starting a family

[Velvet]

Is anyone else getting pressure to start a family? I just turned 26 and am getting married in 3 months and all of a sudden everyone is thinking my reproductive plans are their business. Maybe I just need to tell them to shut up! I never think to until later. I want to get my life figured out before I take that step. I would like to get out of my twenties first. My career is going nowhere fast and I want to get some control over that before I have children. It just makes me so mad!!!! People say, well there are more important things than career. But what they can't freaking understand is that even if I wanted to say screw the career I'll concentrate on a family, I'd still have to pay off all the student loan debt I accumulated. People are telling me that if I don't have kids now it will be too late. I'm not going to wait forever, but I want my kids to be able to look up to me. I sure as hell don't feel that way about myself right now.

[Anonymous]

don't response to the pressure. i'm not even in a relationship and sometimes find myself wondering when will i meet someone that i can fall in love with and start a family. and i'm only 24! so, with all that said - don't rush. it'll probably be best to spend some time in your marriage without the kids immediately. furthermore, these people that want you to rush out and procreate probably will not be there in the middle of the night, during the toddler years - etc.

take your time. have children when you are ready. being ready is different things for different people. so if you need to have your career straightened out before you can take that step comfortably. so be it.

[Anonymous]

Don't cave. Tell them that you prefer not to discuss those issues with them. You have 8 to 10 good reproductive years ahead of you! Don't bow to the pressure!! I wanted a baby at 25, didn't have one - now I am 28 and so RELIEVED that I waited!!

[Anonymous]

I was engaged at 22 and the relationship has since ended (probably my biggest quarterlife crisis!). But when I was engaged people were pressuring me about having children also. One of my coworkers is newly engaged at 26 and I hear everyone asking her about children also.
Once you announce that you are engaged people just feel the need to pry into your life. Everyone has advice and opinions(even me obviously). The only opinion that is important is your own! It's important to look at all angles and take different factors into consideration. But ultimately what matters is what you feel is right. If you are not ready for children then you shouldn't have them!
I know...easier said than done. Stay true to yourself.
Good luck! /phpBB/images/smiles/icon_smile.gif

[Anonymous]

I know what you mean. I was married when I was 22. When I was engaged, my mom was excited because she had the prospect of being a grandma. Ever since then until now, my mom calls on a weekly basis and wants to know when she will be a grandmother. My mother-in-law is now starting in. But the scarest thing that happened this week is that my husband now wants a baby. I think I should be able to decide. Having a child is a huge responability. What is even worse, alot of companies will give you time off for maternity leave, but won't pay. I don't know about you, but 3 months without a paycheck seems way too scary for me! Good luck. Don't let anyone pressure you. Do what you think is right. (It will get harder though when more people get on the baby bandwagon)

[Solo]

Man, I get the same pressure from so many family members and coworkers. How rude! Well, I'm 28 and my wife is getting ready to turn the big 30, but we don't feel ready. She's only a Sophomore in College (long story). I feel like starting over myself because I hate my job. Actually, not just my job, but my field. I don't want a different job in it either.

Also, it's tough to decide when the right time is. And what to do when you have kids. I mean does the wife stay home or not? for how long?

I know one thing. Your relationship should be rock solid if you're gonna have kids. Don't have kids expecting them to bring you closer 2gether either. Bad Idea IMHO.

Talk 2 me People!

[CAT11]

I would just like to say that you are not doing any one a favor by having kids if you are not ready.....

On the other hand, in Newsweek a couple issues ago (just did a quick search of the website and couldn't find a link) there was a cover story about women and fertiltiy....

Apparently your fertility starts to decrease at 27....
Even though this sounds scary, knowledge is power. Use it to help you make the best decisions....

[MissKitty]

Politely tell them that it is none of their business! Especially with your nosey coworkers.
Actually one of my coworkers just found out that she is going to be a grandma and has been driving me crazy with the comments, it's like peer pressure! "When are you going to get pregnant? These things always happen in three's! The happiest time in a womans life is when she becomes a grandma... when are you going to make your mother happy? etc, etc, etc." It's gotten to the point where if I mention that I'm hungry for lunch, she asks if I'm having cravings! I had to politely tell her that just because her daughter is expecting dosen't mean that every young woman she knows is! Ugh.
When we announced our plans to marry, everyone assumed that I was pregnant, I was insulted.
I have been married for two years now and we are not planning to have children until maybe 2004. My husband won't graduate until next fall, we are saving for a home, and since I am on birth control we can plan when we want to start our family. I don't feel ready to become a Mom and quit my job just yet, my mother understands and is doing her best to be patient, but my in-laws insist on mentioning the grandchildren topic every time I see them. I tell them that they already have grandchildren...our dog and two cats. :)

~MissKitty

[Unregistered]

What is it with people? I recently moved in with my boyfriend. (and it seems every day someone asks when we are getting married or "subtly" mentions how much they love children. Meanwhile, I feel like just us living together is a huge step and taking on anything more would be a mistake. Plus, I'm 23!! That's practically a baby in my eyes. It really annoys me that people are constantly putting that kind of pressure on me. I understand that not everyone in my life agrees that it is okay to live together outside of marriage, but how can they justify pressuring me into a marriage to alleviate their own moral hesitations? I obviously am okay with it. What is the best way to shut these people up?

[sunbear]

Hi there!
I actually got in a discussion about this at a bar Friday night- a couple of gals and I were wondering how people could be having kids esp. in our earlier twenties. I don't think there's anything wrong with marrage, however children are such a responsibility, a lifelong one. I believe that it is so wrong for people to pressure you into having children- I want to have them when I CAN AFFORD THEM>
My mother gives me the same grief...
I believe children deserve to be provided for, its a much different picture when you think of the future children than when you think of anyone else.

[Unregistered]

I have been married for almost 2 years and I have avoided the kids pressure. My mom, although excited to be a Grandma someday, has not pushed me to do it right now. My husband is starting to make noise about it, but I don't think he is prepared to make the changes in his life that would be necessary to start a family (he is a full time musician on the road a ton). My sister and his brother are asking when we'll have kids so that they can be the "fun aunt and uncle". I, on the other hand, having been a nanny for six years for kids ranging from 2-16, know that I want more me-time before I start my family.

Sometimes I think that we (twentysomethings) put too much on "being ready" i.e. financially, emotionally, etc. We are waiting for the light bulb to go off, or the bell to sound, or something to indicate that we are ready to have kids. People of our parents' generation often times got pregant by accident, thus dictating when they would start a family...it often wasn't a choice, but circumstance. Sometimes I wish that would happen to more of us so that we didn't put so much pressure on ourselves to make the right decision....

[dragonfly]

It's the first time I post here
Situation: 25, finished a degree in fine arts last year, been working for nearly a year, web developper recently moved out on my in-laws and oof!! finally been living with my husband for 6 months in our little nest ...

I would love to know if anybody face obssesive inlaws who cannot accpt the fact their darling of a son is married and not living with them anymore .. they still react to as if he still lives there... wouldn't surprise me if they call him to tell him to come have breakfast one day?? what to do to react politely and at the same time to tell them to back off!! plus of course the endless wanting to know if I'm pregnant !! that really drives me up the wall!! and why is it that men gets so sentimental about their mothers?? beats me?? we leave our parents too, isn't it??
anyway needed to vent out...