Verge of a Meltdown: New Grad Moves Back In W/Nagging Mother!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Beachbum10380]

So, I graduated in mid-May from college.Moved back in to my mom's house. Divorced parents, have always lived mainly at mom's house, stay at dad's occasionally, but stepmother is misery on feet. My mother means well, I guess, but has thrown herself into micro-managing my life for 21 years. Beautiful, smart lady that hasn't dated--b.c she's a teacher, she blames that for why she is not out there. Yes, sure it is very hard these days, but she has had her time to blossom and grow, and she is stifling my time. I am down in the dumps, can't see friends often at all, am temping at places and have been promised a job at a terrrific company--but unfortunately, it cannot start soon enough. I am a good kid, never in trouble, sweet and extremely bright and going to be successful. So, why am I bitching? I cannot DEAL! Oh, major factor I left out: I am EXTREMELY messy and haven't sorted through all of the things in my room. Ooops. It is like I shut down every time she nags me to clean it up. Yeah, it IS her house and I lived on my own at college for four years and it's an adjustment. No arguments here. But she is relentless in nagging every single day. I am so aggravated at her bossiness and over-involvement, "suggestions" that I go to bed.... She is driving me NUTS! She wanmts to redecorate, but she has had plenty of time to get this going for years and I feel like I can't even BREATHE without her butting in, asking me/demanding that I sort out and give away things I don't use anymore. Yeah, it sounds simple, right? Just pick it up to shut ehr up. Right? NO! Not simple. I've asked calmly, angrily and every other way. I've told her how I feel whenshe does this. I just feel like if it weren't the messy room, it would be some other thing I'm not doing that she wants to exert her dominance over. I am 21 and we had a party for me alst week. she does not drink as a rule, hardly ever. My dad has a problem with alcoholism, but according to ME, my therapist, and anyone qualified to judge, I am NOT of the type to become a drinker with a problem. There is worrying as a concerned mother and there is just being ludicrous. She is being ludicrous. So, we have alcogohol in the house--freaking WINE COOLERS, and I bought myself Smirnoff Ice the second wk. I moved back in. Apparently, I have a "REAL problem that I need to drink every day". I don't "need" to, or do it to self-medicate, or to block her out even. Though I'm starting to think seriously about just wasting myself to ignore her. I won't, b/c I can't deal with what she'd say if I did. What to do? My father's house is not a viable option, as this is my house here w/my mother and all my stuff is here. She is after me about the computer--using the Internet--I'm addicted, acc. to her. She's been trying to make me believe it. ALSO-- I know, this is SOOOO long. I'm so sorry, everyone! But I have to vent!!!!--I just withdraw instead of dealing with her. She alked into the living room where I was watching a movie and turned the channel, b/c I'd "had the TV to myself for weeks" and all I do is watch it. Not true. Just at night. I was at school, where I had no time for TV and I am on summer vacation til I begin work. So, it was to exert her dominance over me. She basically drove me out of the room, b/c she launched into a never-ending tirade about how I broke my promises to clean up by June 8th, past her "deadline/ultimatum pt." WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO? Jesus. I've tried to make the situation better by being productive, so I cna be out of the house, interacting w/people besides her. But it is exhausting dealing with her. Subconsciously, I don't even want to do the things she's asked, and I screw myself over to prove to her I won't listen to her crap. Counterproductive, I know, so I have stopped doing that stuff.
I've gone to temp agency after temp agency,. begging for work to get out of the house. The United States is at war, people are dying of diseases we can't cure, a 14-year-old kid was taken out of her house and is missing. 9/11. So much pressure on new grads now that the rug has been pulled out sharply from underneath us. Tons of kids do drugs, are wild/defiant, promiscuous, having unprotected sex in their homes, drinking, drinking and driving. I do none of these things, and my mother is enraged about a messy room, or rather, the principle of it: that I broke a promise to clean it and that translates to why I am lazy, unproductive, and a slug. I have credit card bills up the kazoo, and she knows so, so she taunts me about them. She gave me a party last week and used it against me when I got angry, to say that I'm not sweet anymore now that the party's over. God, it's exhausting even writing this stuff.


I really need some feedback!!![

[Antonina]

sounds like my mother! I had the same kind of problem. I am a "decent" person, the so-called "good" daughter in most ways, am responsible, have been living out of home on and off since I was 20 (I'm now 25) and have always managed just fine- I've never needed financial help from the family to pay the bills, etc etc. Yet I am always yelled at, even if I am home for just one weekend, or even just one evening, for being a "bad daughter". I get told off for serving dinners differently to the way mum likes it (ie. very very trivial matters, always)- part of it is a control freak thing, I think, and they think that it's their job to be that way. What ever the reason, I now realise that they are older, they are set in their ways, and regardless of how "wrong" they are and how "right" you are (it's all subjective anyhow), they are too old for you to change. That much I have learnt from my own experience. So the only option you have is to save up like hell so you can move out from under her rules, or just put up with it. There is not much else you can do... I KNOW.

[BMCalumni]

The last two posts sound exactly like what I have been going through for the past 8 months. I graduated May 2001, and moved home October 2001, and that's when living at home changed forever! I had knee surgery 3 months ago, and that was the only relief of the constant nagging from my parents. My parents always talk to their friends about me like I am a complete waste, and not doing anything to find a job. So, of course, my entire family thinks I am a complete slacker with no motives. When in fact, no one even gives me credit for working my a$$ off since I moved home on trying to find a job. I am the youngest child in my family, and I am constantly reffered to as "the baby". But damn, I'm 23....but still treated like I am 12. I can't even go to Wal-Mart by myself without one of my parents going with me, cause they don't want me to go out by myself. LOL

Beachbum & Antonina---- I am so happy to see that I am not the only one on the verge of a nervous breakdown over my parents. UGH!! I could vent all day on this topic.... :)

Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed for me..I have a job interview on Friday with a Public Relations Firm! YIPPPEEE :)

[M4A1]

Let us describe the problem in the most condense form possible:

You hate being nagged by your mother

Now let's look at these possible options:

1. Avoid your mother, move out of the house. Immediate fix.
2. Change your behavior to your mother's liking. Gradual result.
3. Control your emotion & block out the naggings. Gradual result.

I present a solution that combines the three:

First, Control your emotion. Know that you can only control yourself, and that ultimately you cannot be 100% sure of how a person is going to react to your action. Even if you are acting in a "perfect" way-- which is still your own imagination-- you still can't be sure that other person is going to respond the way that you want. Master yourself first, then behave yourself in a certain way to get that positive response. In what "certain way?" I'll leave you to answer that, you are a very sensible person, and only you can find what kind of behaviors will work for you.

Adjust your behavior to avoid friction between you and your mother. She may continue to nag. You should counter that by keep reminding yourself that you are making a gradual change, and ultimiately you can only control yourself. If she recognizes your new behavior, then great, if not, just shrug it off.

Last, you'll move out in the end. Even if you plan to stay with her. You need to make clear that you are independent, and that you'll be running your own show. You'll respect her. But no longer in need of her guidance. Be sure to have that talk with her. But start by acting that you can be independent, so that you can back up your words when you talk to her.

Good luck.

[Unregistered]

This may sound out of this world for you right now, but believe it or not, it may be possible for you to become friends with your mother.

I also moved back home after graduating from college, and it's been 3 years now that I've been back (in and out). I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd live past the end of the week, often saying, "I'm not paying rent in dollars, but with my sanity." Even now, I look forward to the time when I'll have my own place and not have to put up with "why can't you find a real job?" and "when are you going to find a husband?" or sometimes "why aren't you more this or that way?!" day after day after day after day. . .

Guess what, though? Over time, I've gotten to know my mom differently than before leaving for college. Gradually, I realized that yes, they're adults, but so am I; therefore I ought to try to be a little more grown up about the situation. As a result, I've discovered a truly fascinating person who loves gardening (although she tends to kill plants), has a sense of humor and is totally into soccer. I never would have seen her in this way if I didn't come back. And for that, I appreciate her all the more.

Right now things are probably really intense for you because you just moved back in, and the last thing your mom remembers is looking after you as a minor. But you're a little older now, and perhaps she's just not quite used to that yet. And like you said, it's also going to take some time adjusting back to her way of running the house as opposed to living on campus.

So unless you're moving out in the next week or month or so, don't expect things to get fixed in a hurry. It's going to take time on both ends, that's for sure. But I have learned one thing: a little bit at a time goes a long way.

Hopefully for you, your relationship with your mom will change for the better. Who knows? I sure hope so for you!

Keep us posted!

[Lipgloss Boost]

oh i feel you ya, Darlin'! i've gots one of my own!

i moved back post-university to pay off the debt, decide what i was going to do, & save up some $. i *know** where you're coming from! now that i've moved back out & am taking another program (build up that education!) she calls & gets all over my ass: still!

i thought last week when i first read your post that i had advice. now i know that mostly what i can give is *empathy*! know that living back w/ your mom will only *ever* be a temporary situation! if you're fed up - you'll find a way to move out. just realize this is only temporary!

[Radgirl]

God Bless you all! I know exactly what you all are going through. I am to the point that I cannot stand my family any longer. If I didn't have to see them until the end of the year, that would be fine with me. I know it sounds harsh, but I am sick of it. It's soooo great to finally see someone in my same boat. I hope that we all can make it.

[aldwin26]

Same boat here ! I moved out three years ago and just recently moved back b/c I lost a job. It's been kind of hell living at home again especially coming from the west coast. Don't have any other option but to come home, my bills are also up to the kazoo and I have no job. Oh well, at least I don't have an apartment to worry about paying rent.

[Radgirl]

I am sorry to even say this, but I am to the point that I don't even want to have anything to do with my family. So many people say that you can have a relationship with your family, mother, etc..., but that is not and I don't think will ever be with my mother. My mother wants to execute all her power and control over me. It makes me sick. I feel like I am treated like trash, like a horrible person/daughter, especially when I do everything for these people. It hurts very much. I feel for all of you who have to live with your parents. They have a wonderful way of making you feel like absolute crap.

[TankgirlyC]

My parents do the same things to me. Exert control...treat me as a child...tell me everything I do is wrong. I would love to sit and tell them *I respect you but I dont need your guidance anymore I am independent* but they would scream at me saying that their right as a parent is to tell me their thoughts on everthing. Uhm how about you raised me so I should make the right decisions correct??
I cant wait to move out....they havent realized that the 4 years at college changed me and made me into an adult...even if Im under their roof for now (paying $100 in rent cause well $ is important to them...more than my getting out on my own).
I get told Im addicted to the net and TV even when I only have them on in MY FREE time.
Believe me..its nice to know there are others out there with similar living situations....we can comiserate together!

[AMB25]

azapata,
Don't feel guilty at all about not spending time with your family. Part of being adult involves figuring out how to make yourself happy and who makes you happy. Unfortunately, sometimes with that comes the realization that our parents make us feel bad about ourselves. That is the case for me and i haven't talked to my family for about a year now. Every time I talked to them I felt as you do, sick stomach, panic feeling, etc. since not talking to them, I feel like I can answer the phone again without worrying who might be on the other end to yell at me. It allowed me to really concentrate on myself. How long has it been since you've talked to them? Good luck

[acousticgroupie]

hey ladies, been listening to your conversation. i posted on the other board about this magazine article I'm working on. i'm interested in learning how you all "claim" your independence from your parents? do any of you still attend school? live at home? how do you grow but still maintain good ties with your parents?

if you'd like to share, i'd appreciate it. i've read the book and been there. now i want to help others:)

you can write me at kpasculli78@cs.com, please include your first name, age and school you attend/ed.

thanks!

kristen:):razz:

[calichick1]

i entirely know how all of you feel like. my mom thinks it's like a problem on my part that i didn't want to go grocery shopping with her. she's going to costco. i've fought with my parents yesterday night. it seems li can never have friends because they always judge them so harshly. she called my ex, that she forbid me to see, a man. not anything else, but a man. i couldn't even tell her i was in love with him. i can't live like this anymore cause i don't have any friends. i'm ging to go into a college type program for only about a year and a half, but i only hope to survive and get my certificate and get out of here. i don't know if i'll ever want to speak to my parents again. hopefully thing between us will change. moving out is going to be my ponly solution and putting up with them or needing their help in any way will totally bother me. i hope to stay away from them maybe for the res tof my life. but i want my kids in the future to be able to see them. i know i'll miss them all, but i gottah do what i have to do. i'm not happy and cannot live at all with this predicament with my parents.

[TankgirlyC]

I have the same things going on only Im out of college and have a career and Im still treated the same way you are.

Its stupid, its lame...and what does it do but make us wet noodles that dont like to confront anything....its not helping us become strong people.

Anyway...hang in there...save $$ and move out. Thats my plan. Just need to start saving!

[lost]

from reading through the forum...i totally agree with the frustration living at home, especially when you have a mom who always tries to control your life...basically runs your life :madder: I actually envy some of you bcuz you were able to move out on some point. well...me...i lived at home with my mom when I went to college since it was nearby and to save $$$. and mainly to help her. just wished that someday i have the courage to move out and be independent and feel free to do anything I want.

And the thing that bothers me the most is that i doubt that i'll be moving out soon...which is soo not good at all!! See...with my mom always noticing my mistake, forcing me to do something that she truly believes is right...had me doubt myself often...about my opinion and self-worth. I'm actually have a phobia of being myself..on my own. I also actually feel angry at myself and guilty sometimes when i get frustrated with her bcuz most of the time all the things she says are right and for my own benefit. But sometimes i would like to make my own decisions and even make my own mistakes! Even i can't make mistakes...i need to be "perfect" in every way.

Now..the thing that i feel the most is pressure and at the same time being pulled-out in different directions. See...my mom is not the only ones who is constantly on my back...even my 2 aunts. Its like having 3 moms!! Like, they want me to take the same job that they have and even work with them...argghhh! And they always compare me to my wonderful cousin who has a good job, a high salary, a stable life..etc.

I'm truly frustrated with my life. Most often i question myself on why I'm here? :cry:

[talkative1]

Dear Lost,

I can relate to your experience. Although I do not live with my mom (that's no accident-I'd go crazy for sure), my mom and sister constantly like to take turns dictating my life choices. They love to give their input/opinion whether I ask for it or not. It is very important to find yourself.

I grew up with this constant dictating and that is what drove me to move on my own. Your mom and aunts probably mean well but they have not lived your life nor have they endure your life expereinces. Thus, I feel that they have no right to impede on your life.

Overall, my advice (even though you did ask for it:) )is to nod and smile when they lay it on thick BUT knowing that deep down inside you are trying to find yourself, thus you nod and smile just to shut them up.

Hang in there!
P.S. Wonder why you are here is normal;)

[coll214]

lost-
I've had a very similar situation to yours- lived at home w/ mom while going to school to save $$ and had to deal w/ nagging mother...I saved up some $$ and finally moved out about 10 months ago. I was out of school a year and a half before i could afford to. Now when she gives advice, it's on a limited basis- I only moved a 1/2 hour away. I'm also constantly compared to cousins the same age who have since moved away and are probally making more $$ than me. I just let it go in one ear and out the other- have become quite an expert at that!! LOL Just hang in there- you are definitely not alone in this situation!!