79,

You're right. I am the only person who can change my mood.

I suppose I should be more specific and let you in on this little plan that I have, however ridiculous and ineffectual it seems. I am going to attend school for one term, even though I don't really need to. I am going to discern about my life (or lack thereof) and see if I cannot come to some conclusions about where I should be going, why I should be going there, and how to do it. I am thinking of taking a trip somewhere (I have a few destinations in mind) for a short period of time for further self-inquiry.

But if all of that is fruitless, then I cannot help but wonder if the end is near. I am running out of steam after all these years of feeling lost and isolated. And I won't keep playing this game if I have no more reasonable moves to play. In that case, I just want out, clean and simple. I often feel I've lived a dozen lifetimes in these few years. Maybe I'm old before my time. But I won't keep on doubling the pain of this life.

When I was really young, I never really thought to worry about whether all the dreams I'd planted would get washed out in the rains to come.

[WeirdBrake]

Ana... believe me, I agree with you about psychotropic meds. From age 15 to 19, psychiatrists had me on every antidepressant in the book, and none of them worked. In fact, my depression ended when they took me OFF all the meds (go explain that!). So I agree with you about not wanting to take meds and with the idea that doctors overprescribe them in today's society, often without really knowing what they're doing.

However, psychological counseling doesn't necessarily entail taking drugs. PhD-holding therapists won't prescribe drugs, and they are more likely to see you and treat you as a person and address your real-life concerns (as opposed to treating you like a mass of neurochemical influences).

Honestly, given what you've said, it truly sounds like you need a professional-- a detached third party-- to look at your life and give you a different perspective and maybe help you sort some things out. I don't quite know what to make of what you said about your parents and your relationship with them. However, I do know that depression can also distort how you perceive yourself in relation to others (and others in relation to you). Many times people with depression will be unaware that their family members love them (or they'll assume that they don't).

Having said that, it seems to me like you don't truly want anybody's help, and you'd rather stay depressed. You've rejected everyone's suggestions to make you feel better, and you seem to have convinced yourself that things will never improve.

Dharma... with all due respect, this is just about the worst and most useless thing to tell someone who is severely depressed. It's also meaningless. And it's also ridiculous to draw a conclusion like that after reading a few of a person's posts on an online message board.

[anaphora]

cellisangel,

I refer to this as hyperanalysis. It's a neverending dialogue with yourself in your mind about everything you do and say and feel, and whether it's appropriate or not. It's introspection on an intense level.

I have not been able to stop this system, but I wish you luck in trying to.

WeirdBrake, I completely agree with you about the meds. There's an epidemic of toxic psychiatry going on. The metabolites of Prozac have even been found in the drinking water in England!

Like I said, I've done therapy before, wasn't too helpful. But that doesn't mean it couldn't ever be. It's also really expensive!

[anaphora]

The thing about going to a therapist is that you always feel like such a loser or a freak, just another nutjob who needs help. How pathetic!

However, therapy has helped a lot of people. I'm open to doing it again, if it's feasible economically.

No insurance coverage on mental health issues.

[WeirdBrake]

just another nutjob who needs help

As George Carlin says, "We're all f*cked. It helps to remember that." :)

[anaphora]

haha!

[Multiades]

Ana, some of the stuff you've described hits SO CLOSE to what I know so well. No sense of purpose, no motivation, feeling like I have nothing to offer that is unique among thousands or millions of equally (or better) qualified people -- even if I COULD find something I knew I wanted.

A 3.7GPA is nothing to sneeze at, I've slipped down to a 2.75 recently. I have consistently underutilized myself for my entire life, and show no sign of improving. At 23, I feel completely at the end of my rope.

My self-criticism is severe, and my overanalysis leaves no dark corner unexposed. Wherever I look there is just more and more to be dissatisfied with; they call people like you and I pessimists. :p

Seriously, you sound almost exactly like me... I knew I wasn't alone in feeling this way, but I'm a little surprised at how close the details are, right down to the parents and suicidal outlook. The main departure comes in the form of my physical self -- while a bit out-of shape, I'm slender and still have muscle tone. I enjoy a few forms of excercise that help maintain myself, but it is in large part a physical gift. I got just about the best set of genes I could reasonably hope for.

I'm not brilliant; I'm just intelligent enough to know how far short I have fallen.

-Chris

[lynseymay]

Ok first off, I agree that telling someone that's clinically depressed when she clearly is, to just snap out of it. Depressed people can't just snap out of it and people who say that have probably never been depressed for extended periods of time. Anaphora, you clearly need help. Anyone that mentions suicide needs help. Have you tried talking to your parents about this? Being depressed can, and often does, distort our views of things. I would talk to them about it.

Secondly, being only 20 with a college degree and a 3.7 GPA is pretty damn impressive. Don't rule out the idea of medication. I know that you may feel there's a stigma attached to taking antidepressants, but they really do help certain people (they helped me).

YOu said you were in therapy 2 years ago for a short time, well that's not enough, clearly. You need to be in therapy again for a while as getting out of a long bout with depression takes a LONG time. I know I'm still living it.