New here, have questions

[bosshog]

So I am a neophyte, but I have browsed through these forums before and found them to be quite helpful and at least heartining to know I am not alone. My story is this; I have been out of school pushing three years, closing in on 24, and have recently gotten out of a relationship of 4 years-when it rains it pours I suppose. I got out of school, stayed away a year, was lonely and bored and moved home, but suddenly can't move out. I don't really like my hometown since I am not a native of it, but it is where my job is and I can't really complain about that except it leaves no room for a social life and no interaction with people my age. I am also questioning my "friends" from college. Don't get me wrong, we have fun, but I also think that i get left out of the loop a lot because of work and distance from them. So now that I have sounded like a big whiner, my question is this. I want to leave and just get away, meet new people, do something more meaningful and forget my ex. To me it seems to be the only thing I can do. However, I don't know what I want to do really or where I want to go, except that I want meaningful, lasting things in my life. Would moving achieve this, or what advice does anyone have to offer? thanks.

[wordsmith]

Getting a fresh start somewhere new isn't a bad step, but keep in mind that it's not a cureall, either, and def. has its challenges and downsides, too. But, it's not a bad plan when done for the right reasons. Someone on here once said not to forget that when you move, you take YOU with you...it's not like you can run away from what's bugging you. So you've got to keep that in mind. Maybe start to make a gameplan of where you might like to go.

Originally posted by bosshog
I don't really like my hometown since I am not a native of it, but it is where my job is and I can't really complain about that except it leaves no room for a social life and no interaction with people my age.

If you ever wanna bond about this, I'm your woman. I'm in the hometown, too, for a job, until it's time for the next step (likely some time this year). Exept I am a native, and I don't mind the town. But the other stuff, no social life, nobody my age...def. holds true.

[stonemonkey]

I think it depends. Some cities will probably suit your personality/lifestyle more than others, but then again, what's to say that some problems don't just directly transfer from one city to another, especially if the problem relates to how you, specifically, deal with things.

I wish I could move somewhere where there are no dipshits or assholes, but they seem to be everywhere.

[WeirdBrake]

I wish I could move somewhere where there are no dipshits or assholes, but they seem to be everywhere.

What about dipholes and ass-shits?

Bosshog... I agree with WS. I think getting a fresh start may be just what the doctor ordered for you. You don't sound like you're happy where you are, and maybe it would be good for you to branch out. So I think you should move. You're probably sick of your hometown, and that's probably more healthy than not. Just be careful to have some type of plan in mind before you move somewhere else, though.

[stonemonkey]

Originally posted by WeirdBrake


What about dipholes and ass-shits?



They live in the bizarro world, and annihilate their real world counterparts if they come into contact.

[bosshog]

Thanks for the advice. The hometown thing isn't so bad, its not like I don't have a single person here, I mean my family is here, but my ex and all that goes along is still too close even though she isnt in the same city. That is the biggest issue I have suppose. I don't have a plan really, but part of me doesn't want to stagnate and I think I would if I stuck around. Part of the reason to move is to just prove myself. Is that a wrong reason seeing that the issues lie mainly because of my surroundings and environment?

[WeirdBrake]

I don't have a plan really, but part of me doesn't want to stagnate and I think I would if I stuck around. Part of the reason to move is to just prove myself. Is that a wrong reason seeing that the issues lie mainly because of my surroundings and environment?

I think "striking out on your own" (is that what you meant by proving yourself?) and being independent are legitimate reasons to want to move. You have to do what's in your heart. If you feel your life is stagnating in your hometown, I'd encourage you to move. But you can't and shouldn't move unless you have some well-thought-out plan about what you're going to do (especially career-wise).

[stonemonkey]

I'm not saying don't go (if it were me, I think I'd go), but what's to stop you from meeting someone, breaking up with them, and then having the same problem in the new city? Maybe you just want a change, which I totally understand.

[bosshog]

yeah, stone, that's true too. I never considered that much. My mentality now is that she is dating, most likely, and that hurts me and makes me feel like I won't meet anyone. The anxiety of being alone, and not having a career and all this other stuff combine to motivate me to move. Just to see if the grass is greener, I need that clarity.

[stonemonkey]

Is she one of the main reasons?

[bosshog]

Yeah, I suppose. I found out a lot of stuff in the breakup and was hurt by it. It is like she has this bad spell over me though. I do not think rationally when it comes to her and this is actually more rational than setting around burning up about what she is doing and having to hear about it from friends or from her. I just think it would be good to have distance and cut off that part of my life.

[Desiderata]

I hear ya man. I was in a similar situation and ended up moving across the country. At the time, it was great, just what I needed. Luckily I had people to where I moved I already knew, so it was great. But once the newness wore off, I still had the issues to deal with etc (like when her mum writes and says she got married 6 months later). Crap like that snapped me back to reality and I had to deal with it. Though with the removal of a number of months and a new environment, it helped.

[Jedi of Zen]

If you think moving could be a serious option, this is my suggestion: Do some research on whatever cities/states you might be interested in moving to. (findyourspot.com is one site that I've found helpful). Then, save up some money and take a trip out to whatever place you're interested in. Take your time with this: the more time you spend researching/saving up money, the less likely your decision will be made hastily. This will also give you time to heal from your relationship, and make sure that this is truely what you want/need. I'm sort of in the process of doing this myself (I also live in a very small town; love being close to my family, but I'm just not where I want to live the rest of my life.)

[Aurelem]

Life is all about learning to grow and change with the world around us. It can be scary and exciting all at once. There is no one cure-all solution to what ails us. Life is a journey, and personal growth is a time-consuming process. Even though I know all of this, I tend to lose sight of this knowledge when I become overwhelmed with the things that bother me.

The best thing you can do is learn to identify the problems that bother you, and also identify the best solution which you can implement to make more positive changes. Therein lies the trick, I know. It's easy to say, but it's not so easy to do, especially when you find yourself lost in the midst of the storm.

To give you a clue about my life, I'm a single, 27-year-old guy. I live on my own in my hometown. It's a typical small town in southern Illinois, so not much ever seems to happen here. I pretty much grew up living in this town, but my family did move away during the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school. After several years, my family returned, and so did I.

I live in a mobile home, which I own for all intents and purposes. The deed is actually in my name, and my name alone. My parents loaned me the money to buy it from my aunt, and I pay them back to the best of my ability. I rent the lot on which it sets from my aunt. She lives across the alley from me. I live alone except for a pet cat.

I also own my car outright for all intents and purposes. Again, my name is the only name listed on the deed. Also, again, my parents loaned me the money to buy it, and I pay them as I can afford. Otherwise, I pay all insurance and upkeep.

For the last few years that I've lived here, I've basically just focused on my job since it pays the bills. I work as a clerk at a local convenience store. I've worked just about every facet of the job imaginable in the time I've been there. I've worked every shift as needed, and have been up the management ladder and back down (by my own choice, I should add). It's not a terrible job, but I do have those days when I wonder why I bother. Overall, I work well with my supervisor and co-workers. I know most of the store's regular customers on a first name basis, and can usually guess what they will want as soon as I see them walk through the doors. Yes, it sounds good, but there are days that it all feels empty, meaningless, and thankless. On the bad side, hours have been cut, so paychecks are dwindling. Even worse, there is talk that the company might sell out, so we might lose our jobs altogether. You never know. Mostly, I try to look at it as just a stepping stone toward better things. I get through the bad days by thinking about the goals I have in mind for the future.

My social life basically revolves around my family and friends of the family. As I said, I'm single. I don't have a girlfriend, and I haven't even been on a real date in quite some time. I'm not sure that I'm even worried about the dating and relationship issue, but it would be nice if I could find someone special. There are plenty of acquaintances around town, so I always run into someone to whom I can talk. However, it's just friendly small talk. Aside from that, I feel like most of my "close friends" have moved on to seek their own lives. I don't experience much peer interaction with someone who really gets me. Being this is a small town, most of the social activity takes place in the bars. There's nothing wrong with barhopping, but I don't like going out like that unless I am with a group of friends. I went to the bars by myself a few times, but either found myself sitting alone waiting for someone interesting to come along, or found myself chatting with people who just were not my type.

That's pretty much the status quo of my life. It's not great by any means, but it could be worse. I'm not miserable over it. I find ways to amuse and entertain myself for short periods of time. At the same time, I don't feel like I qualify as a happy person either. I try not to brood too much over the things that bother me. I try to concentrate on finding what will make life seem better. It's like some kind of twisted roller coaster ride.

There are some things changing, so I still hold onto the hope that it will get better. I am planning to go back to school in the fall. First, I have to get my taxes done and see if I qualify for financial aid. I'm looking at a radiography program (x-ray and medical imaging) at a local community college. Otherwise, in the last few months, I have sort of reconnected with an old girl friend from college. We have e-mailed and called each other frequently in the last few months, but it has been several years since we have actually seen each other face-to-face. I'm encouraged because she seems to be in the same boat. It seems as though we have as much in common as we did in college. The main difference is that we're both older and more experienced in dealing with the real world, perhaps both more guarded and a little cynical. The major drawback is distance -- I live in Illinois and she lives in Tennessee. We do have plans to meet each other in person toward the end of next month. It's too early to tell what direction it is heading, but I feel positive and she sounds eager about getting together.

I guess the point is that you never know what direction life will take next. I have some very good things that keep me going, but I also have some bad things that I dread facing in the near future. All in all, it's just another day in paradise.

[NoDirection]

Bosshog, great screen name. Anyhow, the first thing to remember about breakups is that girls always land on their feet and every little thing you hear about her is going to upset you. Yes, she'll date and find a new boyfriend while you're still trying to get over her. That's what they do. And yes, it'll hurt. My advice? Take advantage of your new freedom and go travelling. That's what I always tell people. When in doubt or despair, hit the road. It's good for the soul. You'll meet new people and see new things and the experience will serve you well for years to come. It was the best thing I ever did.

[Jedi of Zen]

Aurelem - that is awesome. Your situation is faintly similiar to mine. You sound very balanced, and wise. Kudos!

[bosshog]

Hey folks. Sorry that is has been a while. Aurelem, your advice is good. You have to be thankful for what you have, not what you do not have. I had forgotten this for a long time, and part of that I suspect was the person I was with. I am not naturally probably that complicated. If I think back to my life before I met her, it was getting good in some ways I think. Then this relationship changed my life a lot. The good thing is I know a lot more about myself from this. The job, well, it's not really what I want, but until I find something that is better, it will do. I really liked your advice no direction. I did go away this weekend to visit a couple old college friends in the city where they are living. That was great because I realized that I am not alone in my fears and struggles. I don't really have these kind of "deep" conversations with my male friends, but it was cool. I think we are all sort of relying upon one another to bring value to our lives and sort these things out. The other thing you said about women always landing on their feet is so true. It is the biggest thing that hurts, but I think it hurts because it takes away a lot of confidence. On the other hand, she isn't the first girl I have dated(just the first very serious one), and she I am sure will not be the last. It is a slow thing to regain confidence after being hurt like that, but the other day on the way home one of my buds told me he has never gotten over a gf, he has never gotten over the hurt. I guess you just turn the page.

[Aurelem]

Thanks, Jedi. I like to think I'm balanced -- somedays I feel like I succeed at living my life, and somedays I feel like I fail. LOL! Seriously, though, I've learned that the most realistic approach in life is not to be so optimistic about things that you get your hopes up, but also don't be so pessimistic that you expect to fall everytime you try to climb. Like the saying says, life is a journey, not a destination.

Bosshog, it's natural to feel some jealousy when an ex-girlfriend seems to land on her feet again before you've had time to recover. Obviously I don't know your circumstances, so I can't really say much about it. I can tell you about the view I've come to see based on my own circumstances, though. Most of the girls I've dated were just short-lived attractions, so I got over it fairly quickly after the initial sting quit hurting. There was only one girl who lingered on my mind for a long time after it was over. That turned out to be one long page of history. The short version is that she strung me along through some horrible nightmare of a drama, then dumped me for someone else. She had a lot of issues, and I was just trying to survive my own issues. Like I said, it took a while to get over it. I completely gave up hope of finding the right woman, and quit dating altogether. I turned my attention toward building my own life. After a couple of years, we met again through some mutual friends. She expressed an interest in getting together again, and proceeded to tell me about how she'd made some changes in her life. I grudgingly gave her a chance to earn my friendship again. She confided in me about the sordid details of her life since we'd parted ways. For the next couple of months, it seemed like it could go better as we were reconciling our differences about the past. Even so, I just didn't feel eager enough to let my guard down. We went on a few trial dates, and they did go well. Then, I became ill with some kind of flu-like bug, and spent about a month cooped up at home fighting it. I was too weak to get out of bed through most of that time. She never called during any of that time to see where I was, so I took it as a sign of old times. We later talked on IM, and she asked me then what had happened to me. I told her about being sick, but decided not to launch into the rest of what I felt. I just decided to quietly let it end at acquaintanceship. We still talk some, but not very much. It was just as well because we've both moved on with our lives. I've learned through mutual friends that she still has a lot of the same personal problems, so I figure it is just as well. I know she is involved with some guy. They live together, but I don't think they're really that happy according to some of our mutual friends. I do feel sorry for her that she can't seem to keep her life together. I just hope she can find the right path for herself some day.

As for me, I'm still working on building my life. I'm working at my job to save as much money as I can. I'm working to resolve old credit card debts accrued from my college days. I'm planning to go back to school in the fall if I can qualify for financial aid. I've since started to reconnect with an old college girl friend. She was one of my best friends in college, and there always has been a mutual attraction between us. All of our friends said we were the couple that should have been, but never was. It just never seemed that our circumstances were favorable to make it work. The biggest obstacle is that we live two states apart, but we frequently e-mail and call each other. We've even started making plans to meet in-person next month. This will make the first time in about four years that we've seen each other face-to-face. Now, she and I had a pretty good history of friendship, and it seems like we could have a bright future if it all works out.