no dates

[Bill]

I'm almost 25 and have had no dates in about 7 years, and only a few before that. I've tried online personals but never really got any serious responses. I'm shy all the time, so I would never talk to a new girl in person. Any advice?

[Densel]

I come across a lot of shy guys - A LOT! I think if I came across guys who are not shy, I would have been married a long time ago.

From what I've noticed, your best bet is to be introduced by mutual friends. That's pretty much the only way if being shy is stopping you from dating. If your friends know you are single just tell them that if they come across any "interesting" person, you are open to explore. Once your friend tells the potential date about you, I think you will feel more comfortable 'cause at least both parties have an idea of what they are getting into. Besides, the best way of meeting potentials is starting out being friends.

Using personal ads creates a lot of expectations. People usually don't place ads to meet friends. They place ads to get boyfriends or girlfriends. So if things don't turn out the way you hope it to be, it will be a waste of time and sometimes...waste of MONEY!

I've tried the personals in YAHOO and I've had very bad experiences. Remember, you are not the only one that the person on the ad is responding to. Besides...there are CRAZY NUTS at every corner!!! eek!

A friend of mine started dating someone she met throught the personals and it got serious, 6 months into the relationship, she found out that he was still getting responses from the ad and he was setting up dates to meet people secretly.

URRGH!

Good luck!

[Undercover]

Oh my... my fellow brothers, you sound like you need some help! First of all you need to get over your shyness. What do you have to be shy about if you meet a young lady? She's just another person... oh boy, I'm not going to even get into this.

Let me just put it this way. Okay, you want to date. First ya need to take care of yourself and get some sort of style goin'. Get a haircut, shave, keep yourself clean, get some nice cloths, shoes, etc...

Next, get out... chill with your buddies, go places and have a good time!! Don't worry about dating... get out there and meet people with your buddies! It's not too difficult to say 'Hi' and to be friendly. Don't have any expectations and talk to as many people as you can... some of these people you may become friendly with, which will led to meeting more people!! Dude, don't worry about dating... just get out there and enjoy yourself and the ladies will come. Believe me!! Oh yeah, read MAXIM... good guys mag... will lead ya in the right direction!

[Unregistered]

I don't understand this sudden rash of male shyness...I have to say, I'm a little frustrated because a guy I like is really shy. He just won't make a move and I KNOW he likes me. Of course, I'm not used to making the first move so I have no idea what to do. Anyway, if you want to talk to a girl just go up and say hi..the worst that could happen is she looks at you funny and walks off. And I wouldn't do that, I would at least be polite and talk a little bit. You have nothing to lose

[Unregistered]

i totally agree. what ever happened to chivalry? i want the guy to be the one to do the asking, planning, paying...get over your shyness and talk to us!

[Unregistered]

the context is a problem for all of us, but you guys should have the charm to get around that!

[Densel]

There is nothing wrong with coming up to a girl you don't know or a girl you are attracted to!

I don't think we (girls) mind that at all. As long as you say something intelligent. There is a difference between coming up to a girl to say...

"Hey babe, I think you are beautiful, can I have your number?" OR "Damn girl, can I get with you?"

and...

"I hope I'm not scaring you, but I just felt I should say hello and hope we can have coffee sometime. I will give you my number and if you ever feel like it, give me a call."

The second statement is not being pushy and it's giving the girl the choice. The second is sweet and romantic. The second is cool and sensitive. The second statement shows confidence without being cocky. Lastly, the second statement makes the guy less desparate...it's saying - "Here is my number, if you want, give me a call, if not...NO SWEAT!" The guy came over, made the first move by giving out the number, the second move should be from the girl (if interested).

SOMETIMES girls take guys shyness as a spineless, 'no-risk' taking personality. And most girls don't dig that!

[Unregistered]

yeah sista!

[crazy-girl]

Ah, yes. I think I see the problem.

You don't by any chance quote Ghostbusters II frequently?

[Densel]

WeirdBrake,

As I mentioned...the guys make the first move and we in return will respond if interested.

We are flowers, you guys are bees. I have never seen flowers going after the bee...he! he! he!

Don't get me wrong! I know it's 2002 and we gals can make the first move too. I have no problem doing that. I'm NOT shy. Besides, gals being shy is sweet and guys being shy is...

Ladies, help me out. I'm lost for words.

[Undercover]

The problem is more a general overall logistical/social one. Put yourself in my position. You're a guy, and you've literally entered the dating world at close to 23. Before that it was not a consideration, due to other major things that were going on in your life. You are going to be awkward as hell in that situation because you feel completely out of step with the whole thing socially.

WeirdDude... do you hear yourself? Ghostbusters? Are you kidding me? Guy, take a step back and relax, although you may want to get out of the 80's first! You're looking into and analyzing this way too much! What ever happened to just making friends first? It sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourself!

The only advice I can give you is from my own experience. Yeah, I admit, I once was 'shy' and had a hard time approaching the ladies too. As the ladies have said, a lot of guys are this way. You say you're not 'shy'. GREAT!! In fact, you say you can talk to girls and sustain conversation, even flirt? WONDERFUL!! Then what's the problem? Context? You don't need context! As long as you're genuine and friendly on an approach, the ladies will be receptive (right ladies?) and the convo will flow from there.

I actually figured this out by making eye contact, smiling and saying 'hi'. Guess what... girls where actually receptive to this and didn't bite my head off!! Eye contact and body language are a wonderful thing to observe and once you know someone is interested in you, talk to them for heaven sakes!! Even if you don't get their attention, you've got nothing to loose! Listen to the females on this topic... they want us to talk to them!! Context... lol, I never know what I'm going to talk about... I just say Hi, how are ya... maybe a few observational comments and then before I know it she's been talking for 10 minutes! You ladies love to talk!! WeirdBrake, now get your hands out of your pockets and go talk to those chicks!

[Undercover]

incongruous?

Ut oh, are twenty year olds supposed to know how to use this word in a complete sentence let alone know what it even means?

And as for you just trying to be funny, your reference to the Ghostbusters was just too long and detailed and I stopped reading it half way. :rolleyes:

[ljrgoingcrazy]

I don't think that all guys have to be aggressive. There are a lot of aggressive girls who match up well with submissive guys. I think it is all about finding your match. I personally would never ask a guy out, because I want an aggressive, confident guy as a partner, because I am more shy. This weeds out the submissive, shy guys. If the shy guys start pretending they are outgoing, this is going to ruin my whole game plan. There are plenty of girls who like a challenge and will chase the shy guys. However, the shy guys can't be quiet, wierd, and anti-social. Be friendly and the aggressive girls will approach you - it will be a perfect match.

[Densel]

Okay, okay...

I think we should end this thread.

We are all adults here.

[Densel]

Bill,

When the right person comes along things will work out and fall into place.

The person you will meet will find your shyness...sexy and mysterious.

My mom says..."One man's meat is another man's poison" which means what some people see as a turn off, others see as a turn on!

Goodluck!

[crazy-girl]

Just joking Weird Brake!

I actually have seen Ghostbusters II many many times and I'm sort of embarassed by that but what can I say. It makes me laugh. "Vhy am I drippings with goo?"

I agree with previous poster. I was without dates for 22 years of my life. Then I started dating a little when I was 21. Never quite got past date number 2 but I started to be more at ease around the opposite sex. Three years ago I met my current boyfriend. We were friends for a little over a month and then started dating. I don't think there's a magic step to take or something specific you should do. It just happens.

In the words of that one Phil Collins song "You can't hurry love, no you'll just have to wait. Love don't come easy, it's a game of blah blah blah"

Or something like that. Until that happens I have two words of advice: real dolls.

[crazy-girl]

I was just a late bloomer. Physically and everything else. I was 4'7" when I started high school---which happened to be an all girl school so the few guys I did meet were sort of under the impression that I was 10 years old. Then when I started college it took me a while to adjust to being around guys all the time and I didn't dress well (years of a uniform) and could many times be a raging bitch which I'm sure didn't help and was generally a result of my feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin.

:) My senior year everything sort of came together and I went out more and met more people and bought tons of clothes and hair cuts with my new college credit cards and I warmed up to own personlity. It just took a while. I'm still not there yet. I guess we never really are completely comfortable with ourselves though. And I've managed to move away from the "clothes make me cool" mentality too. which is good for my credit.

[Antonina]

Wow guys, I've been away from this normally civilised site for a while, and look what happens while I'm away? A snarlfight!?!?! What the?!?!

Poor Bill (the original poster). I am sure that he is now more confused than ever.

[Antonina]

Have had no life for a little while, just plugging away at the ol' thesis. It's due in just 3 weeks! Hopefully I will be able to meet the deadline... we will see. In the meantime, should stop procrastinating... damn. See you around after that!;)

[Undercover]

WeirdBrake,

Sorry to hear that you're a law student! Just kidding... I have a few friends who have just finished their law degree and they're smart as hell with great jobs now! I, on the other hand, have chosen a much less financially lucrative field, but a field which brings much more personal gratification! I'm an Education student and I was just busting on your vocabulary dude. Rude, hostel? Well, I apologize if that's how you took my reply! I didn't mean it in that fashion! Again, I was just being sarcastic and teasin' ya guy... no harm done.

[Undercover]

My undergrad was in (don't laugh) Meteorology and my masters is in Secondary Ed/Special Ed. I'll be certified to teach General Science in the middle school and Earth Science in the high school. I'll be finidhing up my MSED with student teaching in the spring '03. Can't wait!! For the time being (last 5 years) I've been working as an account coordinator (just a job that fell into my lap after college) and sitting in front of a computer, reconciling/adjusting numbers all day is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't hate it, actually I don't mind it at all, but it's just a job! I want to be passionate about what I do so that's why I had to get back into my field!

[Densel]

Guys,

Is it just me or is there love in this thread?

:o)

[Undercover]

After everybody bustin' eachothers balls I think we've all come to terms. Okay, GROUP HUG!!

[Bill]

I'd like to thank everyone for writing. I don't think things will change for years though. I understand a negative attitude isn't healthy, but I have nothing positive to build on. I am shy all the time, not just around women. I've been to three different therapists and things are still the same. I guess I have to give up on having children before I'm 30.

[johncourage]

I came across this thread which has now turned into a ball of yarn and felt compelled to jump in. Don't give up, Bill. I tell myself this at least once a week to keep me going. Also, people over 30 do get married and/or have children. Priorities change etc.. I thought I had to be married by 25 and here I am still alone.