For The Also Insecure

[Skulljockey]

M'kay.

This girl I've been dating for a couple weeks now just left. It's about midnight. We had a nice evening.

At some point while we were "doing stuff" she said to me, "I love that I get no pressure from you. I don't feel pushed or expected. It's just completely natural."

And I haven't. As I was getting to know her I found out that she'd had a series of bad boyfriends and understood that, if anything were going to happen, it would have to happen at it's own pace. So I've been just allowing every moment to be what it was, without expectation or intentions for them.

Anyway, later in the evening I was kissing her and my insides were turning to Jello. Just a big formless bowl of oatmeal. No defenses. No walls. Nothing. And the thought that crossed my mind was, "What the hell are you attracted to me for? You're so smart and beautiful and funny. And me? I'm..."

Hm. I would NEVER say anything like that to her of course. There's nothing sexier than smothering a beautiful girl with your insecurities.

I don't know. I guess thats why I'm typing this instead. I'm old enough now to understand that she's not going to get smacked on the head and have her vision clear up and realize she's with a gangly tall overweight nerd. That nightmare is all in my head. But I AM aware that the FEAR of that nightmare can cause problems. Especially if I'm motivated at some point to act out of it. Tonight I just felt defenseless. Vulnerable I guess. I haven't really felt that way since I started drinking all the time (about 8 years ago - a habit I have now beaten.) My emotions in the past few years have generally ranged from hard and cynical to totally defeated. Never did I allow myself something this comfortable....this safe.

Oh well. This is the process isn't? Learning to allow....what? An understanding that when someone is loving you, maybe they're not crazy. Maybe they see all the things about you that you're afraid of and it's okay - because they also see something in you that you won't let yourself see.

Maybe.

[Deadend]

Relationships have a habit of telling us things about ourselves that we may have either been in denial about, or maybe didn't even know. Insecuirty is often a theme.

So be thinakful that you've at least acknowleged these things about yourself. And while it's not a great idea to smothier her with them, maybe you can at least work on them for yourself. Eventually.... in time.

In the meantime, enjoy that head over heals feeling. It gets harder to get to every time. Be thankful that you could feel it. Don't worry about it, feel the high.... let it ride.

[Desiderata]

eph, very noble stuff. I've been on both sides of the fence of similar situations. And I think the ONLY reason I've been able to be the strong one and say goodbye, was becuase my first SO did so to me. Life can be quite harsh when you have to say goodbye for their own good, especially when they don't see it.

[inuts]

Maybe it's me, but from all I've read on these forums, it seems like many guys are all or nothing, and when it's all, the girls are turned off, and when it's nothing, the girls are completely surprised when we turned out to be jerks. But it's the nothing that makes us attractive, right?

[inuts]

Eh, you know what? The hell with it. If I'm insecure, I'm insecure. If she doesn't like it, it's her loss. Ha ha ha! :twisted: What am I going to do? Pretend to be someone other than me? No, I am who I am and I will be the best I can be, and if that's not enough, oh well!

[biodork]

No but if you just meet a girl and with 2 weeks are saying how you feel like a stupid moron who is going nowhere in life (not saying you are!) that can be a big turn off. You aren't close enough to deal with each other's problems yet, so it's not a good idea to bring them up.

How would you like it if after just starting to see a girl she started talking about how she felt like she was a fat pig and hated herself and wanted to die? Would you really feel like you could handle that in the very beginning?

[wordsmith]

I couldn't give two shits if a guy is insecure. Everyone is insecure about something, and if I can see that there's some area where a guy is vulnerable, I'm glad, because it shows me that he's human. I'm suspicious of (and uncomfortable around) guys who show NO insecurity, NO vulnerabilities, to be honest. I think they're fronting. Also, how could I expect anyone who's so loathing of admitting to his own insecurities to be remotely kind or understanding about any I might have?

NOTE that there is a difference between being insecure about something and everything descending into a pool of deepest self-loathing. There's a difference between humble humility and a torrent of self-abuse. No, don't dump on a girl how much you hate everything about yourself over coffee, for the love of God. But a quality woman isn't going to bolt just because you confessed that you feel like a gawky nerd sometimes. Especially since she clearly doesn't see you that way.

[wordsmith]

So, basically, what kind of woman do you think you should be with, eph, if this woman had "too much going for her" to be expected to deal with your baggage (which she might not have had a problem in the world dealing with, you never know)? :(

[J-girl]

There's a difference between humble humility

I agree. I don't care if a guy is broke. For some reason every guy I go out with is broke. But I hate when a guy says something like "I have a better car than him or I am not as broke as him or I am stronger than him". That thing screams insecurity.

Also, I dont want to hear "oh i am going nowhere in life", thats MY line!!!! In a relationship, atleast one person has to be going somewhere.

In my last relationship, I basically picked up my ex from the sea of sorrows. Two of his friends passed away, his family went through financial stress, he got a DUI, he underwent shoulder surgery. I didn't care but I stuck it out but he was such a PRICK to me its not even funny. All I did was give and give and give and all he gave me was guilt trips telling me I am not a nice girlfriend.

[inuts]

In my last relationship, I basically picked up my ex from the sea of sorrows. Two of his friends passed away, his family went through financial stress, he got a DUI, he underwent shoulder surgery. I didn't care but I stuck it out but he was such a PRICK to me its not even funny. All I did was give and give and give and all he gave me was guilt trips telling me I am not a nice girlfriend.

I am sorry about that! But I am glad you pointed out the comparison thing--I think that's good advice for us guys... :bigger: