eating disorders, body image

[kitalyn414]

thought i'd start a thread for those of us struggling with eating disorders and/or dysfunctional thinking when it comes to food ... this includes all of them - anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, compulsive overeating, emotional eating, thought obsession, etc.

i've decided that america is fat not because of what we eat, but the way we are thinking about food. you don't get to be obese by eating a big mac here and there, you get there by eating 12. by bingeing and overeating... i think those are mental disorders, not physical. the thing that is fucked up, is that we are treating them as physical disorders and prescribe atkins or southbeach... thinking they will make the problem go away. not the case!

i know for me, my eating feels out of control a lot of the time. i spend the majority of my day obsessing about what i'm going to eat for each meal and usually feeling guilty about the choices i make. i don't know how i got like this, i just know that it has gotten progressively worse and i want to stop it. i see some of my friends able to take food or leave it. i can tell they don't panic when a plate is put in front of them and if they eat too much, it doesn't ruin their whole day.

as for body image - to be honest, i feel pretty disgusting. i'm in a relatively new relationship and have started to feel super nervous that my bf is eventually going to dump me because i am so gross looking. the thing is... i'm not obese. i'm not even what some one would call fat, i don't think. i do need to tone up and get to the gym... but i'm technically in a healthy weight range for my height. i know all this intellectually, but i can't help but feel totally embarassed of my body pretty much all the time. i am DREADING summer because i don't want to have to wear tank tops... and forget about shorts. i haven't worn them in years. i feel like i have this potential to look good and healthy, but for some reason can't get it together.

anyway... i just wanted to start a discussion about this and start getting real. if any of you have similar thoughts, i think we all need to realize that they are NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY. i've spent a lot of time thinking that every one feels and thinks the same way i do. apparently not.

[biodork]

I have just started getting help for my problems. I definitely have the guilt after eating and the terrible self-image (thank you mother). My bf tells me how beautiful I am all the time and it still doesn't help. I hate that when I feel full that I can't stop thinking about just throwing it all up to make the guilt go away (which I never do and never have done btw, just think about it). I mean even last night I had garlic bread sticks with my dinner, which was a very healthy broccoli/cheese/chicken noodle soup, and just because I had 4 bread sticks I started feeling SO bad about myself and wishing I hadn't eaten it. It seems like the only way I can not feel bad about eating is to have something like a salad that I don't fill up on, or even feel full.

Im glad I finally am able to go to a therapist about it (among other things) because I do realize that my thinking is not normal, nor is my image of myself healthy. What is even worse is that I am starting to become like my mother and criticize how my loved ones look (my bf mainly) and that is even worse. But after almost 10 years like this, it is so hard to change, you know?

PS-and thank you kita for starting this thread, I def appreciate it :)

[pisces2473]

YAY KITA! I will write more about my own issues later (tonight at home).

[paiger81]

Very good post!!

I personally have "emotional eating" tendencies, usually when I am severly stressed I'll grab a Hamburger & French Fries as opposed to a salad. I think my father played a big role in this because he has the addictive personality, so growing up it was normal to watch him binge eat, so it explains how I got into that way of thinking. He has gotten worse as he has gotten older. Seeing him get worse, has actually made me realize my issues. I am not in counseling, but have been working on being more aware of my tendencies-hence my weight loss program & the fitness challenge.

Combine that with a sluggish metabolism and I was screwed from the start.

by bingeing and overeating... i think those are mental disorders, not physical. the thing that is fucked up, is that we are treating them as physical disorders and prescribe atkins or southbeach... thinking they will make the problem go away. not the case!

I think people need to realize that diet plans are TOOLS not ANSWERS to problems. I very much use the South Beach Diet as guidleines, but know many people who treat me like a pariah because I am not a strict Beacher.

[kitalyn414]

bio - i'm so similar. pretty much the only thing i don't feel guilty about eating is a salad with vinagrette dressing.... and i hardly ever eat that. i know i use food as a reward, so i'll go to the salad bar and make a salad and then put ranch on it as a treat. i'll think, "i've had a crappy day. i deserve it." then comes the guilt. how much fat was in that dressing? and... OH GOD i put croutons on!!! from there it goes.... FUCK, i've already blown it so why not just have some chocolate? then i feel so crappy about myself, my lack of will power and all the crap i ate. i hate it.

[tartytwenty]

It sucks.

It all sucks.

I started dieting, knowing it would take time and lots of effort. I'm still pissed about how slow results are. Then because of time and effort I put in, my self image is getting worse and worse. I'm losing weight, slowly (healthy) but I still see a gut, some stomach fat, still wearing the same sizes, I feel worse about myself now than I did before. The stomach has become an obession, I must view my profile several times a day and try and confirm it's worth it, I did lose some weight...I did, no..wait...I didn't. :( Start crying, feeling like shit, looking at my friends who are all super thin, watching my guy friends call them hot.... self image plummets further and further.

I should've never started dieting and remained my healthy plump self (not obese, 15 extra lbs), because now I think I have issues, that I never had before.
SO YES, I too have terrible thinking.

[paiger81]

With me I never dieted, before the whole "weight loss epiphany of 2004"(what I like to call it). My parents never made me feel bad because of my weight, because they were right there eating along with me.

It's funny how different experiences leads us to the same issue.

[biodork]

Food is my comfort-if I'm sad or upset about anything, I will grab the nearest box of chocolate, cookies, goldfish, etc and just EAT. And I will stuff myself on junk. And then of course feel guilty after that. I'm glad my bf works with me on this, because he will get serious and tell me "The rest of that is mine, don't touch it or I'll be really mad" or something like that and I know he means it so it keeps me from bingeing. But sometimes I just can't help it.

And what really sucks is that now I look at old pictures of myself and think "man why can't I look like that again" except that when I WAS that size I still thought I was fat and ugly, which only makes me feel worse.

I just cannot wait until I start thinking and feeling better about myself, and cutting out the damn bingeing and feeling guilty, but its only going to come in small steps over time. I wish it would go faster though!

[Radgirl]

A huge thanks to bio (Elyse). Her support and words made me take the first step into getting help. I have realized that I have struggled with this for the past decade and is progressively getting worse. It's a hard place to be in and find myself lost most days. It's my private struggle with evil and I don't know if I ever will truly see the light. My doctor's appointment on Tuesday made things absolutely worse. So much so, that I may change docs.

[kitalyn414]

bio - i seriously feel like you are reading my mind. my bf has started policing me a bit. he has mentioned on a couple occasions that i actually get this look of panic on my face when i eat sometimes. he'll also let me know if he sees me kind of zone out and go into stuffing mode.

i also look at pictures of myself from college and high school and wish i looked like i did then... although i remember thinking i was totally fat back then too.My doctor's appointment on Tuesday made things absolutely worse. So much so, that I may change docs. what happened? (you don't have to share if you don't want... i'll get it.)

i keep putting off calling my dr. and making an appointment to see her about my acid reflux. i just don't want everyone to make a bigger deal out of this than it is. i'm seeing a new therapist on monday.

[MetFanL]

Food is my comfort-if I'm sad or upset about anything, I will grab the nearest box of chocolate, cookies, goldfish, etc and just EAT. And I will stuff myself on junk. And then of course feel guilty after that.

I'm the same way. I inherited that lovely attitude from my mother. It's easy for me to control now b/c I live w/ only a roommate who is very understanding. As long as she keeps the sweets and stuff on her shelves of the cabinet, I won't eat it. If she puts it in bowl on the table, I have problems, so I just ask her if it's ok if we put it in the cabinet. She's cool with that. If I lived w/ my parents still or w/ someone who could handle eating that stuff (The people who can really eat just one), I don't know what I'd do. I'd be thinking about food all the time and it would pretty much haunt me. Now, if I buy junk, I'll eat what I want that day and just throw out the rest. Otherwise, I'll have to eat it out of the house.

I work out a ridiculous amount and I'm just now able to cut back a little. I try to force myself to take one day off a week, but even then I end up do some other kind of exercise, just not at the gym. It's not so much the guilt about now going as the fear that I might stop going completely and put the weight back on again.

I also do this thing (that I'm REALLY fighting right now) that when I start to lose weight, I immediately start eating crap. I think I'm really afraid of getting rid of the weight entirely. Like, now, I have an excuse... dudes aren't interested b/c I'm not beautiful in a normal way. If I lose the weight, I have no excuse and it's a reflection of who I am. I think I'm confident enough to handle this, but I always fear I'm not.

Anyway, thanks for starting this thread, kita. I probably just revealed WAY more than I'm comfortable with, but I'm gonna hit submit now and suck it up.

on edit: I have reflux too, Kita. I probably need to change my diet again and be more careful, but I'm honestly scared to eat all those carbs again. Plus, that diet it NO fun at all.

[tartytwenty]

I almost think most females have body issues.

Even my skinny friends are quick to point out their fat spots and wish they were thinner.

Which drives us heavier people crazy, but then again, it's all a cycle. I have bigger people get mad at me when I complain about my weight. "You don't have anything to complain about!"

It's crazy. I guess I shouldn't say I'm on a diet. I'm in the process of "life changes". Exercising and eating a ton better--forever. I'm in the frustration phase, as with any other life change. It's hard and results take lots of time.

Just like quitting a habit.

[Radgirl]

Well, this was a really bad appointment. They are usually bad, but this one went overboard. Ok, let's start. I've been having some issues with my bladder, kind of like UTI issues, but I don't have one. I go in to see her. I try my best to explain my problem. We look over my urinalysis and see that I have ketones in my urine (usually seen when people starve themselves). Then we further discuss the bladder pressure and what might be causing it. She has no answers. Since she has no answers she points to my weight as the cause of the problem. She said that as we gain weight, we tend to put it on our mid-section. That could be causing the problem. Keep in mind, I'm not 500 lbs. Do I have some extra fat on my tummy? Yes. Is that the problem? No. She didn't discuss other bladder issues, she just pointed to my weight. Basically she called me fat and said to lose the weight, tone up, and my problems should go away. Ever since Tuesday, I cannot stop thinking about it.

[biodork]

A huge thanks to bio (Elyse). Her support and words made me take the first step into getting help. I have realized that I have struggled with this for the past decade and is progressively getting worse. It's a hard place to be in and find myself lost most days. It's my private struggle with evil and I don't know if I ever will truly see the light. My doctor's appointment on Tuesday made things absolutely worse. So much so, that I may change docs.

Welcome :) although I'm sorry your first appointment didn't go well.

[Radgirl]

Oh no, the appointment went well with my counselor. It was my MD that things went downhill with.

[biodork]

Ugh, Rad, I'm sorry the appt went like that. Was this an actual therapist? Because she shouldn't be saying those things if she was, that's horrible to say!

EDIT-Oh ok! I wasn't sure! Glad your counselor appt went well!

[kitalyn414]

I probably just revealed WAY more than I'm comfortable with, but I'm gonna hit submit now and suck it up.no shit huh? it is really tough... but i'm forcing myself. like... hey everybody, i sometimes eat massive amounts of food and then puke my guts out. lovely.

ok then here comes the explaining because i can't just write that and not rationalize it down... i don't do it that often and haven't in about a month.

[Radgirl]

I'm grateful I don't know how to make myself puke. If I did, I'd be a full blown bullemic.

[mishl982]

I'm grateful I don't know how to make myself puke. If I did, I'd be a full blown bullemic.
Me too. I thank myself everyday that even though I am very self conscious about my body and wish I was skinnier, I don't ever think twice about not eating or eating and throwing it all up. I guess it's because I've seen the consequences in my friends and have learned from that and from other people the damages it could do to your body and how out of control it can get.

I do feel guilty sometimes if I overeat or eat something I shouldn't have. Especially if I go to Outback. Im always like "WHY did I eat that?" or "What was I thinking?" I've kind of had to force myself to not let it get to me and cut out things that make me feel that way (no more bloomin onions or full second helpings of dinner for me).

[wordsmith]

Then because of time and effort I put in, my self image is getting worse and worse. I'm losing weight, slowly (healthy) but I still see a gut, some stomach fat, still wearing the same sizes, I feel worse about myself now than I did before. The stomach has become an obession, I must view my profile several times a day and try and confirm it's worth it, I did lose some weight...I did, no..wait...I didn't. :( Start crying, feeling like shit, looking at my friends who are all super thin, watching my guy friends call them hot.... self image plummets further and further.

I should've never started dieting and remained my healthy plump self (not obese, 15 extra lbs), because now I think I have issues, that I never had before.
SO YES, I too have terrible thinking.

I identify with this COMPLETELY...very well put. Part of the reason I was so retiscent about even the fitness challenge is because I think for a lot of women, the line between healthily paying attention to something and unhealthily obsessing is a microscopically fine one. Weight issues are so psychologically tied up for most women that it's the kind of thing that can take on a life of it's own, and not in a good way. So I don't like to put too much focus on what I eat, don't eat, exercise, how much, etc. It's a dangerous door to open...negative thoughts can spiral out of control very quickly.

I don't have guilt issues with food, and I don't feel like I use it unhealthily, as a crutch, anything like that. I just like food. I eat reasonably and well. I don't binge, I don't purge. I don't have a background of people berating me over my physique. But I have come to the conclusion that I apparently can't eat normally and healthily and avoid being overweight. I wish I could be the sort of person who eats well, exercises moderately, and stays in shape that way. Due to my metabolism, I apparently have to exercise strenuously most of my waking hours to even break even, which is heartbreakingly frustrating. And reinforcing that truth, as I do every time I exercise and see that it does not one bit of good, is disheartening and supremely discouraging.

So I would say that my body image suffers a lot, though I don't have eating issues. I don't think I want the life I would have to have to be very thin - that is, one of obsessing, cutting out entire families of foods that I love, and exercising at such a rate that planning it alone, not to mention executing it, would take over my life. But I also know that I will be looked down on all my life by a significant percentage of the people I come across for not being very thin, which doesn't make me happy, either. It seems like there is no good choice.

[Kitty]

I want to post my own experience here, and then react to some other comments/posts.

I have an obsession with food/weight/image that I know is unhealthy. I have gotten better, but it is still not healthy.

For one thing, I weigh myself excessively (10 times a day and it would be a lot more if I wasn't at work). I planwhat I will eat all day long. I obsess about certain body parts. I once went on a vacation and I had to BUY a scale because I couldn't take it - I needed to weigh myself.

Having been overweight, I know the HELL that it is. Some people are OK with being overweight, but for me, I was miserable. I never ever want to let myself get like that again. I'm paranoid that I will gain weight, lose control, etc.

I also think I'm fatter than I actually am. When people tell me that I look average or that I am a medium size - I honestly cannot believe it. I still feel chubby.

My issues stem from crap that happened to me during the time I lived at home. I won't go into it, but my parents taught me a lot of negative habits and I inherited my moms negative body image.

[Radgirl]

But see, this is part of the problem. Why are we so critical? Who cares if I ate a donut? Who cares if I stuffed an entire pizza down my face? I'm not saying eat like a pig or eat as badly as possibly, but why must be put these huge restrictions on what we can and cannot eat. Being afraid to eat carbs? :eek: Come on! I'm playing devils advocate here, but is this how we really want to live out the rest of our lives. Eat this, don't eat that and still get no where? Seems like such a dark, unhappy road.

And tarty, I'm with you in the same situation. Some days I just throw up my hands and say, "I give up."

[biodork]

I inherited my moms negative body image.

Same here.

[Radgirl]

I want to post my own experience here, and then react to some other comments/posts.

I have an obsession with food/weight/image that I know is unhealthy. I have gotten better, but it is still not healthy.

For one thing, I weigh myself excessively (10 times a day and it would be a lot more if I wasn't at work). I planwhat I will eat all day long. I obsess about certain body parts. I once went on a vacation and I had to BUY a scale because I couldn't take it - I needed to weigh myself.

Having been overweight, I know the HELL that it is. Some people are OK with being overweight, but for me, I was miserable. I never ever want to let myself get like that again. I'm paranoid that I will gain weight, lose control, etc.

I also think I'm fatter than I actually am. When people tell me that I look average or that I am a medium size - I honestly cannot believe it. I still feel chubby.

My issues stem from crap that happened to me during the time I lived at home. I won't go into it, but my parents taught me a lot of negative habits and I inherited my moms negative body image.


Same scary situtation. My life revolves around food, calories, numbers, image, size, etc.... It's comsuming my life.

[wordsmith]

For one thing, I weigh myself excessively (10 times a day and it would be a lot more if I wasn't at work). I planwhat I will eat all day long. I obsess about certain body parts. I once went on a vacation and I had to BUY a scale because I couldn't take it - I needed to weigh myself.

See, and for myself, I won't own a scale, never have, never will, I never weigh myself, and have declined to be weighed at the doctor's office (which is within your rights to do). The main reasons is because I know how quickly the landslide could start if I even crack that door open, to mix my metaphors. I know that habitually weighing myself is going to do far more damage than good. It's a psychological game, but if it keeps me from descending into a downward spiral of self-abuse, hey, whatever it takes.

[kitalyn414]

yeah i don't own a scale either. i realized it was just making me depressed.


AHHHHHHHHHHH! god, i'm so ANGRY about this. i just want us all to be healthy and stress-free when it comes to this. we have to eat to live. does anyone freak out about breathing and how much air they are consuming? what the hell?

i just want to figure out how to fix this.

[MetFanL]

Oh and one more thing I wanted to mention (since we're all over-sharing, anyway). I'm sort of dating this guy right now. He's sweet and nice and a really great guy, (I know you can all feel the 'but' coming on, so here it is) BUT he loves food. He really just loves it. He loves cooking and loves to eat. He goes to his Italian mother's house everyday and tells me what he had for dinner. It's like torture. I've actually considered stopping this whole thing w/ him b/c I fear the food. I fear what would happen to me if I got really involved with this guy and couldn't control my eating. I've become Drew Carey's GF.

[Radgirl]

See, and for myself, I won't own a scale, never have, never will, I never weigh myself, and have declined to be weighed at the doctor's office (which is within your rights to do). The main reasons is because I know how quickly the landslide could start if I even crack that door open, to mix my metaphors. I know that habitually weighing myself is going to do far more damage than good. It's a psychological game, but if it keeps me from descending into a downward spiral of self-abuse, hey, whatever it takes.

Wait, I can decline to be weight at the docs office? OMG, then Tuesday's fiasco may have been avoided??? I will be sure to do that next time. Thanks.

[Radgirl]

Oh and one more thing I wanted to mention (since we're all over-sharing, anyway). I'm sort of dating this guy right now. He's sweet and nice and a really great guy, (I know you can all feel the 'but' coming on, so here it is) BUT he loves food. He really just loves it. He loves cooking and loves to eat. He goes to his Italian mother's house everyday and tells me what he had for dinner. It's like torture. I've actually considered stopping this whole thing w/ him b/c I fear the food. I fear what would happen to me if I got really involved with this guy and couldn't control my eating. I've become Drew Carey's GF.

I envy anyone that adores food and eats with such passion and love. I ENVY them because if I were in that same situation, I'd be having a heart attack. Its so sick.

[Radgirl]

Do others know about your ED?

[Kitty]

One other interesting thing:

My last bf was super supportive. He'd always say stuff like, "Oh, come on..just eat those french fries. I dont' care how big you are I just want you to have fun!"

And that actually made me MORE obsessed about food. I can't explain it...it made me get even more psycho.

[mishl982]

My issues stem from crap that happened to me during the time I lived at home.
I think most of my issues come from home too. None of my friends have the perfect bodies or ones that I wish I had so I know it don't get body issues from them. When I lived at home, that's when I was at my biggest (not obese, but wore like 14/16, I now wear 6/8). My mom cooked delicious food all the time and my brothers and I were always free to get seconds (or thirds), which has gotten me into the habit of getting seconds even when I'm not home. Also at home it was like if you didn't eat now, you didn't eat at all because my brothers would eat so much (my bros are pretty hefty) so portion sizes were huge. It didn't help that my parents would be like "Michelle, I wish you didn't have that belly. You need to lose weight. Now eat up your fried rice and egg rolls." When I finally started trying to take steps to exercise and lose weight, they wouldn't let me join a gym. They thought it was a waste of money. It didn't help there was always food around all the time or an endless supply of chips and I had no self control. It wasn't until I moved out of my parents' in college that I started losing weight. I must have lost about 20 pounds from sophomore year to senior year, and as soon as I moved back home after I gradauted, I gained about 10 back, now I'm struggling trying to lose it again. Even when I lost all the weight in college they would say "Ooh, are you losing weight?" but the next time I see them they would say "Michelle can you make your belly go away?"

I don't know what it is about living/being at my parents that self control, healthy eating and exercise are all thrown out the door.

[wordsmith]

met, I've progressively gained weight since I've been at my job (4 years). My lifestyle changed due to my work. My previous job had me walking three miles a day to get to and from, and was a physically active job where I was on the go all the time. This job is a lot of sedentary hours...sitting at a computer, or sitting on my butt in my car driving to something I have to cover, where I will most likely sit on my butt. It's a big shift to accommodate for.

Kita, I agree. It would be one thing if monitoring my weight were inspiring or motivating. But it's not. It generates only disappointment and despondence. Why the fuck would I want to do that to myself?

It makes me angry, too. But it makes me mostly angry at a societal mindset that by and large perpetuates what we're all going through psychologically, here. Get real...most people we come across (ourselves included?) have attitudes about weight that aren't rooted in concern for health and self-esteem. They're rooted, mainly, in thinking it's gross and ugly and people who aren't excessively thin are worth less. That's the sick, poisonous thinking behind it all, and about 99% of society perpetuates this.

[kitalyn414]

Do others know about your ED?well, after the whole fiasco at my dad's rehab center, now my whole immediate family knows, my best friend (former bulimic) and my boyfriend.

[Radgirl]

I won't tell a soul. Hell, I could barely tell myself.

[kitalyn414]

you're only as sick as your secrets.


i'm just tired of spending so much mental time on food. it's not worth it. my dad has offered to pay for me to go to treatment, but i don't really feel like i am in a position to dump my life for 4 weeks to do it. plus, like i said... i don't need food police to keep me from throwing up. my binge/purge sessions are usually scheduled and planned out ahead of time. there's no... "oops i ate too much, better go puke." that probably explains why i'm not skinny. i overeat plenty without puking.

[shimmer728]

This thread is very liberating for me. Here goes......

I won't tell a soul. Hell, I could barely tell myself.

I can SO identify! NO ONE (except now everyone who's going to read this message board) knows I had a moderate-to-severe case of anorexia in my teenage years, once getting down to between 75 and 80 pounds. I'm small-boned, but at 5'1.....well, you can picture it. I've never really talked about it. My best friends from college never knew.......I didn't even tell my boyfriend until a few months ago. For some reason, I've been ashamed for years of having had an eating disorder in high school.

I've been "recovered" for about seven years (through therapy and just working through it on my own), but the weird feelings about food and weight never really go away. I still get a funny thrill whenever others point out how thin I am. And I definitely still worry about gaining weight.

[biodork]

I think my main goal with the whole fitness challenge is that I REALLY need to eat better. My meals usually consisted of the following things over the past several months (esp before I graduated):

Panera (not so bad)
Chipotle
Baja Fresh
McDonald's
Wendy's
Homemade tacos, enchiladas or nachos
Hamburger Helper
Occasionally bbq shake n bake chicken
Various other restaurants where my bf and i usually didn't get salads

For the most part this list is NOT healthy. AT ALL. Especially because we would almost never have leftovers of food. I have felt I needed to change my eating habits, as well as my bf's (who would not eat all day until he got back from work, which was work from 3-9, and then would eat again around 2 because he usually didn't go to bed till 5) I don't want to have a heart attack at 40 because I just refused to eat better, and same goes for my bf, who was on a way worse eating schedule then myself.

Because I felt it was too hard for me to just find something healthy to eat with my bf not helping too much, the whole cycle of me feeling guilty continued. It sucks, but it is very necessary.

[wordsmith]

For some reason, I've been ashamed for years of having had an eating disorder in high school.

See, and this is another part of the psychological warfare. We're supposed to be ashamed for not being stick thin. But, then, we're supposed to be ashamed of the things we did to conform to this unhealthy, unrealistic standard. Sick. I get so mad at how out of control this is. I hate that smart, strong women are completely victimized by this fucked up societal mindset, where we aren't evaluated for who we are, we're evaluated for what we look like. It fucking sucks.

[paiger81]

I envy anyone that adores food and eats with such passion and love.

See, with some it's just as bad as puking your food out. As I said before, my dad has that addictive personality, in his 20's it was drugs, as he got older it switched to food. He LOVES food, cooks elaborate meals, and as I said before binge eats. The doctor's have warned him that he MUST lose weight cause his health is being severely affected. He admitted last month that food was one of the only things that brings him happiness so he wasn't going to give it up.

That is NOT a healthy thought process.

[Radgirl]

See, with some it's just as bad as puking your food out. As I said before, my dad has that addictive personality, in his 20's it was drugs, as he got older it switched to food. He LOVES food, cooks elaborate meals, and as I said before binge eats. The doctor's have warned him that he MUST lose weight cause his health is being severely affected. He admitted last month that food was one of the only things that brings him happiness so he wasn't going to give it up.

That is NOT a healthy thought process.

The kind of love and passion I'm talking about are people with healthy/good attitudes towards food. Not binge eating or out of control eating. People who enjoy what they eat, eat right, can induldge, and know when to stop.

[shimmer728]

See, and this is another part of the psychological warfare. We're supposed to be ashamed for not being stick thin. But, then, we're supposed to be ashamed of the things we did to conform to this unhealthy, unrealistic standard. Sick. I get so mad at how out of control this is. I hate that smart, strong women are completely victimized by this fucked up societal mindset, where we aren't evaluated for who we are, we're evaluated for what we look like. It fucking sucks.

Thank you. I know intellectually I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I still am. Hell, I'm a textbook case. Overachieving, Type-A perfectionist personality from a "perfect" family with the "perfect" life.....I was the perfect anorexic!

[Radgirl]

Hey, when you can't control anything else in you life, why not food/weight.

[paiger81]

Radgirl- I got what you meant, but sometimes I think there is a fine line that seperates the 2, you know?


And I just wanted to bring up that I started the Challenge because I wanted people to support each other to be healthier, not necessarily to lose weight or obsess about food & working out. Like how Bio said she just wanted to eat more healthier, that was my intent, I didn't want anybody to completely feel like they had to eat rabbit food or anything like that.

[wordsmith]

Thank you. I know intellectually I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I still am. Hell, I'm a textbook case. Overachieving, Type-A perfectionist personality from a "perfect" family with the "perfect" life.....I was the perfect anorexic!

This is EXACTLY why I am petrified of even getting into calorie-counting, numbers-obsessing, fad dieting bullshit, and just steer clear of it entirely. I have every red-flag trait for developing an eating disorder...high-stress, obsessive perfectionist who's constantly trying to please everyone and make everything "just so," and likes to control everything in her life to the letter. It would be WAAAAY too easy for me to latch onto.

[Radgirl]

I understand paiger. I just wish I had a healthy attitude towards food and didn't obsess/weigh/measure/have it consume my every moment. ;)

[wordsmith]

And I just wanted to bring up that I started the Challenge because I wanted people to support each other to be healthier, not necessarily to lose weight or obsess about food & working out. Like how Bio said she just wanted to eat more healthier, that was my intent, I didn't want anybody to completely feel like they had to eat rabbit food or anything like that.

No, no, no, paige, not at all! I really do get that it's a support thing and with healthiness at the root, and that's why I'm doing it.

I was just noting (like I did when we first started discussing the challenge) that the line is so fine sometimes.

P.S. I LOVE rabbit food, myself! :)

[Radgirl]

This is EXACTLY why I am petrified of even getting into calorie-counting, numbers-obsessing, fad dieting bullshit, and just steer clear of it entirely. I have every red-flag trait for developing an eating disorder...high-stress, obsessive perfectionist whose constantly trying to please everyone and make everything "just so," and likes to control everything in her life to the letter. It would be WAAAAY too easy for me to latch onto.

WS, that is exactly me, but how did you avoid it? I wish I never got caught up in the crap. Maybe you can't have the perfect body, but right now, I'd give for a little peace and happiness.

[paiger81]

I understand paiger. I just wish I had a healthy attitude towards food and didn't obsess/weigh/measure/have it consume my every moment.

See, and I needed to learn to weigh or measure(usually not both, though) myself. Cause for the longest time(LIKE YEARS) I never looked on a scale. The last time I had weighed myself I was 158(in high school) I didn't weigh myself again until May 04 and saw 192. I swear I just didn't realize I had gained weight.

Because of my OCD, I am very careful about only having my doctor weigh me or my personal trainer do my measurements-about every 3 weeks. Even though I have my OCD in check, I could very much see myself getting into the obsessive patterns associated with ED's with my new "way of living". It's also one of the reasons I take a mandatory day off each week, as well as only stay at the gym for 1 hour.

I basically self impose rules on myself.

[wordsmith]

WS, that is exactly me, but how did you avoid it?

By working in generalities.

I don't weigh myself. I go by how I look in the mirror and how my clothing fits. "Whoah, need to trim a little off the old hips," seems a lot less obsessive than "Oh. My. God. I am FIVE POUNDS heavier than last time I checked."

Making it a habit and a point to snack on things that I like and know are not bad for me (like baby carrots and popcorn) rather than obsessively zero in on fat grams and carb content on labels.

[biodork]

I really feel like my biggest problem with normal eating is when to say "I'm done". In my family, EVERYONE eats incredibly fast, I mean we had Thanksgiving dinner in 20 min. It's almost like a genetic thing, because both my parents came from families where you had to eat fast or lose the food. But the eating fast causes me to eat more than I can handle, so I'm either really full or sick full. But for some reason I have such a hard time controlling it! And you'd think being around my bf and eating with him would have slowed me down some, because he is the exact opposite (so much that he has a nickname of "pokey bastard" with his friends) but it hasn't. I have to basically really concentrate to eat slower. But I feel like if I have to start counting the number of times I chew something it will make things even worse. I just don't know how to handle this!

[shimmer728]

I also never weigh myself. I'm sure I gain/lose a few pounds every now and again, because everyone does. It's way better for me not to know it, though. Knowing I gained would upset me too much, and losing can be way too addicting.

[Kitty]

My situation was pretty similar, Michelle. I lost 20 lbs. simply by moving out of my parents house.

Same. That's how I initially started losing weight.

[paiger81]

Like wordsmith, I don't count calories or worry about how many carbs are in what product. WHich is probably why I'm having a hard time eating hypoglycemically--the damn diet is basically the diabetic diet & it's hard as hell to see something like:

B-1 carb, 1 protein

How am I supposed to figure that out?!!!

[tartytwenty]

I used to be a "trim some off the hips" type, then bam! I'm playing games with calories, workouts, scales, la la la.

It's definitely something I never imagined doing.

However, I have "trained" myself to "try" and look at the scale only once every 3 weeks, like Paiger. I also take tape measurements once a month, because the scale doesn't move enough and maybe the measurements will make up for it.

My BF loves cooking, food, etc. He doesn't care too much about weight. Always wants pasta, sigh!!! I know men have weight issues, but they are allowed to be fat in society and successfull. Oh, and apparently, as you see on TV, these fat men get model women as wives/dates.

I'm not man vs. woman, but when it comes to society & weight, they just don't have any idea..... imo. It's easy for them to say "eat up hun!" Sigh.

I'm rambling today.

[wordsmith]

I really feel like my biggest problem with normal eating is when to say "I'm done". In my family, EVERYONE eats incredibly fast, I mean we had Thanksgiving dinner in 20 min. It's almost like a genetic thing, because both my parents came from families where you had to eat fast or lose the food. But the eating fast causes me to eat more than I can handle, so I'm either really full or sick full. But for some reason I have such a hard time controlling it! And you'd think being around my bf and eating with him would have slowed me down some, because he is the exact opposite (so much that he has a nickname of "pokey bastard" with his friends) but it hasn't. I have to basically really concentrate to eat slower. But I feel like if I have to start counting the number of times I chew something it will make things even worse. I just don't know how to handle this!

I do this, too. I eat so fast sometimes that my body doesn't even have the chance to send out the "you're FULL" signals until I've already overeaten. I understand what you're saying. To me, it also seems counterintuitive to do obsessive things like monitor your chewing to pace yourself, etc. But it really does help you break the habit of wolfing down too much food at once. I'm not a big drinker (not like that, sillies, I just don't drink much when I eat), but I find that if I intersperse mouthfuls of food with sips of water, it forces me to slow down, and gives my body more of a chance to send out the "stop eating" signals. Plus, it's better for your digestion. Eventually, it just gets to be a habit.

[wordsmith]

I used to be a "trim some off the hips" type, then bam! I'm playing games with calories, workouts, scales, la la la.

It's definitely something I never imagined doing.

However, I have "trained" myself to "try" and look at the scale only once every 3 weeks, like Paiger. I also take tape measurements once a month, because the scale doesn't move enough and maybe the measurements will make up for it.

I'm telling you, this is why I can't even own one. I know how quickly it would descend into an obsession I really don't need.

[kitalyn414]

I do this, too. I eat so fast sometimes that my body doesn't even have the chance to send out the "you're FULL" signals until I've already overeaten. I understand what you're saying. To me, it also seems counterintuitive to do obsessive things like monitor your chewing to pace yourself, etc. But it really does help you break the habit of wolfing down too much food at once. I'm not a big drinker (not like that, sillies, I just don't drink much when I eat), but I find that if I intersperse mouthfuls of food with sips of water, it forces me to slow down, and gives my body more of a chance to send out the "stop eating" signals. Plus, it's better for your digestion. Eventually, it just gets to be a habit. i need to work on this. lately, i've caught myself swallowing before i've even really chewed anything. it freaks me out.

i used to have a tape measurer but i just realized that i stopped using it becaause all the numbers wore off. similar to the scale, i won't buy a new one.


as for moving - i'm not moving out of my parent's place, but i will be living by myself in 2 weeks. i think this is part of the reason why i am putting this all on the table now. i am scared about what i am going to do when there is no one around to catch me binging and purging. i ONLY purge when i am completely alone and know that i will be alone. SO... i found myself thinking about all the food i was going to buy for my first session to "celebrate" the new place. WTF?!? i knew then that there was something seriously fucked up going on in my mind.

[tartytwenty]

I'm telling you, this is why I can't even own one. I know how quickly it would descend into an obsession I really don't need.


You're 100% correct. I think it's the best to not own one and begin the weight game.

I'm new to my obession (4 months), I wonder if I should think about chucking the scale and tape NOW before it becomes too late & too involved...

Hmm, something to think about...

[tartytwenty]

SO... i found myself thinking about all the food i was going to buy for my first session to "celebrate" the new place. WTF?!? i knew then that there was something seriously fucked up going on in my mind.


Maybe try and buy only healthy, fresh, &/or organic stuff? Sso even if you are on your own, and eat up everything, you know it was good for you and there's no need to visit the bathroom? I stock my place with lots of veggies, etc. I never feel guilt when I overeat baby carrots...

Oh and low-calorie popsicles, my new godsend :)

[wordsmith]

I should note that I'm not this militant "THROW OUT YOUR SCALES!!" woman...for some people, I'm sure it's positively motivating. But you have to know yourself, and for me, it's a negative, negative thing. It's all in knowing yourself.

[Kitty]

I think words actually inspired me to throw away my scale. I don't remember what post it was in, but this came up before and in some response she wrote she convinced me to get rid of it..

So, I did that for like 4 days. I hid it.

Then, on day 5 I had a freak-out. I actually felt like my body was going through withdrawl. Freaky.

Maybe I should ease out of it...

[biodork]

I'm actually not too bad about my scale, except when my bf first tried it he went a little crazy and weighed himself like 3 times in a row, got upset at his weight, then took a dump and weighed himself again to see if he lost weight. I yelled at him for doing that though! I don't think he's done it since...but I told him not to weigh himself every day so hopefully he's following this when I'm gone.

[MetFanL]

yeah, the scale thing is not on my rather long list of issues. I kind of treat it like my credit card statement -- I just don't care to know where I stand. ;)

[tartytwenty]

I should note that I'm not this militant "THROW OUT YOUR SCALES!!" woman...for some people, I'm sure it's positively motivating. But you have to know yourself, and for me, it's a negative, negative thing. It's all in knowing yourself.

Oh I didn't think you were saying "Throw out your Scales!!"

For some people scales are fine, for others, like me, they become a problem.

I agree it's personal thing. For me, the scale is a negative, so I'm going to consider "misplacing" it... key word "Consider" I still would want to see my eventual progress...

[Kitty]

I'm actually not too bad about my scale, except when my bf first tried it he went a little crazy and weighed himself like 3 times in a row, got upset at his weight, then took a dump and weighed himself again to see if he lost weight. I yelled at him for doing that though! I don't think he's done it since...but I told him not to weigh himself every day so hopefully he's following this when I'm gone.

I hate to provide TMI, but that's totally the kind of shit I do (no pun intended). I weigh myself after I pee, after I eat, if I change clothes...

Its crazy.

[coll214]

It's just so wrong that so many people have this outlook with food. And just like everything else with me, i had two extremes to do deal with growing up. On one hand, my mother has increasingly gained weight since I was a child and has done NOTHING to stop it... her response, i'm not starving myself. And she always had junk food in the house, and sometimes now I even have to stop myself from going crazy buying it. Of course now that i'm out of the house she has stopped buying the bad stuff, like somehow i'm the one who told her to buy it. She also actually laughed at me when I told her I joined a gym a few years ago. I never told her why, but my main reason, was I WILL NOT be like her side of the family, who easily more than half of them would be considered obese. Oh and the emotional eating? yeah, i'm one of them, though definitely not as bad as it was when i was younger.

Dad on the other hand, can shovel anything in and burns it off... luckily i'm more like him, though since getting a desk job, has definitely slowed down. But he's definitely known for making the whoa, getting like your mother there if you don't watch it comments. then of course if you take a smaller amount, what, are you dieting or something. GRR. It pisses me off. Always has.

And now my boyfriend hands down has the largest appetite of anyone i've seen, can eat anything and he's actually pissed he hasn't gained any weight!! Likes to cook too and does it well. Though he does eat healthier, so i'm hoping to pick up his eating habits, because i know mine are bad. Also one of my main reasons for doing the challenge... I need to have an excuse force me to go to the gym in addition to eat better.

[wordsmith]

Wow, Kitty, I didn't know I inspired you...maybe ease out of it...weigh yourself ONLY before you go to bed, and then every other day, and then once a week...etc.? I mean, if it really does help motivate your or helps your esteem, don't ditch it. But for me, it just makes me disheartened, so I'm better off without. I work so hard and don't see numbers change. It's just a personal thing.

I don't know. Sometimes I think it's a healthy perspective to not worry about the numbers on the scale, sometimes I feel like it's an ostrich with its head in the sand thing.

[wordsmith]

I still would want to see my eventual progress...

For me, tangible progress comes when I buy the next size down in jeans.

[Kitty]

Wow, Kitty, I didn't know I inspired you...maybe ease out of it...weigh yourself ONLY before you go to bed, and then every other day, and then once a week...etc.? I mean, if it really does help motivate your or helps your esteem, don't ditch it. But for me, it just makes me disheartened, so I'm better off without. I work so hard and don't see numbers change. It's just a personal thing.

I don't know. Sometimes I think it's a healthy perspective to not worry about the numbers on the scale, sometimes I feel like it's an ostrich with its head in the sand thing.

I just think you have a really healthy attitude about a lot of things. Plus, I know this area is an issue for me - so, yeah, you inspired me :) But I failed!

Yeah, I think I'm going to try to limit it at first to 3 times a day. Then down to one. Then hopefully once a week...

[wordsmith]

I just think you have a really healthy attitude about a lot of things.

How much do I love you?? I think I'm gonna put this on a tee shirt.

[Kitty]

How much do I love you?? I think I'm gonna put this on a tee shirt.

Instead of what would jesus do -

what would wordsmith do?

We should make bracelets!

Actually, in HS I had a WWJD bracelet because I found it so entertaining...

[shimmer728]

For all you ladies who have struggled/are struggling with food issues, are you really into cooking or food preparation or feeding others? I never did that, but I used to read cookbooks excessively, and salivate over pictures of chocolatey desserts and the like.

[Kitty]

Yeah, I really like cooking my BF the food I can't/don't let myself eat.

[kitalyn414]

For all you ladies who have struggled/are struggling with food issues, are you really into cooking or food preparation or feeding others? I never did that, but I used to read cookbooks excessively, and salivate over pictures of chocolatey desserts and the like.yup! i LOVE cooking for people (especially boys). i spend many days looking up recipes online and figuring out what i'm going to cook. i enjoy the whole process... planning, shopping, preparation, eating. i've always said it was theraputic for me.

[paiger81]

I know that I show people I love them, by cooking for them. I love to cook. Everybody finds it funny that I love to make desserts, but I hate eating them--never really a sweets person.

[wordsmith]

I don't get to cook as much as I would like to, but I've always been interested in food preparation as an art. I don't know if that's telling, or coincidence. I also think of going out to eat as a recreational event. Probably because growing up, we only got to do so for special occasions.

And every boyfriend I have ever had has had homemade desserts coming out his ears. I don't bake for myself (nonexistant sweet tooth), but I do for boys.

[shinyleaf]

Some of your posts made me very sad. It's truly bizzare how we intelligent, independent women can succumb to the tendencies to obsess irrationally about our weight and size and food and what our bfs think of our bodies.

I have been fortunate to have always had the kind of body where it would be obviously ridiculous to have issues over. I think that fact may be the only thing that has kept me from disordered eating or serious body image issues. Not everyone is that lucky... even "skinny" women can easily start seeing their own bodies in a distorted way. Oh, the power of the media. Thanks so much for that, society. cheers.

Shimmer, I know what you mean about getting that sick little thrill when someone notes your skinniness, or when you are down a few pounds. I lost 10 pounds during a period of severe anxiety last year and became morbidly curious about the exactness of my weight... the only time I constantly weighed myself. A creepy little victory from looking like a skeleton. F-d up.

From having studied eating disorders, I'm afraid I may know too much about them sometimes. I know that anorexics take pride in the control they exercise to maintain their low weight. Sometimes when my life is chaotic, and I'm seeking control and/or instant results, I briefly consider - consciously!- restricting my eating. But I never go ahead with it. But it's a slippery slope, same as with the scale thing.


It hits all women to a certain degree. Wordsmith has totally the right response, IMO. What we have to try and do is monitor our response to it, and change our thinking about our self-worth. Easier said than done eh?

[shimmer728]

[QUOTE=shinyleaf]

Shimmer, I know what you mean about getting that sick little thrill when someone notes your skinniness, or when you are down a few pounds. I lost 10 pounds during a period of severe anxiety last year and became morbidly curious about the exactness of my weight... the only time I constantly weighed myself. A creepy little victory from looking like a skeleton. F-d up.
QUOTE]

Yep, yep, yep, I know exactly what you mean. My anorexia started after a bad case of the flu when I was 14. I lost about 10-15 pounds from not eating because I couldn't keep anything down for a week and a half. Before that, I was probably around 90 pounds, so that gives you an idea of how little I was to begin with. But when I came back to school, EVERYONE started commenting on how skinny I was. I liked the attention, quite frankly.

Plus, at that time, there were other traumatic things going on in my life, such as being bullied. So that probably contributed.

But yes, I still get excited when people comment about my size. Just last night, I left my apartment to take a walk and my neighbor said, "What are you doing? You're bony enough!" That should NOT have made me as happy as it did. See, it never fully goes away.

[wordsmith]

I agree. It enrages me that a even a community of strong, lovely, and intelligent women of ALL shapes and sizes fall prey to this kind of negative crap. It sickens me how strong a hold this mentality is...that there's only one acceptable shape, and everyone, regardless of if it's realistic or not, needs to conform to it or be made to feel like an unattractive, undesireable pariah.

Here's something...the ONLY time in my life I have lost a noticeable amount of weight was as the result of a time of severe emotional upset. When i was a freshman in college, I lost 40 pounds in one semester, basically through self-starvation. Basically, I was miserable, homesick, unhappy, and lonely, and rather than go to the cafeteria and have no one to sit and eat with, I went back to my room and cried myself to sleep. Whenever anyone sees of pictures of me from then and says, "Wow, you look great in that picture," I seriously want to punch them and scream in their face, "No, I look sick, starving, and miserable! What the fuck is wrong with you that this looks GOOD to you???" I can remember exactly how it felt to be me at that time, and I sure wasn't sitting around thinking how happy I was that my jeans were falling off.

Okay...overshare. Whew.

[Kitty]

I

Here's something...the ONLY time in my life I have lost a noticeable amount of weight was as the result of a time of severe emotional upset. When i was a freshman in college, I lost 40 pounds in one semester, basically through self-starvation. Basically, I was miserable, homesick, unhappy, and lonely, and rather than go to the cafeteria and have no one to sit and eat with, I went back to my room and cried myself to sleep. Whenever anyone sees of pictures of me from then and says, "Wow, you look great in that picture," I seriously want to punch them and scream in their face, "No, I look sick, starving, and miserable! What the fuck is wrong with you that this looks GOOD to you???" I can remember exactly how it felt to be me at that time, and I sure wasn't sitting around thinking how happy I was that my jeans were falling off.


Awww..

I totally relate though. I lost a lot of weight Freshman year of college. It was a combination of a lot of crap. The first 20 pounds was without even trying (it was a mixture of not being at home, and walking everyone on campus.) Later I had some guy issues, friend issues, etc. and I got SUPER depressed. I was so miserable that I just didnt' eat. I remember being so depressed.

There were also times in college where I didn't eat for the same reason - no one to go to the dinning hall with. Sad.

Its kind of interesting that we would rather starve than be alone/be seen alone.

[paiger81]

My wierd litle quirk, now is that I swear guys hit on me more now then they did when I was carrying the extra 37 pounds. Instead of making me happy, it pisses me off.


Completely Unrelated Note--The Blue Angels are practicing their routines for tomorrows air show out side my fucking office window!!! It is so awesome!!!! Like they are so close that the pilots actually wave at us & we can wave back at them!!! :eek:

[shimmer728]

It's really something that I DIDN'T have a relapse during my freshman year of college for the same reasons.

[wordsmith]

There were also times in college where I didn't eat for the same reason - no one to go to the dinning hall with. Sad.

Its kind of interesting that we would rather starve than be alone/be seen alone.

Isn't it, though? It's one of the things I'm most ashamed about...that it was, at one point, such a big deal to me not to be by myself that I'd rather starve. I'm not proud that I was ever that person. I think it has a lot to do with why I'm so adamant about being okay with being alone now.

[Kitty]

Isn't it, though? It's one of the things I'm most ashamed about...that it was, at one point, such a big deal to me not to be by myself that I'd rather starve. I'm not proud that I was ever that person. I think it has a lot to do with why I'm so adamant about being okay with being alone now.


Totally! Now i would have NO problem eating alone. I do crap like that all the time. I dont have an issue at all. But back then, it was a major problem for me.

[Radgirl]

You're 100% correct. I think it's the best to not own one and begin the weight game.

I'm new to my obession (4 months), I wonder if I should think about chucking the scale and tape NOW before it becomes too late & too involved...

Hmm, something to think about...

I would if I were you. I wouldn't jump on the same sick bandwagon that I'm on. If you have OCD or a type-a personality or anything of the sort, don't do something that will cause you more harm than good. It's the number and that's what causes the pain. Do yourself a favor, get rid of it now.

[shinyleaf]

For all you ladies who have struggled/are struggling with food issues, are you really into cooking or food preparation or feeding others? I never did that, but I used to read cookbooks excessively, and salivate over pictures of chocolatey desserts and the like.

You know how they say psychology departments are full of crazy people trying to figure themselves out? Nutrition & dietetics majors are often people with eating disorders, trying to "master" their demons.

[shimmer728]

Thank you to kita for starting this thread. It is very therapeutic for me.

My former best friend probably also had an eating disorder--though the opposite of mine. She has to be 300 pounds (of course, I haven't seen her in about a year), and she's a tiny bit shorter than me.) I never saw her eat too much when we were out in public, so I wouldn't be surprised if she had a compulsive eating problem......though who's to know? We must have looked odd together--the little skeleton and the big girl. :rolleyes:

Looking back, I would say food/weight obsession totally played a part in our friendship. I can remember her commenting on my "weight gain" more than once throughout our 8-year friendship (once noting that my kids' size pants looked tight in the waist.) Sick, sick, sick. A psychologist would probably have a field day analyzing our friendship, I tell you.

[Radgirl]

My body image has been so distored that I often feel like I'm 500 lbs. There are times I won't look in the mirror. I sometimes feel like a blimp with legs. These are hard things for me to discuss, but that's where I am. This has been therapuetic and can't thank WS and biodork enough for their words of inspiration and love.

[Skyblade]

I have a question. What are some good ways of supporting someone who is struggling with body image issues?

Even though its predominantly a female thing (as far as I can see at least from this post), my bf actually has a problem with overeating and is constantly telling me he is fat and gross. Yet at the same time he'll order 4 large dominoes pizzas on tuesday and will finish them by thursday all on his own. He'll go to Taco Bell and order $25 of food and eat it all in a day.

I don't want to criticize his eating habits, but I don't want him to feel bad about himself either. I want to encourage him and be supportive, but not be nagging or pretend everything is okay either.

[Kitty]

I have a question. What are some good ways of supporting someone who is struggling with body image issues?

Even though its predominantly a female thing (as far as I can see at least from this post), my bf actually has a problem with overeating and is constantly telling me he is fat and gross. Yet at the same time he'll order 4 large dominoes pizzas on tuesday and will finish them by thursday all on his own. He'll go to Taco Bell and order $25 of food and eat it all in a day.

I don't want to criticize his eating habits, but I don't want him to feel bad about himself either. I want to encourage him and be supportive, but not be nagging or pretend everything is okay either.

OMG, $25 dollars at TACO BELL!?!? That is absolutely absurd.

Is he overweight? Is it jeopordizing his health?

I think you probably need keep your mouth closed about it. Its a really touchy/sensitive issue and sometimes telling someone they need to change their eating habits can only make things worse. Its a tough situation...

[paiger81]

See, when I look in the mirror, I like my body. There are obviously things that I would call problem areas, but when I look in the mirror, I know I look good and I worked damn hard to get here. When I go out, I know I look great... Geez, when I put on my trench and my sunglasses in the morning, I always think and sometimes say out loud "Wow, I'm a f*cking rockstar."

It's not a body image issue with me, because I like myself. I don't know how to explain my issues...

I'm completely like this too. WHen I was bigger, and now, I've always thought I look awesome.


I also got how whomever it was said that when they've lost weight, they eat shitty food. I've noticed myself doing this. Part of me wonders if it is because I've never been skinny, and deep down am afraid of it.

[Kitty]

See, when I look in the mirror, I like my body. There are obviously things that I would call problem areas, but when I look in the mirror, I know I look good and I worked damn hard to get here. When I go out, I know I look great... Geez, when I put on my trench and my sunglasses in the morning, I always think and sometimes say out loud "Wow, I'm a f*cking rockstar."

It's not a body image issue with me, because I like myself. I don't know how to explain my issues...

I love you attitude. :)

It sounds like your issues are more of control issues. Like, you feel like you have it under control, but you're scared of losing that control.

[wordsmith]

See, when I look in the mirror, I like my body. There are obviously things that I would call problem areas, but when I look in the mirror, I know I look good and I worked damn hard to get here. When I go out, I know I look great... Geez, when I put on my trench and my sunglasses in the morning, I always think and sometimes say out loud "Wow, I'm a f*cking rockstar."

It's not a body image issue with me, because I like myself. I don't know how to explain my issues...

Met, you remind me very much of my younger sister (in appearance, too, from the pics I've seen). She always, no matter what her size/shape, carries herself like she's the absolute bomb, and always looks beautiful in part because she genuinely feels as if she's beautiful, no matter what, and I always admire that.

[tartytwenty]

I agree. It enrages me that a even a community of strong, lovely, and intelligent women of ALL shapes and sizes fall prey to this kind of negative crap. It sickens me how strong a hold this mentality is...that there's only one acceptable shape, and everyone, regardless of if it's realistic or not, needs to conform to it or be made to feel like an unattractive, undesireable pariah.


What's great however, about discussing this in our community, is every is open about it, and trying to work on it.

In addition to women having weight issues, there are a lot of women guilty of comparing themselves to their friends and having catty wars, backstabbing gossip, no support, etc. over weight.

We don't make crude comments to eachother, put others down, etc. We may have fallen prey to body images, but not the pysch war with other women that I often see. Does this make sense? Has anyone else seen how women can be extremely competative, mean, cruel when it comes to weight with eachother? Or am I insane?

[Skyblade]

OMG, $25 dollars at TACO BELL!?!? That is absolutely absurd.

Is he overweight? Is it jeopordizing his health?

I think you probably need keep your mouth closed about it. Its a really touchy/sensitive issue and sometimes telling someone they need to change their eating habits can only make things worse. Its a tough situation...

He is overweight..it probably is jeapordizing his health. He actually has a pretty good metabolism for someone who eats as much as he does. I've NEVER seen anyone eat as much as he does, even people bigger than him. He is 5'7" and weighs 240. He pretty much maintains this weight though, he doesn't lose or gain. I have a feeling even if he just increased his activity level he would lose weight. I just worry cuz he eats a lot when he's depressed, even if he can't afford it.

[Radgirl]

Met, you remind me very much of my younger sister (in appearance, too, from the pics I've seen). She always, no matter what her size/shape, carries herself like she's the absolute bomb, and always looks beautiful in part because she genuinely feels as if she's beautiful, no matter what, and I always admire that.

What I wouldn't give to feel like that - regardless of my appearance to the outside world. To know that I feel good in my own skin, my own body, would be amazing.

[Kitty]

He is overweight..it probably is jeapordizing his health. He actually has a pretty good metabolism for someone who eats as much as he does. I've NEVER seen anyone eat as much as he does, even people bigger than him. He is 5'7" and weighs 240. He pretty much maintains this weight though, he doesn't lose or gain. I have a feeling even if he just increased his activity level he would lose weight. I just worry cuz he eats a lot when he's depressed, even if he can't afford it.

Hmm..I guess it depends on how serious your relationship is.

It seems like this could be a major issue if things start to get more serious.

Maybe just try to project a healthy lifestyle on him? Like, say, "do you want to go for a walk?" "do you want to go get sandwhiches [insert other healthy food]?"

I think if you try and tell him to change or talk about his weight (if he's sensitive) it could only make things worse.

[Kitty]

What's pretty ironic to this entire thread, is that when I was fat I had the most awesome relationships ever (friends, boyfriends, etc.).

Once I was thin, my relationships never seemed to compare.

[paiger81]

If I lose all the weight, I only have my 'sparkling' personality to blame.

And it's a lovely personality.

I think part of my issue is that I've always been the fat girl, as much as I hate to admit it, it really is a part of who I am. It's almost like I'm scared that losing weight would make me lose my intelligence or sarcasm or something.

And I think Kirk has unknowingly reinforced this thought. Right before he left we went shopping & I was going psycho for pink stuff, he told me "Since you've lost weight, you've become more girly.....that's not you."

[Radgirl]

And it's a lovely personality.

I think part of my issue is that I've always been the fat girl, as much as I hate to admit it, it really is a part of who I am. It's almost like I'm scared that losing weight would make me lose my intelligence or sarcasm or something.

And I think Kirk has unknowingly reinforced this thought. Right before he left we went shopping & I was going psycho for pink stuff, he told me "Since you've lost weight, you've become more girly.....that's not you."

Did his comment bother you?

[paiger81]

Did his comment bother you?

Yes and no.

I mean, I know he didn't mean it in a bothersome way. He seriously was joking with me. But for whatever reason it still sticks in my brain, and the boy left for his internship in January, but I still remember it!!

And truthfully, I started feeling that way BEFORE he said it, but the day he said it, it just sort of hit me that I WAS CHANGING.. and it really is wierd to know that you are changing, you know?


ANd for the record, no I'm not loosing my intelligence or sarcasm ;): :huge:

[Skyblade]

Hmm...I've kind of felt the same way about my depression. That if I started becoming a more confident, happy person...that I would lose all my creativity. GRR.

[wordsmith]

In addition to women having weight issues, there are a lot of women guilty of comparing themselves to their friends and having catty wars, backstabbing gossip, no support, etc. over weight.

We don't make crude comments to eachother, put others down, etc. We may have fallen prey to body images, but not the pysch war with other women that I often see. Does this make sense? Has anyone else seen how women can be extremely competative, mean, cruel when it comes to weight with eachother? Or am I insane?

You are not insane, and I was just making this point to a poster off the boards this afternoon.

I also think that it's important that we're supportive of one another and don't treat one another in destructive ways. I do think that men's attitudes give us little bits of ammo to add to the arsenal of things we use to beat ourselves down about, in this regard, but it's definitely true that women inflict horrible wounds upon one another in this way.

[biodork]

Really quick, before I go to my counselor's appt, I just wanted to say I learned in my psychology of women class last year that there is actually a term for this whole concern over weight and dieting. It's called "normative discontent" because of the fact it is so common.

And what was also interesting that I learned (and I've actually noticed this myself) is that your preoccupation with weight is correlated with your friend's preoccupations. All that "fat talk" like saying "oh I'm so fat, I need to lose X many pounds" and "you're not fat, IM fat..." etc.

I want to post more of what I learned (I dug out my old notes!) but I really have to go! more once I'm back...:)

[wordsmith]

It strikes me that a lot of my close friends from high school were obese girls. Not just somewhat chubby or filled out. But BIG girls. One girl was probably six feet tall, 350. But they NEVER talked about it.

[Kitty]

Really quick, before I go to my counselor's appt, I just wanted to say I learned in my psychology of women class last year that there is actually a term for this whole concern over weight and dieting. It's called "normative discontent" because of the fact it is so common.

And what was also interesting that I learned (and I've actually noticed this myself) is that your preoccupation with weight is correlated with your friend's preoccupations. All that "fat talk" like saying "oh I'm so fat, I need to lose X many pounds" and "you're not fat, IM fat..." etc.

I want to post more of what I learned (I dug out my old notes!) but I really have to go! more once I'm back...:)

Sounds interesting! I'm looking forward to your post.

[Kitty]

It strikes me that a lot of my close friends from high school were obese girls. Not just somewhat chubby or filled out. But BIG girls. One girl was probably six feet tall, 350. But they NEVER talked about it.

Interesting. When I was fat, I never talked about it either. I think I kind of wanted to pretend like it wasn't there or something. Whenever the topic of weight, eating, fat, came up I would get really nervous and feel awkward.

There is this one lady at my work who is probably 500 lbs and she's ALWAYS talking about how she's on a diet, and blah blah..food this, food that. Its annoying.

[Radgirl]

Please share more when you can bio. Would it be possible to make this a sticky/support area so we can go back to it when we need?

[paiger81]

I've always been big, but this whole weight loss thing was the first time I had ever dieted in my entire life.

[shimmer728]

It strikes me that a lot of my close friends from high school were obese girls. Not just somewhat chubby or filled out. But BIG girls. One girl was probably six feet tall, 350. But they NEVER talked about it.

Yeah, that's how my friend was. She never talked about her own weight, but she had PLENTY to say about everyone else's (so-and-so gained weight, etc.) It always made me extremely uncomfortable.

[wordsmith]

I have never dieted, etiher. My food habits are pretty good.

[wordsmith]

I wonder if, at some level, I always surrounded myself with less than physically "perfect" people because I thought they would be less cruel about my imperfections? They couldn't knock my size if they were bigger than me, etc.

[paiger81]

I was always right in the middle. I wasn't the skinniest--Shannon, nor was I the largest--Amy.

The funny thing is that I really didn't have a problem with guys either. I mean, no one ever called me a pig or anything & most guys told me I was pretty.

[wordsmith]

I was in the middle, always, too.

[Kitty]

Out of my HS friends, I am the biggest. They are all VERY tiny.

Out of my college friends, i'm probably in the middle.

[paiger81]

I was in the middle, always, too.

So basically, we are doing pretty good for ourselves, huh :huge:

[kitalyn414]

maybe we could stay away from the "i'm the fattest" "i'm the thinnest"- type stuff?

i'd just like us all to kind of get away from that kind of thinking. musing about which people around me are bigger or smaller than me isn't making me feel that great. sorry to rain on anyone's parade, but i really think the comparing is part of the problem. everyone is different and we have no influence over other's bodies... nor do they over ours.

[paiger81]

That's true, sorry. :redface:

[Kitty]

I don't think it started out that way, but it did grow into that.

[kitalyn414]

i know... just goes to show you though!!!

[tartytwenty]

Bleh the worst comparing I dealt with, was a guy friend talking about one day meeting a girl and dating, etc. and then went on to say he hopes she's thin like "so n so & so n so..." etc. and proceeded to name all the ultra-thin girls (my friends) in our group. :mad:

I

[biodork]

Ok so some of these facts are sorta sad but they make a lot of sense (and there's some clarifications of my previous statements that really go with what several of you were saying) And I'm sorry if some of it doesn't make sense! I'm trying to make sense of my notes as best I can :rolleyes:

-Basically the eating issues actually begin in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. The whole dieting, exercising, wishing you were thinner, feeling guilty after eating, etc. It didn't used to be, but because of a combination of things (media, peers, parents) it has been starting much earlier.

-Children get exercise-oriented dolls at x-mas time, but emphasis on being thin, not healthy (not quite sure about the exercise-oriented statement, it was in my notes)

-Teenage descriptions of the ideal girl are long blond hair, flat stomach, big boobs
>Also about teens with ED, mom's tend to project their ideas onto their daughters

-Ideas on weight loss tend to fall in line with friends, but most people who "fat talk" are not overweight.

-Majority of those with ED are women (and girls) but there is an increasing number of men with them as well as more male-oriented salons, health and beauty products, etc become available. Also an increase in men getting cosmetic surgery

-There is a "self enhancement" mechanism (I hope this is self-explanatory)

-In college: Women judged by how well they regulate their eating (Women who ate salad judged more socially appealing). Belief that eating less impacts perceptions others have (ex: Eating smaller snacks with attractive men. In an experiment, women were sat at dinner with what was considered attractive and unattractive men, and you can guess the results)

-There is a belief that smoking controls weight and exposure to thin media associated with smoking: 39% concerned over weight gain if they stopped smoking, 14% willing to risk their health to be thin

-High comorbidity with depression, which just means that generally those with eating disorders also are suffering from depression.


Whew! Ok that's all I have from my notes. Again, sorry if they don't make sense! I couldn't clarify some things more because I've already packed up my book from the class, but I will try at some other point!

[NoWomanNoCry]

Wow - The following in this thread is amazing, not in a good way I guess.

Allison- I was also anorexic in highschool - one weighed under 80lbs and I'm 5'5". I almost died. I'm recovered and healthy now, but I think I'll always have a somewhat abnormal attitude toward foo.

I already recommended this site to Kita, but I'd recommend i to anyone here. It's the best website in terms of eating disorders, body imge etc. and totally aimed and education and recovery. There is also a great board there, too.

http://www.sfwed.com

Feel free to PM me at any time with questions - I hate to say it but having gone through the hell of an ED I'm somewhat of an expert.

[diesel]

Wow, this thread hit home with me in so many ways. I'm reading everyone's posts and identifying with a lot of what you're saying. I've struggled with food all my life. I'm definitely on the eat a ton now and feel guilty later side of EDs. I'm getting better now because I live with my husband who eats very healthy and doesn't allow us to buy a ton of junk to keep in the house. It's still hard. I still sneak food...it's like if no one saw me eating it then it didn't count. I've been doing this since elementary school. The thing is I was never truly overweight until my junior year of college. Yet like all of you I look back at pictures of me with less weight and remember how badly I thought of myself back then.

Kita, I thank you so much for starting this thread. It was very brave of you! My thoughts are with you as you work through this issue.

Words - I echo what Kitty said - you rock! I wish I had your attitude about food and body image.

To all the rest of the women who posted - thank you for sharing your stories. It's wonderful to hear supportive women with this topic. Just this morning a woman I work with was almost giddy because another coworker gained 8 pounds. They do Weight Watchers and it was horrifying to see the lack of support - and even worse because these two women are supposed to be close friends! :eek:

[k.monster]

This has got to be my favorite thread of all time - thank you kita for starting it and thank you to everyone who has posted.

I have a horrible relationship with food and an even worse relationship with my body. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always feeling like I'm just too big. In fact, when the only time I didn't feel fat was when I was recovering from a surgery (and illness) that left me weighing about 110lbs (at 5'8). Everyone was telling me that I looked too thin and I "agreed" with them, but inside my head I was like, "But this is how I WANT to look!".

And when I was going through my breakup I lost a lot of weight (stress makes it so I can NOT eat at all) and people would say, "you look too skinny" and I loved the way I looked.

I know that it isn't a healthy way to be - I hate it when I look in the mirror at my body, all I see are the flaws. I feel like my stomach sticks out, that my fat jiggles every time I move, and that because of that I'm not a very attractive person. (As though that would even matter!!).

I went through a "binge and purge" phase in high school and even now, (it's been years since I did it on purpose) I sometimes feel the urge to purge.

I don't know if this matters but I too am one of those people that eats really fast.

*phew* it's so nice to be able to talk about this with people that understand!!!

[cornflakegirl]

i wish i was on all day to contribute to all the things that have been discussed. this is definitely one topic that i could go on forever about. bear with me while i jump around & touch upon things that were mentioned that reminded me of myself.

i consider myself to have had eating issues, never a full on ed, but i definitely dabbled in them. i just didn't have the willpower to be a good anorexic or bulimic or dieter, for that matter. boy, am i glad they didn't have the ed support boards when i was younger, i would have been worse off.

i have always been aware of my body & weight. i went on my first diet in 4th grade after buying some antiquated 50s girl book, in which proper body measurements were given along with how to hold phone conversations. food, exercise & my body are constantly on my mind. i am one of those people that cannot have sweets or any junk in the house, or i will eat it all. i used to weigh myself a lot. owned a scale in college & up until last year. i try not to weight myself very often because i am already fixated on a number & the further i get away from that number the more obsessed i get with weighing myself. i could probably find 5 scales in my house right now. they are everywhere, including my bathroom, but i will not get on it right now. the last time i was weighed was when i signed up for my gym last month. the guy weighed me, took my bmi, percentage body fat & i almost started crying. i left very upset. i have actually gone to the doctor before & stepped on the scale backwards so i wouldn't see the number. when i am at work, i look over women's medical charts & i always check out their height & weight. i am constantly trying to find women who are 5'1 & close to my weight, my ideal weight & the heaviest that i have been to try & gauge what my actual body looks like because i have no idea.

my mom has always pointed out what is wrong with my body. her answer to everything is you just need to lose 5lbs. i am pretty sure that my mom is anorexic or near anorexic & my sister was anorexic & bulimic. my dad also has some weight/ eatting problems so growing up, it was all around me. i have also had plenty of friends with eds. when i left san fran last summer, i was living with one of my best friends & another friend. i was supposed to move in alone with my good friend who was bulimic in college. she was just beginning to get really obsessed with food again & exercise & was losing a lot of weight. i found myself, silently, becoming competitive with her & it scared me to think what would happen if we lived alone.

i also eat really fast & am not even aware of what i am eating or how much. my issues with food has led to me learning about nutrition. i have been checking out different methods of eating & diet, hoping to find one that was satisfy & heal my mind & body. it really sucks being stuck in your own head & dealing with this. currently, i am not eating any animal products & i am just starting to give up sugar. my obsesssion with food has turned into an obsession with healthy eating. i don't count calories or fat. i just try to put food in my body that is healthy.

You know how they say psychology departments are full of crazy people trying to figure themselves out? Nutrition & dietetics majors are often people with eating disorders, trying to "master" their demons.

i am starting a nutrition program in the fall. i am hoping to do some self-healing through all this & it seems like others in the program are too.

it doesn't seem to matter how intelligent we are, so many of us fall into this bad thinking of ourselves & we perpetuate it by talking with other people about how fat we are or how bad we are etc. think about all the time you spend harping on this. can you imagine if we put that energy into other aspects off our lives. i know i'd be alot happier.

phew, i'm done . . . for now

[pisces2473]

Wow...you guys don't know HOW badly I've wanted to post to this thread ALL day. I think this is one of the fastest growing threads we've ever had.

My heart goes out to all of you--Kita, Kitty, Shimmer, Met, Paige, etc. Now it's time for me to share my story...I'm almost on the verge of tears, so here we go:

I remember being weighed in Kindergarten--85 lbs. I don't know HOW that number has stuck with me after TWENTY YEARS, but it has. I don't remember being told that was "fat" or not right...and I didn't lose snacks or anything...so it wasn't like I was punished. My parents encouraged me to go outside to play, bought me exercise toys (Get In Shape, Girl...PogoBalls...jump ropes) and pushed healthy snacks. In 2nd grade, I weighed in at 115 lbs. I was also really tall for an 8 year old, so the dr's. still weren't that worried. But, by 4th grade, I was in WeightWatchers and about 130 lbs. Somewhere between 3rd and 4th grade was when the teasing started. "She's fat." "Hey tub-o-lard." Etc.

I think I've just blocked out a lot of the shit that the kids said and did. I remember there were these twins that I rode the bus with. They were horribly cruel. They started picking on me in 1st grade, and by early middle school they were throwing dry cereal at me on the bus, saying "eat it you pig." Everyone else laughed, of course. I was also really smart, so that made me stick out even more. The fat girl who wore glasses and braces but was SUPER smart. Yay. The girls didn't want a lot to do with me--but I don't know if it was me, or just the age where every girl puts up with catty bullshit. Phone calls of "no one likes you, we just took a poll."

Fast forward to 8th grade graduation. I wore a size 22 dress. I remember going to the "fat ladies store" to get it. I thought I was very sophisticated--it was almost like a coatdress. Purple with small gold buttons (it was 1994!!!) I thought I looked SO great, but when I got to school, everyone was wearing cute little sundresses, and there was bumbling me, looking like an old lady. One thing I remember about being so fat and so young was that I always FELT older, because I had to dress older. They didn't make clothes for fat teenagers back then.

Even with all of this, I still ate what I wanted, did what I wanted. I would cry about how people treated me and how I looked, but I was only a little kid. I didn't know what to do and the suggestions that my parents made were too hard for someone my age. The doctors were mean. (Even though years later, my mom recalled my pediatrician telling her when I was very little that I could eat salads and probably still put on weight.) Boys never had crushes on me. They just called me thunderthighs. The girls always asked me what size I wore and where I shopped. It took a long time to trust people after the abuse I suffered because I was so naive--but I caught on quickly.

In the beginning of high school, the weight just melted off. I don't know if it was because I finally got my period and my hormones leveled off (for the time being) or if it was because I was more active or what. I was able to fit into the Gap (which was my dream) for all of high school. I was about a 14/16. I slowly came out of my shell--which took a long long long time--got involved with extracurriculars. Still I felt really fat, especially when my friends were athletic and super skinny, including one friend who was 5'10" and weighed 120 lbs. So after watching an episode of Oprah, where she told people to cut out the fat in their diets, I went crazy. I think this was the end of freshman year--I would eat no more than 10 grams of fat per day (on anything I could actually count, like yogurt, crackers). Meat didn't count. I lost weight (that's when I dropped to a 14/16). Typical lunches were some Snackwells crackers, an apple, and veggie sticks. Oh and water. TONS of water. I guess that was my little jaunt with anorexia...or what could have been anorexia. I think I ate that lunch for most of high school. I figured, if I didn't eat a lot, I wouldn't be seen as fat. I still ate normal dinners and went out with friends and ate normal with them, but I didn't put weight on, so I was okay. By high school graduation, I could shop at the cutesy boutiques in my area and I felt SOOO great. But I always felt like I had more to lose.

When I went to college, all the people were the "beautiful" people. Tall, slender, athletic, tanned. I made some friends and ate with them...but never had dessert because I knew I was bigger than them but didn't want to seem like the fat girl pigging out. So I ate roast chicken and salads with fat free dressing. Then I would go back to my room and eat candy. When I didn't have anyone to eat with, I wouldn't eat...or I'd make do with the soups that I had in my room. Like the rest of you, I couldn't bear eating alone...I felt like only losers did that. And I was too cool. I also got really anxious about everything in my life--schoolwork, finding friends (by then the "cool" people decided I wasn' cool enough and moved on), keeping my scholarship. I developed acid reflux, only it was misdiagnosed by "lovely" student health as a throat infection, and was prescribed antibiotics, which only made the reflux worse. I stopped eating most foods. Only "safe" foods. I'm sure I was down to a 12 at that point. I didn't really think I was skinnier, but I LOVED how loose my clothes were. For the first time!!! People were worried, but they didn't know me well enough so I brushed them aside. I'd go home to visit and I'd hear, "Wow Jen, you've lost weight--you look fantastic!!!" So I glowed in those comments--finally I was turning into my dream. By the time final exams rolled around at the end of April, I was a wreck. I was having panic attacks--thought my throat was closing up on me (hi, reflux), I wouldn't eat. I was literally going mad. Finally I went home for the summer, went to my dr., was given meds to help my reflux and was referred to my therapist.

The crappy thing was as I started getting better, I started eating again. And the weight started going back on. I was still panicky, so I was referred to a psychiatrist who put my on antidepressants. AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? Yup, I started to put the weight back on. I felt so good about myself and how I was handling stress...I didn't care. I was in my aunt's wedding a few weeks after starting the drugs, and I was SO skinny. I fit into a Victoria's Secret size 14--that's where we got our dresses. I look at myself in the pics now and I'm like DAMN. Also around this time I found out I had PCOS and was put on all sorts of drugs, including the pill...so the weight continued to go up.

6 months after my aunt's wedding, there was a formal at school...the dress that I wore for the wedding was a bit snug--in that short of a time period, I had issues. The Express size 13/14 jeans I had LOVED to wear were too tight. Back into 16s for me. I tried to lose the weight but in college, that's just too hard. Pizza was everywhere, esp. at the newspaper office. Everyone ate shitty. I ate crap to "fit in." As the years flew by, I put on a few pounds here and there...the biggest shock came over Christmas senior year when I returned to my summer internship for a few weeks and my dressy winter clothes were ALL too tight. I had to run out and buy things. I was so disappointed. And I hated myself. But temptation was everywhere. My roommates and I would make pans of brownies or Rice Krispies treats and eat the whole thing in a sitting. Or pints of Ben and Jerry's. Or candy. You name it, we ate it. Of course, I was the only one really gaining much weight.

I always thought I was kind of an emotional eater, but it really manifested itself in the post-college years. I moved to Boston for grad school and didn't know anyone. I was on my own for the first time, really, and I had to plan all of my meals. I would buy "healthy" things but then sit down and eat the whole bag of light popcorn or the whole 1/2 gallon of fat free frozen yogurt. I was lonely so food was my companion. I even remember a time when my roommate had her man over, and there was me, all lonely, depressed, no boyfriend, no friends in the area...I got in my car, went to the grocery store and bought a 1/2 gallon of ice cream...and I ate the entire thing in my room, watching TV and hating my life. Then I realized I had a QLC and uprooted myself back home...lol...and 10,000+ posts later, here I am.

I've done a few of those binges since...and a few months ago, I could NOT believe how much crap I ate and I almost made myself throw up. I can't fathom how I thought of that--I hate puking. I'm glad I stopped myself, but still. I also realized that I'm definitely insulin resistant and THAT's the reason why even though I couldn't lose weight even when I ate healthy. Sometimes I have these horrible thoughts of self-loathing, like, I might as well not even TRY to lose weight. I've always been fat, and the few times I was thinner, it came right back, so obviously I'm meant to be the fat girl. I mean, it's almost like "the sky is blue, so Jen must be fat." I hate running into people from my past--"oh, Jen's still fat, no surprise." Even though people think I'm not fat...they don't know the crap I put up with. Buying "pretty plus" clothes at Sears....WeightWatchers at 10 years old??? I know I'm still a big girl, who shops at Lane Bryant again (I used to tell my thinner self that I'd kill myself if I had to go back to Lane Bryant or got bigger than a 16). Guess who's a 16/18 and is back at good ol' LB??? At least the clothes are FUN now. And yeah, I'm the heaviest I've been in a long time, but I'm working on a better way of eating--NOT A DIET--a life change...to help with my PCOS and IR.

[pisces2473]

Part of me no longer gives a shit about what I look like, and I don't know if it's because I have a boyfriend who loves me and with that, I gained some self-acceptance, or if I got self-acceptance some where along the way. But then part of me hears you girls on here, where you shop, what you wear, and I get so jealous. Most of my friends are bigger than I am, not planned! I just want to wear cute things and not have to worry about hiding my belly or do I look like I've had 3 kids? I just want to be healthy. Sometimes I hate myself...and I look in the mirror and think "How could you 'poison' yourself???" "Why did you get FAT again???" I know I'm not ALL to blame, but I did put the food in my mouth. So I don't know.

I guess what I'm trying to say after this extremely long post is that I hear you all...I know what you're going through, even if it's the opposite. I'm actually afraid to meet some of you because of my size (and yeah I'm a HOUSE, lol). I don't know why...I guess I wouldn't feel like I'm my witty, tell it like it is self if I appeared in the flesh.

Anyway, that's my story...for now.

[shimmer728]

Thank you for sharing with the rest of us. :)

[Kitty]

Jen -

I totally relate to a lot of the stuff you went through as a kid. The sick part about it for me is that I wasn't even that fat when I was young. In 1st grade (or earlier) mom decided I was "heading down the wrong path" and made me go on all kinds of crazy diets. There were foods that were "Red" foods and foods that were "green" foods. Red meant that you couldn't eat them, and green meant it was OK. So, if you can imagine - I was 5 years old or so and trying to figure out what I should and should not eat. Meanwhile, my cruel mother still kept the "red" foods in the house and ate them herself and let my brother eat them!!

I was mostly chubby from 4th grade until 8th grade. Not really fat, but chubby. Then, in HS things got out of control and I gained a TON of weight. I think I gained like 40 pounds.

It was really really horrible for me, and I can't even write about the crap I went through because its too hard. I'm not even joking about this, I was THE ONLY overweight girl in my grade (out of like 300 girls). I grew up in a really rich area and everyone was super trendy, thin, etc. It was very bad on the self esteem.

It seems like now it is somewhat easier for teens who are overweight now - it seems like there are more overweight kids, more clothes, etc. I'm sure its still really hard though. I just remember a big thing for me was not being able to wear the trendy styles everyone had because I couldn't fit into those stores...

[Kitty]

i look over women's medical charts & i always check out their height & weight. i am constantly trying to find women who are 5'1 & close to my weight, my ideal weight & the heaviest that i have been to try & gauge what my actual body looks like because i have no idea.


I've actually done something similar to this. I used to work at a bank and I had to check people's drivers licenses (which list height and weight). I would ALWAYS look at other girls numbers and compare myself..and try to find someone my height and weight.

[tartytwenty]

It seems like now it is somewhat easier for teens who are overweight now - it seems like there are more overweight kids, more clothes, etc. I'm sure its still really hard though. I just remember a big thing for me was not being able to wear the trendy styles everyone had because I couldn't fit into those stores...

This is probably true, since a 1/3 of the US are overweight or obese. That was heart-wrenching to read Jen. I'm glad you shared. :( Tonight I was writing out baby shower invites for my friend and the OC was on in the background. I saw how skinny those women were, you know, the "ideal" woman, and boy... They were walking skeletons. It made me think of this thread. What a terrible demand society has put on us to be attractive.

[shimmer728]

This is probably true, since a 1/3 of the US are overweight or obese. That was heart-wrenching to read Jen. I'm glad you shared. :( Tonight I was writing out baby shower invites for my friend and the OC was on in the background. I saw how skinny those women were, you know, the "ideal" woman, and boy... They were walking skeletons. It made me think of this thread. What a terrible demand society has put on us to be attractive.

Yeah, that's my favorite show, and I always think the same thing. Mischa Barton probably weighs less than I do, and she's a hell of a lot taller.

[pisces2473]

I think my story definitely impacted my dating/social life...and why I didn't date til college...

Everyone I knew who was bigger didn't have a guy. So it just made sense that if you're fat, no boys will like you.

[Kitty]

Yeah, that's my favorite show, and I always think the same thing. Mischa Barton probably weighs less than I do, and she's a hell of a lot taller.

Yeah, but she looks way too thin. Its not attractive at all.

[cornflakegirl]

susan - are you open to checking out new docs, finding the right one that is gonna work with you, not on you & won't medicate you?

has anyone ever tried group therapy? right before i moved from san francisco, i had been checking into body image workshop/support group that my therapist recommended, but then i moved.

thank you to everyone for sharing. i understand how painful all of this & how it is something that we all keep to ourselves. i went a good 10 years before i even mentioned to friends that i have "issues." i don't even think i mentioned everything to my therapist either. although, i am not at the height of my problems, i still don't feel like i have a healthy self-image, but i am commited to working towards it.

[biodork]

I'm really glad about everyone who is able to share their story. It does help me a lot to see I'm not alone. For the longest time I thought that because I wasn't anorexic or bulimic, I didn't have a problem. I would joke and be like "oh the way my mom has treated me I'm surprised I don't have an eating disorder" when really I did have one, just not one of those clear cut, already scientifically named ones.

Susan-Please don't ignore the problem, because it always comes back and gets worse every time. I know how hard it is, but to really get better you should look into finding someone to talk about it and work it out.

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days where being "plump" meant you were rich and well-fed. How great would that be today...

[MetFanL]

Jen, you just brought tears to my eyes. I relate on so many levels. I'm glad you decided to share.

There are a few friends that know about my issues w/ food, but most don't understand it on a personal level -- they've never battled with it. I'm sure they have their own issues (my roommate is addicted to running... she has to keep a running diary to make sure she doesn't run too much during any given week), but not like this.

The hardest thing about dealing with food issues is that you can't quit -- like smoking or alcohol or drugs. Food must ALWAYS be a part of your life. I think that makes it the hardest addiction to deal with (but I'm biased b/c it's my addiction, so who knows).

[wordsmith]

Fast forward to 8th grade graduation. I wore a size 22 dress. I remember going to the "fat ladies store" to get it. I thought I was very sophisticated--it was almost like a coatdress. Purple with small gold buttons (it was 1994!!!) I thought I looked SO great, but when I got to school, everyone was wearing cute little sundresses, and there was bumbling me, looking like an old lady. One thing I remember about being so fat and so young was that I always FELT older, because I had to dress older. They didn't make clothes for fat teenagers back then.

Yup, this was the age where I first started getting bigger than the other kids...It was probably about when I hit puberty, sprouted womanly hips and mega curves, etc. It all happened really quickly, and I'd been a scarecrow before that - I was 5'9" by the time I was 10 or 11, and all gangly bony arms and legs (but I was still the quiet smart girl with glasses, so I got picked on mercilesslly...just goes to show you kids are mean and will grab onto whatever reason...you're always too something or not enough something). I remember that for some reason, spandex bike shorts were popular (why, I'll never know :googly: ) and that's when I pinpointed the change in my body. I remember that I was sitting in my band lesson, and looked down at my lap and noticed that my legs in the tight shorts, which had been sticklike, were huge almost overnight. I remember wearing "matronly" clothes when everyone else was wearing cute things. I actually stayed home from my 8th grade honors banquet, where I was getting a bunch of awards, because I didn't like how I looked in the outfit my mom and I had gone and bought. I remember throwing a big tearful fit about it.

They just called me thunderthighs.
My brother spent my entire adolescence calling me just exactly that. :(
He's a college coach and health/kinesiology instructor now...I hope to God he never has daughters.

I also got really anxious about everything in my life--schoolwork, finding friends (by then the "cool" people decided I wasn' cool enough and moved on), keeping my scholarship. I developed acid reflux, only it was misdiagnosed by "lovely" student health as a throat infection, and was prescribed antibiotics, which only made the reflux worse. By the time final exams rolled around at the end of April, I was a wreck. I was having panic attacks--thought my throat was closing up on me (hi, reflux), I wouldn't eat. I was literally going mad.

This was me EXACTLY, almost to the letter. How they say monitoring food is at least one way to exercise control in a life that is spinning out of control? Yup. But I was such an emotional basketcase. I remember the monumental effort it was just to not burst into sobs at pretty much any time I wasn't asleep. I have no idea how I didn't totally just break down or do something stupid. I never did see a counselor, just kind of rode it out and nobody knew, but if I ever feel anything close to that way again, I definitely would. At the time, I honestly didn't know there was anything abnormal about feeling that way.

Part of me no longer gives a shit about what I look like, and I don't know if it's because I have a boyfriend who loves me and with that, I gained some self-acceptance, or if I got self-acceptance some where along the way.

This is how I feel, too. I don't know if it's growing up, or being in a better emotional place, or just rationalizing to make myself feel okay, but I WILL NOT beat myself up about this stuff. I know why I'm the size I am. I don't/can't exercise as much as I would have to to NOT be this size. I have to come to terms with that, and trust that if it ever became a health concern, I'd revamp mylife to prioritize it, but right now, I'm satisfied enough with where I am. I do what I can in terms of making sure I eat well. I REFUSE to let a quest for a smaller dress size take over my life. At some point (and hanging with the women's studies crowd in college for sure contributed), I stopped being pissed at myself all the time. I started being really pissed at a widespread public mentality that perpetuates the myths that women literally KILL themselves over...namely, the pervasive subconscious and totally blatant messages put out that anything above a size 6 is hideous and disgusting and you must be a lazy pig and ashamed of yourself. I'm not saying that morbidly obese women should run around saying "I don't have to change for society," and put their health at risk... I'm saying that no teenager should be vomiting up her stomach lining because she's a HUGE size 12.

AND yet...

But then part of me hears you girls on here, where you shop, what you wear, and I get so jealous.

Yup. Sometimes I feel like no matter how smart and rational you try to be about it, there's just no beating the emotional demons.

I'm actually afraid to meet some of you because of my size (and yeah I'm a HOUSE, lol). I don't know why...I guess I wouldn't feel like I'm my witty, tell it like it is self if I appeared in the flesh.

Um, YES.

As I've mentioned, I have another board I post on, that is a very tightly knit group of women, and though we live scattered across the country, large groups of us do get together from time to time. And by and large, these women are physically stunning. A bunch of us took a trip this past summer to attend a wedding among our ranks, and stayed on Lake Superior. It took a TREMENDOUS amount of mental strength to feel okay lounging around with them in swimwear. But I also realized that they're awesome, supportive women, not catty, bitchy or judgmental. They also have their issues, their tough lives, their problems that aren't alleviated by looking smokin' in a tie bikini. Having a great body doesn't make your life perfect, although when you don't have one, it seems like it for sure would.

I also have met a few QLCers, and I won't lie about being EXTREMELY apprehensive about meeting them because of body image stuff. It's a funny thing, but as accepting as I am of myself, I just don't ever trust that others will be that accepting. It's a hard thing to get past.

[mishl982]

Wow! This thread really grew. I come back to find there are like 8 new pages of posts to read. I really admire everyone who has shared there stories and offer advice to others. It makes me very grateful to be surrounded with such amazing women. It's a shame that with all of us smart, confident and great women, we all battle with the same issues. QLC really is a great support group!!

((GROUP HUG)) :) Yes, I'm cheesy and I know it!

[shinyleaf]

Wow indeed - a much needed thread apparently. Hurray Health Forum!

Just to add to some of Elyse's points about research on ED:

- Yes men are susceptible to image distortion and ed's , especially found in the gay community

- depression is comorbid with bulimia & compulsive overeating, and both depression & anxiety are comorbid with anorexia - the diseases have similar effects but different etiologies (i.e., what triggers it)

-PRe-teen girls are the fastest rising population of new smokers. Once thought to be a result of "peer pressure", it turns out it's largely due to their efforts to control appetite & lose weight.

- doctors generally don't approach this issue with pregnant patients. And many who have disordered eating and intend someday to become pregnant also indicate that they will restrict food and exercise when pregnant. Odd, don't you think, given that such a large proportion of women have food-fat issues... kind of an important concern given that there's another life inside of there that counts on the woman for nutrition for 9 months.


So many of us mentioned that we get a bit of a charge out of people noticing the weight we've lost, even when it's the result of illness. That, I think reinforces that unless you know the person is on a healthy weight loss program (like the Fitness Challenge), we should really try not to mention someone's weight - big or small. Wouldn't it be great if that weren't the first thing we were compelled to notice?

Cornflake, I'm glad you seem to have a positive reason for being interested in nutrition. For many, studying it just fuels their obsession with calories, fat, blah blah blah. Good luck to you all.

[biodork]

- doctors generally don't approach this issue with pregnant patients. And many who have disordered eating and intend someday to become pregnant also indicate that they will restrict food and exercise when pregnant. Odd, don't you think, given that such a large proportion of women have food-fat issues... kind of an important concern given that there's another life inside of there that counts on the woman for nutrition for 9 months.


That is a really scary fact. I definitely did not even think about having my ED problems if I ever became pregnant. Even more reasons to work things out now.

[Kitty]

Actually, one of the reasons I'm scared to get pregnant is because I'm scared I won't be able to control what I eat, monitor my weight as well. It freaks me out.

[wordsmith]

My cousin is anorexic, and had a baby in the fall. She gained the smallest amount of weight I've ever seen, and didn't ever really look pregnant, even at term. But the baby seems to be okay. We'll see, though.

[shimmer728]

I'm shocked she could even get pregnant. I know I didn't even start to menstruate until I was 16, and my doctor said that because my body weight and fat was so low.

[wordsmith]

It was all very surprising, high risk, and f*cked up, really. My cousin is unstable. I cringe for her child (and her husband, too, but hey, he picked her).

[Kitty]

My cousin is anorexic, and had a baby in the fall. She gained the smallest amount of weight I've ever seen, and didn't ever really look pregnant, even at term. But the baby seems to be okay. We'll see, though.

OMG!!

See, I know I have issues w/ weight and body image and other stuff. There is no way I would ever have a kid until I deal w/ all that stuff...

so sad.

[wordsmith]

See, that's my thought, too. Even if the baby is healthy, I have no doubt that she'll project a lot of her issues onto the kid later in life if she doesn't get past them. And the baby is a girl, too.

I feel like I should clarify, any animosity in my posts regarding my cousin have to do with her being a bad person, not with her having an eating disorder.

[pisces2473]

Words, was that the cousin that booted you out of her wedding party?? :googly:

[wordsmith]

Yup. :googly:

[Kitty]

Does anyone else have an issue w/ showing their arms?

I hate when my upper-arms show. Ugh. I just feel like I look SO bad. I almost never wear tank-tops or sleeve-less stuff because i'm paranoid. If I do wear a tank-top I'll feel paranoid the whole time.

I hate it.

[wordsmith]

I was just thinking about this b/c I'm bare-armed today. But, not really. When it gets hot, I wear mostly sleeveless. I'm definitely not cut, no Angela Bassett arms here, but my self conscious area is lower body, not upper. I'm very pear-shaped. I'd actually rather DRAW attention TO my upper body. Anything to draw the eye from my hips and thighs is fine by me.

[Kitty]

I was just thinking about this b/c I'm bare-armed today. But, not really. When it gets hot, I wear mostly sleeveless. I'm definitely not cut, no Angela Bassett arms here, but my self conscious area is lower body, not upper. I'm very pear-shaped. I'd actually rather DRAW attention TO my upper body. Anything to draw the eye from my hips and thighs is fine by me.

I guess I'm the opposite. I purposefully wear short skirts to show off my legs and not draw attention to my flabby arms and broad back.

It just seems like every summer there are all these girls running around in tank-tops and I cannot feel comfortable doing that.

[k.monster]

I don't really like wearing tank tops and sleevless shirts either. I always feel like my arms are huge and that I've got a ton of arm fat jiggling around. I also don't like to wear short shirts, which really sucks because my torso is so long, almost every shirt is too shirt unless I buy a larger size that won't fit right anywhere else.
And I hate shorts. Anyone else?

[biodork]

I'm ok with my upper body, but not my lower. I wore pants all last summer, and the only time I wore shorts was when I was going out on my parents boat and knew I was going swimming. I own 2 pairs of regular shorts (that I'm amazed still fit me b/c they are at least 5 yrs old). All my other ones are only for working out (another reason for me to work out by myself :googly: )

[Kitty]

I'd say shorts are a no-no.

Actually, I do have some teeny-tiny little red cotton sports type shorts. I think thats it..

[wordsmith]

It just seems like every summer there are all these girls running around in tank-tops and I cannot feel comfortable doing that.

That's me, but substitute shorts for tank tops.

Even working out, I don't wear shorts. I usually wear stretchy yoga type pants, cropped or long.

[Kitty]

Actually, it really sucks -

More women are like you are words - cover up the bottom and highlight the upper body.

I'm the opposite, but I know i'm the minority. So, whenever I go around wearing tiny skirts - women ALWAYS look at me bitchy. Once, I was in a bar and some woman actually said to me, "that's pretty short." So unbelievable.

[tartytwenty]

I was just thinking about this b/c I'm bare-armed today. But, not really. When it gets hot, I wear mostly sleeveless. I'm definitely not cut, no Angela Bassett arms here, but my self conscious area is lower body, not upper. I'm very pear-shaped. I'd actually rather DRAW attention TO my upper body. Anything to draw the eye from my hips and thighs is fine by me.


That's me also. I love tank tops, and have no problems with them.

I'm self conscious area is also lower body. Last year I didn't even own shorts that fit, and I had worn my bf's shorts :( Definitely a low point.

[kitalyn414]

wow- what a thread. thank you so much to everyone who has had the courage to share their struggles. it really helps to know i am not alone and not crazy. i have a mental war going on in my head pretty much all the time, "it's a problem... it's not a problem... it's a problem... it's not a problem" maybe the fact that i have that inner dialogue is an indication that there is a problem.

anyway, i'm really looking forward to seeing the new therapist on monday. i just want to get some tools as to how to manage this and not feel so down. i also made an appt with my dr. in two weeks to talk to her about the acid reflux and make sure there isn't any major damage. guess we'll see. i'm wondering if maybe i will get a referral to a nutritionist after all this. that would be cool. :rolleyes:

[MetFanL]

If your doctor doesn't offer, be sure to ask. I know that my visit to a nutritionist was covered b/c I have reflux. have you tried any of the OTC stuff for your reflux?

[mishl982]

I actually don't mind shorts too much, i just hate it when they ride up in the middle. This season I'm gonna try and sport skirts around instead. I like being a little freer down there, lol. As for the arm situation, I'm not totally self conscious about them. I wish they were more toned, but I like wearing halter tops and tanks as long as I don't look like a man in them.

[kitalyn414]

If your doctor doesn't offer, be sure to ask. I know that my visit to a nutritionist was covered b/c I have reflux. have you tried any of the OTC stuff for your reflux?
yeah... i was taking tagament, but at some point i felt like it couldn't be good to be taking it like twice a day. plus it would only work for a small amount of time. im just really concerned i fucked myself up.

[pisces2473]

Kita, once you start working through your issues, you may not have the reflux issues anymore. I know I didn't. You might want to see if you can take the meds while you're starting the therapy process...then as you start to feel better mentally and emotionally, you can taper off the meds and see how well you physically feel. I was exactly where you are right now, only it was 6 years ago.

ETA: I was on the stomach meds, started therapy, then went off the meds. I was on Prilosec and Zantac--at the SAME TIME. :eek:

[MetFanL]

Have you tried Prevacid or whatever the other one is for reflux? You take it everyday for two weeks. I was on it when I first got reflux and it worked for me. It follows the same pattern as antibiotics -- you feel better after a few days, but you have to take the FULL dosage for it to work.

Tagament is symptomatic and works like and antacid. Prevacid and the other one are for helping to cure a flare-up.

I find that my reflux acts up when I run. Which makes sense, b/c I'm sucking in so much air...

[pisces2473]

Another thing...in my case, the acid reflux helped me to avoid eating. If my stomach hurt, I couldn't eat. I don't know if that's what's going on with you...it wasn't really a fat thing...it was more like panic, "if I eat, I could die." The side effect was that I lost a ton of weight.

[Radgirl]

wow- what a thread. thank you so much to everyone who has had the courage to share their struggles. it really helps to know i am not alone and not crazy. i have a mental war going on in my head pretty much all the time, "it's a problem... it's not a problem... it's a problem... it's not a problem" maybe the fact that i have that inner dialogue is an indication that there is a problem.

anyway, i'm really looking forward to seeing the new therapist on monday. i just want to get some tools as to how to manage this and not feel so down. i also made an appt with my dr. in two weeks to talk to her about the acid reflux and make sure there isn't any major damage. guess we'll see. i'm wondering if maybe i will get a referral to a nutritionist after all this. that would be cool. :rolleyes:

Hon, you are far from alone. I too stuggle with this evil darkness. It's one of the most difficult things anyone can go through. :)

[cornflakegirl]

re:shorts - i stopped wearing those regularly in 1995. i own a couple pairs, mostly for hiking & running, but i do not like them riding up in the crotch. i prefer skirts, which i live in during the spring & summer.

i went to the gym yesterday in a tank top & i was not enjoying my arms at all. i am not ready to bare my body in summer clothes.

[biodork]

While I was going back through my psychology of women notes there was this poem. I'm not the biggest poetry fan, but I thought it should be posted in this thread (sorry guys, we need a boost)

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

[mishl982]

WE ARE PHENOMENAL WOMEN!! :huge:

Thanks for that Elyse, I liked it.

[wordsmith]

I've always liked that poem.