My family is driving me crazy

[paiger81]

OK, so my parents have pretty much had it with my brother living with them. Some may suggest he is in QLC mode, but he’s not. He has never felt the need to move out of the house, never had a job, has spent 4 years working towards his associates degree(still has about a year to go), and has at times made statements that infer he does not think my mom will survive without him.

So my parents brilliant idea is for him to come live with me in May. The offered to split all the bills with me & give me a down payment on a 2 bedroom townhome….basically I am being bribed, only my parents would not use that word. I’m cool with it, cause I’ll be able to save a hell of a lot of money.

Now we get to my brother. Whenever my brother has to make an adult decision the first thing he does is say it is to much for him & grabs his bottle of Zanac. For some reason, after being told he will be moving down here, he becomes mister noble. He doesn’t want to move down here until he finds a job so he can “pay his own way”. The problem I have with this is that my lease is up in May, and I was planning on looking at 2 bedroom places since he was coming to stay with me. Well, my bro does not seem to understand that he really has no choice in the matter and WILL be coming to live with me, cause my parents want him to finally be out on his own(even though they are still paying for it). They have pretty much left it up to me to get him to understand this, because they feel I could relate to him more. In theory, this might work, but in reality my brother seems to think I am trying to force him to do what I want.

Sorry so long, just needed to rant.

[midtwenty]

And what, exactly, is it you're supposed to do to help your brother "grow up" when he moves in with you? Forgive me for saying so, but you're not his babysitter. They're basically exchanging his co-dependence on them for co-dependence on you, and that's not going to help him. It's just going to drag you down with him. I'm sorry, but I don't see his situation improving by this. If they really want him out they should tell him to get out and give him a deadline. If he doesn't meet it then they should pack his stuff, put it on the front porch and change the locks. Harsh, I know, but a helluva lot better than foisting him off on their other child. That is really unfair to you.

[Skyblade]

How old is your brother? Does he currently pay rent for staying at your parents house?

My brother is similar in that it took him what seemed like forever (6 years) to get through junior college and he is STILL living at home. However, he does not have to help pay for any of the bills, which bothers me cuz even just requiring him to pay rent would teach him a little more responsibility.

[paiger81]

Mid20-If it was up to my dad, he would have been locked out of the house years ago.

Skyblade-He's 21, doesn't pay rent or anything.

I think the process we(parents & i) are going for is that I am a lot like my dad. If he lives with me, and whines that he has no money, I can tell him "tough crap, make a budget,learn to live on it" as opposed to my mom who will just give him money cause she's scared he's gonna have a mental break. She has always treated him "gently", which is probably why he now is how he is.

[Skyblade]

Yeah, the tough love thing may work out better.

My mom is the same way with my brother, my brother pretty much walks all over her.

[paiger81]

Yep, whenever my brother takes his Zanac my mom completely falters on any type of argument. When I ask her about it, since I too have been on Zanac and why she would still have adult conversations with me her response is "Well, you were built stronger than your brother, you know he's been off since he was a child".

There are times when my brother seems to want to learn about being in the real world. But whenever it gets hard, he gives up so quickly. My mom tried setting up a checking account for him, they put $100/month in it. Well, after bouncing checks because of lack of funds, the account was closed. My brother is intelligent, too, just missing life skills that most people should have. Again, whenever we'd try to teach him, he'd get frustrated and give up.

[Radgirl]

Oh paige, this doesn't sounds like a good situation at all. Your parents may be trying to help you out with a down payment for a townhouse, but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Not to sound critical or mean, but no amount of help from my parents would make me want to take in my brother who can't take care of himself. He's got to change for himself. No one is going to do it for him.

[pisces2473]

My brother's the same way, Paige...lacking certain life/social skills because of childhood illnesses and depression. While your parents' idea is interesting and would help you out in the long run, I wouldn't want that "responsibility" of having my brother around. Why are they pawning him off on you? That's shitty.

[GetMeOuttaDC]

Yep, whenever my brother takes his Zanac my mom completely falters on any type of argument.

he and your mom are aware that Zanax is not a long-term solution? You are supposed to take it for SHORT periods of time (no more than a few months) and limit yourself to 1-2 a day. Stay on it much longer and it effs up your heart, bones, and kidneys.

Whenever my brother has to make an adult decision the first thing he does is say it is to much for him & grabs his bottle of Zanac.

It sounds like he's using it to be a manipulative little punk anyway!

not to be a bitch, Mid, I think Paige's parents are pawning some responsibility, but she's definitely getting more than compensated financially:

The offered to split all the bills with me & give me a down payment on a 2 bedroom townhome….basically I am being bribed, only my parents would not use that word. I’m cool with it, cause I’ll be able to save a hell of a lot of money.

[paiger81]

I think my dad may have given my mom an ultimatum. My mom will NEVER kick my brother out on the street, she'd leave my dad first. By sending him to live with me, they are hoping he will see what someone our age is supposed to live like. If they sent him out to live on his own, he probably would have a breakdown.

Again, I think he wants to learn how to be an adult, but with my mom constantly willing to do everything for him, he's never really been given the opportunity. I mean, I am hardly ever at home to begin with, so he'd essentially be able to experience life with a safety net(me). I am even trying to include him on coming with me to look at places to live.

[pisces2473]

Why are they bribing him off on you? You aren't the "other" parent to take over. If they made him the way he is, then there's nothing you can do about it. I'm not trying to be a bitch, I go through the EXACT same shit with my brother who's lazy, 23, hasn't held a part time job in years, only takes ONE class a semester at a CC, and doesn't do much around the house.

[paiger81]

and doesn't do much around the house.

That is one thing I will give him credit for. He does all his own laundry, washes dishes and will cook on occasion for my parents. He is also a really good gardener. My dad has been lollygagging over putting a patio in & my brother did it for him.

He has also managed to get his apprentice license, and apparently is really good at his electrician classes, though the thought of him working on electricity freaks me out. In the past few months he HAS been looking for a job back home but with no luck I think his handwriting(he has severe dyslexia) may be what is deterring possible employers.

I don't know I keep going back and forth between wanting him to come down, think I could help him, and wanting him to stay with my parents because it's not my responsibilty.

[pisces2473]

Holy Crap. My parents have to leave my brother a DETAILED list in order for him to do anything, complete with times they want things done by, or he'll sit around all day, b/c it doesn't "click" with him that you need to put dinner in the oven before mom and dad come home. He doesn't cook--but he will put things in the oven, make a salad, etc if you ask him to. He does his own laundry, I think...but he'll say to my mom, "We're out of detergent," instead of him hiking his ass to the store and getting some himself. He has got a new truck when he turned 20, just because I got a new car when I was 20--but hello, I was a full time student who worked her ass off both in class and in jobs to make money. My dad rides his ass all the time and my mom used to be a real pushover, but she's gotten harder and still there's no change. He has no motivation to do anything, not too many friends, is overweight...he's a super nice kid, he just is in this limbo stage and won't get a fucking clue. It's so aggravating when people ask how he's doing and what's he up to...b/c the answer is "nothing" and then they ask why.

[coll214]

Oh paige, I sympathize. It just doesn't sound like a good situation if he doesn't want to live with you. I hope at least that the two of you do get along? Trust me, living w/ a sibling as an adult definitely has it's wrinkles. when my mother kept threatening that she was moving 3k miles away, I offered to get a place w/ my sister since I knew she couldn't do it on her own... and oh yeah, Mom is still in the same house :googly:.

[Morgan81]

That actually sounds like a good plan to me, provided you don't mind living with him.
If you aren't around much and he has to do his laundry, find something to eat, etc. It is forcing him to be an adult in a way that is much nicer than changing the locks.
Who knows it might do the kid some good, and this way he won't end up on the streets.

[pisces2473]

Yeah, but Coll, Erin has:
1. A job
2. A car
3. Motivation
4. A college degree
5. Common sense

[paiger81]

Pisces, we used to have to leave detailed lists, but in the past year it appears he figured out what to do on his own, the hope is that he is just "slow to develop"

Coll-He goes through stages of wanting to live with me & saying he'll stay at home. My big issue is that if I get a 2 bedroom & he decides he doesn't want to live with me, i'm screwed. But if I get a 1 bedroom place & he decides to live with me, i'm screwed. Basically I just want an official answer before I have to sign a lease or purchase a place!

[coll214]

Yeah, but Coll, Erin has:
1. A job
2. A car
3. Motivation
4. A college degree
5. Common sense

I wasn't saying we're in the same situation; not by a long shot... Just that living w/ a sibling can create uh, difficulties you wouldn't even think of.

[pisces2473]

My brother definitely has ADD issues as well, but jesus christ, there are dyslexic doctors and stuff in the world--they fought through their disabilities to get where they are. Why can't my brother just "get it"????

[pisces2473]

I wasn't saying we're in the same situation; not by a long shot... Just that living w/ a sibling can create uh, difficulties you wouldn't even think of.
LOL like boys? ;)

[paiger81]

I wasn't saying we're in the same situation; not by a long shot... Just that living w/ a sibling can create uh, difficulties you wouldn't even think of.

My parents realize it wouldn't be a peachy situation all the time. My mom lived with her brother when they were in there 20's.

I do get what you are saying, my bro still freaks out when me & Kirk(SO) stay in the same hotel room together. Which is wierd since my parents have no problems with it.

[coll214]

My parents realize it wouldn't be a peachy situation all the time. My mom lived with her brother when they were in there 20's.

I do get what you are saying, my bro still freaks out when me & Kirk(SO) stay in the same hotel room together. Which is wierd since my parents have no problems with it.
LOL, that's funny. It just sucks b/c no matter how much you argue, they are always going to be around.

LOL like boys?
How'd ya guess?? :p

[paiger81]

Ok, so first thing to do if he moves down here is to find him a job, then find him a girlfriend so he will not pay attention to what I am doing :cool:

[paiger81]

WIERD! My brother just called me to talk! I asked him if he really wanted to move down here or was he just doing it cause he was being forced to. He said he is stressed and not sleeping well because my dad keeps telling him he is supposed to get a job or else. My dad is one of those unrealistic people who feels that because you are in college there are magically jobs available to you.

My bro said he wanted to move down here, but was scared that my parents expected him to live down here for the rest of his life. He then said he really wanted to move out of state in the next few years.

I told him that no one expected him to live here forever, and i have no intentions of staying down here forever(Florida is looking better & better) but that I thought this area would be a good place for him to get experience(there are a lot of job opportunities in his field down here). I also explained that my dad is in a wierd place right now(we think he's going through his mid life crisis) and to not worry about him :googly: and that my bro isn't expected to have all the answers right now. Bro again mentioned wanting to have a job before moving down here. I suggested that when he moves down here to get a part time job(waiter?) and he could be responsible for the cable & water bills......I figure that gives him a feeling of responsibility. He seemed ok with that concept.

I really kind of feel sorry for him cause he sounded depressed....

[tina1979]

maybe he feels like your parents don't want him anymore. That could be why he is going back and forth on not wanting to live with you, and the reason he sounds so depressed. He probably knows its not true, but sometimes knowing something doesn't always make the feeling go away.

[paiger81]

Talked with my mom and apparently my dad has been making very unhealthy comments about being tired of my brother being "one of those" type of children. My dad probably thinks he is helping in a wierd way, but all it is doing is tearing down my brothers self esteem.

[pisces2473]

Yup, same thing as my dad/brother. My dad is mean, thinking it will help. It doesn't. No one knows how to help Jack.

[paiger81]

I'm wondering if maybe because my brother is a guy, that's why my dad is so hard on him? I mean my dad NEVER complained to me about not having a job for 8 months....but then again I have worked since I was 14 years old(by choice).

[pisces2473]

It could be. Any time when I've had issues, it's been fine with my dad for me to slack off. But not Jack. Like you, Paige, I've worked since I was 12 doing babysitting. My mom even told me that my dad would rather leave me everything or most of everything (when they die) since I "deserve" it and Jack doesn't, because he never worked hard. He's not being mean, it's just how he sees things. My mom thinks that because they have 2 children, it should be divided equally.

ETA: and I am always being told "if things get too hard, you can move back here, you know that, right???"

[paiger81]

I know, my dad has said repeatedly that he would love it if I moved back home........not happening. I told him he'd have to move down here.

As for leaving stuff to us. The way my parents have it set up, everything is divided, but my brothers part is/will be set in a trust fund that I have to approve in order for him to get.

[midtwenty]

not to be a bitch, Mid, I think Paige's parents are pawning some responsibility, but she's definitely getting more than compensated financially:

No no, you're not being a bitch. :)
IMO, the "financial compensation" isn't worth it. They're trying to pay her to take responsibility for her brother. That's not her job and SO not cool in my book.

paiger's folks may think they're forcing their son to go out and grow up, but I predict he will just transfer his behavior to paiger's home. Then she's stuck with him and no way to get him out. It's six in one hand, half a dozen in the other.

paiger, you mom has done him NO favors treating him "gently" all this time. The world is NOT a gentle place. And now he doesn't have the correct coping skills. It's unfair for them to think in any way, shape or form that you can somehow teach him these skills and still maintain your own life.

In further response, GM, I have two sisters who are, for lack of a better term, fucking WORTHLESS. If my parents called me TONIGHT and said they would pay off my mortgage for me if I'd just move ONE of them into my house and show them how a responsible adult lives and the right paths to take for success, I'd STILL tell them no. I mean, no mortgage payment would be an unbeliveable blessing, but not at the cost of having my dysfunctional sibling dragging at my teat for God knows how long. Because that's exactly what would happen.

[GetMeOuttaDC]

In further response, GM, I have two sisters who are, for lack of a better term, fucking WORTHLESS. If my parents called me TONIGHT and said they would pay off my mortgage for me if I'd just move ONE of them into my house and show them how a responsible adult lives and the right paths to take for success, I'd STILL tell them no. I mean, no mortgage payment would be an unbeliveable blessing, but not at the cost of having my dysfunctional sibling dragging at my teat for God knows how long. Because that's exactly what would happen.

But aren't your two sisters self-destructive screw ups? ie, semi-dangerous to have around? Sorry sorry sorry if I'm thinking of someone else!!!

It sounds like Paige's brother just needs a reality bitch-slap so he can grow up.

[pisces2473]

One of my biggest fears is my parents dying at one time, or close together...because that means I'll have to deal with my brother.

[paiger81]

paiger, you mom has done him NO favors treating him "gently" all this time. The world is NOT a gentle place. And now he doesn't have the correct coping skills. It's unfair for them to think in any way, shape or form that you can somehow teach him these skills and still maintain your own life.

See, the way I see it, my mom did coddle him to much, but my dad was the extreme opposite and always told him to "be more of a man". My brother has always been effeminate, though he isn't gay, though he does remind me of Will from Will & Grace.

I feel that he was always told how he was "supposed" to act, that now he doesn't know who he is. I'm hoping that by him being with me, with no expectations of him(other than getting a job) that he will be able to figure it out.


Pisces- I'd have to have my brother committed if my mom dies any time soon.

[midtwenty]

But aren't your two sisters self-destructive screw ups? ie, semi-dangerous to have around? Sorry sorry sorry if I'm thinking of someone else!!!

It sounds like Paige's brother just needs a reality bitch-slap so he can grow up.

You're TOTALLY thinking of someone else (which is cool, there are a lot of us on these boards). They aren't dangerous. Screw-ups, yes. Dangerous to themselves or anyone else, no.
My sisters are just lazy, worthless, good-for-nothing, why-doesn't-the-world-take-care-of-me, lay around on their ass all day watching Jerry Springer, no-job-havin', idle, lethargic sloths who whine and moan that they don't have nice clothes, a decent car or a nice place to live. And then have the audacity to tell our parents that it's not fair that I have all those things - as if I don't work my ass off every single day.

I totally agree that a bitch-slap needs administering, post-haste.

[shinyleaf]

I've said it once and I'll say it again. Paige & Pisces - we share the same brother. My parents also thought it would be a good idea if he lived with me, but i don't get "compensated" for it. That's ok, because I really want him to figure life out too... but not at the expense of my own mental health. My parents go between being really "gingerly" with him (he also is on anti'dep's) and pulling the tough love. They've sworn tough love again recently, and I sure hope they stick to it (not giving him $$, bailing him out). If they had done this when he was 18, I can't even imagine how much more adaptive he'd be. He's a really nice guy and has scads of intellect and talent... just avoids sacrifice like the plague.

Paige, do not allow this to happen, because your mom will just project all her worry through you, and you will end up feeling responsible for him, if my case is any indication. My only saving grace is that I am only roomates with my brother for 4 more months. I don't know what he's going to do afterward, but I've finally come to realize that's not my problem, nor is it my job to mold him into a proper adult.

I guess in some ways it's better that if they are going to pay his way, at least you benefit, but be sure that you will NOT benefit psychologically.

[midtwenty]

See, the way I see it, my mom did coddle him to much, but my dad was the extreme opposite and always told him to "be more of a man". My brother has always been effeminate, though he isn't gay, though he does remind me of Will from Will & Grace.

I feel that he was always told how he was "supposed" to act, that now he doesn't know who he is. I'm hoping that by him being with me, with no expectations of him(other than getting a job) that he will be able to figure it out.


Pisces- I'd have to have my brother committed if my mom dies any time soon.

Then allow me to rephrase. Sounds like neither of them did him any favors. Parents need to have a unified plan of action for raising their kids, and goal numero uno should be preparing them for independent adulthood. Sounds like your parents were polar extremes. No wonder he's confused and screwed up. But paiger, you still can't fix him. It's almost like your parents need to completely start over with him and give him an adulthood crash course. They can't afford to wash their hands of him now, or he'll never be fully-functioning on his own. Worse, he'll feel even more worthless because his parents gave up on him.

[GetMeOuttaDC]

My sisters are just lazy, worthless, good-for-nothing, why-doesn't-the-world-take-care-of-me, lay around on their ass all day watching Jerry Springer, no-job-havin', idle, lethargic sloths who whine and moan that they don't have nice clothes, a decent car or a nice place to live. And then have the audacity to tell our parents that it's not fair that I have all those things - as if I don't work my ass off every single day.

Hehe, ten bucks says that, having grown up with you, they never DARE say that to your face! :lol:

[paiger81]

I agree, mid 20, but 1 slight problem with this. My dad is seriously having some issues of his own right now, suffering from depression too. When he is in his depressed periods he is extremely volatile. He feels that he has a right to be depressed about his life, but since my brother was coddled, then my brother has no right to be depressed.

[biodork]

Are most of you who are having problems with a brother the older sibling? Because I'm having issues with my parents being extremely easy on my younger brother, and I'm wondering if its some sort of trend here. Like my parents weren't super strict with me, but i feel like in some areas they have really become lax, like in money areas, or social life. I mean I know I'm a different person and all, but I really feel like there was way less supervision with him then there was with me, like because I turned out pretty well they could ease up or something (which was completely the wrong thing to do)

[midtwenty]

I agree, mid 20, but 1 slight problem with this. My dad is seriously having some issues of his own right now, suffering from depression too. When he is in his depressed periods he is extremely volatile. He feels that he has a right to be depressed about his life, but since my brother was coddled, then my brother has no right to be depressed.

I see.
Well, as we all know I'm a huge advocate of working through your own problems and making your own changes to your life. HOWEVER, sometimes an objective third party can really be a huge help. Perhaps your parents and your bro need a family counselor or mediator to help them resolve some issues and get them moving in the right direction. The more you talk about it paiger, the more it becomes evident to me that none of them know what they're doing and really need some help. Would they be willing to do that?

[cheshrcarol]

Paige, my brother sounds a lot like yours. He's 21 and has never had any common sense. He's great at school stuff and practically a genius, but when it comes to practicality, sometimes I think he's mentally defiicient. He does lots of weird stuff like letting his paycheck paperwork go for months at his internship without filling it out (meanwhile owing my mom $$ for paying all his living expenses) and then when he does get checks he'll forget to deposit them.

But you have to remember 21 is still real young. Most of us didn't graduate until we were at least 22 and I'd bet that a lot of us had dorm/apartment living in college that was a stepping stone to being fully self-reliant.

IMO, the only way people will learn is if you make them. If my brother runs out of $, I think maybe something will cick in his head that this stuff is a priority and a part of living your life as an adult. But I think that if you two are ok with living together, then you should go ahead. Maybe your parents can supplement your brother by giving the money to him and making him responsible for paying you or paying the bills directly so he gets used to it.

[paiger81]

My dad does not believe in therapy, psychiatry or pills, he believes it's all a bunch of shit.

Recieved word from mom that on the ride back from shopping my dad went off when she tried to explain to him how my bro was feeling. My dad's response was that my brother was a disappointment and a failure. Dad went on to say it was his time now and that the family would have to deal with it. Mom is completely insulted because she feels as though it should be their(mom & dad) time. Can anyone else smell divorce?


GMODC- I figure we both skip easter and go someplace pretty

[The Stranger]

I have similarities to the brothers that are being discussed, to an extent--I've never had anything in common with (or understood) these highly-social, highly-motivated people. I have my own interests, I feel strongly about them, and I'm motivated in regards to them, but, I've never been interested in life outside of that. It isn't terribly complex: I tend to hate life, so, I don't want anything to do with it.

I was an only child, though. I can't imagine how I would have put up with a sibling that was trying to change me. Good luck to you, at any rate...

[pisces2473]

Pisces- I'd have to have my brother committed if my mom dies any time soon.
I used to be afraid that my brother would kill himself if my mom died.

Parents need to have a unified plan of action for raising their kids, and goal numero uno should be preparing them for independent adulthood. Sounds like your parents were polar extremes.
That goes for my family too. My dad was too busy when we were younger to be an active parent, then all of a sudden, he didn't like my mom's style and thought she was too easy. Too late, buddy. My mom admits she was too easy on Jack, but he was so sick when he was little, and then he was depressed/suicidal, so she didn't know what else to do. She knows she's made mistakes, and feels badly. Now they are trying to help him on his way to independence, but it's taking a long time.

[paiger81]

I have similarities to the brothers that are being discussed, to an extent--I've never had anything in common with (or understood) these highly-social, highly-motivated people. I have my own interests, I feel strongly about them, and I'm motivated in regards to them, but, I've never been interested in life outside of that. It isn't terribly complex: I tend to hate life, so, I don't want anything to do with it.

I was an only child, though. I can't imagine how I would have put up with a sibling that was trying to change me. Good luck to you, at any rate...

I don't see it as changing him, as much as helping him cope with the real world. BUT if a person seriously thinks it ok to live 100% off of their parents money, they need to be changed.