What to do re:friend

[Tayl405]

Everyone always said, and it's so true, the older we get, the harder it is to maintain friendships.

A friend of mine from school, who lives in another state, came into town this weekend for her graduation. A month or so ago I told her that I would love to go if I could, but considering that my life was so up in the air (I didn't know if I'd be working, or even living in Philly), I would have to wait until pretty much last min. to decide.

Well, I totally forgot about it. Maybe that's awful of me, but I've had SO much going on in my life, social obligations have been the absolute least on my list of priorities. And she knows this. So she called me this afternoon and left me a message saying that she's in town and can't wait to see me tomorrow. I called her back and said I couldn't go (I'll meet her out for a couple drinks tomorrow night though) and she's mad at me. Which kinda pisses me off because I never committed to it, and it hasn't even been discussed in a least a month.

I really like her and don't want to hurt her feelings, but I feel like every time she's in town she expects me to drop what I'm doing and meet her wherever she is. And she doesn't give me much heads up either, she never reminds me when she's coming. It's like, she's on vacation so she expects other people to be too. I know I shouldn't, but I feel bad that she's mad at me. But I can't handle high-maintenance/needy friends right now. I'm struggling so hard to put my life together and get on my own two feet.

It's just that it's not the first time with her also. I'm having a hard time managing my life right now (personally and family-wise), so I really need low-maintainence, laid-back friends.

Am I awful for this?

[winneythepooh7]

I understand completely. I have a friend who is a doctor and every time she wants to hang out, it is generally inconvient for me. Take today for example, she called me late last night and asked if I wanted to get discount tickets to see a play tonight in Manhattan. I can't do that though because you have to be there between 3&5 and I don't get home from work until at least 6. Plus she is single and I am not so that puts a barrier between us already if you know where I am going with this.........And she is also one of those woman who isn't ready to go out until like 10 or 11. I am ready for bed by then!! Sad, I know, but I get up between 5&6 EVERY day and bars and clubs, well, they just don't mean anything to me anymore really.

[midtwenty]

She's pretty damn selfish, if you ask me. Were I you, I'd go on about my life as needed and not worry about whether or not she's pissed off. A real friend would try to be understanding and make allowances for life circumstances. Not show up out of the blue and expect special treatment. Pfft. People are stupid.

[GetMeOuttaDC]

hell, no you aren't selfish...

why don't you give her another shot and tell her exactly what you told us? If you do care about her, she's worth the time and effort to explain the situation and your feelings.

If she is any kind of a true friend, she will understand.

The disasters she goes through are nothing in proportion to what I deal with (and my disasters are nothing in proportion to what some other people deal with, etc), so it would be hard for me personally to get upset with you if I were in her shoes, but when people have had their lives too easy, little things seem like catastrophes. It's whether or not she's mature enough to realize disaster in proportion to her own life vs. disaster in proportion to reality.

[hopeless]

I feel your pain Tayl405. I had a friend whom I've known since junior high. Few yrs. ago she moved to California. I got a chance to visit her & the trip didn't exactly go the way I wanted since she had to work her p/t hrs. & other stuff. I always made the effort to keep in touch thru e-mail, phone, & letters, but she other the hand made no effort despite her saying she's bad at keeping in touch & doesn't seem to do anything about it. I realize that in order to keep friendships alive it requires teamwork, one person along can't make it work without the other person doing their part & she wasn't doing her part. It's one of the hardest things I had to do, but I did it, I stopped contacting her. I'm no longer gonna waste my time calling & writing to her. My two other friends at least make an effort, I'm not expecting them to put 100% of the effort, as long as they keep in touch thru whatever means & that they are trying, that's all that matters to me.