after 6 months i'm still holding on

[manicmonkie]

My gf and i broke up 6 months ago after a 7 month relationship that was much less than ideal. Why am I still clinging to her? I am about to move to Montana to go to school and I would really like to start completely over there without clinging to my ex. Can anybody help me find a way to let go? All help is appreciated. Thanks. Aaron

[Unregistered]

Here's a quote that has helped me.

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad it was once yours" 'Respecting what was & letting go seem to help you adjust and put things in perspective'.

Sometimes the fear of the unknown (future) makes us cling to what is familiar, even if it wasn't the best.

[Phoenix]

I'd suggest allowing yourself to "grieve" - accept that you've broken up and that you're better off for it. Cry, get angry, be hurt, be sad. Take your time with experiencing these emotions (don't set a time limit for yourself to be all cured and over it) and you'll find you have nothing left to cling to. Which may be a scary thought, but then you will be able to open yourself to new experiences and people.

You asked a good question - "why am I still clinging to her?" Maybe you need to look inside yourself for that answer. Are you missing her? Are you missing being in a relationship? Are you lonely? Are you wanting someone to share things with? Do you miss something special about this girl? Are you just needing someone to think about in order to put off dealing with other things or to be happy? Do you feel you haven't gotten the closure you need because she left you hanging or you don't understand why you broke up? (These are just suggestions.)

Don't obssess about her or your situation. Think about the girl you'd *really like and the less than ideal situation w/ your ex. Why would you still want that? You deserve better - and you already know you want to move on, which is the first step.

[CAT11]

I agree with Phoenix that you need to let yourself grieve. That is key in something like this.
I have an idea why you are still clinging to her. If it was less than ideal, I assume she treated you badly, but I wonder if you think you somehow were only worth that? Just a thought.
I might suggest some couseling to find out what is really the issue. You might try looking in the phone book for a community type thing with a sliding scale.

[Maximus]

Don't they have any good bars in Denver? Kidding, I agree with everyone else - just realize it will take a while. Try not to analyze it too much.....keep yourself busy & occupy your mind. Go out on a date - there's nothing better to take you mind off the one you lost than a new flame (ladies, I know that may sound bad but I think you get the point) - this one worked for me. Of course, I know, easier said than done, but you just have to be strong - you'll get over it eventually. Ultimately, it's just going to take TIME - take your motto to heart - endurance is just what you need. Hang in there bud!

[manicmonkie]

I really appreciate your replies to my problem. I have figured out the two main reasons for my problem. Number one - do to a completely messed up childhood I developed emotional problems. I shut myself off from the world for the first 17 years. Then I found a cool girl and opened myself up and took a chance. That one tanked really quickly and I shut myself off again for 3 more years. Then I found this amazing girl (my ex) with whom i clicked with in tons of areas. Even before we started dating, I had a 7 hour long conversation at work with her without any awkward pauses, it just flowed. She's smart and ambitious too; a truly great person. I had more feelings for her than i have ever experienced in my entire life so it hurts incredibly to feel that she doesn't want me. And it's hard to believe that I'll find one equal to that.
Second reason - I feel inadequate on my own. For the first 20 years of my life I've been a lone wolf taking care of myself in every way. I used to think I was invincible and didn't need any kind of support to live my life. But after this last realtionship, my system has been shocked by the realisation that i really can't do this all by myself. I have only had one friend at a time until now and even then we were never very close. Now all my friends are either too old or young for me to hang out with and feel comfortable doing so. So I feel the need for a gf as a companion to share life with and to learn about people and myself. I know friends can do that for me too, but for some reason even though I feel terrible alone, I can't really interact with people and find myself wanting to go back into my shell. But when it comes to the deep connection with a girl, I can handle it.
Well those are the reasons for it and the reason why I am saying this is because I would like to feel adequate and be more secure in myself. Not so that the saying "people will love you when you love yourself" (or something like that) will be true, but so that i can be content with myself. I don't know why I'm not content with myself. I don't have any major problems. I'm a hard working person trying to get a degree in architecture, I'm perfectly happy with that, but without the affection a girl gives i feel empty and worthless. Can somebody please help me find some inner peace and self confidence or at least suggest some tips to start on that path? thanks for listening.

[Maximus]

I could be totally off base here, but i think what you're refering to below is loneliness. Honestly, I can't really offer any revelations, primarily because I've experieced many of the same things you mention below. I definitely know how you feel & I really haven't found the answer yet either, other than your theory that finding a female companion will cure some of this. See what you women put us guys through!! :) I extend the question as well - I'd also like to hear some suggestions........