View Full Version : 21 and Never Had a Boyfriend...

09-08-2002, 11:55 AM
Anyone else in the same boat or have any advice?? I have NO idea about guys and dating. My mom wouldn't let me date when I was younger, so everyone kind of passed me by. I don't know how to show interest in a guy the right way. I used to approach guys and ask them out, but realized that it not only made me look easy and desparate, but I made a complete fool out of myself. So I stopped doing that and I kind of gave up on the dating thing after a guy broke my heart 2 years ago. I haven't expressed interest in a guy since. I just cant' take that kind of disappointment and embarrassment again.
I just don't understand why guys don't approach me. I'm attractive, intelliegent, witty, articulate, and I don't dress trashy like a lot of young people today, but that's another post, lol. But on the rare occasion that a guy does approach me, he is stupid and disrespectful towards me.
My friend and I were watching "The Truth About Cats and Dogs" the other day and she thinks I'm a lot like Janeane Garafalo's character in that movie. Sorry to ramble, lol...anyone have any suggestions or advice for me??

09-08-2002, 12:37 PM
Hey ValentineGirl,

I really don't have much advice to give you. But I do feel you on this one. I'm 23 years old and have never had a boyfriend, let alone an actual date. It wasn't like my parents told me I couldn't date. It just never happened -- not in Jr. High School, High School and not even in college! I attended a couple formal dances in high school, but I ended up asking the guy both times and we were just friends. I'd meet a lot of guys in college in my classes and while living on campus, but it was always the same -- just friends.

I've never been approached by any guys either -- always my friends, but never me. I haven't really asked a guy out on a date either. I wouldn't know exactly how to do it and exactly what to do on a date. It sucks because I'm in my mid-20s now and I don't date. I don't even know where to meet guys since I now work full time. And to make matters worse I work on a team with 10 people and all of them are married! And I haven't really meet anyone new since gradauting from college. My closest friends are all in relationships, some are even married too. So I'm stuck trying to figured out how to even get into this whole dating scene now that I'm 23!

I've gotten this far in my life without being in a relationship. I am independent and my work keeps me busy. But a date every once in awhile would be nice too. Hopefully someone has some advice has been in a similar situation.

09-08-2002, 02:26 PM
Hi ValentineGirl, I'm 25 and haven't been in any real relationships, either. Feel better now? ;) I hear you on your mom not letting you date when you were younger. Back in high school, I went behind her back and had a fling for about a month, but I don't count that "relationship" for much now.

I've finally dispelled the idea that Prince Charming, Mr. Right or even Mr. Maybe will come onto the scene to sweep me off my feet. That kind of stuff mostly happens in just the movies anyway. I've heard that many guys in their 20s are just looking for action, and it takes time for them to mature and appreciate women who are more worthy of a good relationship. Of course, this doesn't go for EVERY guy. Maybe a guy would have a better time explaining this.

If you're 35 and still haven't had a boyfriend, then I'd start being concerned . . . . :)

09-08-2002, 08:48 PM
LOL, that is my biggest fear, being 30 or 35 and never had a boyfriend. I try to talk to people about it, but they're just like just be patient it'll come, but I want to go out and be treated like a lady and I want affection and attention. It's time! lol

09-09-2002, 01:48 AM
Hello all...

Zhadum and Squirmy have seen my postings before, but to everyone else: I am 22 and haven't had a boyfriend. There's been dates--never made it to date #2 and there hasn't been one in over a year. They were all set up by friends, no guy has ever asked me out. I've kissed guys (1st time when I was 18 so I'm REALLY behind), but it was always random. I have yet to find anyone who shows interest in me. It's very sad and frustrating, especially when all of my friends are either in relationships or go on dates frequently. They tell me not to worry, but I feel like I'm far behind enough. I'd like my first boyfriend before I get my first full-time job, lol. (I'm in grad school now.) I know I shouldn't worry, but I see my friends with their SO's and I know I'm missing something. I know having a boyfriend won't make me happy and my life will be perfect, but it's just a part of life that everyone goes through...just not soon enough. Ahhh, it's very frustrating!!! Everyone says, Oh grad school will be full of mature guys. Hmm, didn't they tell me that about college? And the boys there WERE boys--immature and glad to be rid of Mommy. The second week of grad school starts later today (it's monday morning at quarter to two) so maybe there's hope. It's hard to stay optimistic for very long though...


09-09-2002, 12:42 PM
I was in the same boat as you all! I was 23 when I had my first boyfriend and that was a disaster of a relationship. He was an asshole but I dated him for 3 months just to have that boyfriend experience.

I managed to meet more guys when I moved. I firmly believe that I wasn't right for the men in my hometown. I'm a bit loud and I'm opinionated and I don't think that's what most of the men in that city were looking for.

09-09-2002, 06:57 PM
I am sure that I will make you feel better. I am 26 and I am male. I am being so hard myself now because I never understand girls or why can girls give me a chance to go out to test me(test the waters) I know that it is very difficult out there today. There are three different type of relationship.
One-dating (Going out and have fun to work the way up to Commited Relationship) That is the hard part for sure. I haven't make to the second stage(Commited relationship)
Two-Commited Relationship (Serious Relationship)
Three - Casual Encounters. (Sexually Friend only)

Second problem is where are you coming from? Small town or cities. It is very hard to find a girl in small town. Most intelligent or more common interests are in the cities. So, that sucks. I am living in small town. There are people like older guys dating young girls or vice verse. I don't really care about the age. It doesn't matter. It is just a number to me.

In other words, I am on match.com right now and see if it will work or not? I don't know. I just start to put on the post. Now, girls feel free to take a look and I am mjcfw. I have two pictures.

Now, I am thinking about going to single cruise for a week in November but I am not sure now because I don't that I will have fun and after the vacation you won't be able to see a girl especially where is she from. So, I don't know. For sure, it requires a lot of patience but don't think too hard or try too hard.

Oh, well! Any advices or rants to me! I am open to hear any suggestion!

If anyone want to chat, my email is mjcfw@aol.com. I have three messagers, mjcfw(AOL), mjcfw@hotmail.com(MSN messager) and mjcfw@yahoo.com (Yahoo Messager)

Good Luck you all!


09-09-2002, 10:33 PM
Hi Mike...

To answer your question, I grew up in a large city (about a half million people), attended a high school with more than 4,000 students, and attended a college in a different city that had over 20,000 students. I was into a lot of activities both in high school and college, too. I guess the whole dating and relationship thing just hasn't happened to me yet. I guess I'm just a late bloomer, I suppose.

As for the three types of relationships you define -- I've only experienced the third one. Yeah, it can be all fun and games, but the whole package -- the dating, the relationship, and the sex -- would be all worth more than just a casual encounter (friend with benefits).

09-10-2002, 12:31 AM
Hi Mike,

To answer your question, I grew up in a fairly medium-sized town (about 27,000), went to a Catholic college (thinking I'd meet great guys, HA!) of about 4,000, and now am in Boston at a grad school with an enrollmet of 12,000. I know I live in a big city, so it should be easy, right? I don't know, I've only been here 3 weeks so I'm not expecting too much too soon. The people in my program aren't even that much friendly. Everyone seems to have their own lives outside of school and I don't right now. It's tough to be on your own in every imaginable way.

I don't know why some girls act so weird around nice guys. I know I wouldn't, if I ever met one. I don't even get approached! I want to know why guys don't do that--everyone says they are shy or I am intimidating. I don't have a steely look on my face or carry a gun, so I don't get it....whatever. I'm just a normal looking, average, girl next door type person!

09-10-2002, 12:59 AM
If this helps at all, I am moving from a school with 25k people to a school with 12k. And the school's in Montana, which only has 850k people in the entire state, so I'd say my chances are pretty slim for finding a girl. I am basically giving up on the idea of finding somebody, and I'm going to concentrate on my goal of being an architect, and I will spend my free time tearing it up in the mountains on my bike. If you have hobbies you enjoy, you don't necessarily need a significant other.

09-14-2002, 10:37 PM
Oh my goodness hunny, let me tell you I feel the same way as you....actually I was watching Cats and Dogs the other day thinking I am just like Janeane too!!! And before I go too far, I DEFINATLY do not think you asking guys out says your desperate, it just says you have enough (excuse the expression), balls to do so!! I've done it and been rejected, so it kinda makes me never want to do so again! As for the whole dating thing, I just kinda think well eventually I have to find someone..my friends tell me they think I am only going to date one guy and thats the guy I'll marry...I just wish at times he'd hurry up and meet me!! I wonder whats wrong with ME at times, whats wrong with guys that they cant see and amazing woman in me (cuz I know I am one!), but then other times I just dont care. Actually just a few months ago I met a guy I kinda like and my friends were amazed because they had never heard me talk the way I was about any guy. I truely have not had a 'crush' on a guy since high school!! So I just kinda think I have not met anyone worth MY time...not to sound rude, but thats how I put it now. So if you want to talk to someone who can truely understand how your feeling, just drop me a note :)

09-15-2002, 01:53 PM

"my friends tell me they think I am only going to date one guy and thats the guy I'll marry"--My friends say the same thing about me!!!!

I also have similar feelings about why guys don't show any interest in me.

Take care!

09-15-2002, 02:31 PM
I have to say its kinda wild to hear other people have the same problems as me when it comes to men! (or just opposite gender). Its just wild to think there are so many of us!! :) Makes me feel better!

09-16-2002, 08:33 AM
I can totally see where all of you are coming from. I have older guys from my work tell me all the time what a great catch I am, but the guys my age just don't seem to realize this yet!

The above phrase is for TosaGirl! I totally think step one in finding a real relationship is realizing what a wonderful person you are and knowing that you deserve better than all those juveniles that are out there. Hopefully a real man will come along sometime! I just hope it's sooner than later...for all of us, before we lose our sanity from waiting for so long!

09-16-2002, 10:14 AM
Hey thanks for the support. I know there is someone good out there, the thing that sucks is I meet them, but then I work with them....and we can't date (nor would I want to date) coworkers. I have this issue where I meet great guys then I just become good friends with them....It happens all the time....hot guy, got a crush, become really good friends where neither one wants to destroy the relationship....anyone else do that??? Its my fear of doing something about it before the friendship becomes so strong or damage it that freaks me out...so I never do it! Oh well.

Has anyone ever seen that email that has gone around with a woman sitting on a bench with her dog? it says "waiting for the perfect man" above it, and she is all dolled up, but its her skeleton and the dogs...good grief I hope thats not any of us, I know I am not 'waiting' for Mr. Perfect, but I have standards (and I blame it on my dad cuz of course I want someone like him, and he is awesome....so its his fault for being so great!!) and I am not willing to go back on my standards...I am a strong independent woman, and I just dont need a man to help me with anything!! Much less to be there to bug me all the time....ya know I hear my friends problems with men, but then I also see how very happy they are....and it puts me in a bind, do I choose to think of men as goons until I meet the right one, or do I choose to think of them as amazing and goons cuz they cant see a good thing??? Something to think about!


09-16-2002, 11:50 AM
Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only one :) I've been kind of freaking out lately because people around me are starting to get married and have kids and get into serious relationships and I haven't even been up to bat yet, lol. Also, reading about perfect young couples like Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. doesn't help either, lol. But I've decided to just concentrate on being the best I can be physically, emotionally, intellectually, etc. so that when Mr. Right does come along, I'll be ready :)

10-02-2003, 06:35 PM

I didn't go out with my 1st boyfriend until I was 19, so don't feel bad! And I ended up not even liking him! Don't give up!

10-08-2003, 04:05 PM
Well it looks like there was only one other male to post a comment under this message so I figured I would be the second. I am a 26 year old male who has never been in a serious relationship. Several dates and several blind dates. Blind dates have got to be one of the biggest wastes of time and scarey things I have ever done. Wow...starting to sound like someone attending an AA meeting....

I also fall into the mom wouldn't let me date early on followed by had no car followed by had no money syndrome that seems like many of you have faced.

I think everyone has those doubts and thoughts of ever finding the right person...I have no doubts that I will find her, get married, have kids, and have a great future. How can I be so sure? I think a lot of it has to do with my strong faith in God and that he has a plan worked out for me. My mom is not as excited about me putting it in God's hands and not going out prowling for a woman, but she will get over it. I think she wants grandkids.

Curious from the ladies...where is a good place to meet nice attractive single ladies? You hear the stories about book stores and laundry mats and grocery stores, but curious what you think. What would be your reaction if a guy flirted with you or asked you out at a grocery store or a book store? I have seen many attractive females at both of these locations with no rings (anyone else catch themselves looking at that finger when they meet someone?), but not sure of a good approach without sounding like a player.

Well, if anyone knows of a smart, intelligent, ambitious, and attractive young woman from near Pittsburgh that is looking for a funny guy with a great personality, passion, intelligence, and an all-around nice guy, please let me know or have her contact me! :-)

Curious to see all of your responses to this message as well read more in this category. Drop me a line if you want via Yahoo or AOL IM at dietzy2320 or email me.

Single male from Pgh who doesn't feel like doing work right now

10-08-2003, 04:21 PM
Hey Scott...

So where do guys like you hang out? I don't do bars and clubs that often, but everywhere else I go there are couples. I need single men, not attached ones! LOL

If a guy flirted with me and then proceed to ask me out, I'd probably say yes but be so surprised, wondering if his friends put him up to it as a joke, or something.

And yes, I look at hands for rings too...

10-08-2003, 04:33 PM
Quick reply there Jen...you must be bored. I am very busy with my own business which I think is one of the reasons that I am not as much into the dating scene. I will probably end up meeting "the one" through my business actually. But I do spend a lot of time at business networking events and bookstores. Bookstores are a great place to make business contacts and I am sure probably meet nice people too. At least you know they can read...well...maybe they just look at the pictures.

Glad to hear I am not the only one that checks the ring finger. So what would a guy say to you at a public place or in a store that would not scare you away. Keep in mind I am not a GQ or Abercrombie model or anything...just an average guy with what I think is a great personality.. ;-)

10-08-2003, 04:42 PM
Yes, I am ALWAYS bored, that's why I have the most posts ever. Hahaha.

So you are social--that is good! You're right, you will probably meet her via your business or business related events.

Well, if a guy just RAN up to me, I'd say no. But, if we were both in a long line at the grocery store and were chatting, and when it was time to go, he said, "It was really great talking to you. This is probably going to sound weird, but could I give you a call sometime/meet you for coffee/go bungee jumping?" I would be really surprised, but say, "Sure, let me give you my number." Then I would go home not expecting you to call. If you did, I would be even more surprised. Then we would talk, figure out a time/place, etc. There's nothing different about doing this than meeting someone via online.

I'm not a model either. Just a girl next door type, who's really sweet, a little shy, but has her act together.

10-08-2003, 07:47 PM
Curious from the ladies...where is a good place to meet nice attractive single ladies? You hear the stories about book stores and laundry mats and grocery stores, but curious what you think. What would be your reaction if a guy flirted with you or asked you out at a grocery store or a book store? I have seen many attractive females at both of these locations with no rings (anyone else catch themselves looking at that finger when they meet someone?), but not sure of a good approach without sounding like a player.

That would be awesome...you can get a better picture of who a person is at those places. I used to look into a guy's eyes first...now it's the left hand...guess the idealism is gone...on to reality.

And a simple hi, followed up w/ small talk would work...doesn't have to be anything brilliant...

I hate it when I can tell a guy is looking. We say hi and he looks befuddled/or shocked, then leaves...yeah I know I could say something, but call me old-fashioned, I like to be pursued.

10-09-2003, 09:38 AM

Well I wrote a really long reply to your message and computer hiccuped and I lost it. It was a really good reply too...grrrr...Let me see if I can remember some of it.

I definitely do agree that sprinting across the store to say hi to a woman is probably not the best approach. Afterall, breathing heavy and being all sweaty is probably not a good first impression.

Thanks for the insider info on the thought process of a woman being picked up at a grocery store. I think that inherently most men know that all they have to do is be nice and friendly and don't need pick up lines. But is always works in the movies and we think we can't just be normal and average...we somehow have to set ourselves apart from the competition. Must be the inate male competitiveness. We also really hate rejection. So even saying hi and having small talk might be hard for us to then to convert to "so...wanna get together some time?" I do like the way you worded it in your message though. Subtle and yet direct...not pushy and not all freak like. Ladies need to know and keep in mind that the male ego is a very fragile thing though...so laughing in our faces or not talking back is earth shattering to a lot of guys.

Nice girl next door, huh? Kind of a long drive to CT for coffee or dinner though. Have any friends in PA? Always open to referrals! ;-)

Change of gear...the internet. Obviously there are a million dating websites out there and chat rooms are highly popular. I am even hearing about people getting married that have originally met online. I certainly have my own experiences about the use of the internet and my own opinions, but I am curious what you and others might think about it. Is it effective? Is it a waste of time? Can you really find romance via the web? Ever done it? Funny stories? Scarey stories?

10-09-2003, 09:45 AM
How did you get the name paperjam? How old? where from? Safe to assume that you are female?

So have you had guys approach you in a store before? How did that go?

What were you looking for in the guys eyes? Looking for that crud in the corner of his eyes? Any color preference?

See my other posting and questions about the internet...curious about your input on that as well...

10-09-2003, 10:10 AM
Damn these computers, lol. You cracked me up with the image of some guy sprinting at me.

I look for nice guys to talk to at the grocery store. I even go late at night on weekdays b/c that's when most singles go. I would LOVE normal and average. That's all I want. I know male egos are just as fragile as females, but you guys just seem tougher!

Yes...definitely a long drive from CT to PA...oh well. There are no guys in CT. I do have a friend in PA--but Philly. She's on this board. You know who you are!!! LOL

I belong to match. I have had some contacts, but I'll write them back and then I never hear from them again. I've met 3 of them since I've joined (in April). One liked me WAAAY too much and practically wanted to have sex on the first date--I made it to date four before he stopped calling. One was weird and the date only lasted an hour. The last was really fun and we had a great time and HE mentioned doing something again. So I waited a few days, called him, he emailed me the next day saying he was swamped w/ work, I reply no problem just get back to me when you can. The next day I get an email saying that it's not going to work out, that I would find him a lot like my brother, etc. Grrr, why didn't he just say this was a good time, have a nice day? Then I wouldn't have been so shocked. I'm giving up on dating in general.

10-09-2003, 10:15 AM
I guess I would be another case of mid 20's and no real relationships. I went to a school with three months of school and three months of work was a semester. The only problem was I went to Flint, MI for school and Ft. Myers, FL for work. I got a great job out of it, and a bunch of friends that I will have for life in Michigan, but nothing could ever get serious because of my travel. I've dated and been "in a relationship", but never for long, because if I saw it wasn't going to work, I just ended it. I never did the"be just friends" thing because I don't like to string people along and I have enough friends.
I have always been kind of independent and just haven't found a girl I want to grow old with....
I feel all of the comments on this thread and agree completely about the left hand ring check and the whole bars and clubs thing (I go and drink and hang out with friends and entertain anyone that I am there with), not on a meat hunt anymore.
To add to this, I now go to the gym at 5:45 am to get away from the meat market feeling of the gym after work because I don't want to even worry about talking to girls there..... I just want to get my workout in.
There is a decent rambling for you guys to read....Any comments would be welcome....

10-09-2003, 11:31 AM
So tell me about this friend in Philly! :-) I am originally from the Poconos.

Late nights at the Grocery store, huh? Must be different here. Late night here is only stock clerks and grouchy people.

Sounds like you have similar experiences with the meeting people from online. I think the big thing to watch out for is filling in the blanks. I at least have had a tendency to meet someone online via a chat room or yahoo search or facethejury.com or something like that...have some common interests...chat for a period of time...even talk on the phone...but you only hear the good things. You never heard the negatives like that they take medication because they are a manic depressive or suicidal or something like that. So your mind simply fills in the gaps for you. Then when you meet in person you are way disappointed. For example, I could say I am 5'10", 195 with brown hair, very blue eyes, a medium build....decent description, but what does it really tell you? Your mind has to fill in the blanks and create a mental image for you which ends up being different than what you get. Know what I mean?

I think I might start a new string of conversation about the whole internet dating issue. I am sure I will see your response on there since you are the Queen of Comment. Thought you were kidding about that until I saw you had a million postings. I wish there was a way to search the people that are members by where they are from. Curious if there are any other PA people here. Have heard from a few. Well now I am rambling. Lunch time!

10-09-2003, 11:41 AM
She'll have to tell you herself. I've only chatted with her on IM and via QLC.

10-09-2003, 09:22 PM
Hang in there. I went on my first date at the age of 23 - so I got you beat there. Sometimes it's better to wait. That guy wasn't a very good one in my life but my last boyfriend - a total sweetheart (but unfortunatley right now he's going through what has all the signs of a quarterlife crisis). It'll happen for you.