sticky situation-workplace crushes- advice anyone?

[Unregistered]

Hi-
Since we're on the topic of dating- I ran into an issue at work today that's been bugging me and I'm at the verge of making a scene. I work in a place full of guys, I've been trying to get out for several reasons but haven't managed to do so. And being a girl in that scenario it is way too easy to get attention, sometimes its the kind you don't want. I'm currently dating a guy I work with and i think we handled it really well- as far as the work thing goes I've only benefitted from it(he's also been good overall to me in my personal life). We're anything but perfect- but he is someone I've come to adore-we've been dating for 6 months. We get jealous of eachother sometimes, sometimes we disagree about work, we don't have everything in common- but it has never been anything seriously wrong enough for me to leave.
Anyways, most of the guys I do work with are fine with being respectful around women- and of course there some who don't know when to stop. I almost had a guy busted for sexual harassment, he made a comment to me (probably unintentionally) but it was bad enough for the supervisor to have a talk with him. I don't know what was said but the particular individual has been really nasty mean to me since. My supervisors think I create trouble for other things and I don't feel comfortable going to them for help- and usually the topics of conversation are on male centric hobbies, etc.
Now I'm having another issue- my cubicle is assigned next to the nicest politest guy- shy but because he was nice- I didn't mind talking to him at work. He is someone I am NOT attracted to- I'm not going to bother saying why, but I am not interested in him and I think that should stand. After 8-9 months, he started revealing that he has a crush on me. I know he dated his ex-girlfriend for about 2 weeks and wouldn't even talk about her. (?) He's been telling me about his crush and doesn't like the fact that I'm going out with this other guy. Big deal- my relationship, my problem. I told him( and hinted) more than once that I was not interested. I also told him that if I was single I wouldn't date him. The added pressure and the fact he KEEPS talking about it annoys me to no end. He never gave a jack about if I want to hear him, it seems to be always about his crush- not about me. If that constitutes the real reason I won't give him a chance.
I asked him to stop talking about it, and he just walks away like his whole life is ruined- the guy is 32 by the way and lives at home, has little ambition(I like to strive), someone who's additude I can't comprehend- I would go nuts if I was around this one 24-7. And I hate being this mean but we're not meant for eachother.
I don't know about the self esteem issues- I've told him to stop asking me, and he keeps doing it and seems to enjoy it. Its getting harder to focus on my demanding job when he adds the added aggrivation.
I've been told that I'm nice to him and that's a reason why he does it. I've talked to him so many times about backing off and given him all of these hints to bug off- I've been straight out mean once or twice. He even knows my weekly schedules better than I do!
Then this morning, he came in apologizing for "bothering" me and gave me a long love letter- It was sweet but still I hated it. He even wrote that he was upset about me going out with this other guy... He also wanted my email address so he could email this letter to me outside of work and I lied and said mine doesn't exist. I'm not about spend my time deleting my files from this nightmare.
Should I even tell my bf about this? Because my bf knows about this and know how it bugs me, and manages not to come off as angry or jealous (which I appreciate) but I'm the one who's going to kill this guy- figuratively.
I feel as if I'm cramped in a corner, like he has me trapped and he can play these stupid games with me- I hate the idea of busting someone else in fear of being called classified a "whiner". He said this was private- I'm creeped out.
Help!
What do I do?
Sorry- I know this is a long one

[dairyqueen]

If you value your job you need to quickly find a way to put an end to it. This situation is getting really sticky, not just because your bf works with you but for a lot of professional reasons.

I suggest you keep it in private (this will respect his thoughts) and talk with him about it. I understand you have before but this time you need to take it a bit more serious. I think it's a two step process. Sit down with him and really explain your not interested and he needs to leave you alone about the crush. With this conversation, tell him all the harrasment rules he's breaking and if he persists you will take it to a higher level. Ensure he understands he can loose his job if he does not stop.

the next level is you call in your supervisor and the crush guy and all three of you sit down and discuss what's happening. The supervisor is now required to take action. If he doesn't there are a lot of sexual harrasment people who would love to get their hands on that.

The reason this is important is....if this guy has been told to stop and still confesses his love in letters. This is also the type of guy that would fit the profile of a stalker or worse. For your safety and for your job you need to end this and fast.

DQ

[Phoenix]

I agree w/ Dairyqueen...only thing I would add is if you decide to have a "talk" w/ him to have others around just in case. Safety reasons, as she pointed out, but also witnesses... My point of view on this is this - I think that you should just go to your supervisor at this point. This guy doesn't understand the word No and it's already sounding pretty serious in nature. You don't want him to freak out on you.

It's already gotten to the point where it's harrassing in nature. You can only tell a person NO so many times and if they're still bothering you then it's stalking/harrassing behavior. What bothers me is his "tell no one" attitude w/ saying it was private. My thought there is that he's possibly getting satisfaction out of the fact that it bothers you. And being egged on to do it more b/c of that.

Also, it's NOT private - it's affecting your ability to concentrate on your work and having to take time out of your day to say to this guy 'I'm not interested - please STOP.' Not to mention distracting you by wondering if he's going to be over your shoulder in a minute pestering you again. That's sexual harrassment and your company probably has policies against it (If they don't - which is probably rare - there is a local agency you can contact for things of this nature...the phone book should have the number of who you can call). Keep documentation on ALL this stuff...the letter he sent you...when he's been coming to you and bothering you (dates, times, places, witnesses)...etc. so you have it on record when you speak to a supervisor. Try to remember back as far as you can to how long this is been going on and how many times a week/day/etc. he's been pestering you if you can't remember specifics. And what he's been saying to you as well...quote him directly if you can. This backs you up and backs up your concerns.

Whether you tell your boyfriend about it is up to you...if he's been a witness to it, then he most likely already knows... and it sounds as if others in the office already know too. It's a tricky thing since he's in both your personal and professional life...so that's a call that you will have to make and decide if you are comfortable with how you think he'll react (supportive, angry, jealous, or perhaps all of those) and how it will negatively add to or help your situation.

Good luck - and be cautious when dealing with this guy!

[sunbear]

Hi,
I was the unregistered, for some reason I logged in and it didn't take. Dairyqueen and Phoenix, thank you for your advice! The letter is going to remain confidential- my coworkers and my bf is aware of his behavior.
I've decided to go to a manager tommorrow and see if I could possibly sit elsewhere, and give him my reasons. The distance will definately help, as for his feelings- he's already shown me those. He gets angry and jealous of my bf- he looks as if he's going to pitiful when I ignore him, and I think he enjoys it when I get upset with him until I put my foot down- then it's the same thing over again. Wow- I'll just have to see what happens tommorrow. :confused:

[sunbear]

Hi everyone!
I made the move today and spoke with my manager after work- we made it a confidential matter.
His big question- and he was a little pushy about it was "What do you want to happen?" I told him that I wanted it to stop and for us to be separated. He told me that this was a very common thing to happen in our workplace, esp. since there was so many young adults working there. He also said that he is taking this matter up to human resources (he didn't mention why exactly though) and I let him have the letter. It felt kind of good to get rid of that letter though. Human resources is supposed to get in touch with me tommorrow. :o I don't think the guy is going to be fired- I don't care what happens to him however he needs to leave me alone and be removed from the girls (if that was a plausible solution).
Last night I told my bf that I was going to try to move cubicles. I didn't have to say why- he just said the guys name and I ended up telling him about the letter- He reminded me that my own privacy was invaded by the guy doing this-
Oh my god he had a hayday, he had me rolling in laughter- it was a really good way to get it off my chest.
We'll see what happens tommorrow-

[sunbear]

Hi-
Thank you for all of the advise and words of wisdom.
This is how everything was resolved as of now-
I ended up talking to human resources yesterday and wanting to leave in the worst possible way. After something like that- sometimes I either feel as if everyone hated me for some reason or I just want to be alone. Maybe both- maybe its all in my head. Anyways, I went through a Q&A about the whole scenario while the someone took notes. The guy asking me all of the questions said this was common and that even if I was trying to be nice/"sending the wrong signals"- I wasn't my fault and this guy had to take full responsiblity for his actions. This guy doesn't know how to handle or accept rejection- maybe socially inept...
and definately didn't know when to stop (and I still think he didn't care)
I found out that this guy went to my manager before work the morning after I reported this, and he fessed up to doing this on his own. In part because he was concerned about his employment. He didn't know then that Human Resources had the note at this time.
Human resources spoke to him in private today. My manager told me that we were going to be separated. He otherwise acts on good behavior and they were not going to reprimand him- just as long as the behavior stops. As long as the behavior stops, I'm sure I'll be ok.
If anyone has any further insight or advice- I'd still appreciate it.
Thank you for all of the support.

Sunbear :cool:

[Phoenix]

About the HR experience, I'm sure it can be nerveracking to have someone taking notes on what you're saying when you're trying to talk about a difficult situation.

I'm glad to hear you're going to be separated. That is one step in the right direction.

My only other piece of advice would be to still take precautions. Don't walk by yourself, try to have others around, etc. Not to say that he'll take revenge or get upset with you but you don't want to leave yourself open to anything. I'm sure in the next few weeks or months you'll get a good idea as to how he's handled the move and HR discussion and you'll be able to breathe a little more easy w/o worrying about the situation.

I'm glad to hear that things are starting to move in a better direction though. Good for you for having the courage to speak up and handle this! Not everyone has the guts to speak up for their rights and try to make their situation better. Kudos to you!