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pisces2473
11-11-2004, 12:14 PM
I open my email this morning, and my friend sent out an email yesterday saying that she and the hubby were having a party on Saturday night. Does this seem too late of notice to about parties? To me, it does. People make plans for the weekend...hello...

It's just like she's been MIA for awhile, and now she wants to have a party? WTF?

I think my rage or whatever is more towards her being MIA than throwing a party last minute...

I wrote her back, "Sorry, my mom and I are going to RI for the weekend."

Every time she wants to do something, she waits until last minute. GRRRRRRRRR

wordsmith
11-11-2004, 12:16 PM
My friend does this. I bite on it if she springs something last minute, sometimes because I've legitimately got something going on, other times just because I'm annoyed tht it's last minute.

pisces2473
11-11-2004, 12:23 PM
Glad to hear I'm not alone...I haven't seen her since the end of Sept, right before she went to Vegas to get married. We talked a few times on the phone/IM, but when I suggested us doing something, she told me that the only times she has off are Sundays before 3 (she goes to work at 4) and Weds during the day (I'm at work). She works nights and goes to school most days during the week, and told me that Sat nites are "reserved" for her hubby. WTF? So when I said, We'll have to get together for brunch on Sundays, you'd think she would have said, Yeah, how's next Sunday for you? But no.

Whatever, this is why I hate most of my friends.

kimmer23
11-11-2004, 12:30 PM
yeah i dont do that last minute crap anymore either.

anyways who gets a party together in 3-4 days??

pisces2473
11-11-2004, 12:31 PM
Thank you Kimmer! Watch, she'll probably whine later that no one came.

kimmer23
11-11-2004, 12:59 PM
when people do that to me i either feel like they have a really disorganized life or that they only thought of me last minute.

lorion11
11-11-2004, 01:08 PM
One of my best friends is a last-minute planner and I'm really starting to like it seems we always do something fun no matter what ... I like to spontaneous but I also like to plan.. I have friends that are both ways...

I used to be really big into planning every weekend ahead of time but lately have been enjoying just letting the weekends flow as they go....

pisces2473
11-11-2004, 01:23 PM
It seems that she always does this, and I'm sorry, but I like to see Chris too, and he can't come out to parties yet, esp. where he doesn't know anyone. But my mom and I made plans to go Xmas shopping in RI and to see our relatives a few weeks ago, so whatever.

MOS9904
11-11-2004, 01:25 PM
Is a twinge of this maybe because you already have plans and now you cant go?

Could you possibly reschedule shopping and seeing these relatives?

pisces2473
11-11-2004, 01:26 PM
No...I've felt like this before when I haven't had any "real" plans.

ETA: This friend has just been odd lately...suddenly she has all these newer friends and me and this other girl feel like we're in the cold. I mean, these other people planned her a shower! That should have been our job--we've known her FOREVER!

gluegun
11-11-2004, 02:00 PM
I hate last minute parties. If somebody warns me in time I can usually psych myself up to go. However, I can't just spring in to action. I have to mentally prepare.

MetFanL
11-11-2004, 02:13 PM
I have a friend that does this... Of course, it's only last minute for her single friends. We are an afterthought to even out the numbers or something... The marrieds usually get mailed invites. It's totally annoying...

However, she's one of those "reddeming qualities" friends that doesn't get cut out of my life, so, if I don't have plans, I'll at least stop by.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 10:11 AM
Okay, so my friend replied to my reply (I had said I couldn't go b/c my mom and I were going to be in RI) and she wrote, "Oh well, that's ok. I will see you sometime this decade LOL" So I wrote back, "Well, let me know when you have a free moment, since right now you have the busier schedule."

It's like WTF? You told me you only have Sundays free, so don't get all weird on me. Whatever.

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 10:35 AM
well people cant expect you to jump when they come up with last minute plans. when my friends do this to me, my mom tells me not to crawl up their ass all the time!

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 10:36 AM
It just pisses me off...why are people so effing lame?

coll214
11-12-2004, 10:45 AM
I'm a last minute planner so i shouldn't say anything; but generally it's just for basic stuff... a party should be i would think at least a week or 2, no? Usually when someone's planning a party that's about the ONLY time i hear from friends in advance (well most of them anyway)...

Is there a particular reason for the party? or just b/c?

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 10:48 AM
That's what I would think--at least a week advance. Esp. if you want people to come! I have no idea why they are having the party; probably b/c they haven't seen/talked to anyone since they got married and are like, "Oh we've been shitty friends, let's invite everyone we know and we'll kill a zillion birds w/ one stone."

MOS9904
11-12-2004, 10:58 AM
Maybe they are just calling it a party because its not them and just 1 or 2 other people?

Typically when I invite people over, even last minute Ill call it a party if its more than 2 people that are coming.....

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 11:04 AM
It doesn't really matter what they are calling it. That's not the issue.

MOS9904
11-12-2004, 11:36 AM
You post "who plans a party a few days before its going to happen" which is why I said it might not be a "party" but just the word they are using to describe having people over.....

Because most people plan a PARTY a week or so in advance.......

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 11:38 AM
MOS, that was not the issue. The real issue is w/ her being so effing weird...and the party was the last straw. I don't care what she calls it--as I said before, that has nothing to do with it. She could call it a rodeo square dancing in the nude event for all I care.

MOS9904
11-12-2004, 11:46 AM
IMO it sounds like your friend has asked you to hang out, and yes its been awhile, but you have plans and cant attend and so now you dont know when youll see her again.
When was the last time you picked up the phone and called her?

And from reading the entire thread again, you questioned who would plan a party just days in advance? Well as I said, maybe its not a party but just what she is calling it.

Does she typically plan last minute or has she always planned ahead?
If she was always a short term planner, this should come as no surprise.

And if she just got married, dont you think she would be adjusting to that and now she finally has some time to ask all her friends to come over and spend time together?

It seems there are more issues going on here, and you are getting highly upset because she planned a party a few days ahead and you already have plans.....but its only MO.

cheshrcarol
11-12-2004, 11:56 AM
Is your friend normally a spontaneous person? I have realized that while I have serious plan-itis (need to plan way in advance down to the last detail :) ), not all my friends are the same way. But another possibility is, and I hate to say it, she may have planned the party in advance and invited you as an afterthought. :(

If you want to keep being friends with her (and maybe you don't) I would suggest telling her that you were disappointed you have to miss her party because you'd like to see her, but that you'd like to nail down a plan to do something on a Sunday when you're both free. Just as a side note - if she's only free on Sundays, why is she having a party on Saturday? If she blows you off and doesn't want to commit to anything you might want to decide from there whether it's even worth it to continue the friendship. Just my 2 cents.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:07 PM
I don't bother calling her b/c she's never home. She works almost every day from 5 to 10 at a local university's polling institute. She doesn't get home until almost 10:30. The times I have tried to talk to her after work (either phone or IM) she has to go w/in mins b/c she's tired. She goes to school most days of the week from like 9 to 3 or 4 (studying to be an esthetician). I work all day, and can get together at night, but she's working. The days she doesn't have school, I'm still at work. She told me flat out that Sat nights are reserved for her husband, but she's not even willing to do group activities. For instance, our other really good friend K (who also feels like she's being ignored) called her up and wanted to know if her and her hubby wanted to get together with K and her husband--go out to dinner or something. She's like, "Noooo, I wanna see (name)..." K is like, "Okay whatever..." and then K said to me that she better not complain when she's the one doing this social suicide to herself.

So if I don't hear from someone by say, Thursday, I'm going to do what I usually do on weekends, see my BF. Then when someone says on Friday, let's hang out--oh well, too bad for them! I have told this particular friend that I need more notice when it comes to hanging out b/c I make plans far in advance. And when she first told me her crazy work/school schedule (and yes, I do understand that it has to be hectic and crazy and everything but SHE decided and has to make the sacrifice), she was like, Yeah, so I'll only have Sunday mornings/afternoons free. Then I said, Oh so we'll have to get together for brunches now... You would think she would have said something after that. NO.

As for getting married, she and the hubby have been together 5 years and have lived together for the past 2. What is there to get used to?

I'm just pissed at what seems her total disregard for her friends anymore. The last minute invite was the last straw. My plans have nothing to do with it...it's just the fact that she doesn't call or contact anyone for months, but only when she throws something together at the last minute. To me, that's shitty.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:11 PM
Originally posted by cheshrcarol
I hate to say it, she may have planned the party iIs your friend normally a spontaneous person? I have realized that while I have serious plan-itis (need to plan way in advance down to the last detail :) ), not all my friends are the same way. But another possibility is, and n advance and invited you as an afterthought. :(
She's not that bad...this is the least advance she's given anyone...and there were about 10 ppl on the email besides me, so no, I wasn't an afterthought. But it just seems like she hangs out w/ her man's friends and their wives/GFs, instead of her old friends, like me and K. It sucks.


If you want to keep being friends with her (and maybe you don't) I would suggest telling her that you were disappointed you have to miss her party because you'd like to see her, but that you'd like to nail down a plan to do something on a Sunday when you're both free. Just as a side note - if she's only free on Sundays, why is she having a party on Saturday?
I told her to let me know when she's free, since she's the busier one. She's free Sat nites but that's for the man, Carol!!! Planning a party w/ the man, she can still see him!!! LOL


If she blows you off and doesn't want to commit to anything you might want to decide from there whether it's even worth it to continue the friendship. Just my 2 cents.
Good call. I don't know what to do. I feel like everyone's ditching me, not just her.

MOS9904
11-12-2004, 12:14 PM
It also seems that you are ridgid in how you make plans...that if people havent asked you by Thurs then you make your own plans and there is no room if something comes up.

It also seems that she is being ridgid saying that Sat nights are for her husband and husband only. Especially with her schedule being so tight-----but also...that might mean she doesnt see her husband all that much and so they have a reserved date night.

Sometimes I make plans for a Sat night in advance, but some weekends I dont so that if something comes up.....its a possibility to go...if nothing comes up, I start making calls and usually we create something together.

She might have been with her husband for 5 years and lived with him, but from reading posts on here, it seems there still is an adjustment to being a married couple (those of you who are married feel free to tell me Im wrong....Im not married so.....)

If you suggested brunches to her.....have you called her on a Thurs, or E mailed or whatever to see if the Sunday would work for her?
Have you had a candid conversation where you tell her exactly how you feel about scheduling and seeing one another?

I totally understand why you are pissed....but again I think there is more going on than just her having a party.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:18 PM
Originally posted by MOS9904
but again I think there is more going on than just her having a party.
Did I not just explain what's going on with her? Someone correct me if I didn't...

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 12:19 PM
She might have been with her husband for 5 years and lived with him, but from reading posts on here, it seems there still is an adjustment to being a married couple (those of you who are married feel free to tell me Im wrong....Im not married so.....)

as a married person its still nice to go out with other people EVEN IF its with your husband. its fun to go out with your husband in a big group or with other couples.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:20 PM
Exactly Kimmer! That's what my friend K was getting at!!! All 4 of them get along and have done SO much stuff before together! She was like, Okaaaayyy, weird...

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:25 PM
Originally posted by MOS9904
It also seems that you are ridgid in how you make plans...that if people havent asked you by Thurs then you make your own plans and there is no room if something comes up.
Okay maybe a bit. But, my BF lives 40 mins away and can't come to see me, or go out in a group w/ my friends b/c he's not well enough. So if I want to see him, I have to make rigid plans to fit him in.


She might have been with her husband for 5 years and lived with him, but from reading posts on here, it seems there still is an adjustment to being a married couple (those of you who are married feel free to tell me Im wrong....Im not married so.....)
But to not want to see your friends? That's what I don't get! I miss my friends and they're all being wackos ignoring everyone!!!


If you suggested brunches to her.....have you called her on a Thurs, or E mailed or whatever to see if the Sunday would work for her?
Have you had a candid conversation where you tell her exactly how you feel about scheduling and seeing one another?
I don't...and that's my fault. I hate getting said no to, so I'd rather not talk to people than take the chance. That's stupid, I know, but whatever...that's my deal. When I have tried before, she's all "I have to see my family and do this and that, and blah blah" so it's like, why bother? And we've had chats in the past and they go nowhere...like, yeah we should do better, uh huh okay, but does it get better? No.

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 12:27 PM
we both are having problems with friends like this though....people just get all weird. we used to be close with this one couple and now things are a little distant. its been distant ever since i got married. and its not me being a "wife" and wanting to spend all my free time with my husband. its not that way at all. i invite them places constantly, but its like there is some sort of divide now. i cant get into everything now (that would totally be thread jacking) but i just think she is miserable with her life and is sorta jealous in a way. (she is 29 and still lives and home, her bf is 26, still in school, lives at home and isnt working).

i just cant figure people out many times...

MOS9904
11-12-2004, 12:30 PM
It sounds like you just dont want to be friends with her anymore.

Sometimes asking someone to hang out you need to take the chance for them to say no....and Im sure if she asked you to hang out and something might be going on with Chris or your family you would tell her "I need to see whats going on with my family first" and not just give her a resounding YES.

Do you have to tell your BF on Thursday if you are coming over on the weekend? Or could you tell him that you would definitely see him on Saturday night and then leave Friday and Sunday open for other things? Or however you want to work it?
40 minutes its a long long way....its totally not up the street, but its manageable if you decide at oh......3pm that you want to hang out....you could be there by 4 =)

Friendships are tough and sometimes hard to navigate.....but if you say all your friends are doing this----when did they all start, and do you think maybe there is a common thread since they are all acting the same way?

You had posted before that your friends never wanted to hang out and now that you had an SO screw them because they did it to you-----maybe thats part of this? That now they want to hang out and you dont have time because of your SO....Im not saying you shouldnt see him, but maybe thinking if no one has called you by Thurs that then your entire weekend is booked is hindering your seeing them.

Of course I dont know the situation because Im not them or you----but Im trying to put myself in your shoes, and also in your friends to try and see if there is a piece that isnt being looked at.
But it does seem you have made up your mind about this one friend.

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 12:35 PM
well i know where jen is coming from wanting to see chris and all. everyone says that you should see your friends and not be "up your man's butt" so much, but when your bf feels more like a best friend than your girlfriend does why not see him instead of the friends? i always have felt like alan will and has been there and will be in the long run. they always say "friends are forever and men will come and go" but in my case it hasnt always been that way. my husband has never let me down, my friends have though.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:40 PM
Okay I'll get to my other friends in a sec...but this particular one:
All of a sudden, she got TOTALLY buddy-buddy w/ ppl at her old job (she just left to go back to school) and it was like too fast, you know what I mean? Her sis in law to be plans her shower, when K and I have known her for over 8 years, and what about her other friends, the ones who've known her since they were kids? No one really asked us for much help. I still haven't gotten a thank you note from her shower (which is a big social faux pas in my book). She hangs out w/ her hubby's friend's women now and K and I feel left out. So maybe she doesn't want to be my friend either? I don't know.

Oh no, it's not like I say to Chris on Thurs that I'll be coming over, but usually, I don't get asked to do anything by then anyway, so it's just a given, you know?

My other friends--2 live 3 hours away, one just got back from being away in Americorps for 2 yrs, the other 3 I do see often (not every day but at least once a month--they are busy w/ school and work). This friend (from above)--I considered her my big sister. That's how close we were. You know, she had the same thing happen to her w/ her best friend from childhood and she was really hurt. I wonder how she'd feel if I told her she was doing the same thing to me?

So maybe I over exaggerated a bit about my friends--it's mostly just her...and my married friend who lives 3 hrs away (roomie from college). My other friend who lives 3 hrs away comes home almost every month and we get together for coffee. So it's really just these two, who were my closest friends.

Okay, I'm done for now, lol.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 12:42 PM
Originally posted by kimmer23
well i know where jen is coming from wanting to see chris and all. everyone says that you should see your friends and not be "up your man's butt" so much, but when your bf feels more like a best friend than your girlfriend does why not see him instead of the friends? i always have felt like alan will and has been there and will be in the long run. they always say "friends are forever and men will come and go" but in my case it hasnt always been that way. my husband has never let me down, my friends have though.
Exactly. I want to see my friends, but they are busy, and Chris isn't, so what should I do, sit at home alone? LOL of course not! And Chris is there for me always, and with everything we've been through, we have a lot more catching up to do than the average couple who's been together almost a year (ahh a year!), you know?

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 01:00 PM
i would also think these married couples would want to keep in close touch with people so when the rest of the crew gets married and everyone starts having kids it would be fun to do "family" stuff together. my parents had tons of friends with kids around my age when i was younger. we would all go on vacations together and hang at each other's houses for cookouts and pool parties. i think it would be cool when its time for kids to have friends also in the same mindset.

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:02 PM
Ummm yeah, I would hate to be married w/ kids and have no friends!

But see, Kimmer...they have married/coupled friends...I guess me and K don't count anymore...

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:05 PM
And another thing, I haven't heard from my friend (ex roomie, was in her wedding) since the beginning of Oct, when she emailed me. I wrote her right back, and haven't heard from her since. That really pisses me off. I know she's busy and stuff, but I'm sorry I don't count even to send a 5 min. email...

I just finished her wedding gift. I'm going to send it to her with a note saying, I feel like things are drifting apart...I dont know what happened, but I do miss hearing from you... It's almost like, I want to ask her if she wants to be friends w/ me anymore and just say, "It's okay if you don't, but I don't like being in limbo."

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 01:08 PM
jen,

well you are still a "couple" hehe!! well that is weird of her just to want to hang out with marrieds only.

i wonder if something else is up with this friend??

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:09 PM
I know she's kinda going through her own QLC right now w/ career and job stuff--she's back in school. But to not want to see her oldest friends? WTF?

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 01:18 PM
well you know how those qlc's can be! maybe that is messing her all up??

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:20 PM
Maybe so...maybe so...

I always email people...I don't get why others are so slow at it...

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 01:26 PM
i guess they dont check their email 50,000 times a day like us! what is wrong with these people??:D

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:26 PM
But not even once? Or once a week???

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 01:28 PM
i do know people like that though. THE HORROR!

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:31 PM
But seriously, not even ONCE a week? I don't get it....you know what, that's b/c they have other social activities...and I don't.

cheshrcarol
11-12-2004, 01:33 PM
Jen, I have a friend who's a teacher doesn't have a computer at home and has to check at the random times she goes to her parents' house. By then she has so many e-mails she deletes them all and figures if it was important the person will e-mail again. How obnoxious is that?

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 01:41 PM
Whoa, that's WAY obnoxious. And rude.

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 01:57 PM
we must have email ignorant friends!

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 02:28 PM
Kim, if we lived closer, we'd hang out. And the boys could look at their boats and fish together.

Too bad everyone else sucks! haha

coll214
11-12-2004, 02:59 PM
Another theory... I had a friend who i was friends w/ for quite awhile who started to change a lot, and it almost seemed like she wanted to completely start over again, almost a new life, w/ different friends. so i didn't talk to her for a few years and since then have gotten back in contact... and it's just like old times.

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 03:06 PM
jen,

i know....
i like to fish too though! hehe! move closer damn you!

pisces2473
11-12-2004, 03:07 PM
I'm getting into it! I need to get a new job and so does Chris! I do have family in Balto. County :)

kimmer23
11-12-2004, 03:11 PM
well come on hon, we'll drink some wooder and warsh our cars and drink some natty bo! heehee!

but seriously yeah that would awesome if you lived closer.