Did you change a lot between 21 & 25?

[Lizbeth]

I'm graduating from college next year and things are starting to fall into place for me. My classes are ok but school bores me and I want to get out into the world because I've always liked working. I finally have figured out who my friends are, how to manage my money, blah, blah, blah.

BUT. I met a really great guy this past year and we're in love with each other. He's finished school and is moving 5 hours away and won't have much money. We're planning to work this out but wanted to know how unrealistic I'm being about this.

Here's my question. Did you change as much from 21 to 25 as you did from 17 to 21?

[Antonina]

I changed more between the ages of 21 and 25 (I am 25 now) than I did between 17 and 21! I think that was because I was at university between 17 and 22, so I was "sheltered" or at least buffered by the fact that you are mostly surrounded by a comfortable group of friends of your own age etc most of the time. Plus, back then there were a lot less "real pressures" of life- I moved out of home at 20 though, so I starting to deal with money matters (bills etc) then. I suppose it depends whether you've been and are still studying or whether you have been working all through since high school (I don't know your background). If you are studying- I have no doubt that you'll be a completely different person by several years out; but if you've been working, maybe you won't be that much changed at 25.

Apart from the above, I also found that you do emotionally mature a lot in your early 20s, even if you don't try! You just look at things so differently, and priorities change. What that means is that, what might feel like the complete solemn truth when you are younger might have you in fits of laughter when you look back with the added wisdom and experience of a few more years. I know I do. It's like when the little 9 year old girl next door looks offended when you call them "young".

To make my answer relevant to your situation, give this relationship your best (and good luck to you)- but know that it will be very hard to keep up with all the changes that will no doubt happen to both you and him when you are apart. Your chances are better if you have great communication, and if you can do regular quality time "visits", so you can keep up with each other. Good luck!

[drifter]

I changed more b/w 21 and 23 (which I am now) than b/w 17 and 21.
I am not working full-time yet but have lived out of home in two different share-house accommodations so have felt a bit of budget stress before!

I changed emotionally mostly. I realised that things that were important to me as a kid, really are important. So if as a kid, you always dreamed of living near your family and friends, and then you have a relationship in your late teens where you consider moving away from your family and friends for a bit to be with your partner, you might find that is ok for now but in a few years you will feel the strain of wanting to live comfortably at home without moving around.

Despite this, I am in a relationship that is a bit tough for me now (my boyfriend is from a different cultural background and my parents dont give me an easy time about it). It is tough for me to look 5 years ahead and know then what my priorities will be (between him and my close and wider family), even though I realise now that my religion and culture is important to me, which i didn't realise it when I started going out with him.


I think you have to do what you feel is right for now. There is no learning the lesson before it has been taught to you, if you know what I mean. You cant know what the future will hold.
I have seen long distance relationships work and long distance relationships fail.

If you want to try with this guy in your heart of hearts, then you will do it whatever we say on this message board. And if the relationship wears thin and you both start growing apart, you will notice it and it will end then with no regrets.

I think personally it is extremely difficult to cut yourself off now from someone you love because of what might be good in the future or because you estimate you will change in a certain way in the future.

But that is just my opinion...:)

[Unregistered]

Totally agree! I think at least for me, the most changes have taken place in my early and now mid-twenties. I can't believe I'm going to be 26 next July (I look 20, TG) and feel weird when people ask me when I'm getting married, I still feel so young. The college years I changed, but not too much. but since I've been totally indy for the last 2 years, I've changed so much. I finally am comfortable with someone not liking me, it used to bother me so and I needed find out why, but now I'm okay with being assertive and know that it doesn't make me "not nice" or unfeminine. I think being on my own has made me own and face up to my good and not so good traits and these are what makes me who I am. In your teens and early twenties you try so hard to be someone else, but I found that I take myself less and less seriously as I get older and can handle criticism from family, coworkers, and people who haven't really taken the time to get to know me.

[crazy-girl]

Yep, I did too. When I graduated from college I moved to a different city for a job. I suddenly was on my own making a go of it. I made new friends and developed new hobbies. You have to mature once you start working in the "real world". It's just inevitable. Your priorities change, your interests change and what you look for in a friend changes.

Once I started working I realized that my fun time friends of college were great for me AT THAT TIME but once I started working 9-5 and they were either in school still or not working those hours, we didn't have much in common. I couldn't go drinking on Wednesday nights. I had bills and student loan statements.

It's sad and I miss a lot of those friends but our relationships turned into "Do you remember when?" or "Have you talked to so and so?" and there was very little that we were doing other than that.

[Jayesh]

Well, I changed a lot between 21 and 25(I am 27 now), and I changed a lot between 17 and 21 too. But, it is kind of an apples and oranges comparison, because I changed in differrent ways.
After 24, I found out that I could understand my feelings better. Until I was 20, I used to control my emotions, and usually get overwhelmed by them, but over the past few years I have learnt to live with them. also, there were other things in life, like I moved out of the conutry when I was 23, and really become independent on my own.
Another thing I have noticed, is that I am not as confident as I was right out of college. When I was in my teens uptill I left college, I thought I knew the answer to everything Now, I know my answers are either wrong or too shallow. Maybe, I was too cocky back then, and I am much more realistic now.

Jayesh

[Unregistered]

I'd say I changed more from 21 to 24 (well, I'm almost 24) than from 17-21.

A lot of my growing from 17-21 was social and personal. Moving from fitting in at high school to fitting in at college. There was a lot of figuring out who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, and where I was going as well.

My growing from 21 to 24 has been more "adult." I stopped worrying about finding and keeping friends. I realized that so many of my friends were either bad for me or I was drifing apart from the good ones (b/c both they and I were trying to live and get used to real world life). Things such as finding a job, dealing with mounds of bills I didn't have before, and trying to deal with the curve balls life has thrown my way (dealing w/ a horrid boss at my first job out of school, being unemployed, worrying about how to pay the bills, needing a new car and spending tons of $$ on car repairs, wondering what career path I really want to take and if I want to go back to school) became my priorities. I wonder occasionally if I will ever find the time to meet and marry and have kids... Life from 21-24 has, I feel, been so focused around ME trying to adjust and cope.

I was bored at the end of school too and ready to get out but once I got out there... I was wishing I could have been back in! School was comfortable, familiar, and there was so much less to worry about. I don't think it's unrealistic to be in love and happy at 21 but I think you will go thru an adjustment period, no matter how prepared you feel you are, once you graduate from college. Just take things one step at a time, with your eyes open, and give yourself time to figure out where you are and where you're going once you're out in the real world for a bit.

[Lizbeth]

Thanks to all of you who replied....I'm looking forward to getting out of school and working - but not to all the bills, problems, and the "curve balls" that life is going to throw at me. I came from a very sheltered environment and going to a big, impersonal school was much tougher than anticipated but think I learned a lot of lessons the hard way.

We're NOT planning on getting married; the subject hasn't even come up but we're proceeding cautiously into the future with that as a possibility. From what I've seen and heard, it's hard to meet people once you get out of school because everyone is so busy working, trying to make ends meet, figuring out whether or not to go back to school, blah, blah, blah.

What's been the biggest surprise about being in your mid-20's? Did you think you'd have everything figured out? Did you think you'd have met the "right" person by now? Is it harder to meet people or have the energy to pursue different hobbies or interests? What would you have done differently in the past few years?

[crazy-girl]

Biggest Surprise: How damn hard it is to make friends once you leave college and how hard it is to keep the friends you do have. I really never knew what "growing apart" was until I got out of school

Right person by now: Well, I always had my time schedule and I thought I'd be married by 28, first kid 33, second kid 35. I thought I'd be making way more money by now and have a new car. So many plans. I'm only 26 so technically I COULD make a lot of my "time goals" but I'm sort of throwing them out the window. They just make me feel bad.

Meet people: Well, it's easy to MEET people. I joined a book club, joined a networking group. I meet people all the time. It's hard to turn those casual once a month meetings into friendships. THAT is the hard part. Many people at this age have their own cliques of friends and they really aren't taking any new applicants. Many others have their relationships and don't want to go out with the girls ever. It's hard to make friendships but it's not hard to be busy.

Hobbies: Well, I don't make a lot of money so I have a bunch of things I'd LOVE to get into more but I need to use that money on car repairs, bills and food. Spare cash does not exist for me.

Done differently: I would have trusted my gut. That's the best advice I can give you. I usually knew if a job, or friend or boyfriend was bad news after my first encounter but I'd trick myself into not believing my gut. I should have not taken jobs and not hung out with certain people. But you can't spend life regrettin'---just move on and learn.

[Phoenix]

Biggest surprises: How hard it was to find a job and how quickly a large amount of my money is sucked down the drain by bills (both expected expenses and the unexpected ones). I didn't think I'd have it all figured out when I graduated. I thought I had a fairly good grasp, at the very least. I knew I was good at handling money before I graduated, but real world bills hit me hard - especially w/o a job.

Another thing that surprised me was how self-absorbed my friends still in college became after I left. The ones still in college rarely bothered to call during normal times, but whenever they needed something when stuff hit the fan, guess who they called. I was always there for them whenever they needed me but they never returned the same treatment. Needless to say I did a little house-cleaning in that area. The friends who graduated were busy struggling w/ their own lives or just didn't make the effort, so we drifted apart - because I got tired of making the effort and being the glue that kept us together. I learned (big time!) that friendships need 2 people to make a significant effort, no matter how hard you want them to suceed.

"Right person": Probably at the end of high school/beginning of college I thought I would have found the right person by now. A reality check and a wake up call a couple years later, :) I knew that that would not be the case. I have a lot more things planned for myself, goal-wise before I settle down anyway...But I'd say I don't expect to *meet the person that is right for me until my late 20s or sometime in my 30s. (And if I'm in my 30s and it hasn't happened, let's say 40s, shall we? ;) )

Meeting people: I have found that it is significantly harder to meet people. The most people I've met have been co-workers and not outside people I randomly met through other friends or groups. Then again, this depends on where you live probably. If you remain in a college town, for example, then you may meet more people. But I think there comes a point where you feel you're too old for the other groups of people on campus. Like crazy-girl said, it's harder to make and keep significant friendships w/ people who have already developed their groups. (Although, from these boards, a lot of us are searching for a group of friends, so I don't know why this is so hard if so many individuals are looking...)

Hobbies: For me, it's hard to have the energy to pursue hobbies and interests. After working a 40 hour week, plus commuting to and from my job in traffic, I'm wiped out. The most I've managed to do was take some dance classes w/ an adult education class once a week for a few months. But after working all day, then wearing yourself out in an hour and a half class - all the time left when you come home is used to eat, shower, and go straight to bed. Weekends haven't been any better. I spend my weekends cleaning, paying bills, and catching up on the other stuff I don't have the energy to do during the week. Maybe I just need to find a groove!

Done differently: I should have ended relationships that I knew were bad and friendships where I got treated like crap - from the get-go. I think this goes w/ what crazy-girl said about trusting your gut. I've been too much of the nice girl in giving people second and third chances. I should've just said See Ya! to these people earlier than I did. As far as jobs are concerned as well, I have learned that if I'm not happy, not to stick around. The situation only gets worse and there's something better out there. It may take its sweet time in coming to you, but it's out there.

[Jayesh]

Biggest surprise: My biggest surprise has been how much people have changed around me. When I was in college, I figured that i would grow after I leave college, but I never thought about my friends out growing me. I thought everyone will be the same as they were (reminds me of a Nirvana song, "Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be..."). In the process, I have lost all my college friends to life, made new friends, and lost them again. I am tired of making friends.

"Right person": I havent met the right person yet, but then again I havent been actively looking for the right person uptill very recently

"Meeting people": Meeting people is tough. Part of it is that people shy away from mixing their personal lives with their professional lives. Actually, I have been burnt by doing just that. One of my colleagues became my very best friend. He was a little bit senior to me( a little more than a year), but I was chosen for a position that he had been asking for a very long time. Our friendship hasnt been the same since.

Hobbies: For me, new hobbies usually come with new friends, but since now I've lost all my friends, I am trying to get some of my own.

Done differrently: Nothing at all. I may not be in the best situation relationship-wise, but I am proud of my career. I had taken the decision to concentrate on my career early in life, and I have been succesful in that.

J

[Lipgloss Boost]

ok: don't judge me on this one but when i was 21 i decided to liberate myself & take some control over my sexual situation. so i have changed *alot*! i don't regret what i did (slept with my friend's live-in guy, a guy from class, & a guy from work - all within the same 3 months - 2 during the week, one on the weekend) - but i'm *much* happier @ age 25 with Clint, who i've been with for 11 months now! i think having volunteered in the field since then, & now working in the feild, it's given me some direction. correctional work still i think, seemed like a pipe-dream back then. :)

[CAT11]

I will pipe up here because at 21, I have probably lived the life of a 30yo.
I don't think it is so much that you change automatically during 21-24, you are just presented with circumstances that you haven't ever had before. I have lived on my own since I was a junior in high school, so while a lot of people my age never have, I have 4 years of it this.
I think that we are never presented with opportunities for dramatic growth when our lives are stagnant and predictable, such as high school and even into college. That is why so many people find the twenties so volatile, because up until then, everything had been so well planned.
As far as things go with this guy, I have done the long distance thing, and it can work, it just takes the relationship to a different level. If you are worried that you will change so much that you won't have anything in common with him anymore, you are the only one that can hold yourself back. You don't ever want to regret something down the road, especially if it doesn't work out with him. Distance is just another obstacle for a relationship to over come, like complusive spending or tardiness.
I agree with trusting your gut. Even if the choice doesn't work out exactly as you planned, you will have gained valuable knowledge and an opportunity for growth.

[zoloft king]

yes!
1)21-not aware of my student loan debt (how it follows you around like chains to a jakob marley)
25-$20,000 in debt, starting to deal w/it

2)as a person
21-clueless about the real world
25-find myself wishing i was 21 again, dude, i'd change everything in terms of career and school and location choices i made in a heartbeat!

[jwild]

I change alot. I think it went all down hill at 23, and woke up with my first hange over. Realizing that life mostly suck and those few gleaming moment of clarity and purpose get fewer and far between. Sorry.... if it is to negative.

So your 21?

I can tell I change alot 21... to 23 that was like eye opening. I think the world changed too and now 23... to 26 wow.. big changes. I feel older, not wizer... I hate loud bars and long nights, but I seem to have more of them. I have full time job, that I would love, if my boss was not such a #@%&*. I fear waking up and being my mom.

I meet a great to when I was 21, the only problem was by 23 he meet a great guy too.. I think they are still together.

I guess what I am saying is don't short yourself, taste what is on the menu. I am 26 and still not ready for the marriage kids thing, but I think I am getting closer.

[Lizbeth]

Thanks everyone. It's interesting how everyone brings different ideas and experiences to the table. I'm a little nervous now about how much my friends might change too because I'm starting to see a little bit of that this summer. Everyone is starting to worry about graduating, getting a job, figuring out if they should stay together or break up with the person they've been seeing, blah, blah, blah.

[michele1176]

For me (I'm 25) - I feel as though I stopped changing when I hit 21. I'm pretty much the same person at 25. I'm not that same, feisty person I was at 15 or 19, which I wish I was.

[BCS819]

I would have to take both sides and say all eight years (17-25) involve a lot of change. It just seems the change between 21-25 is different from 17-21. I know for me, getting out of high school and out from my parent's roof was quite a change. I became a lot less sheltered and decided to try to experience as much life as possible. I can't say that I regret too many things that I've done b/c they have all helped shape me into the person I am now. I actually moved out on my own at 20 and started working full-time while going to school. That brought about a lot of change and an increase in responsibilies. But I was still quite immature. I feel like the biggest personal change has just started happening. I am about to turn 23. Due to the loss of a relationship and all my closest friends, I am really beginning to enter the "finding myself" stage. And I have to say, I love it. I am really starting to enjoy this time to myself. I am learning so much about myself, rearranging priorities, and figuring out what I want. It's great. Because I dont' have a lot of close friends right now (besides my high school friends who live out of town), I am able to learn what it is that I like, without outside influence from others. I really am beginning to feel myself grow and mature. I am learning the important lesson of being comfortable with myself.

Despite not looking or wanting a relationship, I have recently started dating someone. He is a year younger, still in school, and lives 3hrs away but I feel all these things are a good thing. I've always dated people older (my ex was 13yrs older) and it seems like the older they are, the more baggage they come with, as well as there seems to be more pressure. I always felt like I needed to be more mature(which I am for myage) but there really are times when I want to act my age. Having someone closer in age allows me to be more care free and just have fun with it. The distance is especially good because it still allows me to have my space and not get smothered. I am still able to have plenty of time to myself. Plus, I think it helps the relationship to not get burned out. We can only see each other on weekends, and not necessarily every weekend, so it makes the time we do spend together even more special. We actually look forward to seeing one another. It's also nice because the majority of getting to know each other has to be over the phone which makes us talk. There are no distractions. We've really been able to find out a lot about each other in a short period of time. WHo's to say what the future will hold, but for now I think that the long distance thing is good, at least for me.

I hope I've helped you out a bit. I know everyone is different, has different expectations, and experiences life at a different pace but I really think we learn from each other. My best advice is to keep visiting this site. i know I have learned a lot from it and it has helped me feel like I am not a lone. It's also a good place to vent because it's an objective opinion.

Best of luck with life, love, and happiness! :D