hajime
03-20-2005, 04:43 AM
Of course I'm worried about things like my long-term career goals, finding the love of my life, developing my hobbies, and so on.
But more often, lately, I think that what I really really want most of all is for the stress to stop. And to find a "secure" routine for myself. What I mean is, some kind of moderately menial job that I'm good at, with coworkers I get along with, a boss that appreciates me. I say menial because I want my mind to be free, to be able to focus on my hobbies or whatever else after work.
Aside from work, it would be nice to have just a small circle of close friends. Everyone I interact with is basically a distant acquaintance or close acquaintance. Even with old friends, when I see them again, it's a bit awkward because we just don't have the same things in common any more and our lives just don't bring us into the same experiences together. Because of this, it seems like every social situation is slightly uncomfortable. I have to think of things to say, worry about how I'm coming across, worry about not offending anyone, and so on. At the very least, I don't feel open and thus I don't feel like I'm being myself.
What it also means is that when I'm actually in a bad mood, there's no one I can really call up just to talk. Especially when it's the type of bad mood that really has no "reason".
So basically, everything in my life stresses me out- school, social things, basic life things ($$, etc.). But there's also no one to turn to for any sort of real support (aside from family). It's physically tiring and it's also a huge self-esteem drain to feel sort of like I'm not succeeding at anything... because nothing is coming naturally and everything is an effort and a struggle.
Right now, I don't want huge success with work/academics, or even an active social life, or an exciting love interest. It's like I just want to crawl somewhere warm and secure and sit there for a while and feel safe and valued. And free. Not to say that I want everything handed to me on a platter... but I want to be able to choose the things worth spending effort on & choose the stress.
For example, if I choose to start my own business as a side project, it's stressful in a way, but in an opposite sense, it's not stressful at all. I'm not constantly on edge about how my boss is evaluating me, I'm not worried about what an acquaintance thinks of me, etc.
As for the rest about "finding a direction" or finding true love... well, frankly those things are low priority right now. I just want to feel comfortable.. and not so stressed... and free to have a little bit of fun- on my own terms.
If that means "simplifying"- menial job that I'm good at, limiting interaction to a few close friends... I'm perfectly willing to make that sacrifice. Well.. not in reality of course, since there are many things I have to do ;). But I don't really about having lots of money, status symbols, or being popular, being seen in a "certain way".
I just want to be free and happy for a while. What is this all about?
But more often, lately, I think that what I really really want most of all is for the stress to stop. And to find a "secure" routine for myself. What I mean is, some kind of moderately menial job that I'm good at, with coworkers I get along with, a boss that appreciates me. I say menial because I want my mind to be free, to be able to focus on my hobbies or whatever else after work.
Aside from work, it would be nice to have just a small circle of close friends. Everyone I interact with is basically a distant acquaintance or close acquaintance. Even with old friends, when I see them again, it's a bit awkward because we just don't have the same things in common any more and our lives just don't bring us into the same experiences together. Because of this, it seems like every social situation is slightly uncomfortable. I have to think of things to say, worry about how I'm coming across, worry about not offending anyone, and so on. At the very least, I don't feel open and thus I don't feel like I'm being myself.
What it also means is that when I'm actually in a bad mood, there's no one I can really call up just to talk. Especially when it's the type of bad mood that really has no "reason".
So basically, everything in my life stresses me out- school, social things, basic life things ($$, etc.). But there's also no one to turn to for any sort of real support (aside from family). It's physically tiring and it's also a huge self-esteem drain to feel sort of like I'm not succeeding at anything... because nothing is coming naturally and everything is an effort and a struggle.
Right now, I don't want huge success with work/academics, or even an active social life, or an exciting love interest. It's like I just want to crawl somewhere warm and secure and sit there for a while and feel safe and valued. And free. Not to say that I want everything handed to me on a platter... but I want to be able to choose the things worth spending effort on & choose the stress.
For example, if I choose to start my own business as a side project, it's stressful in a way, but in an opposite sense, it's not stressful at all. I'm not constantly on edge about how my boss is evaluating me, I'm not worried about what an acquaintance thinks of me, etc.
As for the rest about "finding a direction" or finding true love... well, frankly those things are low priority right now. I just want to feel comfortable.. and not so stressed... and free to have a little bit of fun- on my own terms.
If that means "simplifying"- menial job that I'm good at, limiting interaction to a few close friends... I'm perfectly willing to make that sacrifice. Well.. not in reality of course, since there are many things I have to do ;). But I don't really about having lots of money, status symbols, or being popular, being seen in a "certain way".
I just want to be free and happy for a while. What is this all about?