Recluse!

[michele1176]

Does anyone else feel like a recluse? I never go out anymore. I used to go nightclubbing and play drinking games a few years back, but now I have no one. I am no longer in contact with anyone from high school or college. It gets pretty lonely.

I envy people my age who still have friends from earlier years and who still go out and have a great time. How does one go about making new friends? And is it still possible to make new friends at this age? Forget about dating - I can't get myself a man, so I've stopped trying in that department, but I really would love to have close friends. I recently started watching the sitcom "Friends," and I'm really addicted to it. I think it's a wonderful show! I wish I could have friends like that - who doesn't? Does anyone live in a situation like the one in "Friends?" (i.e. - being across the hall from one another and dating one another and breaking up but still remaining great friends?)

[michele1176]

I had friends in high school, but I was never popular. I despise cliques. I tried to be friends with everyone, but I was really only close with about three people or so. Now I don't even have that.

I myself was a commuter as well for the four and a half years that I went to college, and you really do have to put forth an effort to be social when you're a commuter. Unfortunately, I was too busy focusing on my course work that I often went home straight after class. I've always been an introvert (but still a very friendly, bubbly person), but being a commuter didn't help me come out of my shell.

Don't be so harsh on yourself for not having had a girlfriend yet. Things like that take time. And sometimes you have to aggressively pursue it if you want it. Society sometimes portrays romance as something that just waltzes into your life - you're standing there at a bar one night and all of a sudden from across the room - WHAM! Miss/Mr. Right is there and you lock eyes, and you know it... I'm not so sure about that.

You also have to get in touch with your feelings about being intimate. You mentioned that you suffered from depression while a teenager and attended an alternative high school. I can only imagine that such an experience has made you somewhat withdrawal or timid and a little hestitate about opening up and bonding with someone on such an intimate level. I know it would make me feel that way. I haven't had a boyfriend in nearly five years, and while I wouldn't mind falling in love again, I'm not so sure it will happen. I've been deceived and hurt on so many occasions, that I think I have mentally shut down to friendships and intimate relationships. That's why I think I'm such a recluse now at 25 - after 1997 when so many of my dearest friends and my boyfriend of three years walked out on me, I think it had more of a traumatic effect on me than what I first realized.

But I can't tell you how reassuring it is to find others my age across the world who also feel the same way! =)

[apollo1129]

I feel like a bit of a recluse too on some days. It's been a while since I've gone to a bar or a club. Most times for me, socializing means dinner and maybe a movie with a friend or "socializing" with people at work over coffee or just hanging out w/the clients, getting to know them better. I can get into a funk though when I start to think about what my life "ought" to look like at 24. I should have dates lined up, have big, exciting events planned for the weekend, should have my own place, live an exciting life, etc. Most recently, I felt bad because I had no real occasion to get dressed up or look forward to something. I can be outgoing or introverted, depending on my mood and the people I'm with. It's not that I don't like to go out and do stuff but that so much of the time, I simply don't want to go unless it's with people I genuinely enjoy being around or we're doing something I consider fun. Can anyone relate? I think I've passed that stage where I hung out with people, even people I didn't necessarily like, to avoid being seen alone. I guess I'm more selective about who I hang around and that doesn't lend itself to going out too often. So I understand what you're going through, Michele1176. I was fairly social throughout high school and college but after that, I find I spend more time on my own. The other day, I thought that maybe I should just be friendlier and push myself to meet people more, like I did in college. But where? Bars & clubs are more for picking up on the opposite sex than making friends.

And I agree with Weirdbrake who says that in these times, we measure ourselves more along the standard of whether we're healthy, normal, or well-adjusted as opposed to whether we're "doing the right thing." Where does this pressure to appear normal and well-adjusted, even to ourselves, come from? But I say, so long as you're growing as a person and doing what feels right to you, whether it's cultivating solo interests or hanging out at a party with a lot of people, good for you.

Sometimes I'm happy being a so-called recluse and at other times, I'm not. And for those times I'm not happy, how does one go about changing it?

[manicmonkie]

I am 22 and I have been a recluse my entire life. I have never had any real friends. I have had one or two so called best friends, but I never even let them see me fully. I have had 2 girlfriends so far (I feel that it's pathetic, but obviously it comes with the territory of being a recluse). The first one was just experimental. The second one I actually opened up to and tried to let her see the real me. When she broke up with me, it made me feel that something is wrong with me, so now i'm back to being a recluse cause i don't see anybody else being interested since i've been left after showing a girl who i really am. I don't go out. I just go to work, school, then sit at home and watch tv and do my homework. It's not fun, but i don't know the way out. I hope you at least can find one person to help you out of your shell and being among more people. Hope this helps.

[TranquilSkye]

well its friday night and i'm staring at my computer. of course i don't have any friends, lol. well i have a few friends from high school, but i don't see them very much any more. they got bf/gfs and make it impossible for me to see them. they know i hate playing 3rd wheel, so instead of seeing me sometimes without their other halves they choose not to see me at all. and although i like meeting new people i haven't done a good job of it since being in college. i'm about to start my 3rd year and i haven't met anyone from school. a bunch of the girls around my age from work get together every now and then, but they all have bfs so i just sit there and listen to them talk about them. i also have a few friends that are older than me, but because i can hardly go anywhere being under 21 they just choose not to see me either. geez its a wonder i haven't become depressed. i just find more solitary things to pass the time. going to the gym, taking extra classes, working more, reading, the internet. heaven forbid i get sick of any of those. i don't know what i'd do.

[missys0102]

I know what all of you are talking about. i have always had an easy time meeting people (went away to college, was in a sorority, moved back home for a year after graduation) and now i live in Dallas and only know people from work. i have a boyfriend so i don't need to go to the bars to pick up on guys--but where can i just meet cool girls/guys to hang out with? i don't have money to take classes or to be out and about all the time. Any suggestions? Dallas just seems like one of those places where everyone already knows everyone and already has their social circle.

[michele1176]

Don't you wish we all lived closer together? We'd all have something to do on the weekends, LOL!

[Juno_NH]

I guess i really feel the same, i just feel like ive lost my confidence, in myself and society, i'll be polite to people but i mostly think negatively of people i dont know, it just seems safer that way, and thats probably why i dont get out much now, and i dont make friends as easily any more. I think this also kinda explains what michele1176 said when saying we should all live together lol, because sub contiously weve kinda lost faith and trust in society, and we dont really want to interact with people we dont know, because more than likey we had experiences that led us to lose our faith and trust in people, but living together would seemingly solve that because we'd all be in the same position together, so we mite be able to trust each other.

My reclusion is kinda weird, it was actually developed in a slightly different way to what it seems u guys had it. I was quite sociable a few months back, going out with mates every week, drinking, indulging in all the best sins, but then i met a girl, and we got together, and ever since then ive been so protective over her, and so afraid of my own weaknesses, that ive been hiding myself away only coming out to see her, at hers or at mine, and occationally seeing my best friend, once a month maybe, ussually in my house. I guess my best mate summed it up really well when he said "Going outside involves s**t, because people are dicks", and i can think of plenty of examples in my experiences.

Its just simple things like walking to the shops and some 15 year old boy giving me an evil look, like challenging me, and i look away, then i feel crap cus i got walked over, i dont wanna feel that way anymore, ive been taught not to hate, and not to be violent, but when im supposed to share the street with these people, it just turns to fear.

All i can say is thank god my girl loves me other wise im pretty sure she would have got scared away by my weirdness by now lol.

But im really, REALLY tired of sitting in my house, pretending everythings ok, i want my confidence back, and my freedom, and im really f**king determind. I just think i gotta take a stand, i cant be afraid, this recluse stuff is bad for me, i can see its changing me. I cant help feeling like im starting to come out of my reclusion now, because im begining to face facts, and i really dont like where i was headed, so im going to fix it. I gotta stop taking this middle ground stuff, never really sure of what im doing, constantly second guessing myself, always saying "like" or "i think" or "i guess" so that i can take it back if its wrong, i need to just decide on something then stick to it.

Kinda the best way to describe how i feel is like,im in this street, outside my house, and the street is packed, and people are just barging past me, knocking me outta the way, and its just really easy to just step back into the house, and stay there, but it takes guts to realise that i cant do that, and i gotta stand my ground, outside my door, and if i get pushed down then so be it, as long as it doesnt kill me i'll get up and try again, and if it does kill me then it was ment to be, that was no way to live, inside your house your just an empty shell, its what u do beyond your borders that makes u who u are.

[RealChic1999]

When I was little, I had tons of friends...but it seemed as if the older I got, the less people wanted to hang out with me.

No matter how much I try, I cannot make friends...I walk the sidewalks each day in solitude, wondering what the hell is wrong with me that I cannot make one simple friend. While my sister has her social circle (still full of people she's known since she was 10!), I struggle to talk to someone for a second. I feel that many of my encounters are negative, for instance:

A couple of days ago, I was walking around downtown (I just came from an interesting audition), and I had seen a girl wearing the most adorable goldenrod yellow scarf. (It looked handknit.) I smiled and told her I liked it, but she barely smiled and her friends broke out in laughter. I sarcastically said "You're welcome" and called her rude. I've had too many instances of that and it has hardened me so much.

Though I've had so many experiences like that and am extremely down on myself, I don't give up. I have to keep trying because I know one day that everything will come together and I will end up in a good place in life. I have found a book club that I would like to check out...so if I can get a copy of the book needed from the library in time, I'm going!

You have to look at it this way...90% is rejection...but it's that other 10%. I urge you all to keep your heads up and keep trying!

Oh, and BTW:

I recently started watching the sitcom "Friends," and I'm really addicted to it. I think it's a wonderful show! I wish I could have friends like that - who doesn't? Does anyone live in a situation like the one in "Friends?"

Stuff like that is why we are so hard on ourselves. We spend too much time basing our lives on what happens on TV. TV is a nice escape, but we need to live in the real world. No one is as perfect as what we see on TV.

[meatwad]

People piss me off. I'm happier on my own 90% of the time.

[freespirit]

Does anyone live in a situation like the one in "Friends?" (i.e.-being across the hall from one another and dating one another...

It's funny you mention that, this past summer I spent 3 months in Denver,CO and became good friends with BOTH of my neighbors, AND dated a guy down the hall (still talk to him too :) ). I think it was just the vibe of the area and apartment complex. I recently moved to the Washington metro area and my experience has been completely different, I have yet to recieve one genuine smile, everyone appers to be middle aged and miserable :googly: Denver Rocks!

[surfinalien]

I can really relate to some of the things you're all talking about here. Like the post of walking down the street and feeling like people are stepping all over you. I think this is one of the reasons why I have developed a pretty bad case of social anxiety and as a result had to quit my job today because I couldn't take the type of work that involves tons of people, which in my case was consulting. And the whole thing about people being dicks, I can relate. I don't know if any of you are familiar with Tucker Max, but he has a huge following because of some of the crazy shit he does, like making fun of anyone who's different from him. While I think the stuff he posts on his site is funny as hell, I also realize that people like him are one of the reasons why I avoid people in general. It's kinda sad and shitty, but I'm working on it. I get down on myself for the STUPIDEST of reasons, I wouldn't even want to explain them bc it's embarrasing. I've come to the conclusion that people are out there only to serve themselves. That really stresses my paranoid personality disorder, hehe but fuck it. I'm only telling the truth. Everyone out there wants to rule the world, and will step over whoever the hell they want to accomplish it. I've noticed that so many guys and girls I know will answer the question "whats your favorite movie" with the answer "Scarface". Why? Because chico, everyone wants "the world, and everything in it". Man I'm fucked up.

[wordsmith]

Um, yeah, we know Tucker Max.

I wouldn't really make the mistake of thinking that his schtick, while selling reasonably well, is indicative of the world at large. He markets himself as a badass for profit.

[BadKitty]

Um, yeah, we know Tucker Max.

I wouldn't really make the mistake of thinking that his schtick, while selling reasonably well, is indicative of the world at large. He markets himself as a badass for profit.


I agree, plus he is not that interesting...

[RealChic1999]

I recently moved to the Washington metro area and my experience has been completely different, I have yet to recieve one genuine smile, everyone appers to be middle aged and miserable

I live in VA, and work in DC...and I agree. In the area I work at, people are snooty as hell. I walk the streets and people are willing to run me over instead of say excuse me. I was even standing (back against the wall) waiting for a bus, but people were still running into me regardless...and there was room for them to not walk so close to me! I ended up standing at a tilt---with my feet extended out, so people would have to walk further from me to keep from tripping over my feet! It sucks that it had to reach that level...society shouldn't have to be like that, and I shouldn't have to do that to keep people from walking into me. I just think DC is an unfriendly city...Santa Fe was such a breath of fresh air to me (even though snooty tourists are ubiquitous). I think I will probably move to NM, and have better luck socially there.

[RealChic1999]

I live in NM - don't recommend it. To me, it seems like a third world country. Santa Fe is kind of cool to visit.

Conserving water in the desert area would be something I'd have to get used to...but I just want out of these urban environments. Someone got killed near my house yesterday...I'm tired of dealing with belligerent youth, yadda yadda. I didn't deal with that mess in Santa Fe, and I feel it would be the right permanent escape for me.

[freespirit]

I live in VA, and work in DC...and I agree. In the area I work at, people are snooty as hell. I walk the streets and people are willing to run me over instead of say excuse me.

I'm not feeling the love either girl.

I ended up standing at a tilt---with my feet extended out, so people would have to walk further from me to keep from tripping over my feet!

That's ridiculous.

I do love the museums though :)

[RealChic1999]

I love the Smithsonian museums...such an escape from the hustle-and-bustle going on outside.

Dating in the DC metro area is not even an option...every other group of people that walks by me is a couple...three couples per minute. And they're usually those ubiquitous Abercrombie & Fitch/Express types---the guy is wearing a sweatshirt hoodie and visor with a puffy vest; the girls wear tailored tweed coats, flared jeans, and stiletto heels.

Funny...regardless of how diverse this area is, everything and everyone is exactly the same. :D

[lostinjersey]

Lately i've been having a lot of luck just going out, getting drunk, and approaching everyone i see... ive been getting numbers from girls and guys, and i call them to hang out. it was real weird at first, cus i wasnt used to doing it, but you just gotta start striking up conversations with people and friends will come. i made a friend playing basketball one day at an outdoor court, we just started shootin the shit and now we hang out. at first, i had an awful time too, but you just gotta start goin out, tellin people you're lookin to do stuff, cus most people our age are in the same situation!!!

my line is usually "hi friend, can i buy a drink?" and then i start talking about the game on tv, or the best thing to do is ask them about themselves. people LOVE to talk about themselves.

[lostinjersey]

Does anyone else feel like a recluse? I never go out anymore. I used to go nightclubbing and play drinking games a few years back, but now I have no one. I am no longer in contact with anyone from high school or college. It gets pretty lonely.

I envy people my age who still have friends from earlier years and who still go out and have a great time. How does one go about making new friends? And is it still possible to make new friends at this age? Forget about dating - I can't get myself a man, so I've stopped trying in that department, but I really would love to have close friends. I recently started watching the sitcom "Friends," and I'm really addicted to it. I think it's a wonderful show! I wish I could have friends like that - who doesn't? Does anyone live in a situation like the one in "Friends?" (i.e. - being across the hall from one another and dating one another and breaking up but still remaining great friends?)

Also I'm from the allentown area... its hard makin friends in bethlehem people can be a little bit snooty. try allentown... there's a bar called krock's pub off of hamilton blvd (rt 222)... theres some cool people there. theres a lot of cool bars on tilghman st. in allentown, try volpes for a sports bar, or stooges. thats near muhlenberg college. when i go to bethlehem i go to that steel brewery place, the drinks there are great but its tough to socialize there for some reason. its like a posh manhattan wannabe bar.

[old_school_soul]

You give what you get.. DC is a transient town, I'm a rarity (for a transplant), I've been here 12 years. The people you are interacting with who are not friendly are generally not representative of DC, they are from somewhere else, doing their stint in DC for 3 years.. They come here frightened because society has scared people into thinking that cities are dangerous cesspools.

People from the area who have been here for a while have always been pleasant to me. That includes the very rich or the very poor. There are always assholes wherever you go and in every socio-economic class.

Unfortunately, if you keep thinking negatively about where you live, you will eventually turn into one of those people that you despise.

[pisces2473]

Someone got killed near my house yesterday...I'm tired of dealing with belligerent youth, yadda yadda. I didn't deal with that mess in Santa Fe, and I feel it would be the right permanent escape for me.
You didn't deal with it b/c you were on vacation. Crime, snotty youth, etc is EVERYWHERE. It's a part of life. You can only escape things for so long.

[wordsmith]

I agree, plus he is not that interesting...

High five.

[freespirit]

You give what you get..
Unfortunately, if you keep thinking negatively about where you live, you will eventually turn into one of those people that you despise.
I agree. Thoughts become things. I just moved here, I know things will fall in place for me in good time :)

[Q21]

I've come to the conclusion that people are out there only to serve themselves. That really stresses my paranoid personality disorder, hehe but fuck it. I'm only telling the truth. Everyone out there wants to rule the world, and will step over whoever the hell they want to accomplish it. I've noticed that so many guys and girls I know will answer the question "whats your favorite movie" with the answer "Scarface". Why? Because chico, everyone wants "the world, and everything in it". Man I'm fucked up.


Not everyone. Many people, yes, but not everyone. Noone shows thier true colos when you first meet them. Many people live blindly day to day- so they are not even really aware of thier prejudices and philosophies on life and such.

[Q21]

I am 22 and I have been a recluse my entire life. I have never had any real friends. I have had one or two so called best friends, but I never even let them see me fully. I have had 2 girlfriends so far (I feel that it's pathetic, but obviously it comes with the territory of being a recluse). The first one was just experimental. The second one I actually opened up to and tried to let her see the real me. When she broke up with me, it made me feel that something is wrong with me, so now i'm back to being a recluse cause i don't see anybody else being interested since i've been left after showing a girl who i really am. I don't go out. I just go to work, school, then sit at home and watch tv and do my homework. It's not fun, but i don't know the way out. I hope you at least can find one person to help you out of your shell and being among more people. Hope this helps.

I can relate. I want to make friends now, but I'm in such a position that I will be moving in 9 months that anyone I get close to I will wind up leaving and going to the new place. I want to start making friends in my new hometown (through the net and meet up every month or so as it is in the same state) , but I haven't fully decided what university I'm going to and got everything worked out yet- so I don't want to make friends with people I might not ever even meet. Then I have to do all the work to get to college and get my life straight, so I know what I'm doing. Plus, I have been a recluse for 2 1/2 years now (part of it by my own choosing, the other part because my life got so chaotic I had to get things under control and have some time where I just figured things out - and because I didn't have friends from before that it would take too long to make friend when I had pressing matters) it's a bit hard to just get out there and make friends. But sometimes I just want to go out to a coffee shop and chat with someone more then just intellectual matters , but about myself and that person. It's sort of a catch-22. I want friends because I'm lonely and it is probably slowing me down, but because of the above I really can't just yet.

I'm hoping to get my stuff togehter this month so I won't have to be so scattered.

Aye. Didn't mean to go on a rant there.

[Q21]

I feel like a bit of a recluse too on some days. It's been a while since I've gone to a bar or a club. Most times for me, socializing means dinner and maybe a movie with a friend or "socializing" with people at work over coffee or just hanging out w/the clients, getting to know them better. I can get into a funk though when I start to think about what my life "ought" to look like at 24. I should have dates lined up, have big, exciting events planned for the weekend, should have my own place, live an exciting life, etc. Most recently, I felt bad because I had no real occasion to get dressed up or look forward to something. I can be outgoing or introverted, depending on my mood and the people I'm with. It's not that I don't like to go out and do stuff but that so much of the time, I simply don't want to go unless it's with people I genuinely enjoy being around or we're doing something I consider fun. Can anyone relate? I think I've passed that stage where I hung out with people, even people I didn't necessarily like, to avoid being seen alone. I guess I'm more selective about who I hang around and that doesn't lend itself to going out too often. So I understand what you're going through, Michele1176. I was fairly social throughout high school and college but after that, I find I spend more time on my own. The other day, I thought that maybe I should just be friendlier and push myself to meet people more, like I did in college. But where? Bars & clubs are more for picking up on the opposite sex than making friends.

And I agree with Weirdbrake who says that in these times, we measure ourselves more along the standard of whether we're healthy, normal, or well-adjusted as opposed to whether we're "doing the right thing." Where does this pressure to appear normal and well-adjusted, even to ourselves, come from? But I say, so long as you're growing as a person and doing what feels right to you, whether it's cultivating solo interests or hanging out at a party with a lot of people, good for you.

Sometimes I'm happy being a so-called recluse and at other times, I'm not. And for those times I'm not happy, how does one go about changing it?


Try meeting people online from Friendster or Myspace. It might seem lame, but it's one of the best ways to quickly scan people to see if they are interesting to talk to and maybe han out with. I don't think it's too uncommon for peope our age to do that, figuring the number of times people move around and how hard it is to meet peopel after college, like you said.