where is this relationship going?

[kitalyn414]

so, i'm getting the feeling that i need to have a "where is this relationship going" convo w/ the bf pretty soon. not because i am eager for a higher level of commitment, but quite the opposite. i'm getting the feeling that he may be more invested in the relationship than i am. i am fairly certain that he isn't "the one," so i guess i need to know if he is going in that direction. if he is, i suppose we would need to break it off... since i don't want to waste his time. if he isn't looking down the line towards marriage & everything, then i am fairly happy continuing things status quo.

what are your thoughts on bringing this up?

[Skyblade]

"where is this relationship going" convo

All my friends call these types of conversations DTRs (aka Define the Relationship)

I think its a good idea to talk about it. How are you going to bring it up? Its a difficult thing to do.

[kitalyn414]

well, now that i know about DTR, i may just say... "so i think we need to DTR." when he asks what that is, i'll tell him & go from there. that way it has some humor in it.

what do you think?

[gluegun]

Hmmm...yeah, you probably need to say something. He could be in a totally different place than you right now.

[Skyblade]

That could work. :D

I had to have a few DTRs in my life. Sometimes they can be cool, sometimes not. Usually not in my case.

But, good luck!

[LakeJay]

I don't know how you ensure this but make sure he is being absolutely honest and open about how he really feels. Hopefully he isn't going to hide his true feelings just to avoid appearing vulnerable especially when he realizes where this conversation is going to go. I can just envision the conversation with you pointing out that you aren't looking for anything serious with him and he saying the same just to agree, end the discussion, and still be with you.

[kitalyn414]

well... if he did that, it is pretty much his problem. i mean, if i tell you, "hey, a year from now i'll be living in another country," then what more can i do? i just want to make him aware that at this point in my life, i stop for no one.

[bigboom]

i think its a grand idea just so that no one is wasting their time :)

[Deadend]

What exactly do you mean by "the one"?

I don't really believe in "the one", destiny, or anything like that at all. I think any relastionship is whatever you want to make it. After all, some people have arranged marriages.

Still, in some cases the match just isn't quite right.

At any rate, that sounds kinda sad. I feel for the guy. Don't use the "waste your time" line on him though. It's stupid and condescending trying to rationalize that you're trying to do him a favour if you're going to break his heart. If that happens, you're not saving him any time. Believe me.

The french have a saying that translates to "There is always one who loves, and one who is loved". I dunno, hopefully not always.

[kitalyn414]

by "the one" i mean i don't want to marry him. i mean, i felt like it was a closer fit with my last boyfriend.

and as far as saving him time, i just mean... if he wants to find a girl to marry, is it better to end this relationship so he can move on asap?

[WeirdBrake]

if he wants to find a girl to marry, is it better to end this relationship so he can move on asap?

Yes.

[Phoenix]

Originally posted by kitalyn414
by "the one" i mean i don't want to marry him. i mean, i felt like it was a closer fit with my last boyfriend.

and as far as saving him time, i just mean... if he wants to find a girl to marry, is it better to end this relationship so he can move on asap?

Yes. If you don't want to marry him...why are you with him? Are you dating just to date casually? If you're seriously dating, isn't the purpose to find the person you want to be with above others? (Whether it be marriage or a long term relationship.) Do you NEVER want to marry him or be with him long term? Or just at this point in your life?

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by Phoenix
Yes. If you don't want to marry him...why are you with him? Are you dating just to date casually? If you're seriously dating, isn't the purpose to find the person you want to be with above others? (Whether it be marriage or a long term relationship.) Do you NEVER want to marry him or be with him long term? Or just at this point in your life?
True, Phoenix.

I'm sort of confused by the situation, Kita...I don't get when people date for a long time and it seems serious, but they don't want it to be? Why get to that point then?

:confused:

[Deadend]

Originally posted by kitalyn414
by "the one" i mean i don't want to marry him. i mean, i felt like it was a closer fit with my last boyfriend.

that sounds ironic


and as far as saving him time, i just mean... if he wants to find a girl to marry, is it better to end this relationship so he can move on asap?

Hey, I just know I had that line used on me, then I wasted the next month just being sad. Maybe logically there is some sense to it - if you feel the way you do. He likely doesn't. To him maybe it's a waste of time with the time investment that's already there.
Maybe he likes your differances, or maybe you're opening his mind to a few things making you more similar to the beggining. It really doesn't matter, the point is the ill-fit is somthing you see right now, not him.

At any rate, didn't say it wasn't true, maybe it is. I just said that you shouldn't use that line on him. You dump him, you're looking out for you. Now there'snothing wrong with that, but don't try and make yourself out to be selfless when you're a heart breaker.

Maybe a collalory is that lover boy will find his true love sooner, but common, that's really none of your business is it? You have no idea what his dating schedule will be after you split.

I have been the dumper before (although nothing serious), and I know the way that it feels to be on that end of the coin too (bad, but quite differant). It's alot of guilt. Seeing somthing like doing him a favour (saving time) no doubt makes you feel a little bit better about that guilt, by identifying somthing "selfless" about the act. Which is why, I'm sure, I've heard the "time" line more than once before.

Now I'm not saying you're not doing the right thing. And true it may in the end result in somthing better for him too. I'm just saying don't try and tell him you're doing him a favour. You're not, you're looking to relieve your own feelings of guilt (not I'm not accusing you of being guilty of anything, you're of course not). Wether or not you're saving him time is heresay, and more importantly his business. If you need to break it off, do it. But don't try and tell him you're doing him a favour. Maybe it will make you feel better, but it will only serve to make him more frustrated by being confused as to what he wants and what he should persue. After all, if he saw somthing in you, who's to say he won't "waste his time" with the next girl?

That line is not helping him with the breakup, it's helping you.

[Deadend]

Originally posted by pisces2473

True, Phoenix.

I'm sort of confused by the situation, Kita...I don't get when people date for a long time and it seems serious, but they don't want it to be? Why get to that point then?

:confused:

See I'm the other way around. I don't understand planning out a relationship from the beggining. Kinda seems like using people to me. I mean, if that's the case, why not just have them sign a contract on the first date?

I'll probably get married some day, sure. Will I be planning on persueing marriage with me future bride on the first date? Hell no! Why not just let it progress organicaly? Kinda like every other relationship in our life.

PS I know a couple that's getting married soon. They got together through a "one night stand that went wrong".

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by Deadend
I don't understand planning out a relationship from the beggining. Kinda seems like using people to me. I mean, if that's the case, why not just have them sign a contract on the first date?
Oh I'm not saying that...but why date someone longer than a few months if you don't want it to grow into something serious?

[Deadend]

Ok, good point..... although arn't we always saying you find love when you're not looking?

Hearts change with time.

[pisces2473]

I just don't see anything continuing long term without it getting serious...I don't think you can casually date the same person for years...

That's what I was trying to say as well, I guess.

[Deadend]

Ok point taken. Which is why indecision and not knowing what you want, cold feet, ect. can kill a relatinoship that would otherwise be possibley serious and good.

I loved the movie "High Fidelity"

[coll214]

Originally posted by pisces2473
I just don't see anything continuing long term without it getting serious...I don't think you can casually date the same person for years...

That's what I was trying to say as well, I guess.

Sometimes when you start seeing someone, you just go one day at a time, and then poof it's been awhile w/o either of you realizing it or ever having the DTR convo... b/c if that had happened it may have been over faster... at least in my limited experience ;) .

maybe i'm in the minority, but if i'm just started to see/like someone, there's no way i can start thinking oh he's hubby material right away... then I'D be the one running for the hills! LOL.

[kitalyn414]

thanks for all your input. i had the conversation last night.

here's the situation (for any that are unclear): i'm 24, he's 37. by virtue of age alone, we are in very different places in our lives. i wasn't really sure what he is looking for as in the past we have had the "do you want to get married" convo & he was always kind of evasive and up in the air about it. as for me, i am planning on going to graduate school within the next two years & hopefully within the next year. 2 of the schools i am applying to are overseas.

now, it makes sense that if you are developing a relationship with someone, that you wouldn't want them to take off for a year or two to england. that's a no brainer. however, this has been something that i have been wanting to do since i graduated college. should i really sacrifice that goal to be with him? i really don't think so. it would probably leave me resentful.

so last night i had to lay it out on the table and tell him that there is a very good chance that i won't be around this time next year and that i needed him to know that in case he was thinking in terms of marriage. as i suspected, he said that he is looking for someone to share his life with. i don't think i can be that person at this point in my life, and due to the age thing... there probably isn't a later for us.

pisces - as for your question... it is hard to break something off with someone due to logistics. i still care about him and love spending time with him.

[pisces2473]

So how did it go, Kita?

[kitalyn414]

well... not well. i think he broke up with me, but we were both in such shock that i think we are still in denial. i told him that nothing has changed for me feeling wise, so i still want to see him this weekend. so it is up to him.

he called me this morning and said he wants to see me. i know in a way it is just delaying the inevitable, but at least it may make us feel better.:cry:

[pisces2473]

Yeah, I had been wondering if it resulted in breaking up or not...I mean, how do you continue to date knowing that eventually you're going to break up anyway? I don't envy your situation...and I hope everything works out for the best. Hang in there.

[coll214]

I'm so sorry to hear that kit... is it just not in the cards for a long distance relationship or do neither of you want that?

[kitalyn414]

i am not going to be in a long distance relationship again. no way.

we'll see what happens. as i said, i'm happy continuing on status quo, so it is up to him. i understand if he can't be with me and wants to move on. it sucks, but i get it.

[pisces2473]

Kita, you don't have to answer this...and others, feel free to jump in, if you want:

So if you just want to continue things status quo and he's okay with that? What happens if you go to the UK for school? Is it just like, I'm leaving in a month, lets break up now? Or do you let things fade out...or let things happen as they may?

[MetFanL]

I'm so sorry, kita. That's just a tough situation...

[kitalyn414]

Originally posted by pisces2473
Kita, you don't have to answer this...and others, feel free to jump in, if you want:

So if you just want to continue things status quo and he's okay with that? What happens if you go to the UK for school? Is it just like, I'm leaving in a month, lets break up now? Or do you let things fade out...or let things happen as they may? yeah... that's the thing. what do you do? plus it isn't really good for the relationship to be like, "hey, i'm applying to grad school, but if i don't get in... then we're still on." kinda lame.

i am really firm about my position, however. it was part of the reason i broke up with my last boyfriend. i realized that in order to be with him, i would have to give up everything and move halfway across the country. looking back, it would have been a good idea to just remain single after that, but i met jeff & he was so great. additionally, i hadn't really cleared up the whole grad school thing. now i know that i absolutely want to get my masters, that it is part of my overally plan that includes a husband and a family in the future. but i have to do this first to have the life i want later.

i suppose he will dump me in the next week or so. i don't blame him.

[pisces2473]

I'm sorry, hon. *big hug*

[kitalyn414]

you guys don't need to be sorry for me... i should have used better judgement in the beginning. anyway, i am glad to have this board as a venue to vent in. i also really appreciate the other points of view... helps me see it from other perspectives.

really, i am okay. i'm sure you can understand that i didn't fully invest in him because i suspected what the outcome would be for a while now. i'm sorry that i can't say the same for him. of course, that makes me feel like a terrible, horrible person, but i've never been in this situation before. as i've said before, live and learn, people.

[pisces2473]

Originally posted by kitalyn414
that makes me feel like a terrible, horrible person, but i've never been in this situation before. as i've said before, live and learn, people.
That's what I'm sorry about...it sucks when you have to go through a situation knowing that you're causing pain to someone.