"Don't worry it'll happen"

[Maximus]

I recall the scene from "The Matrix" when Morphius offers Neo the two pills.......Morphius asks Neo "Do you believe in fate?", to which Neo replies "No, because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life". Neo then selects the red pill and decides to find out what he'd been missing. Which brings me to my point -

If I have to hear "Dont' worry it'll happen", "God has a plan for you" (not to get into a religious debate), or "There's someone out there for you" one more time I think I'm going to SCREAM!!! My theory is most of the people who say these things already have someone (and have for quite some time) and have no idea what it's like to be single in your 20's.

To what degree should a single person trust fate and "wait" for that special someone vs. going out there and forcing the issue?

At this point, personally, I'm torn between the two. I can't express how frustrating this issue has been for me within the past 4 years. I guess to some extent I've always had in the back of my mind that I'd fine that special person, but now that I'm 27 and still single, that fairy tale seems to be a just that. On the other hand I've experienced "dating-scene" had my fair share of successes and rejections, but overall it just seemed like I was having to work too hard with no significant "rewards".

I'd really appreciate some advise or any comments on this issue.

[sunbear]

Oh cool! A debate- sort of philisophical question.:D

I believe that- even on a religious note that we have the universal power to make choices in our lives. Some choices are easier and much more obvious than others. I even heard a rumor, and please someone correct me if I'm wrong- that old Hebrew scriptures of the 10 commandments say that "you may choose to...".
Fate affects our outcomes- and also influences our choices. But anyways- I don't believe in "soulmates". I believe in loving someone and growing to love someone. The love I've experienced from friendship alone I've found more magical than I've ever felt from infatuation, and that's what I have to have from a significant other. Its worth the wait I think- it is a little tricky meeting people- I try to take every social opportunity to get out if I can. By the way, please take control (women love that) but NEVER force the issue. (sorry, I have a pesty coworker who is forcing the issue and I want to punch him out right now)
Anyways- just a POV from a single 27 year old woman. :)

[M4A1]

LMAO! WeirdBrake! I was expecting some sort of a lecture-- looking at how you started your post. But man, you surprised me.

Anyway, I know what you are saying, Weirdbrake. It’s always like this: You can be the most intelligent person or be the one that come up with the best ideas, but when it comes to scoring, unless you can do that little magic dance-- or whatever it takes too woo the other person-- during that moment when you first meet. You aren’t gonna go no where.

It all depends on what path you want to take. I knew someone that actually keeps track of his “scores.” He actually showed me his chalkboard at his b-day party. The dude never had any steady relationships, but I don’t think he cares for it either. He doesn’t think much into anything, and he won’t ever be “philosophical.” Blue pill Red pill doesn’t make a difference as long as he gets to keep his bimmer and his Gold’s Gym membership ...

Again, it all depends on what path you want to take. The path of having a lovable relationship is different than the path of "scoring." You make your own destiny. You'll become what you think.

[crazy-girl]

Hmm. Even though I hated philosophy (no right answers!) I'm sort of bored at work so I'll mull this over in my head.

I don't believe that there really ARE reasons for everything. I think that if there was a possibility for us to go back and rethink a choice like college----we'd have good times and bad times and eventually say "see, there's a reason for everything".

I think as humans we NEED a reason or a higher power or an ultimate goal. We need to believe that we're better than ants or spiders and that our movements are a part of the greater good. Are they? Who knows. IMO, probably not. But I also know that I've used that crutch before in my life. I worked at an extremely bad job---horrible---ulcer inducing misery of a job. After working there for three years I left. With a blight on my resume, no friendships gained and new stomach problems. I also met my boyfriend there though. I sometimes say that "everything has a reason and I had endure that hell so I could meet my boyfriend" becuase I really just am not strong enough to believe that I had to endure that mentally crippling hell for three years for nothing.

Anyway, we learn lessons with every choice we make. But in order to feel like there is a purpose--I think we assign fate in order to give reason to the insanity of day to day life.

OK, my head hurts now.

[TranquilSkye]

hmmm. interesting subject you bring up. personally i don't believe that there is a special someone for everyone. if there was how can you explain all the adults that die alone? or the adults that die without ever experiencing love or sexual intimacy? or what about those that end up in prison for life or a mental institution (i'm assuming that they weren't married at the time of admittance)? i'm not saying there are a lot of people in this category, but i think there's enough to question whether that "special someone" exists. to me it seems that people are lucky to find someone that they are compatible with and can spend the rest of their lives with. and going on the list of things you hate that people say, i really hate when people say: "love (or relationships) come when you're least expecting it"

[CAT11]

This is great, and I think it is something we have all struggled with or pondered over.

I think everything happens for a reason. But I have had some pretty terrible things happen in my life. I wonder if I think that way to rationalize the painful emotions. For example...

My mother died when I was 8. Pretty rough. Made me tough, sort of hard in some ways. But did she die so that I could become a stronger person? So that when my father had a mental break down when I was in high school and was physically and emotionally abusive, I had the inner strength to move out when I was a junior? Live on my own, make it through school, and turn my life around? Who knows. But it is how I rationalize the experience as not being all bad. To give her death some meaning. To give my own life and choices meaning. That is just an example.

I believe in karma/energy/the Holy Spirit, whatever you want to call it. So to relate that to the dating scence, if you are sending out desperate energy, people sense that about you. Lessens your self confidence, which in turn lessens your desireability. I have heard of a bunch of people who have said when they stopped trying, it happened. They met someone. Or they weren't even looking in the first place. Or is that because you are so self absorbed, in a good, healthy way, that you know what you want, are happy with your self, and exude confidence? I think confidence and happiness are key there.

Just some thoughts.

[Maximus]

Wow!! Guess that was a fairly popular topic! I won't make this long, I just wanted to thank eveyone for their comments and add a few more of my own. By the way, did we ever come to a consensus on this? Sounds like it could still go both ways.

Here are my closing arguments: So, for the people who are leaning towards fate, what if you're destined to be single for the rest of your life? How do you deal with that? Sucks, but I know I feel like that sometimes. On the flipside, if you decide to "take control" of your future, how many rejections can you "brush-off" before your emotional psyche reaches the point that you need to be institutionalized?

Thanks again

[crazy-girl]

Maximus,

Interesting point about the destined to be single thing. I don't think anyone is really destined to be alone---completely alone in life. But I also think that it's pretty clear to say that not everyone is going to be able to meet someone and fall in love. But that doesn't mean that you have to spend life alone. That Iyanla woman (friend of Oprah, had her own show) always brought up a good point to women in her audience that would say something like "I want to share my life with someone!" and she'd say "why does that someone have to be a man?" In other words, maybe you'll have a kid or adopt a kid or take care of a parent or friend. My aunt is in her 60s and single and spent her life taking care of her aging mother. Yeah, she might wish that it had been different and that she'd had the kids and husband and mini-van but she has a close friend that she travels with every year and she's shared her life with her mother and the rest of the family.

Just something to think about. Romantic love & marriage isn't the only possiblity and secret for happiness. Look at that show Gilmore Girls----mother seems perfectly happy just having a daughter. I know it's a tv show but you know what I mean . . .

[TranquilSkye]

crazy girl, you make an excellent point about your aunt having a close companion. to me that's the true meaning of soulmates. there's no hang ups or drama or anything like that. and gilmore girls is an excellent example as well.

[TranquilSkye]

well some people do want hang ups and drama. now personally, i don't want this kind of thing. all i get are headaches, sleep deprivation, and mood swings lol. so as much as i would like to find that special someone to spend time with, i'd rather not have all the garbage that goes with it. i'd rather just do things i enjoy like spend time with friends and other hobbies.

[Maximus]

I have to agree with Tranquilskye on that one - I can certainly do without any extra drama in my life (sorry Weirdbrake). Society these days is confusing enough......by the way anybody like Moby? I just got back from his concert tonight - excellent show!!

Anyhow, I see what Crazygirl is getting at and, yes, I think other types of relationships in your life are equally important. Many times they're really all you need. But I wasn't really referencing the possibility of being completely alone - I was refering more to the female companion in my case.....I do have a few really close male freinds but I think they might get offended if I asked them to go dancing, share their ice cream with me, or have a "sleep-over". You're right, passion & romance aren't the only ways to find happiness, but I tell you what, it sure feels like a big void in my life right now. I just think there's no substitution for some things.......just my opinion;)

[TranquilSkye]

yes maximus you can't substitute male companionship for female companionship. because of this and peoples' need to have both i think this is why the "friends with benefits" relationships have become so popular. you get most of the things you need in this type of relationship. sure it's not perfect, but it seems to be working for a lot of people.

[Maximus]

Well, I sincerely hope that theory works for you. I guess this is just a "to each their own" situation.......by the way, no offense, but those Gilmore Girls are just plain annoying to me (Really, I tried to watch it but I kept getting migranes). I guess it's the same thing as women trying to watch a "monster-truck" showdown or fishing tournament (Ok I may have stepped over the line with that one......but I think you get the point). I'm more of a "Charmed" & "Smallville" fan myself. I'll shut up now:rolleyes: