Need advice - friendship

[blueyes]

So my best female friend from college has dropped off the radar. We've known each other for over seven years now, but since she's been dating this guy (again) - nothing. I initiated the last five phone calls, and only spoken to her three times since New Year's. She didn't contact me re: my birthday (which, if she forgot, she forgot). I called her on Sunday, sort of seeking forgiveness for any slights (real or imagined) that I would have caused with regards to her boyfriend. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I'm hurt like crazy. I miss her like you can't believe. I have no other female friends in the area at all - all of my HS friends have moved away from Pittsburgh (good on them!) and the remainder of my college friends are guys (with one exception and we were never close).

Do I just let things go and move on? Or should I keep trying to maintain contact - give her a call once a month or something? I feel like that would be sort of stalker-ish/lame...but I'm so torn about what to do.

[kitalyn414]

have you asked her what the deal is?

[pisces2473]

I can totally empathize with you. My "best friend" from college pulled this same shit, apparently because I was being passive agressive about things in her life and that hurt her, but fucking neglected to tell me about it until she had had enough and just up and ended our friendship without ONE word of warning. This was after I was her roomie for 3 years, in her wedding, etc etc. Her reasoning for not telling me was that she tried to ignore it, then she got too stressed with working (oh no) her husband being a first year lawyer for a big firm (um you knew that when you married him) and being pregnant (hi, birth control), all while living with her parents. Like my life isn't stressful? But if someone's bothering me AND I VALUE THEIR FRIENDSHIP, I tell them. I finally emailed her after she didn't RSVP to a party I was having (VERY unlike her) and after she sent me a very cold thank you note for this needlepoint thing I made her for a wedding gift which took MONTHS to make (also very unlike her). I emailed her saying how I hadn't heard from her in awhile, what's new, etc and I get this email from hell back from her which said that she was to blame for our friendship ending because she didn't speak up sooner, but you know what? It made NO sense, because if it was her fault, she could have done something about it. And she didn't. She was "too stressed" planning a wedding, dealing with her husband working, getting herself knocked up, etc. while I sat by my boyfriend's bed in ICU when he almost died, in rehab when he relearned to walk, etc.

She didn't even sound SORRY things had ended. It was almost like I was a piece of paper that she just tossed in the garbage. Nice huh?

So fuck her (your friend). If she wanted to maintain your friendship, she would have. She sees you making an effort but doesn't care. It sucks, but you have to move on. I felt totally lame about what went down between me and my friend, esp. since I had no control over it. But I feel better now that I don't have her in my life since she obviously didn't care about me or mine.

[blueyes]

have you asked her what the deal is?
I've been indirect about it. Do you think coming right out and being blunt would work? I've got practically nothing else left in my bag o' tricks - and literally nothing else to lose. :torn:

[blueyes]

Jen, I'm really sorry...that's incredibly suck to go through. :hug: What you lived is one of my 'worst-case scenarios' I've played out in my head. :(

[pisces2473]

Yeah, I got all of that info from her in one email. I didn't even reply. Why bother?

If you aren't ready for the answer she might give you, don't ask the question. That's all I have to say. All I did was say "What's new?" and I got that terrible email in reply. She had been purposely avoiding me and probably was NEVER going to "end" it with me, which is just as passive aggressive as she accused me of being.

[blueyes]

I would rather know now. I would rather take the hit now while I have friends and family around for support, than wait and wait and wait and agonize...

[pisces2473]

I understand. I was so glad I had my friends at work around when I opened the email at work. And the QLCers too :) And my boyfriend/family. It wasn't pretty. I cried the entire day--that's how much it hurt.

[kitalyn414]

you should definitely be upfront about your concerns. maybe shes so wrapped up in her own shit that she doesnt even know you are pissed. one thing is when you confront her, i would pay more attention to her tone and body language than what she says. she may lie.

sorry... girls can be so crappy.

i really think that you should say something though. why keep setting yourself up for dissappointment. she's not fulfilling her end of the friendship bargain here and you should tell her. put it on your terms and tell her if she can't be more available and kind to you, that you are going to end the friendship because you refuse to constantly reach out to someone who rejects you. perhaps she will realize the gravity of the situation.

[blueyes]

So I dropped the clothes she'd lent me/left at my house off at her pharmacy. Didn't make a scene, didn't even see her (saw her car, heard her - so yes, she was there), just left the bag with her pharmacy tech. I then dropped her a text message, which essentially was like 'sorry for dropping in @ work. let me know if you want me gone' (a bit more eloquently put, though). Then she proceeds to text message me back, saying 'no no no - you've got it all wrong - i've just been busy'.

GAH. I sound like some effed-up, love-lorn ex...I need to pull myself together. I'm not going to be jerked around anymore; I need effing closure and getting the last of her stuff out of my house was it. Next move is her's.

[Bugsey34]

My best friend the senior year of high school (high school was a long time ago, but still) was totally like this. I spent every day with her, all summer after high school, and then she slowly dropped off the face of the earth after school. She had already done this with someone else I knew too, so I should have known.

Like an idiot I kept calling her every once in a while, she was always at the gym or out or whatever. Then one time I called and her mom answered (her mom and I would always chat and really liked each other, her parents were really cool), and I could actually hear her in the background saying "tell her I'm not here". Well that was the last time I ever tried to reach her. Every once in a while I wonder where she is, especially since she went to NYU and now I'm living in New York City. But then I also think "what a nut."

[hopeless]

You would think you would know your closest friends esp. when you need their support & listening the most. I thought I had a friend like that, who lives out west. I was always the one keeping contact, while she didn't put the effort to contact me back & it hurts since I can't be the one to help with her problem, only she can do that herself. The last I heard of her was when she sent me a Christmas card mentioning her new address & phone # & wishing me happy holidays & that was it. I had no clue why she moved or if she has a new job, does she have the place to herself, no crap from her whatsoever! Since then I haven't bothered to contact her since & I still don't.

[paiger81]

I'm pretty sure this is what has happened with my best friend from high school. I mean we were ALWAYS together, then after we graduated high school, she got married & moved to Dallas, I went off to college. We still used to e-mail each other every few weeks, and swing by each other's parent's house whenever we were back home. I was planning on going to law school in Dallas and she was totally for it.

Back in January, I sent out an email to her about my new job and what was going on in my life. No reply. I waited a few more weeks, then sent another "Hey what's up" e-mail....again nothing. SO right now I'm kind of like the ball is in her court, she is supposed to graduate this May so I'm thinking/hoping she is just too busy with that to be able to talk. I don't know.....growing up sucks.