how do you meet people?

[mollyo]

i graduated last year, working as a software engineer, and now i find myself with no friends at all. how are you supposed to meet people that you can connect with? i've joined all kinds of activities, have acquaintances at work, but i haven't found anyone that i would like to spend time with outside of the organization, or that has time to do so. everyone already has friends. i need to meet some people who are going through the same confusion and loneliness as me! any suggestions?

[Anna]

I really wish I knew. I am in the same position. I graduated last May, I'm in a consulting firm with 3 other people- all over 30. I don't have time or money to "join a club", and I don't want the pressure that comes in religious discussion groups. I don't have any friends besides my boyfriend (who's still in school) and my lack of social life is hurting our relationship. ARGH! And I just sound like I'm whining. Sorry.

[TosaGirl]

I have become friends with some co-workers, but there are then some of them who just drive me bonkers. I can't say how to make friends, as I am in the same boat (see me over there?) when it comes to meeting others. I try to get to know everyone, but like you said who has the money to join all those groups? I go back and forth with this, but as of now I have just decided this must be the ultimate plan for me, teach me how to live on my own with few friends to rely on. Its also teaching me how valuable my family is to me. This is all stuff to think about, not saying that you just need to stop trying, but sometimes you just need to get use to life the way it is before you can go making changes to it.

[LMY]

[Anonymous]

Hoq can you say you can't afford to volunteer? They don't charge for it. As far as needing to take ab us or bum a ride...why not see if there is some volunteering you can do wlking distance, of a short bus ride. Most people who claim they can't afford to volunteer are working and needing the money. You say your work is sporadic....

The biggest thing I found about meeting people is this....I had to make the effort. I had to exchange phone numbers and make the first call. It is tough, I hate feeling like I might impose on someone's life...but you have to decide what is important.

[LMY]

I knew I shouldn't have posted my feelings on this. It's hard to get across in type what I feel in person, ok?!

[Anna]

Well, it kinda just hit me last night. Why don't we try to start groups in our own areas? Make up fliers, post them places like coffee shops, pick a safe, populated location to meet, and have people come when they feel like it. Does that sound like a good idea? I don't think it would take that much effort to start it. And then, people could (if they wanted) plan activities like volunteer days or trips to clubs. I think I'm going to need someone to tell me it's a good idea before I take that giant leap for all twentysomethings. Any ideas?

[b_warriner]

Happy hour. That's all you need to meet people.

[LMY]

On 2001-07-24 10:22, Anna wrote:
Well, it kinda just hit me last night. Why don't we try to start groups in our own areas?


I think that sounds like a fab idea. I'd be into it, but I'm too far away.

[gabi]

yep, after college it is impossible to meet people. additionally, i would recommend a book club of some form..keeping your brain in tact and learning new ideas and topics. could be a good suggestion.

[Anna]

Thanks for the encouragement. Anyone else wanna try this experiment with me? Starting our own support groups in our areas? Let me know. I'm still a little scared to do something like this.

[RenChick]

I'm going through a similar thing right now. I'm 23, graduated from college in 99. In the same year, I met the guy who I thought was "the one". I moved 2 states away to be closer to him (and for a job). I wound up living with him for 1 year. We just broke up a little over a month ago ~ I obviously moved out. It's always been hard for me to meet people... I'm very shy and very self-concious, and not too attractive so not many people want to talk to me. /phpBB/images/smiles/icon_frown.gif All my friends are back where I grew up. I've made a few friends while working here, but only one that I hang out with on a regular basis. Anyway, my point is that I'm in almost the same boat as you and am here to talk to, if u need a friend.

BTW~ this was my first post on these boards. I haven't read the book, but my friend told me about it and said that it's definitely one I should pick up. I look forward to reading it in the near future.

[Anonymous]

[LMY]

[emerald]

I know how you feel. I am 25 and graduated in 99. I really dont have alot of friends. I have joined organizations and actually reconnected with old friends. I do go out on weekends, but I have to travel far. I have also met people over the internet. Some of them are cool. I am having trouble meeting quality men. Are there any out there. Is there a support group near Pa or NJ for us. Any one want to chat back or talk, feel free.

[Anonymous]

I am from NJ and live in NY now and feel the exact same way. I work with a lot of young people but don't always feel like I fit in with them. I guess I have to put more of an effort in to arranging social things but I have this fear of rejection (from anyone). It seems like all of my friends from home have someone and I just can't seem to find new friends and don't even know where to start looking.

[Broadway93]

For some strange reason I can't view page two of this discussion so I am responding based on page one only! <br><p>

YES! I want to start up some sort of club here in NYC. I have been discussing it with my friend from Baltimore (who says she is going to move here but still can't afford it...) and we were going to start up a Quarter Life Crisis Club (QLCC). We figured we hold it in different places around the city each week and use that time to discuss life, work, relationships. We could help each other network, re-do resumes, write cover letters. And who knows, if it gets big enough we can start to bring in guest speakers and maybe get someone to donate a venue for an hour a week. <p>

I am ALL for this and will even make up the fliers and post them around. The only way to get things done is to take the initiative and I will be that person.<p>

If anyone else in interested e-mail me at
Broadway93@aol.com
and put "Quarter Life Crisis" in the subject line so I don't delete it!<p>

Come on people, I know you're out there, where are you???<p>

Andrea

[mollyo]

i posted this topic originally, and since then what little social interaction i had has totally disappeared, within 1 week.
1. my sister moved to another state
2. my roommates - a couple who i let stay with me for about a week - went ballistic, called me nasty names, and left
3. a new friend i made used the opportunity of hanging out at my house to unlock the back door and return to steal a bunch of shit when i was gone
4. my boyfriend of 2 yrs who had planned to spend the rest of his life with me dumped me out of nowhere
all of this in 1 week, no kidding! needless to say i was shell-shocked for a couple days...but now that i really have nobody in the world, i actually feel better than before! i was hanging on so tightly to the few people i did have, so afraid of being alone, that i was miserable....and now i find that being on my own isn't so bad. i don't want to stay like this forever, but it is so important to know that i *can* be happy doing my own thing, to really know that i don't need anyone. it's a much better feeling than focusing on needing more friends and people...i guess it's just changed my attitude and the way i think about being alone, which makes all the difference in the world - i just move through my life doing my own thing, staying open to connecting with people, but not needing it so badly because i know i can survive, even be happy without it. independence is a wonderful thing!

[supreme]

What a great outlook!! You must be a very strong person to have gone through all that in such a short period of time and still have a positive outlook on life!!!

I really admire that. I had something similar happen to me not too long ago and I didn't do quite as well. But I am begining to start over, I'm happy to say.

Good luck and Best wishes!!

Always supreme /phpBB/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[bozeman314]

I empathize with what has been voiced. I moved back to my current city last year. I went to grad school here then moved back a year later for a job. The friends I had here before I'm not really friends with any more. I guess we were friends by proximity previously.

Now I have been back a year and still have no friends nor any quality avenues to meet any. How is this possible, I ask myself? For starters, I work at a University so I am surrounded by undergraduates who I cannot really be frends with becuase of my role at the university. I live on campus and am pager equipped 24/7 in case of emergencies. Second, I dated this woman last year for 2 months, but she suddenly dumped me and all our mutual friends went with her because of the circumstances more than choosing her over me. Thirdly, my coworkers were friends, but those relationships have not grown in a year- they just are not fulfilling. So, I am left trying to do fun things in a city with lots of life, but no one to do stuff with on a regular basis.

I have been alone for the better part of my twenties...only dated 2 women. Being alone has never bothered me because I'm independent and for the most part it's fine. However, I would just like to go out and enjoy life with some company and hopefully start meeting people because I would like to be involved in some kind of substantive relationship before I hit 30.

Now, I am left with people telling me three things which drive me crazy and perhaps are familiar to you- 1)It will happen in God's good time, 2)It will just happen when you're not looking, and 3) You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone in a relationship.

Now, here are the three reasons why this drives me nuts 1)God's good time could be a millenia for all we know (and most people who say this believe there is one person for one person, which I don't necessarily believe), 2)When you don't have any consistent avenues to meet people, it's less likely they are just going to fall on you in the frozen food section as you pull out your dinner for one, and lastly 3) I am completely comfortable with myself...I have been since I was 17- it's just the simple fact that when you read a book, watch a movie, or go to dinner, it would be nice to talk to someone. Of course, it's quite interesting that the people who always tell me this response are the ones who have been attached at the hip to a guy or girl their entire adult life and have never been alone let alone had a thought without including someone else in it.

I guess I am just one of those nice guys that would like to make some friends that can talk about things of substance and just don't know how to go about finding them. I don't believe the bar scene is the answer.

[jenc0629]

I liked your message and it does ring very true. I agree with you completely. I think a lot of people who get involved early or stay involed / married at an early age are not necessarily happy. I think many many people are afraid to be alone and sometimes settle because of that factor.

I have people tell me the 3 things you said all the time. And again, I am happy with myself and completely fine being independent and living on my own. I have done that as well since I was 18. That is not my problem. I don't want to meet people in bars either because trust me I have met enough losers there. It is difficult to find a significant other if you aren't in the right avenues. I mean, you are right, they aren't going to just fall in your lap. Most times they won't even look interesting to you or appeal if you haven't gotten to know them and how can you get to know someone as you said in a frozen food aisle or whatever.

I wish I had the answers for ya but I at least understand where you are coming from!

[mollyo]

yes, it seems to me that the hard part isn't being independent, or being happy on your own....what's hard, for me anyway, is to find people you can relate to and connect with. it's so difficult to find someone you have things in common with, and who understands you, to form a decent friendship. i think it's more difficult now than it was in school because people's experiences and interests differ so vastly in this larger context of the adult population.

and it's so hard to try and reach out to people you don't know, to get to know them...it always seemed so natural to me to make close friends, but now i can't find anyone i would even really care to get to know better...and if i did, i would hate to rely on that one person for friendship and someone to hang out with! sometimes it does make me feel badly that i don't have one close friend who has stayed in my life...i think people who have that really take it for granted!

[dee203poet]

hmmm...i wish i could have this poof of an answer. i work full-time and am in grad school part-time. i live with roommates in a city 2 hours from my family. i'd love to say that i have such a fun group of fabulous friends that i've acquired, but i don't. i am very independent and i do most things myself...yes, i even go to the movies alone sometimes (who cares, you're not supposed to talk during anyway!). its hard...i haven't met people that are close friends here, or that i would just call up to hang out anytime. and it know its not me...i have a very excellent sense of humor, always like to have, am adventurous, etc etc. I don't know, i think about joining some sort of group here and there...but i haven't the time. I've tried doing some volunteer activities...but that only led to some guy trying to follow me to the subway to ask me out. my advice: stick it out and be strong til you meet people that are really friends. do things to try and let that happen, but don't be upset if it doesn't. meanwhile, focus on you...take an adult ed class...those can be fun...i did one in indian cooking...yum.

[jjfaeries]

I don't know exactly how to post a message but i'll try:) I have a very hard time meeting new people. I work with mostly college students (my age but i graduated 2 years ago)and I don't like to party and go to the bars. I made friends with two girls at work but they are so immature it is mentally draining to be around them. They went as far as planniing to and wearing the same outfit to work one day. they'd get mad if I didn't want to hang out every night or if I had an idea or though different than theirs. I am finally able to distance myself from them by working in another area but I'm still at loss to meet other people. I recently went through a breakup that i'm still upset about and just don't have any motivation to "get out there" (out where!!!???) and meet anyone. Well I think that's enough venting for one message:)

[Anonymous]

I don't want to sound like an advertisement, but I want to share something that has worked really well for me -

I am 27 and a couple years ago I discovered www.Matchmaker.com. (http://www.Matchmaker.com.) Once I got over my paranoia that someone would find out that I was "internet dating" I had a lot of fun.

It took some time to learn how to weed out the losers from the good guys, but after 4-5 bad dates I started to develop my screening process.

I've met friends and romantic prospects through matchmaker. Being young and female, its also really good for the ego... women get 3-4 times as many emails from that site as men do.

If you don't get discouraged by dating some frogs, you may just find a prince or two. /phpBB/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif At least you'll be going out, meeting people and maybe even having some fun.

[wolverine]

Part I

The Real World is the first time most people have been forced to make friends on their own, and it scares them more than anything they've ever done. In elementary school, we were friends with our classmates. Don't hang out with your coworkers all the time; you'll eventually feel like you're always at work because at some point coworkers will always talk about work. Find people that have a similar interest. If you bike, go on the web and look for a local bike group. If you collect baseball cards, hang out at the hobby shop meeting people that do the same. Say hi to people at the laundromat, and ask how their day is going. The more you attempt to be active & social (doesn't necessarily mean bars) and the more friendly and approachable you are, the increased likelihood you'll make more friends instead of sitting around wondering why you haven't. And try and be positive/upbeat/fun at least some of the time. If you're a downer all the time, you'll probably have trouble making/keeping friends because no one wants to be around a constant pity party.

[wolverine]

Part II

Get some self-confidence too. Why rely on other people to introduce themselves to you or organize a group outing? Do it yourself! Grab the bull by the horns and go out and enjoy life and have fun. Look at all the time you are wasting sitting around wondering why people don't like you. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. That sounds like a really lame excuse to me. Parks are free (or a couple bucks). Window-shopping is free. Museums are free or very cheap. "Necessity is the mother of invention." If money's an issue, take that out of the equation and find cheap/free stuff to do. I totally agree with the person that said to volunteer. When you're depressed, nothing makes you feel better than helping those less fortunate. Have you been to a retirement home before? You have no concept of what loneliness is until you've been to one. I cry whenever I go to a retirement home because the older people are so grateful to have someone take the time to say hi and give them a hug. Enjoy life while you have it...look at what happened to those thousands of people on 9/11 who would have thought something like that would have never happened to them and it did. You should do everything you want in life so that you can die with no regrets. Carpe Diem! Seize the Day!

[Uber]

I'm a shy person and don't open up until I feel really comfortable with a person. This not only hurts me in dating, but also with making platonic friends of either gender. I joined an unstructured 'group' of people that I met through a friend. This group of people has some good apples that I am real friends with, but most of them are 'fake friends'. I seem to have a lot of fake friends, that I can hang out with at a bar, but if there isn't drinking going on, I can't hang out with them. I'm sick of only meeting people in bars, relationships are short and meaningless if existant at all and the guys are nothing more than an old drinking buddy type. How do I move away from fake friends and meet some really good people to hang out with? Of course I'd also like to meet a woman that I can spend a lot of time with, but even a few real friends would be great.

There is noone at work that I can see myself getting along with and as someone already mentioned, work friends lead to work talk, and I am trying to get away from that. While school seems to present more of an opportunity, there is a bit of an age/maturity difference and again school friends also end up talking about school work more often than is desirable.

So mainly, I'm looking for somewhere other than a bar/work/school to meet people that doesn't require a constant amount of time commitment (busy work / school schedule makes most organized groups out of reach). Any suggestions?

[apollo1129]

Wow, I feel the same way as a lot of people here...I have some people I can get together with but no pack of 'fabulous' friends to do fun stuff with or connect with. Even the friends I do have have their own separate lives or we don't always click. It was definitely easier to make new friends in school--you had your pick of a lot of different people in classes and clubs. One friend in particular right now, I have a tough time with. Although I've known her a few years, I feel we have some strong personality differences and our basic approach to things is different. For example, she tends to be judgemental and overly cautious at times while I see myself as more free-spirited and open to new things. I don't mind her as an acquaintance or casual friend but feel I have a hard time really opening up to her without fearing that I'm being judged for what I disclose...In light of this, yeah, it couldn't hurt to meet some new people I connect with better. When you're not surrounded by a tight group of friends, it really makes you self-reliant and well-acquainted with your tastes and interests. Any ideas for how to deal with this friend besides just putting up with it?

[notr2d2]

It's definitely interesting to read some of these thoughts. I can definitely relate to some. I don't if this relates to this thread but I have been trying to figure what is better: isolation or being social. I have tried both to extremes and both have their pros and cons. When alone, I feel depressed b/c I'm alone but have the freedom to do what I want. When I'm w/ people; I struggle socially (social anxiety disorder) and feel alone anyways b/c I don't know what to say and fear bad reactions. So now, I decided to cut that fear of socializing out and be alone. I guess being isolated hurts having any romantic encounters. I have a feeling I won't figure things out before I'm dead. Thank you very much for reading. It felt good writing that!